Where are you headed?
Danjaruz Demeanor:
nostaligic
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If you cant have the one you love
Then where are you going in your life
If you cant have that person in your life
Then where are you heading in your life
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
A man asked me the other day what my age was and I said 26. He asked me how many kids I had [not IF I had any kids] and I said none, and he was shocked. Literally he said "Wow, are you serious? Hard to find women your age without kids these days". He then asked me if I was in school or working and I said I work. He said oh, you didnt want to go to college? Again I was somewhat taken aback by the assumption he was making. I told him I graduated in 2002 and his response was again one of shock. He said something to the effect of how he couldnt believe that a 26 year old black woman in NYC finished college and had no kids. He said I was a rare gem. then he asked if I lived with anyone and I said my man. He said he expected me to say I lived with my mother and admitted that.[I wont go into my own encounters with people who have exhibited resentment towards me and others who have accomplished the things they have not, because that isnt what this post is about...maybe another day]
Now in my previous post, I talked about receiving male attention. This man's response was no unlike things I have heard before. Many men have taken that same stance. The shock that a sista in her early 20s could not live at home, not have any kids, and have a college degree and stable job.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE PEOPLE?????
This should not be an issue. It should not be a shock. I should not be considered a "rare gem". This is a problem on two levels:
1)Why is it "special" for a black woman to have finished college and not have kids and live on her own, but it is standard for a white woman and accepted as the norm? what is up with our people when we look at our people who are doing what society says they should be doing as special? We ought o have MORE black women in their 20s with college degrees, stable jobs, not living with parents, either married with children, or with no children at all. That is my belief and I stick by it. I know things happen and I am one who helps people who have taken turns on their paths, but damn people, this should not be "special". Men taking care of their kids should not be congratulated, it is their job! Men with no criminal records should not be considered "special", they shouldnt be committing crimes! Going to college, getting a job, and living on one's own should NOT be considered a special feat, yet in our community it is.
2) I know plenty of women just like me, both black and latina. We are all over the place. Since graduating college, I have been in two long-term, exclusive relationships, this one included. At other times, men found it very hard to believe I was single. I didnt find it hard to believe at all, though I did often doubt myself. I wondered to myself, why does the woman in her late 20s, early 30s with 3 kids by 2 men, no college education, works as a receptionist, get a man, and I dont. I wasnt hating on her cuz I want her to be happy, but with all of the shit men talk about the type of woman they wanted, I felt like I fit the bill, yet I was without a man, or the men I was involved with werent shit. A number of my girlfriends have experienced similar feelings of wondering what we are doing wrong.
Is it that men are intimidated by us? That is indeed part of it. We have all told stories of being with men who could not seem to handle that their women had either accomplished more than they had or made more money or whatever. Men always say they want an independent woman, when really they want women who are 1)financially independent and 2)dont nag. There are not many men, at least not in my opinion, who can deal with a woman who seems to have her life together and seems to not be in need of much.
Is it that our standards are too high? That is worth looking into. I have a friend who will only date latino men who have Ivy League educations because she is a latina with an Ivy League education. Some people think of that as being pretentious, but how different is it from a woman wanting a man with a job, since she has a job? She wants someone who she feels is on her level. I remember that I refused to date men with kids because I didnt have any. I felt that I was young enough to find a man in my age range who didnt have kids, and that would be one of my screening points. I also knew that he had to be taller than me, I prefered over 6'4, he had to have a college degree and had to be employed in a career that I approved of. He couldnt live at home, and he had to love hip hop music. Interestingly enough, I have encountered MANY men who fit these criteria, unfortunately, they either didnt work out, didnt want me, or were just assholes lol. Sometimes, we college-educated, career-minded young women have tunnel vision. We think about the work we have done to get to where we are and we want-- demand a man who has worked just as hard and has come just as far. This does not allow us room to see other men who might not have 10 pt matches, but might be exactly what we need. This is why many of my peers are single.
