Paving the Way
Danjaruz Demeanor:
Reflective
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"Let's make a toast to those who helped make this occasion. They turned their backs on love and that's what drove you straight to me" -Shalimar
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I have read a few blogs where people have made lists of past loves/romantic interests/bootycalls whatever, but I have avoided doing the same. Why? I believed they were worthless and not worth the energy.
I bought a new phone today and had to do some phone number transferring. As I thumbed through my phonebook, I noticed a lot of names of a lot of people that I would not be entering into my new phone. This got me to thinking about some men from my past, the girl/woman I was when I was with them, and how my interactions with them have helped me become the woman I am right now. they were not completely worthless, as it seems, but rather some of those necessary, character-building obstacles one must face..
So here are a few...in no particular order..ok maybe chronologically, but that is about it...
Man: The Abuser Age: 16-17, 19-20 This was my "first love". He was 24 when I first met him. I know, I know. Initially, I lied about my age, but when he found out how old I was, he should have walked away. He didn't. I would later come to understand that he was the type who needed to be in control, and he preyed on me because I was younger, vulnerable, and more susceptible to his controlling ways. I snuck away from school to see him, lied to my friends and family because of him, and did commited some acts that were against my personal values, to keep him happy. Eventually, we split, but later reconnected when I was 19. It was during this time that he became verbally and physically abusive. I was in college and hid it well. Eventually, it became too much to hide, and I made my way out of it. Took me 5 years to stop thinking about him at least once a day.
What I got from the experience: I learned that something in me could not leave an abusive man, something in me wanted to "help" him. This was my first experience with blaming myself for someone else's problems, or at least trying to absorb the bulk of their burdens. This taught me that I am not the strong woman that everyone thought I was, I was capable of weakness. I learned not to judge other women for the relationships they are in. I learned that everything is not alway what it seems. I learned that it is human to want to not be alone, and that more often than not, people settle for far less than perfection to be with someone.
Man: The Distant Lover Age: 21 I did love this guy. I don't know how, but I did. We began chatting online, then progressed to phone calls, to finally meeting. I should have known something would be amiss when the first time I met him, my visit coincided with the death of his grandmother. Met his entire family at the same time I met him. We were together for a while and he even asked me to marry him. I agreed. Made wedding plans and all. Then one day, he stood me up at the airport. We broke up. A few months later, on my 23rd birthday in fact, his girlfriend called me, having found my number among my things. Seems he met her a week after he started talking to me online, and had been maintaining two relationships. Even made wedding plans with her and gave her a ring, the same one he gave me. Sad thing is, I know she stayed with him after.
What I got from the experience: Though it would take a few more experiences to fully grasp this, I would learn that internet luvin' is for fools. lol. Seriously. One cannot play out one's relationship electronically; it simply cannot be done. I learned the error of speaking to other people about the private details of my relationship. I learned the problems that come when everyone has something to say about your relationship. I learned that long distance relationships arent for me. I learned how easy it is to be blinded by perception and ignorant of reality. I learned that although I'm insanely impulsive, jumping the gun might not be the right way to go every time.
Man: The Brooder Age: early twenties This was my first taste of what being in love, as an adult, was. I fancied myself in love with an impossible man. It was not a monogomous or committed relationship, rather a friendship that had romantic twinges. We shared some nice words and each other's bodies, but it was not meant to be.
What I got from the experience: One cannot be in love by one's self. To be in love, there must be at last two people involved. Despite his words, I came to understand that he could not possibly love me, as the part of him that needed to love me had to love him, and he had not gotten to that point yet. One should not have to "hide" one's relationship, and I learned that with this encounter. If ever a man or woman suggests that it is best to keep the "relationship" a secret, that should wave a red flag. I learned not to believe everything that a man says. While he might say he loves you, chances are, he doesnt mean it if he isnt acting on it, cuz love isnt just about the words, it is about the actions. He would need to show you that he does love you and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. It really is that simple. Oh, and I learned what it was like, for the first time, to have women dislike me, resent me, or "hate" on me because of my speculated involvement with him. Dame shame, lol, they still cant get him even with me "out of the picture". But I learned what competition was like, how far women will go to get a man's attention, and how it all really isn't worth it. I pledged to not mess with a man who was caught up in the circles I ran with.
