Emotional RollerCoaster
Danjaruz Depiction:
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Sang it Vivian!!!!
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Two weeks of hell. It all began when Hassan was killed. I still do not know how to process it. How does one come to terms with the life of a 30 year old father being removed from earth too soon? How does one deal with knowing that two days before, you were shooting the shit with him, laughing, making jokes, hugging, talking about some plans for next week? Couldn't go to the wake. Couldnt face family. Couldn't deal with funeral arrangements. Laid in the cut waiting for the pain to drop. Still waiting...
Then, in one of the most random ways, I found out that the man I gave a year of my life to had cheated on me. I broke up with him because I felt that we were emotionally disconnected, and had been for some time. I thought maybe it was my fault, maybe I was a hassle or maybe I wasnt a good enough woman. In fact, he had me thinking I was a source of aggravation for him; he had me thinking I was paranoid. I questioned myself as a woman, thinking maybe I wasnt as good a woman as I thought I was. The entire time I was RIGHT. He had cheated on me, not too long after my birthday. And I KNEW it!!! Some people don't understand why some people question my outrage. They say, "Well you already broke up with him, why are you stressing?" If only things were that simple.
He had me question and doubt myself. He challenged my views on the great person I am. With his own cheating actions, he compromised my view of myself, by acting out towards me, and withdrawing from me, seemingly with no reason. It hurt me deep to know that I was right, yet someone had me believing that I was wrong. It hurt me deep that the ONE person no one would EVER imagine to be a cheater, turned out to be just that. All of the talk about being different, being a man of the church, being the perfect gentleman... All of that bullshit and lies. I dealt with living in an emotionally void relationship. I suffered through HORRIBLE sex with a very insecure man and remained faithful. I remained in a relationship with someone who has some of the most warped views and values, that I often questioned if he was Black or if he just had a dark tan. I remained loyal to someone who didnt deserve my love, loyalty, or respect. I fell in love with his family. My family loved him. Everything seemed so neat and perfect, and he threw it all away for one night of very WEAK sex.
Im ok now. I wasnt exactly hurt about the cheating. I was moreso suffering a bruised ego. I think it was more of a shock like "How dare YOU? You weak dick, 30 second lasting, lying bitch!!!! How dare YOu cheat on fabulous ME???" Well, it was to be expected. He is a dick, deacon or not, he is a dick. I was sooooo relieved to be out of the relationship, because, as is my nature, I got bored with him. I mean I realized towards the end, after months of disconnection and a few weak sexual encounters, I didnt want to be there anymore. I realized that he was a slob, a real pig, who didnt know the meaning of cleaning. I realized he had no care at all about his personal appearance. I realized that the only good he was to me was financial, and after a while, even that was lacking. Why was I bothering? So I left him.
I found all of this out afterwards. And it was something I wish I had not found out. But then I might have continued on, thinking I was wrong, thinking I was to blame, for being shallow, for finding faults. None of this would have happened had he honored our relationship.
So now, I am dating again. There are a lot of beautiful men out there. I am in lvoe with the male species. I do not have a problem dating. The only issue is that I cannot be in a relationship. At least not now. It isnt my time. How do I tell these beautiful men that Im enjoying myself, enjoying their company, but that I cannot do the relationship thing? it is so hard. Some men want me as their woman. some want me as a regular sex partner. Some want to be able to say they had/have me, like I am a trophy. In the end, I still go to bed by myself at night. The holidays are coming and I will spend them alone, as usual. No one to get me gifts, no one to take me to their family dinner. No one to hold at night in the cold. As usual....
Danjaruz Haiku:
Delicate woman
Epitome of Beauty
alone and lonely
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Sang it Vivian!!!!
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Two weeks of hell. It all began when Hassan was killed. I still do not know how to process it. How does one come to terms with the life of a 30 year old father being removed from earth too soon? How does one deal with knowing that two days before, you were shooting the shit with him, laughing, making jokes, hugging, talking about some plans for next week? Couldn't go to the wake. Couldnt face family. Couldn't deal with funeral arrangements. Laid in the cut waiting for the pain to drop. Still waiting...
Then, in one of the most random ways, I found out that the man I gave a year of my life to had cheated on me. I broke up with him because I felt that we were emotionally disconnected, and had been for some time. I thought maybe it was my fault, maybe I was a hassle or maybe I wasnt a good enough woman. In fact, he had me thinking I was a source of aggravation for him; he had me thinking I was paranoid. I questioned myself as a woman, thinking maybe I wasnt as good a woman as I thought I was. The entire time I was RIGHT. He had cheated on me, not too long after my birthday. And I KNEW it!!! Some people don't understand why some people question my outrage. They say, "Well you already broke up with him, why are you stressing?" If only things were that simple.
He had me question and doubt myself. He challenged my views on the great person I am. With his own cheating actions, he compromised my view of myself, by acting out towards me, and withdrawing from me, seemingly with no reason. It hurt me deep to know that I was right, yet someone had me believing that I was wrong. It hurt me deep that the ONE person no one would EVER imagine to be a cheater, turned out to be just that. All of the talk about being different, being a man of the church, being the perfect gentleman... All of that bullshit and lies. I dealt with living in an emotionally void relationship. I suffered through HORRIBLE sex with a very insecure man and remained faithful. I remained in a relationship with someone who has some of the most warped views and values, that I often questioned if he was Black or if he just had a dark tan. I remained loyal to someone who didnt deserve my love, loyalty, or respect. I fell in love with his family. My family loved him. Everything seemed so neat and perfect, and he threw it all away for one night of very WEAK sex.
Im ok now. I wasnt exactly hurt about the cheating. I was moreso suffering a bruised ego. I think it was more of a shock like "How dare YOU? You weak dick, 30 second lasting, lying bitch!!!! How dare YOu cheat on fabulous ME???" Well, it was to be expected. He is a dick, deacon or not, he is a dick. I was sooooo relieved to be out of the relationship, because, as is my nature, I got bored with him. I mean I realized towards the end, after months of disconnection and a few weak sexual encounters, I didnt want to be there anymore. I realized that he was a slob, a real pig, who didnt know the meaning of cleaning. I realized he had no care at all about his personal appearance. I realized that the only good he was to me was financial, and after a while, even that was lacking. Why was I bothering? So I left him.
I found all of this out afterwards. And it was something I wish I had not found out. But then I might have continued on, thinking I was wrong, thinking I was to blame, for being shallow, for finding faults. None of this would have happened had he honored our relationship.
So now, I am dating again. There are a lot of beautiful men out there. I am in lvoe with the male species. I do not have a problem dating. The only issue is that I cannot be in a relationship. At least not now. It isnt my time. How do I tell these beautiful men that Im enjoying myself, enjoying their company, but that I cannot do the relationship thing? it is so hard. Some men want me as their woman. some want me as a regular sex partner. Some want to be able to say they had/have me, like I am a trophy. In the end, I still go to bed by myself at night. The holidays are coming and I will spend them alone, as usual. No one to get me gifts, no one to take me to their family dinner. No one to hold at night in the cold. As usual....
Danjaruz Haiku:
Delicate woman
Epitome of Beauty
alone and lonely
posted by MBT4679 at 11/19/2004 09:16:00 AM
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