I'm A Loner

Danjaruz Demeanor:
Solo

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I get so lonely
Can't let just anybody hold me...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Hard to believe isnt it? Well, a little known fact about Danja is that she is a loner. I prefer to be alone or with maybe one other person around me. Maybe I should say that is a little known fact about Michelle. I think Danja is someone totally different, yet a reflection of some part of me I suppose.

I joined BlackPlanet in February 2000 and I saw they had chat rooms. While I'd heard of chat rooms, I'd never been in one before. I saw two the caught my attention: Intelligent Brothas and Sistas and a BBW Chat. I knew that BBW was the term used for fat women, so I went in the intelligent chat first, planning on going to the BBW chat second. After enough bullshit rhetoric from the fingertips of bean pie salespeople, I waddled over to the Fat Chat. I watched for a while and saw people interacting like they knew each other eprsonally, people making jokes, people playing music, posting pictures, etc. This was all brand new to me, but in true Aries/Only Child form, I jumped right in and made myself known. Some of these people I still speak with today. In fact, one man, D, is a very close friend of my man and I.

Anyway, the BP experience was... interesting lol. I bring this up because what I see going on now in a lot of "circles" on this yahoo net and 360 thing is what I experienced and witnessed going on from 2000 until about 2002 on BP. During that time, I got engaged with internet "cliques" that met offline and got together for whatever occasions, sometimes as a big group, sometimes as smaller groups. Sometimes, we would crack jokes and laugh and make fun of people, talk shit about people, talk sideways so people couldnt tell we were talking about them, etc. We did some foul shit and I know some people viewed me as somewhat of a ringleader. Maybe I was, maybe I wasnt, but I do know that the perceived ringleader status led to a lot of problems for me internally and externally.

Some people who were my "online friends" began to resent me. They began to resent the personality they'd come to know or believed they knew. They began to resent the things I said, or they "heard" I said. Some people had issue with the attention I got, whether it was positive or negative. Some lies were told, rumors spread, and the "clique" began to dissolve. Of course, I felt that people who were true friends would work things out and remain so. From what I gather, they have or have not. I met another one of my best friends on BP, and because she was my friend, a lot of people shunned her. I thought that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard of, but it happened. In fact, a number of people distanced themselves from me, my so-called friends, because of the negative attention they received by being associated with me. Every ringleader must have followers right? And who wants to be labeled as a follower? I understood what was going on, and though I was a bit hurt and more than disappointed, there was little I could do. A lot of things said werent true, a lot of who I was, i felt, was misunderstood. I realized that it is because I didnt open up to anyone really, and to this day, I still tend to keep things closed. I realize it is because not everyone is going to be my friend or even like me. I realized that sometimes, things just dont work out, and it is ok. I dont have to beat myself up about it or worry about what people are thinking or saying.

I left that scene, with my graduation from college, and decided to keep things a bit more simple. I then began to check out yahoo clubs/groups, some with the same people, some with new people. All generally based around the BBW community. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I observe some situations now and they remind me so much of my BP days. People all up in each other's business, people saying this, saying that, lying about this, spreading that rumor, etc. I had a few drinks with a friend who told me that someone claimed something about an interaction with me that never happened. I was not surprised because it isnt the first time someone claimed to have met me, interacted with me, whatever with me. I was bothered only because as much as I have tried to take steps bak to avoid nonsense, it still exists. The old me might have played the victim, as I see so many other men and women doing these days. But the me who had a hell of a life in the last 5 years has had to take a step back and think about my own contributions to this stuff. I knew that I was partially responsible for a lot of things, and that I had to fix MY side, before I could complain about other people's contributions. This is why I withdrew from a lot of social circles I was once involved in. I figured if I am not around, I would be out of sight and out of mind. Of course that isnt the case, but it was a nice hope.