Man: The Deacon Age: 24-25 This was doomed from the beginning. On our first date, my instinct told me to run, and run quick because this man was lame. Why did I stay? Because I felt I was wrong and "shallow". I felt that this guy was nice enough, showed me respect, and that I was judging him on his looks, the way he dressed [high waters, clothes always too tight], his personal hygiene [he rarely showered, rarely washed his own clothes, and his room (yeah he lived with his parents) looked like a tornado hit it], and his high pitched voice. My instinct told me that he was a homosexual, and I am still convinced that he is. Anyway, the first date, I thought to myself that he was not for me, but on my way home, I felt bad for being so distant with him. I'd been in and out of dealings with men, but the one guy who buys me flowers, takes me on a nice date, and is courteous, I'm ready to call it quits cuz being around him made me squirm. I didnt want to be seen with him and I made the evening uncomfortable. I wanted to give him another chance. That mistake would lead me to get into arguments with women I had never met, involved in the most horrific two-minute speedy sex sessions I had ever had, in 'battle' with a woman I would rather have never known, and completely jaded towards men. I got in very close with his family, reconnected with God, and spent a year of my life in a love-less, virtually sex-less relationship with someone I was willing to settle with because he offered "stability". He wanted me because I looked good on paper; I had everything that his parents would love in a woman, whereas the woman he was seeing would have never been accepted because he felt she had nothing real to offer. He would eventually go on to cheat on me with the woman he left to be with me lol.
What I got from the experience: What didn't I get? lol. I learned that a liar and a cheater can clothe himself in God's fabrics. I learned that settling is by far the worst thing anyone can do. I got a female stalker. I learned that although my life had been hard and that I was looking for someone or something different, I could not just give in to the first guy to come along and give me flowers. I learned what it felt like to be used. I learned how to perfectly pretend that everything was o.k. and that I was happy. I learned that one should not introduce one's significant other to one's close friends and family until one is positive that the s/o isnt a complete moron. I was able to reconnect with God though, which was amazing for me and has enriched my life so much since then. I became so jaded and I thought it was the end for me. This man said love comes from one's mind, and that it is something one creates. He lacked passion, he lacked emotion, and I honeslty believe is more attracted to men, but spends so much of his time talking against homosexuality and hiding in church because he is himself a homosexual.
There were other men, countless sexual encounters with random men, some whose names I forget, some I think I have forgotten on purpose. There have been times when I have been abused and used, but continued on. There are the times when I was scared that my luck had run out and times I felt that there was nothing I was good at, except laying on my back. I have learned that I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. I learned that one cannot give up completely on men just because there are a few...thousand assholes who cross your path. I have learned that no one is perfect, but that one need not settle for someone so far from perfection that his positive traits are unrecognizeable. There were times I was happy, times I was sad, times I was bitter, times I was all I had. From them all, I took something, even if it was a few dollars from his wallet...
Reflective
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"Let's make a toast to those who helped make this occasion. They turned their backs on love and that's what drove you straight to me" -Shalimar
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I have read a few blogs where people have made lists of past loves/romantic interests/bootycalls whatever, but I have avoided doing the same. Why? I believed they were worthless and not worth the energy.
I bought a new phone today and had to do some phone number transferring. As I thumbed through my phonebook, I noticed a lot of names of a lot of people that I would not be entering into my new phone. This got me to thinking about some men from my past, the girl/woman I was when I was with them, and how my interactions with them have helped me become the woman I am right now. they were not completely worthless, as it seems, but rather some of those necessary, character-building obstacles one must face..
