Waterloo

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If you don't know me by now, you will never never know me...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok so damn, what a night. For the first time in a long time, I did not back down or compromise or "shut up". I held my ground because I knew that I was right. Ok, maybe not right, because it isnt a matter of right or wrong. But I know what I was saying was making sense and real. I listened to the other side, understood it, in all of its contradictory complexities, and still held my ground. Normally, after a while, especially with men, I just shut up when I come to the realization that this is an issue of me being too much woman and them feeling out-manned.

I don't ever want any man in my life to feel that way, so rather than continue to "argue" my side, I shut up, since I know that the fact that I even have a rebuttal contributes to the out-manning. (He even asked "why do you always have to have a rebuttal to everything I say?" Damn, I must have slipped and forgotten for the last few weeks that people aren't supposed to respond to others, or give their opinions, or even express anything opposite of what a man is saying, because, well, thats just overpowering and forceful... not strong in a positive way, in a "you think you are better than me" way) This "shutting up" is what led me to some abusive relationships, and after getting slapped a few weeks ago, to the point of having my ears ringing for a couple of days, I'm not going that route again. Even if it means losing the person in the process.

Battling contradictions is so hard. How do you tell someone he "isn't right", when his views encompass both sides of the issue, and when the mere "rebuttal" or suggestion that he might be wrong brings about anger? Anger to the point that he shuts down and doesn't want to listen to anything you have to say? It is fighting a losing battle.

One minute he says he knows me well enough to know XYZ, the next section of the conversation he says he doesn't know me that well, so he can't make assumptions about me. Which one is it? Do you know me or do you not know me?

One minute he says I don't let him talk, I don't let him get any words in, actually more than one minute, he throws this in my face more often that even he realizes. Then he wonders why I know so much about him. "I told you that? Wow, I must really like you" He is always amazed that he has revealed deep things about himself to me. How is it that I know so many of his secrets, stories of his life, private issues, things he is dealing with in his heart and his mind, even so much that he forgets that he has told me these things? Some things he tells me 2 or 3 times, not remembering that he told me, and even more important, not acknowledging that I listened.

Why? Because he doesnt want to acknowledge that I do, in fact, listen to him, quite intently. Why? Because this is all he has to hold on to to keep me at bay, to keep me at distance. Being listened to is MAJOR for him, and he often speaks about not being heard. See, he is conflicted, in many ways, so he has to find fault. He has to find fault in me because I could be too perfect, and he is admittedly suspicious of everything and everyone. So what does he do? He holds on to this idea that I don't let him talk, that I don't let him get words in, that I don't listen to him, when in reality, he and I both know, I do nothing BUT listen to him. He feels this way because I am forward in conversations, I'm a debater, I know how to converse, aggressively and otherwise. I have a booming voice to match my booming personality, I am direct and blunt, and I speak with confidence. He uses these things to suggest that I don't let him talk or that I am incapable of listening to him.

See, for him, a conversation consists of one person speaking a long spiel, and stopping, then the other person coming in for a long spiel, and stopping. The speech should be slow and soft, and easy going (yes, he said this, and what do you know, I remember it...go figure). He doesnt see how my rapid conversation, my going back and forth, my making sounds of agreement or my uttering words as he is speaking is NOT my interrupting him or being rude, it is my way of conversing, getting into the vibe of the person, connecting with their flow. As many times as I have told him this or explained it, it does not matter because it isnt HIS way of conversing, and therefor it isn't acceptable. I am expected to bend to his way of conversing, rather than he learning to gel into mine, or us finding a happy medium.

Oh see, did I mention, everything with him is his way or requried to bend or mold to some version of his way? He knows this, but wont admit it outright. Well actually he does admit this in his own way, but laughs it off so that the person he is speaking to wont be too thrown off. He has his roundabout ways of saying this, but the point comes through clearly. **I dont do things this way, I don't like this, this is what I want said to me, this is how I want it said, not too little, not too much, but just operate within these boundaries because this is what works for me.** If I say something like "well people are different and everyone isnt going to do things your way" he gets mad or he wants to argue it. But if I do or say something and his response is "well people are different and everyone does things different ways, this is just my way" he doesnt see the contradiction/irony in his words.

Battling contradiction is do hard.

My confidence is intimidating, as is my appearance apparently. See, I've heard that since I was 12. I was 6'0 at age 12, and people always put shit on me, saying I was going to beat people up. People have been intimidated by my size for years. Combine that with knowledge, as he says, and its a whammy. For him to even bring it up, shows me it is an issue. He mentioned my size and appearance. He said that other people are also intimidated in this way and can perceive me as being too strong .... but later says "I dont give a fuck about other people, it is me and you having this conversation". Did I say contradictions?