The BBW community is an interesting one. Here were have smaller communities, mostly dominated by women [which means excessive estrogen...ahem...emotions] full of people seeking a communcal sense of acceptance. Before getting involved with this scene, I had major issues when it came to my appearance and men. I'd dated a lot, had sex, etc, but, like today, I never saw the big deal about my looks. When I got involved in the community, all of a sudden, there were men coming from every angle, trying in so many ways to get next to me. I got caught up, I admit, and had my share of interesting experiences lol. This would be why folks have labeled me a "ho" "bitch" and even a "black widow". I like to let people think what they want about how many or what men I have been involved with, but I always have found it funny how concerned people were about it at all. If one is secure in one's own life, why would one be overly concerned about someone else's life? I have yet to get an answer on that. I had people giving me advice, people warning me, people whispering about me, people having phone conferences about me, people making "hate" pages about me, to the point where my "reputation" began to become just as significant as I thought I was. I got the point when I just laughed,amazed at the things being said, yet still wondering what is this all about? People have the right to not like me, cuz I damn sure have the right to not like some people. But sometimes things just went really far.

One gentleman told me "If you were ugly, you wouldnt have any problems at all" and it got me to thinking about it. Was that really what it was about? It couldnt be that simple, so I took it with a grain of salt. Do I consider myself pretty? Not particularly, but then,I just attribute how I look to my parents and I usually respond "I'm just me". The community is one that thrives on the need to be accepted. In terms of image in society, fat people are the most reviled and now, fat people have places they can go, communities they can join, where they can be accepted and respected, despite their size. But is this really true? No, and when I came to full realization of this, I decided sitting at home watching Family Guy reruns was more enjoyable than going to a Fat Girl party or plugging into the Fat Girl matrix.

The need to be accepted comes from insecurity. I know I was not happy being bigger than I am now, and because of the health problems I had attributed to my weight, I have been working to lose it. I was NOT proud of being at higher risk of DEATH due to my fatness. Had little to do with the looks anymore because that no longer was a problem for me. I do admit though, initially, I became involved in these communities because I was insecure. I did exist in environments where big people were shunned and I hated it. I was happy to find communities that had their own parties, their own events, and people could come to build what I believed were going to be friendships. But then, these people were brought together because they were fat or fat admirers. That says something about the friendships doesnt it? Frienships forged by fat. Granted, I would not have met some of the people closest to me, but it is still an interesting dynamic to examine. If one of us was not fat, would we have even met? Hmmm.

Anyway, women are emotional which is why we tend to be more sensative which leads to us being more dramatic. Rejection is a major issue for fat women, and when one comes to the BBW community and is still rejected, it has to be very hard to deal with. This is why one can feel the tension in a room full of big women when there are men around. Insecurity still looms, and emotions are on fingertips. Rather than exist as a true community, there are other elements that break things down. The main one is men. I mean, in the end this is what it is all about isnt it? Finding a man? Let's be real folks. This is not to say that every fat women on the net is looking for a man, so dont get all mad. lol. So when a woman, who already has insecurities and certain issues with herself, enters an arena with other women experiencing similar issues, and is trying to "compete" for the attention of the very FEW eligible men, tempers flare, emotions rise, tensions thicken, and that is how it all begins. And whne many of these men prey on the insecurities of these women, it makes it all the more terrible.

Everything else is secondary. The whispers, the "oh no she didnt"s, the "she is TOO big"s, the "that bitch..." this, the cheating, the sleeping with the same men, the overlapping relationships, etc. All of this, in my opinion, derives from the need to attract positive male attention. Unfortunately, our insecurities lead us to getting involved with men of less than honorable intentions, but we cannot see that, because we want something SO bad. We just want to be accepted, treated right, and loved and we seek these things within the one community that is supposed to foster all of these things. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage of our insecurities. Unfortunately, we think we have friends when we really dont. Unfortunately, we think we are more important than we really are to others. Unfortunately, some of us do not know when or how to let go.

