Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Part 1:
Even though I try, I can't let go
Something in your eyes captured my soul...
Part 2:
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine....
Part 3:
Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Sometimes, you just have to let go. This month, I have held in so many things that the other day, I burst.
There are those times in life that we all go through; the times when it seems that it is pouring rains of grief and strife. No end in sight. Day after day, more bad news. This has been one of those times in my life.
Rather than deal with each blow as it came, I ignored my issues and continued on in life, doing what everyone expects of me; I pretended to be strong. I held my head up and walked around like a trooper, believing that everything would pass in time. Indeed it all does, but that does not mean that I had no need to deal with things, let emotions out, and grieve. Ever attempting to present the face of a strong, independent, wonderful Black woman, I put on a happy face and kept moving.
Even the stoic squirm...
I broke. I reverted back to my high school and college days of escaping and avoiding my demons by drowning myself in the depths of cheap alcohol. See, back in the day, I had a problem with alcohol. I turned to it to comfort me. Southern Comfort is no joke. I once drank and entire bottle, blacking out, acting the fool, losing my mind. Then there was the time I was so drunk that I fell into the wall so hard that I left a hole in it. I also ripped the door off of my closet that night too. Alcohol did give me SOME type of strength. I woke up needing it to get out of bed and I could not sleep unless I had a shot of something hard or a glass of something soft.
Last night, I was in college again. I sat at the bar, ordered my drinks lined up, and with each glass, I silenced a demon. At least for a few hours. Not only did I make a complete ass of myself, I ended up having to face every demon, every issue all at one time. Completely overwhelmed and unable to handle it, I sought comfort from someone, someone I thought cared about me. Instead, I met a cold, hard wall. This is my life.
I do not have someone to tell me everything will be alright. I do not have someone to hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me that I am safe. I do not have anyone in whose neck I can bury my tear-stained face, as my shoulders shake from the force of the cry ripping through me. All I have is myself and my words. These days, I understand that alcohol isnt my friend, no is Alcohol a man in whom I can seek supoprt and solace. I know now that I only have ME and my WORDS. As long as I can get it out, I should be ok.
I am learning how to be honest with myself. I find that I am more honest with others than I am with myself. I hurt last night. After being turned away and rejected by someone very dear to me, I realized that I am not unbreakable. In fact, I am quite fragile. In some ways, I seek validation from other people whereas I tell people that is something they should never do.
I continue to care about people, with complete passion and intensity. I continue to empathize with them, through whatever is going on in their lives. I come to love the good that I see in people, even when they cannot see that good inside of themselves. I love the beauty that exists in everyone I come to know. I am drawn to this beauty. I guess in loving the beauty, I ignore the bad parts. I forget that people feel pain and hurt, and that people can inflict pain and cause hurt. I forget that I, too, can both feel and cause pain and hurt.
I hurt someone last night and in kind, I was hurt. It goes back and forth, I am understanding. With all pain, though, comes reprieve. So now that I got this off of my chest, I am going to retreat back to the warmth of my reprieve....
Danjaruz Haiku:
Pain is love is pain
I hurt you hurt me and we
Do it all again
Part 1:
Even though I try, I can't let go
Something in your eyes captured my soul...
Part 2:
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine....
Part 3:
Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Sometimes, you just have to let go. This month, I have held in so many things that the other day, I burst.
There are those times in life that we all go through; the times when it seems that it is pouring rains of grief and strife. No end in sight. Day after day, more bad news. This has been one of those times in my life.
Rather than deal with each blow as it came, I ignored my issues and continued on in life, doing what everyone expects of me; I pretended to be strong. I held my head up and walked around like a trooper, believing that everything would pass in time. Indeed it all does, but that does not mean that I had no need to deal with things, let emotions out, and grieve. Ever attempting to present the face of a strong, independent, wonderful Black woman, I put on a happy face and kept moving.
Even the stoic squirm...
I broke. I reverted back to my high school and college days of escaping and avoiding my demons by drowning myself in the depths of cheap alcohol. See, back in the day, I had a problem with alcohol. I turned to it to comfort me. Southern Comfort is no joke. I once drank and entire bottle, blacking out, acting the fool, losing my mind. Then there was the time I was so drunk that I fell into the wall so hard that I left a hole in it. I also ripped the door off of my closet that night too. Alcohol did give me SOME type of strength. I woke up needing it to get out of bed and I could not sleep unless I had a shot of something hard or a glass of something soft.
Last night, I was in college again. I sat at the bar, ordered my drinks lined up, and with each glass, I silenced a demon. At least for a few hours. Not only did I make a complete ass of myself, I ended up having to face every demon, every issue all at one time. Completely overwhelmed and unable to handle it, I sought comfort from someone, someone I thought cared about me. Instead, I met a cold, hard wall. This is my life.
I do not have someone to tell me everything will be alright. I do not have someone to hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me that I am safe. I do not have anyone in whose neck I can bury my tear-stained face, as my shoulders shake from the force of the cry ripping through me. All I have is myself and my words. These days, I understand that alcohol isnt my friend, no is Alcohol a man in whom I can seek supoprt and solace. I know now that I only have ME and my WORDS. As long as I can get it out, I should be ok.
I am learning how to be honest with myself. I find that I am more honest with others than I am with myself. I hurt last night. After being turned away and rejected by someone very dear to me, I realized that I am not unbreakable. In fact, I am quite fragile. In some ways, I seek validation from other people whereas I tell people that is something they should never do.
I continue to care about people, with complete passion and intensity. I continue to empathize with them, through whatever is going on in their lives. I come to love the good that I see in people, even when they cannot see that good inside of themselves. I love the beauty that exists in everyone I come to know. I am drawn to this beauty. I guess in loving the beauty, I ignore the bad parts. I forget that people feel pain and hurt, and that people can inflict pain and cause hurt. I forget that I, too, can both feel and cause pain and hurt.
I hurt someone last night and in kind, I was hurt. It goes back and forth, I am understanding. With all pain, though, comes reprieve. So now that I got this off of my chest, I am going to retreat back to the warmth of my reprieve....
Danjaruz Haiku:
Pain is love is pain
I hurt you hurt me and we
Do it all again
posted by MBT4679 at 11/28/2004 08:28:00 PM
1 Comments:
As long as you look for security outside of yourself, you'll never have it, for no individual can give it to you.
All you have is yourself and your words - there is nothing wrong with this.
You are wonderfully made and if all you have is you - you have a lot.
Trust that. Grow in that.
All the Power
All the Love
All that you are looking for is Inside of you
The Most High Put it there.
Post a Comment
<< Home