Are we looking in the wrong places? With technology as it is these days, the ways to meet the right partner have multiplied. Some people take advantage of the net, while others prefer traditional ways of meeting [thru friends, brs, church, clubs, etc]. The problem is, no matter where you go, you will encounter bad men. Internet, churh, clubs, bars, blind dates, all can turn up some bad seeds. This is why many women have lists of minimal standards; to weed out the knuckleheads as much as possible. Unfortunately some good guys gets caught in the sifting. Some sista view meeting men at clubs as only good for a bootycall because they believe men at clubs are only seeking that. Sometimes men in church can be perceived as being too uptight or too marriage-minded for some women who might just want to enjoy an exciting life before settling down. Meeting a guy in a bar? Well maybe you dont want to be saddled with a drunkard lol. The internet has its ups and downs as well. it is a breeding ground for married people looking to cheat and it also an arena where people can "create" any personality they want. Reality in person is something different. My man approached me via email so I cannot say that the net doesnt work. If nothing else, it allows the chances of finding a guy to increase dramatically, especially since one can interact with people globally.
Are we doing too much or too little? How important is it for women to lay out all of their cards? Should women list their stats and demand that men meet them or walk? Should women hold their accomplishments back until they feel comfortable sharing? Should women "dumb themselves down" on dates so as to cater to a man's ego? I know I am guilty of that, on several occasions. There have been times when I have bitten my tongue, or kept quiet about certain aspects of my personality or history because I felt that a guy might have been bothered by it or at least uncomfortable. that wasnt the way to go, but it is a length to which many successful sistas will go to have a guy around.
Do we settle? Yes! Many successful sistas, or women in general, do the dreaded settling. I almost did it myself until I believe God showed me the light and showed me that the man I was with was not for me. A lot of women settle for so much less than they deserve. They settle for cheaters, abusers, liars, lazy asses, etc. Or maybe the guy is nice, but he just doesnt have "it"--that thing that drives u crazy in love when you think of him. Maybe we settle for someone sexually imcompetant; I know I have lol. But in many ways, women often settle [men do too but I think women do more] because society has told us that we are supposed to get married and have children, and that we arent real women if we dont. That is a bunch of nonsense of course, but it is something that so many of us buy into. While men have the luxury of taking their time, living bachelor lives even well into their 30s, women are pushed to beign manhunting either right after college or in the mid-20s age range. 30 is like the dreaded age for women because we feel that it is all downhill from there. If people didnt settle, we wouldnt have such a high divorce rate, so the evidence clearly shows, people are marrying the wrong people.
That 4 year old girl in the picture wanted to grow up, get married, have kids, help other people, and be a school teacher. As she got older, going to college, moving out, getting a job were all things that were expected and pushed. I have spoken with my boyfriend about this and he said that I just had to understand that women like me were not the norm. I admit I was saddened by this. He says he feels he is lucky to find someone my age who has done so much, while I spend most of my time thinking I havent done enough. I have friends in med school, friends who have finished law school. I have one friend having a baby, and another friend is getting married. I have one friend who is a published author, and another one in a high position at a local college. I feel like I should be doing more, but when I look at the other women around me in my age group, I dont feel so bad. I feel blessed that I have hd the opportunity, the support, and the ability to get to where I am. I want more for my people, especially women. I hate it when I see people falling into the same traps. I hate when people become negative statistics. I hate some of the things I have done in my life that could have very well led me to be the same statistic. But it doesnt stop me from wanting to help and do something about it.
There is more to life than club-hopping. There is more to life than throwing parties. There is more to life than being someone's baby mama or baby daddy. There is more to life than divorce. There is more to life than a high school diploma. There is more to life than public assistance. There is more to life than being a 40 year old receptionist. There is more to life than being a grandmother at 40. There is more to life than having random sex with men whose names you cannot remember. There is more to life than obesity. There is more to life than being the "other woman" or the "jump off". There is more to life than 5 yearsof cohabitation and no marriage. There is more to life than smoking weed and drinking.
Think of the person you were then. The young, innocent, impressionable person. think of who you are now, shaped by society, in your particular life. Are you 100% happy where you are? What might you have done differently,if given the chance? How do plan to spend the rest of your life?