So I dig deeper, even though he doesnt want to go there, I will. I'm bigger than he is. I'm taller and heavier. I'm a whole lot of woman, even had him doubting himself (something he also told me--see I don't make this stuff up, I listen, but he swears I don't and he plays dumb like "I said that?"... Yes, you did.). Combine all of this physical woman with a younger age (which he has alluded to more than once, in jest and in not-so-joking manners--saying once that his ideal version of me, I would be older), advanced knowledge/education, experiences that accelerate me well beyond my earth years, and a commanding confidence, well, he is intimidated. As much as he says he isnt, he is. He refuted it entirely too much and too hard.

I came to realize that this evening, when he went on a long rant (and I say rant because he began to curse and raise his voice at me) about how he is intelligent, he isnt dumb, he won't let anyone overpower him, he won't be out-talked, he isn't going to be backed against the wall, he won't be backed into a corner, etc. I have heard this all before, and everytime it has been from a man shorter than I am and/or a man who has, deep inside, felt that he didnt measure up to me, usually a man resenting me for being in his life and inadvertantly forcing him to look at himself and all of the things he either didn't do or can't? do. Or a man who deep inside envies the things I have done, or looks at himself and feels that he doesnt measure up, even if that thought NEVER crosses my mind? My friend D told me to run away from the situation because I will never get my footing, it will always be a battle because Im battling history and baggage, insecurities and suspicion, and general envy. *cough* did someone mention Napoleon?

Why do men who seemingly don't measure up in the flesh or in credentials try to make me feel like I'm wrong? Why do they think my goal is to outman them? why do they think I intentionally come on too strong and I set out to overpower them? This isnt the first or second time a shorter man has ranted on me like this. (Yes, Im bringing up the height thing, because if he can throw in my appearance, I can talk about height issues) So what Im taller, I have a job, I finished college. so what??? so what I sometimes use multisyllabic words (which he jokes and laughs off but now I am left to wonder how serious he is). So what I'm young? so what I have a loud voice and I'm physically expressive? So what I have a lot to say? So what I respond even when I have an opposite view? So what if I have a lot of views opposite of his? Why should I be made to feel that I am wrong or that I am the cause of anger just because I am being myself? So what I have more money? Who the fuck cares when it comes to friendship? Why bring up this idea of intimidationg and overpowering and challenging if it doesnt apply to you?

One minute he says he likes me because I challenge him and because Im strong, the next minute he says I'm too strong and I overpower him, all the while still claiming that he is not intimidated or threatened, yet once again going on and on about how I can make even the most self-assured person doubt him/herself. My response is, if anything I say or any way I say something can make someone who claims to be convicted in his/her thoughts doubt him/herself, or think about changing his/her mind, that person is NOT strong, NOT convicted, and doesnt need to be in my life or around me. I don't need those type of people around me. All of my FRIENDS know they can say whatever the fuck they want to say to me, without reprecussion. why? because I am open to everything that they say because I know they care about me and will not bullshit me. I depend on my friends to keep me grounded and to check me. But if there are people around me who can't do that or are afraid to do that, why bother? If you say you love me, and I tell you that I love you, you have earned that right to say whatever you want to say to me. As adults we will discuss it. As peoples we will resolve it. As friends we will make things better between us. (again he says he doesnt know me well enough and hasnt earned the right to check me, yet he says he loves me... Im confused)

What made this thing go from a conversation to a point of hurt for me was this. A couple of days ago, I was feeling REALLY sick. I think I ate some bad food or something, but my stomach was killing me. He knew this. Now he has heard me say before that I don't take meds, and he even asked me if I had anything to take for it and I said to him that I don't take stuff like that. The next thing he asked was "Do you have any tea bags?" I said "Naw baby I don't want any tea" Had I known the response those few words would have evoked, I would have just drank the damn tea. just that quick he became insulted. He was insulted because by my declining the tea, in his mind, I was rejecting his help. He said to me "DO you believe I care about you?" and I said "yes baby" then he said "Why won't you let me take care of you?" and I responded with something to the effect of I want you to take care of me but I just don't want any tea, it isnt going to make my stomach better. This was the nail in the coffin. I realize this now. Im SO glad I read John Gray's book.