The morning of my 26th birthday, I woke up and decided that the I spent the first quarter century of my life in messes. Some I created, others I was forced into. I decided that from that day forward, I wouldnt let it go on. Coincidentally, that was the day I met my man. Some people have attributed my changes to being with him, and he has even said he wishes he'd maybe met me later, so others could see that it wasnt so much about him as it was about me. I told him I dont give a fuck what other people think, I know me and he knows me. I decided that the friendships based on false pretenses were going to end. I decided that I couldnt force friendships with people I didnt like. I knew that just because I slept with a guy, it didnt mean I had to pretend to care about him. I learned to stop pretending about my feelings, to stop convincing myself I felt ways that I really did not. I had to stop hanging out with people just because I wanted to something to do. I got comfortable with the fact that my closest friends lived nowhere near me, and many of the people I hung out with here were just filling in the voids. This is not to say that I havent made friends here, it is just that I could have skipped all of the parties, the drinking, the dancing, etc and stayed home.

I engaged in it because I was bored. I engaged in it because I was young and out of college and I wanted to enjoy the paychecks I brought home. I engaged in it because the busier I was, the less I had to deal with the issues and demons inside of me. I engaged it in because I was insecure about a lot of things, and the attention I received, both positive and negative, gave me cause to not dwell on these things. I decided that enough was enough. I began to look around me and realize that I had very little in common with the people I interacted with and quite frankly, I didnt really LIKE 98% of them. The partying wasnt ME. The drinking was and always will be though lol. I found that I forged friendships/relationships that forced me to pretend to be someone I was not. I got sick of it and on April 6th, 2005 I decided I was going to do it no more. I decided to embrace my inner "loner".

Nowadays, I stay home a lot and I have never felt better. My boyfriend and I have came together in a way I believe was planned. We both had to go through a lot of struggle and pain and confusion in our past relationships and past lives to get to the point where we are now. Our relationshp progressed quickly despite both of us fighting it. When we finally decided to stop bullshitting, we uncovered the people we were meant to be with: each other. I no longer have to go to any parties that I didnt really want to go to in the first place. I no longer have to put on a show for "friends" that I didnt want to be around. I no longer have to engage in any type of social interaction with people that I simply do not like and I do not have to feel bad about it. I have no need to try and please everyone. I have a handful of friends, and some great new ones courtesy of my boyfriend. He has embraced my friends as well. I can actually, finally say that the people in my life are people I can rely on, turn to, and believe in for supoprt of my personal growth and the growth of my relationship. He and I have our private time, which is interesting considering we live together, but work and other things allow us to have space, which is important, because... I am a loner. I focus on my writing now more than ever. I do a lot of reading, especially the words of others. I see the same bullshit happening with the same people I pulled away from that happened with me years ago. I couldnt imagine what it would be like if everyone was up in the business of my relationship with my boyfriend. There was a time when everyone and their mama knew or claimed to know what I was doing, and that was my fault, for talking about things and sharing. I learned my lesson,and I hope other people learn as well. Unfortunately, I still know everything that is being said about me[yeah a damn shame i do], I am still aware that although I have pulled away, my presence [or lack of presence] is felt. I just hope, and this is going to sound weird, that people forget about me...

It is ok to keep to yourself. It is ok to have noting to do on the weekend. It is ok to have no one to hang out with. it is ok to want to stay home, put your feet up and watch Family Guy. I feel I reached the point at 26 that some people dont reach until their late 30s early 40s, or even later. I just got tired of it all. I said goodbye to all but a handful of grops. I tend to stay away from parties where there will be people I know dont like me. Why bother with it? Why would I voluntarily walk into a space where I know I will feel tension or be forced to smile when I dont want to, be forced to hug or talk to people I dont want to, be forced to look at people I dont want to look at? People still ask me "you going to this party?" or "you going on this trip?" or " why havent you been around?"

I say... I'm a loner. I dont put myself in places I dont want to be. I dont bother with nonsense. I no longer get caught up in "cliques", he said/she said, side-talking, who's fucking who, who doesnt like me, whatever. I dont need to use my blog,my emails, my im's to talk to or about people I interact with offline. That is gay. I'm done. My life is REAL. REAL happy, REALly moving forward, REALly fun, full of REAL love, a REAL future, REAL friends, REAL trust, and most of all, finally the REAL me.