Something to think about...
nostaligic
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If you cant have the one you love
Then where are you going in your life
If you cant have that person in your life
Then where are you heading in your life
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
A man asked me the other day what my age was and I said 26. He asked me how many kids I had [not IF I had any kids] and I said none, and he was shocked. Literally he said "Wow, are you serious? Hard to find women your age without kids these days". He then asked me if I was in school or working and I said I work. He said oh, you didnt want to go to college? Again I was somewhat taken aback by the assumption he was making. I told him I graduated in 2002 and his response was again one of shock. He said something to the effect of how he couldnt believe that a 26 year old black woman in NYC finished college and had no kids. He said I was a rare gem. then he asked if I lived with anyone and I said my man. He said he expected me to say I lived with my mother and admitted that.[I wont go into my own encounters with people who have exhibited resentment towards me and others who have accomplished the things they have not, because that isnt what this post is about...maybe another day]
Now in my previous post, I talked about receiving male attention. This man's response was no unlike things I have heard before. Many men have taken that same stance. The shock that a sista in her early 20s could not live at home, not have any kids, and have a college degree and stable job.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE PEOPLE?????
This should not be an issue. It should not be a shock. I should not be considered a "rare gem". This is a problem on two levels:
1)Why is it "special" for a black woman to have finished college and not have kids and live on her own, but it is standard for a white woman and accepted as the norm? what is up with our people when we look at our people who are doing what society says they should be doing as special? We ought o have MORE black women in their 20s with college degrees, stable jobs, not living with parents, either married with children, or with no children at all. That is my belief and I stick by it. I know things happen and I am one who helps people who have taken turns on their paths, but damn people, this should not be "special". Men taking care of their kids should not be congratulated, it is their job! Men with no criminal records should not be considered "special", they shouldnt be committing crimes! Going to college, getting a job, and living on one's own should NOT be considered a special feat, yet in our community it is.
2) I know plenty of women just like me, both black and latina. We are all over the place. Since graduating college, I have been in two long-term, exclusive relationships, this one included. At other times, men found it very hard to believe I was single. I didnt find it hard to believe at all, though I did often doubt myself. I wondered to myself, why does the woman in her late 20s, early 30s with 3 kids by 2 men, no college education, works as a receptionist, get a man, and I dont. I wasnt hating on her cuz I want her to be happy, but with all of the shit men talk about the type of woman they wanted, I felt like I fit the bill, yet I was without a man, or the men I was involved with werent shit. A number of my girlfriends have experienced similar feelings of wondering what we are doing wrong.
Is it that men are intimidated by us? That is indeed part of it. We have all told stories of being with men who could not seem to handle that their women had either accomplished more than they had or made more money or whatever. Men always say they want an independent woman, when really they want women who are 1)financially independent and 2)dont nag. There are not many men, at least not in my opinion, who can deal with a woman who seems to have her life together and seems to not be in need of much.
Is it that our standards are too high? That is worth looking into. I have a friend who will only date latino men who have Ivy League educations because she is a latina with an Ivy League education. Some people think of that as being pretentious, but how different is it from a woman wanting a man with a job, since she has a job? She wants someone who she feels is on her level. I remember that I refused to date men with kids because I didnt have any. I felt that I was young enough to find a man in my age range who didnt have kids, and that would be one of my screening points. I also knew that he had to be taller than me, I prefered over 6'4, he had to have a college degree and had to be employed in a career that I approved of. He couldnt live at home, and he had to love hip hop music. Interestingly enough, I have encountered MANY men who fit these criteria, unfortunately, they either didnt work out, didnt want me, or were just assholes lol. Sometimes, we college-educated, career-minded young women have tunnel vision. We think about the work we have done to get to where we are and we want-- demand a man who has worked just as hard and has come just as far. This does not allow us room to see other men who might not have 10 pt matches, but might be exactly what we need. This is why many of my peers are single.
Are we looking in the wrong places? With technology as it is these days, the ways to meet the right partner have multiplied. Some people take advantage of the net, while others prefer traditional ways of meeting [thru friends, brs, church, clubs, etc]. The problem is, no matter where you go, you will encounter bad men. Internet, churh, clubs, bars, blind dates, all can turn up some bad seeds. This is why many women have lists of minimal standards; to weed out the knuckleheads as much as possible. Unfortunately some good guys gets caught in the sifting. Some sista view meeting men at clubs as only good for a bootycall because they believe men at clubs are only seeking that. Sometimes men in church can be perceived as being too uptight or too marriage-minded for some women who might just want to enjoy an exciting life before settling down. Meeting a guy in a bar? Well maybe you dont want to be saddled with a drunkard lol. The internet has its ups and downs as well. it is a breeding ground for married people looking to cheat and it also an arena where people can "create" any personality they want. Reality in person is something different. My man approached me via email so I cannot say that the net doesnt work. If nothing else, it allows the chances of finding a guy to increase dramatically, especially since one can interact with people globally.