So here are a few...in no particular order..ok maybe chronologically, but that is about it...
Man: The Abuser Age: 16-17, 19-20 This was my "first love". He was 24 when I first met him. I know, I know. Initially, I lied about my age, but when he found out how old I was, he should have walked away. He didn't. I would later come to understand that he was the type who needed to be in control, and he preyed on me because I was younger, vulnerable, and more susceptible to his controlling ways. I snuck away from school to see him, lied to my friends and family because of him, and did commited some acts that were against my personal values, to keep him happy. Eventually, we split, but later reconnected when I was 19. It was during this time that he became verbally and physically abusive. I was in college and hid it well. Eventually, it became too much to hide, and I made my way out of it. Took me 5 years to stop thinking about him at least once a day.
What I got from the experience: I learned that something in me could not leave an abusive man, something in me wanted to "help" him. This was my first experience with blaming myself for someone else's problems, or at least trying to absorb the bulk of their burdens. This taught me that I am not the strong woman that everyone thought I was, I was capable of weakness. I learned not to judge other women for the relationships they are in. I learned that everything is not alway what it seems. I learned that it is human to want to not be alone, and that more often than not, people settle for far less than perfection to be with someone.
Man: The Distant Lover Age: 21 I did love this guy. I don't know how, but I did. We began chatting online, then progressed to phone calls, to finally meeting. I should have known something would be amiss when the first time I met him, my visit coincided with the death of his grandmother. Met his entire family at the same time I met him. We were together for a while and he even asked me to marry him. I agreed. Made wedding plans and all. Then one day, he stood me up at the airport. We broke up. A few months later, on my 23rd birthday in fact, his girlfriend called me, having found my number among my things. Seems he met her a week after he started talking to me online, and had been maintaining two relationships. Even made wedding plans with her and gave her a ring, the same one he gave me. Sad thing is, I know she stayed with him after.
What I got from the experience: Though it would take a few more experiences to fully grasp this, I would learn that internet luvin' is for fools. lol. Seriously. One cannot play out one's relationship electronically; it simply cannot be done. I learned the error of speaking to other people about the private details of my relationship. I learned the problems that come when everyone has something to say about your relationship. I learned that long distance relationships arent for me. I learned how easy it is to be blinded by perception and ignorant of reality. I learned that although I'm insanely impulsive, jumping the gun might not be the right way to go every time.
Man: The Brooder Age: early twenties This was my first taste of what being in love, as an adult, was. I fancied myself in love with an impossible man. It was not a monogomous or committed relationship, rather a friendship that had romantic twinges. We shared some nice words and each other's bodies, but it was not meant to be.
What I got from the experience: One cannot be in love by one's self. To be in love, there must be at last two people involved. Despite his words, I came to understand that he could not possibly love me, as the part of him that needed to love me had to love him, and he had not gotten to that point yet. One should not have to "hide" one's relationship, and I learned that with this encounter. If ever a man or woman suggests that it is best to keep the "relationship" a secret, that should wave a red flag. I learned not to believe everything that a man says. While he might say he loves you, chances are, he doesnt mean it if he isnt acting on it, cuz love isnt just about the words, it is about the actions. He would need to show you that he does love you and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. It really is that simple. Oh, and I learned what it was like, for the first time, to have women dislike me, resent me, or "hate" on me because of my speculated involvement with him. Dame shame, lol, they still cant get him even with me "out of the picture". But I learned what competition was like, how far women will go to get a man's attention, and how it all really isn't worth it. I pledged to not mess with a man who was caught up in the circles I ran with.
