Long Week

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"Search my mind,
And search my heart.
Touch my spirit,
I want to make a brand new start.
If you find anything in me,
That should not be,
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
And staighten me.
It's my desire to be right.
Create in my a clean heart.
Create in me the right spirit.
I want to be right,
I want to be whole..." -- "Create In Me" by Lawrence Matthews and Friends (1994)

 

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

This has been a trying week for me.  I cannot completely explain everything that has gone on with me or that has been turning over in my mind.

Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone who has offered a kind word and offered support.

I am not one to reach out or lean on people during hard times, never have been.  But this is not to say I don't appreciate the concern and effort of folks dear to me, because I do.  I internalize things a lot.  My blog reflects maybe 10% of what I think, and even less of what I am willing to share.  I'm just weird like that, I guess. I'm just asking that people not be offended if I don't open up or if I seem distant when asked what is wrong.  I know I can make it difficult for folks to "be there", but I mean no harm.

Never have I experienced such regret and remorse. I have even prided myself on being someone who experiences very little regret or remorse.  I try to see each experience in my life as a learning experience, one I would not change because it led to me being who I am.  The other night, I just lost it.  I was hysterical and I felt like I had no grip on my sanity.  I felt as though I was about to slip into an abyss from which I would never return.  All because of the guilt and remorse that has consumed me as of late.

I had a conversation with someone yesterday that needed to happen, and has been put off for a very long time.  This person had a lot to say to me, finally, and I knew that the expression of the emotions this person felt would be therapeutic, so I silently listened and allowed it.  Whether or not it resonated within me, I am unsure.  There seems to be a wall around me that won't allow these words or expressions to penetrate my core, yet I understood the need for this person to express them.  My boyfriend suggested that maybe I felt it was too little, too late, but I don't know if that is exactly what I felt.  I think what I felt was an emptiness that could not be filled, not by this person, not by anyone.  It is this emptiness that I have lived with for as long as I can remember. 

This isnt an issues of forgiveness, because that has been done.  It isnt about letting go or moving on, because that has been done.  It is about this person being unable to do anything to change who I have become, which is ironic because this person is almost 100% responsible for the person I have become.  Yet this person no longer has any power or control over the direction in which my life will go and this person understands it.  This person expressed pride in who I have become, and in the same breath acknowledged that this person's bad decisions and negative actions have contributed to the path I have chosen for my life.

How does one develop a life founded in negativity and turn it into somethign positive?  How does negativity become the driving force for positivity?  Do negative means ever justify positive ends?

I am who I am for many reasons and because of the influence of a number of people.  This person has been a major influence both directly and indirectly, yet not in the way that this person had hoped.  This person acknowledged mistakes made, citing this person's own negative life experiences and relationships.  I just listened, let this person speak, and deflected it all.  I cannot even say it went in one ear and out of the other.  My ear didn't care to open up at all...

If I ever expect to sustain a productive relationship... if I ever expect to be a great friend... if I ever expect to be a good mother, I need to do something.  I am not well.  Most people who have ever penetrated my core know this; there is something really wrong with me.  These days, I find it almost impossible to remove the veil of cynicism that shields my eyes.  I find that I become increasingly immune to certain things, while other things feel like they are going to destroy me with the slightest brush.

I needed a resolution.  I needed absolution.  I needed forgiveness and understanding.  I needed reconciliation.  I needed love.

Now... I have love. I have reconciled.  I have forgiven and understood, and been forgiven and understood.  I have been absolved, and it all has been resolved.

In college, I sang in a gospel choir and the director pulled me aside one day, and said God put a song on his heart for me.  He said he God told him that I was battling a lot of demons and struggling with a lot of unresolved issues.  I sang this song at our spring concert and so many people in the audience stood up and began shouting and crying because, like me, they had been struggling and battling as well.  I know I am not the only person who has had trial upon trial and tribulation upon tribulation.  I know that there are people who have had it worse than I have.  I know that there are people who have not made it as far as I have and I am so blessed to be able to wake up every morning and live the life that I live.  But sometimes, it hurts.  Even now, we hurt...