Alone

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
No...this is not about somebody else... I just need some time to myself...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Sometimes the best thing one can do is be by oneself. I have been coming to this same conclusion repeatedly over the past few years, but something deep inside me fears lonliness. I have been afraid of being alone, having no on thinking about me, being without some type of companionship. Recently, though, that fear has subsided quite a bit. I have been able to make some moves to overcome that fear, or at least make attempts at it.

It is hard. Im so used to having a lot of people around me or in my face, wanting me to go here, go there, do this, do that. It is still similar, except now, I think I just want peace. I want a life without confusion of any sort, and in my life, most of my confusion has come from deep within my heart and soul. Emotional confusion seems to have been my life force. That isnt good, and i have ben learning how to not let emotions or emotional attachments consume me.

When one goes from having very little affection, love, attention, or any real emotions, to being overwhelmed by them, confusion is pretty much unavoidable. I have been swimming in a pool of confusion for too many years. How can I let go when I cant find the strength inside to be alone? has been the question I have asked myself repeatedly.

Why do people want to be around me? Ok so maybe Im occasionally funny. Maybe I love having a good time. But what draws people to me? Why do some people take me for granted or take advantage of my goodness. Why do I let them? Why do I do so much for so many people, and sit at home, alone, content to receive very little in return? Maybe forsaking my own happiness has been a means of escape. But from what?

Seems like all of a sudden, people actually care about me. People are genuinely interested in thigns I do, moves I make, and the like. It weirds me out because I am honestly not used to it. Im not used to so many men (and recently women) being attracted to me. Im not used to people asking about me, wanting to know who I am. I am not used to people wanting to be friends with me. What does this all mean? Has the energy I put out changed, thus attracting more people to me? Have I begun to finally open up? When I open up though, the confusion flows out and maybe people cannot understand what Im saying or going through. So for the most part I keep my mouth shut, and again, turn to myself.

I am the only person who can make me happy. I can do nothing more than enjoy the time I have on this earth. I can only do what God put me on this earth to do. So far, He has directed me to becoming a teacher and my feet will follow the path He has laid out for me. I know what I want, but I always seem to settle for something less. It is as if I cannot convince myself that I deserve more, or maybe I do not think that "more" relly exists. I take what I can get, I think. Im working on that though. I want all or nothing, but yet I often settle for the in between.

I cant really do that, not anymore. I'd rather be alone... And I am sure that is what is in store for me in the near future. I'm kinda glad though. I need to be alone, as I came into this world, and as I will leave this world.

Yeah... alone...

Danjaruz Haiku:
I need to be me
I need to be only me
Alone is my heart