Man: The Deacon Age: 24-25 This was doomed from the beginning. On our first date, my instinct told me to run, and run quick because this man was lame. Why did I stay? Because I felt I was wrong and "shallow". I felt that this guy was nice enough, showed me respect, and that I was judging him on his looks, the way he dressed [high waters, clothes always too tight], his personal hygiene [he rarely showered, rarely washed his own clothes, and his room (yeah he lived with his parents) looked like a tornado hit it], and his high pitched voice. My instinct told me that he was a homosexual, and I am still convinced that he is. Anyway, the first date, I thought to myself that he was not for me, but on my way home, I felt bad for being so distant with him. I'd been in and out of dealings with men, but the one guy who buys me flowers, takes me on a nice date, and is courteous, I'm ready to call it quits cuz being around him made me squirm. I didnt want to be seen with him and I made the evening uncomfortable. I wanted to give him another chance. That mistake would lead me to get into arguments with women I had never met, involved in the most horrific two-minute speedy sex sessions I had ever had, in 'battle' with a woman I would rather have never known, and completely jaded towards men. I got in very close with his family, reconnected with God, and spent a year of my life in a love-less, virtually sex-less relationship with someone I was willing to settle with because he offered "stability". He wanted me because I looked good on paper; I had everything that his parents would love in a woman, whereas the woman he was seeing would have never been accepted because he felt she had nothing real to offer. He would eventually go on to cheat on me with the woman he left to be with me lol.
What I got from the experience: What didn't I get? lol. I learned that a liar and a cheater can clothe himself in God's fabrics. I learned that settling is by far the worst thing anyone can do. I got a female stalker. I learned that although my life had been hard and that I was looking for someone or something different, I could not just give in to the first guy to come along and give me flowers. I learned what it felt like to be used. I learned how to perfectly pretend that everything was o.k. and that I was happy. I learned that one should not introduce one's significant other to one's close friends and family until one is positive that the s/o isnt a complete moron. I was able to reconnect with God though, which was amazing for me and has enriched my life so much since then. I became so jaded and I thought it was the end for me. This man said love comes from one's mind, and that it is something one creates. He lacked passion, he lacked emotion, and I honeslty believe is more attracted to men, but spends so much of his time talking against homosexuality and hiding in church because he is himself a homosexual.
There were other men, countless sexual encounters with random men, some whose names I forget, some I think I have forgotten on purpose. There have been times when I have been abused and used, but continued on. There are the times when I was scared that my luck had run out and times I felt that there was nothing I was good at, except laying on my back. I have learned that I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. I learned that one cannot give up completely on men just because there are a few...thousand assholes who cross your path. I have learned that no one is perfect, but that one need not settle for someone so far from perfection that his positive traits are unrecognizeable. There were times I was happy, times I was sad, times I was bitter, times I was all I had. From them all, I took something, even if it was a few dollars from his wallet...
posted by MBT4679 at 9/25/2005 11:54:00 AM
4 Comments:
Danja,
I don't think you realize that I read your blog often, cuz I usually don't post comments, but I have to..I must comment today.
This blog by far is the most outstanding! Not just because I think you are seasoned/ dynamic writer whose writing style proves a legend in the making but you have some pure, unadulterated way of putting your thoughts and feelings in print.
I really opened my mind and my heart to the lessons and encounters that you shared, I have been through almost all of them and never until now, today, thought how very much our experiences make and sometimes break us.
M. You are the shit and if all this shit is what makes us eventually become the shit, then Im for that shit. Thanx.
B.T.W. How come we don't talk at all since CHI? That's wack...lol.
Ur post is strange to me b.c I was thinking about this the other day. I was thinking of how I dont regret anything I went through b/c it now makes me stronger and able to c through the bullshit. What wont kill u will only make u stronger. I believe that.
SFC(Sexy Fat Chick)
but if they have been married for 7-10 years then they havent played their relationship out electronically
i met T via internet, but we took it offline a few days later and it has been that way ever since
im talking about people who live their romance on the computer and the world gets to watch the rise and fall of their relationship
feel me?
I like it. This entry definitely gives me more insight into your views now, although I already knew some of these.
Artist Formerly Known as Soulfularies
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