Mars, yes, he is the Alpha male problem solver. I believe because of his position in life right now, he is limited in what he can do for others. He is man full of pride and has to put his pride aside because he cannot exactly provide for the people he cares for in ways that he might like. So he does what he can. In this scenario, he wanted to show me that he cares for me by taking care of me, and his remedy to my stomach ache was to make me some tea. Maybe that is a rememdy he knows that works for him or others. But for me, that wouldnt have been the move. Tea gives me the runs. In saying No to the tea, I was essentially, in his mind, rejecting him and his help and his care, which was insulting, because he is a man trying to help out a woman he cares for. In my saying No, I once again, for all intents and purposes, out-manned him or at least took away something that he held onto as a provider.

Now speaks Venus. I was in a lot of pain and I knew that tea would give me the runs. Because he doesnt know me that well as he claims half of the time, he should have ASKED me "what can i do to help?" or "what will make u feel better?" Instead he pushed ahead with "Do you have any tea bags?" He skipped parts A and B and went right to C, the solution. True to his problem solver, alpha male ways. Had he simply asked me what would make me feel better, or what he could do to help, I would have told him to simply come lay with me and rub my back, stroke me hair, and hold me close. Had he given me the option to say what I wanted or what I needed, he might not have felt insulted by my rejection of HIS idea. HE wanted to fix this problem, my being in pain, but I took away his ability to do so by rejecting his solution. That bothered him, and I understand it. In my views, it was quite selfish, because he shut down and his disposition changed into something negative, and he became more focused on his own anger at being insulted than he was on the writhing pain I was in. He admitted that tonight, too.

All in all, for me at least, it was a good discussion. I learned alot about this conflicted man and what I have come up with is based on my own observations and perceptions. I know him so well that he will disagree with everything I have written, just on GP, because even if it is all correct, he refuses to let anyone think they can tell him about what how he thinks, how he acts, or what he feels, etc. That was not the intenion of this, of course. This was merely my way of giving my side since I know he began to tune me out at some point (which he, again, admits to doing--Ive even seen him do it to people he has been on the phone with)
and for me to vent the frustration of having to deal with this all over again.

I wouldnt try to compare him to other men, but I have heard this all before. Almost verbatum. Shorter men, less accomplished men, maybe men who dont feel they can discuss the things I discuss or that we have different interests, or clashing views. All the same thing. They feel that they don't quite measure up.

I fell in love with a blue-collar man. Some part of me is still in love with him. This is a man who didnt go to college, and barely finished high school. This is a man who has worked hard and has a great job. This is a man who loves his family and takes are of business the best way he can. He is by no means perfect. He has his battles and issues, too. I didnt need the flashiness. I dont requre a degree. I dont require that he knows the same things I do or that he even have a vast vocabulary. I dont require anything but that he love me, and LOVE means he respects, cares for, and trusts me. That is all I ask. Oh and that he make me laugh.

I just hate when I encounter men,be they friends or lovers, and things end up this way. It saddens me terribly. My friend D was probably right, I should run and head for the hills because this won't get any better. With someone so uncompromising, so suspicious, so quick-tempered, I am destined for more heated discussions/arguments where I get cussed/yelled at, more angry 'goodnight's, more shutting down, more angry dispositions. I don't need it. I am a good friend. Ask any of the knuckleheads that have been in my life for years.

he fights me because he really does care about me. He says I challenge him and I am difficult and these are some of the reasons he likes me, yet when I make the decisions in the "situation" about what I will and will not accept or be a part of, he is bothered. He isn't too happy with someone other than himself calling the shots.

In fact, he is so used to being the shot-caller that the idea that a woman can say to him "Naw, I'll pass" messes with him in a way he wont admit, especially if it is a woman he is truly feeling. Women catch feelings for him all the time and he is usually the one saying "Im not interested". I dont think he has to deal with the shoe being on the other foot too often. He is admittedly anti-feelings, as he said, he isnt supposed to "feel". But something about me makes him feel and he isnt comfortable with it. He says I push him away, but it is he who pushes me away. See, I am not pushing him away. Im letting him go. I care for him, but the "situation" isnt one I need to be involved in, not the way I been feeling for the last year or so. It isnt for lack of feelings, it is because of logic and rationale, but most importantly, it is out of care for him. I fairly new to the game, and I am wise enough, mature enough, and caring enough to be like "Its ok, baby, go and do you, and figure this out. Ill always be your friend. We made a pact, remember?"

He might be testing me to see how much of him I can bear, but what he fails to realize is that I dont play those games and I dont deal well with being tested. He tests people out of his suspicion. People let him do it. I won't. I shouldnt have to be tested as a friend, as a lover, as a potential mate, not by him or anyone.

Ok, I'm done...

Anyone feeling me?