If Your Girl Only Knew

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If your girl only knew
That you was trying to get with me
(what would she do)
If your girl only knew
That you was dissin' her to talk to me

She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone
I bet she'd be glad that you was gone
And then she wouldn't have to worry

If your girl only knew
That I would want to kick it with you
(if she knew)
And if your girl could only see
How you be calling me, getting fresh with me

She's crazy to put up with you
Oh boy I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me
But it's dumb to put up with you
I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You know who you are...

Now that I am single again (and even when I was not single, but to a much lesser degree), I am getting a lot of male attention. This is wonderful of course because I am an admitted flirt and "boy crazy" for lack of a better phrase. However, there are TOO many single men out there for me to mess with brothers who are in relationship or who are married.

Does this mean these men will not come on to me? NO. HELL NO. What it means is that these are the men who come on to me even more than single men. Amazing. I could go into a long diatribe about what this says about people, the destruction of the family unit, loss of trust, etc etc etc, but in actuality, these cats are just FUCKAHS!!!

Yeah, I said it. And what???

Yes, I am beautiful inside and gorgeous outside. Yes, I am quite desireable given my credentials and my dedication to/love for the Black man. Yes, I can be loyal when loyalty is called for. I am always supportive. I am in a situation right now where I am trying to figure out this dating thing. I date different people in attempts to see who is out there doing what. Nothing wrong with that because each man I date knows that we are not in a committed relationship. In fact, it is the men who INSIST that they are not ready for relationships and simply want to keep things light and easy. OK. Im cool with that. I personally think Im beyond this whole "feelings" thing, but that is another blog in itself.

What I am NOT cool with is married men/involved men tempting me with themselves. I mean, I am working VERY hard at being a good single woman. I have no intention of becoming a homewrecker, no matter how tasty, fine, sexy, gorgeous, funny, smart a man is. If he cannot tell his partner that he spent time with me with a clear conscience, then we need not get involved.

If I am being honest, it isnt as easy as it seems. Men make it so easy to wanna kick it with them. They make things seem like they will not get attached, that it could be a nice, simple, one-time fling. They make it seem like everything is all good. You can always tell when a man has cheated on his wife/partner before. He is so very casual with it, in fact, he talks about her often and refers to her as wife or wifey or what have you. This man is establishing his priorities, and letting other women know, without a doubt, that they are just that: "Other Women". This is often to dissuade the mistress from getting too attached (but it will happend regardless of the barriers he puts up, if it is going to happen at all).

Back in the day, before I became the woman I am, I knowingly had an affair with a married man. (Damn this honesty shit!!) I thought it was only going to be a one time thing. He said he was very attracted to me and that his wife did not satisfy him mentally, sexually, or emotionally. He said he only married her because she'd gotten pregnant and his and her parents were old fashioned. See, I should have known something would be up when he said "emotionally". This was indicator number one that he was looking for something more than just a "good time". Well, long story short, it was a very dramatic situation, one that helped me grow up a lot. Yes, she found out. Yes, she was very hurt and I became every kind of bitch in the world. How did she find out? He served her divorce papers. He also declared love for me, but that is neither here nor there. He said that being with me gave him the courage to seek a divorce and remove himself from his marriage.

How the hell does good pussy give a man courage? Ok, maybe that was a bit crude, but come on. If you do not want to be married anymore, it does not take violating your wedding vows to serve as a catalyst, does it? Maybe, having never been married, I do not get "it". Maybe, in my being single, I see things a lot different than people "trapped" in marriages or relationships in which they do not wish to be. When kids are involved, I know it can be quite tricky. But either you are going to stick with it or you aren't. Pick one. Maybe I do not see the "grey area".

So Danja, what do you do when you are constantly approached by involved men? Even when you know you want to screw the living shit out of an attached man... (dammit, whew *breathe*)? I walk away. I avoid the situation. It is not worth the stress, especially because there are plenty of single men out there who can show me a good time. I'm enjoying this life. I have my eye (heart) on someone, but I fear he does not return the feelings. I'm actually almost ready to put the "feeling" stuff aside and just "do me" as the young folks say these days.

Seems like everyone is on the "imma do me" kick, why cant I be? My homegirl told me that I know I'm going to end up falling in love with this dude. She is probably right. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I have no apologies for that. It is ok to feel, it is ok to car, and it is ok to love. Honestly, I'm tired of being the one loving for the both of us *shrug*. If I cannot get a single man to make me a priority, I sure as hell do not need to look for that which I seek in the temporary arms of an attached man.

I still wanna wake up to someone. I still want to cook for someone. I still want to be thought about by someone. I want someone to miss me. Just not someone else's man. Gwen Guthrie and Shirley Murdock wrote songs about illicit affairs and loving another woman's man. Suffice it to say, not much good can come from that type of situation. I will pass on that. Can I have my own? The answer is NO over and over and over, so fuck it, whatever...

I spent my first weekend alone in a very long time, this weekend. I was bored out of my FREAKING MIND. For this ADD-ridden Aries, doing nothing is the worst thing, its mental suicide. But Im sticking it out, trying to prove a point. I do not NEED to be out with a man, laying next to a man, or be in the presence of a man. As much as I love men, I can do it!! I can fight it!! Only answered one call this weekend. That one is "special" so far. So good. We shall see. I'm still operating on the surface, havent even begun to dig deep with this one. Afraid to. Afraid of another woman in his face. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of trying again. Afraid of caring.

Im going to spend the holidays alone again this year. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Kwaanza, alone. "They" have children, family, friends, "friends". I dont get the invitations home. Before I know it, I will have my son/daughter. Then I will have someone to be with during the holidays. For now, fuck the holidays!!!