Are we doing too much or too little? How important is it for women to lay out all of their cards? Should women list their stats and demand that men meet them or walk? Should women hold their accomplishments back until they feel comfortable sharing? Should women "dumb themselves down" on dates so as to cater to a man's ego? I know I am guilty of that, on several occasions. There have been times when I have bitten my tongue, or kept quiet about certain aspects of my personality or history because I felt that a guy might have been bothered by it or at least uncomfortable. that wasnt the way to go, but it is a length to which many successful sistas will go to have a guy around.
Do we settle? Yes! Many successful sistas, or women in general, do the dreaded settling. I almost did it myself until I believe God showed me the light and showed me that the man I was with was not for me. A lot of women settle for so much less than they deserve. They settle for cheaters, abusers, liars, lazy asses, etc. Or maybe the guy is nice, but he just doesnt have "it"--that thing that drives u crazy in love when you think of him. Maybe we settle for someone sexually imcompetant; I know I have lol. But in many ways, women often settle [men do too but I think women do more] because society has told us that we are supposed to get married and have children, and that we arent real women if we dont. That is a bunch of nonsense of course, but it is something that so many of us buy into. While men have the luxury of taking their time, living bachelor lives even well into their 30s, women are pushed to beign manhunting either right after college or in the mid-20s age range. 30 is like the dreaded age for women because we feel that it is all downhill from there. If people didnt settle, we wouldnt have such a high divorce rate, so the evidence clearly shows, people are marrying the wrong people.
That 4 year old girl in the picture wanted to grow up, get married, have kids, help other people, and be a school teacher. As she got older, going to college, moving out, getting a job were all things that were expected and pushed. I have spoken with my boyfriend about this and he said that I just had to understand that women like me were not the norm. I admit I was saddened by this. He says he feels he is lucky to find someone my age who has done so much, while I spend most of my time thinking I havent done enough. I have friends in med school, friends who have finished law school. I have one friend having a baby, and another friend is getting married. I have one friend who is a published author, and another one in a high position at a local college. I feel like I should be doing more, but when I look at the other women around me in my age group, I dont feel so bad. I feel blessed that I have hd the opportunity, the support, and the ability to get to where I am. I want more for my people, especially women. I hate it when I see people falling into the same traps. I hate when people become negative statistics. I hate some of the things I have done in my life that could have very well led me to be the same statistic. But it doesnt stop me from wanting to help and do something about it.
There is more to life than club-hopping. There is more to life than throwing parties. There is more to life than being someone's baby mama or baby daddy. There is more to life than divorce. There is more to life than a high school diploma. There is more to life than public assistance. There is more to life than being a 40 year old receptionist. There is more to life than being a grandmother at 40. There is more to life than having random sex with men whose names you cannot remember. There is more to life than obesity. There is more to life than being the "other woman" or the "jump off". There is more to life than 5 yearsof cohabitation and no marriage. There is more to life than smoking weed and drinking.
Think of the person you were then. The young, innocent, impressionable person. think of who you are now, shaped by society, in your particular life. Are you 100% happy where you are? What might you have done differently,if given the chance? How do plan to spend the rest of your life?
Something to think about...
posted by MBT4679 at 9/18/2005 03:54:00 PM
3 Comments:
Change your gender to male and add in acqusations of homosexuality and you get what I go through once a week.
My personal favorite was the time this woman's friend said "you shouldn't ask how many children he has, ask ho many he claims cause they all have some kids somwhere that they will never claim.".
Fun times I tell ya!!!
Yeah somethin' certainly to think about sista....
this is arguable one of the better posts i have ever read. thank you for reinforcing my aspirations. keep it up. word.
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