Lifted...
Danjaruz Demeanor:
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Come and go with me, there is so much more to see, get high with me, come fly with me...
ok so John sold 118,000 copies of his album!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Proud!! Everytime I hear someone talk about him, and how they love his music, I feel so much pride and so much...I cant even explain it. Im beaming, smiling, giggly, so happy. I knew this day would come!! I knew it from the beginning. I remember one time we were tlaking after a show and he was like "I can feel it, Michelle, things are starting to move for me, it is going to happen any day now". This was like the summer of 2002. And here we are, two-and-a-half years later, years of paying dues, performing at all types of venues, in front of all types of audiences, selling CDs for $8 and $10. Soliciting names for mailing lists, street teaming, email blasting, rallying folks to support... all of that work finally paid off. He has a major deal with Sony, although I think they are doing him dirty, especially by shifting his release date around and not doing enough promotions. Ok so im glad he is getting to play on shows solo, because before he was like Kanye's lackey. Now he is back on the same shows, performing solo, which is wonderful. But I wanna hear more spins on the radio, see more videos, see more visual promotion, I wanna see it all.
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
ok so anyway...
I wrote a 10-page letter and mailed it. With mailing that letter, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulder. I felt like I was finally able to put into words so many things that had been going through my mind. Not everything. not even 10%. But just a lot of pressing things that needed to be committed to paper. I am not as stressed as I was before. I am so focused right now, on what's important to me. And who is important to me. And in what capacity. Im finding that what looked a certain way through certain lenses, now looks drastically different, when the rose-colored glasses have been smashed. My glasses have been trampled on by the dramatically possessive feet of various people, and I can now see that which has been clearly right in front of me all of this time: the truth. And my, how refreshing is the truth? So much so that I had to write a letter about it.
I aint the one... tell me something I DONT know *rolling eyes*
I have to laugh out loud because I did it again. I allowed myself to give too much of myself. I said I wouldnt, but then again I said that AFTER I had already given too much. Ok, so maybe I can start from THIS point on. lol. Aahhh the rationalizations of mid-20s emotional crises.
I do not feel bad for my actions. I thought I would, but I do not. I mean shouldnt I though, If I am supposed to feel X way? I mean if X is true, shouldnt Y be true since Y is usually correlated somehow to X?
Why don't I feel that? What in me is cut off? Maybe because deep inside I feel that the feelings arent returned or that they are there but so distracted by cloudy individuals and past pain and hurt or that there isnt much of a chance of a future because of said troubles and interferences and insecurities? Maybe that is why I, in defense of what's left of my emotions, keep my distance and "do me"? Maybe I am afraid of rejection? *singing mary j* im afraid of rejection or another woman in your face... Maybe Im not so much afraid as I am wary of dramatic encounters? Lies? People from the past? People from the present? Not being a priority? Normally I would feel some type of "tug", like "damn, I cant do this anymore". And until recently, I was beginning to feel that. I was beginning to "trim the fat". But recent circumstances and situations have changed that for me. Ive been forced to reckon with the notion that by doing that, I am doing nothing to improve this situation. In fact, this "situation" is probably a figment of my imagination, who the fuck knows. Shit man, I could do so much more, show something so different. But how do you show something different to someone who doesnt want to see it? Someone too afraid to break out of the comfort zone. So frustrating when I wanna say, look no more, its ME! You have found ME!! But it would fall on deaf ears. Too many questions though, and too many times being unable to accurately explain what this "situation" is, for fear of backlash, drama, etc. I really need to just leave it alone, and I think... I think that is what I might do. Not because I want to, but maybe because I have to, for my own "emotional" security, and for his forward progress. Sometimes we make sacrifices for those we care about, those we love. Might not be the best option to suit our own desires, wants, needs, etc. but maybe the best for the overall picture. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I have to set a butterfly go. After I finish watching the catepillar change though. Gotta stick around for that.
But back to basics, I guess.
Im a great friend. I know I am because it is something I pride myself in being. But as I preach, so should I practice. I have been spending a lot of time telling someone that he needs to stop putting the drama of other folks' lives ahead of his own priorities, yet I put his drama ahead of my own priorities. Aah my wonderful hypocrisies. Such is life. But in the last 72 hours or so, I have come to realize that I can more effectively get that particular point across IF I lead by example. So it is time for me to redirect, get it together, and to use his word...focus.
And as I tell him that there are only two people important to in his world, I have to tell myself in my world, there is only one: Me. Easier said than done because in the last 6 years, I have done nothing but dedicate myself to others. So the words sound nice, but I need to set an example. Sometimes the best way to get someone to not focus on you is to push that person away. Maybe if you feel like you are a distraction, and you want that person to do so much more, but feel you might possibly be in the way, you push that person away, maybe even in mean, hurtful ways, for the greater good of the future.
I get it... I understand now...
God put me on this earth for a reason, and it certainly was not to run around emotionally chasing after the dream of love/attention/etc. Something in my broke not too long ago, and since then, I have felt the pieces chip away and dissolve. I almost feel like the inner cold is breaking through. While it initially scared me, I am almost embracing it. The cold is safe. Who would miss the warmth? No one, Im sure. But then again, if I think about it, I don't really care. Damn...I really...don't...care.
Maybe a small part of me will always hold an ember threatening to extinguish itself. That's the fire for you C.S., I miss you and love you, and you wont let me go completely cold, now would u?
A ha. Epiphany time...
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Come and go with me, there is so much more to see, get high with me, come fly with me...
ok so John sold 118,000 copies of his album!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Proud!! Everytime I hear someone talk about him, and how they love his music, I feel so much pride and so much...I cant even explain it. Im beaming, smiling, giggly, so happy. I knew this day would come!! I knew it from the beginning. I remember one time we were tlaking after a show and he was like "I can feel it, Michelle, things are starting to move for me, it is going to happen any day now". This was like the summer of 2002. And here we are, two-and-a-half years later, years of paying dues, performing at all types of venues, in front of all types of audiences, selling CDs for $8 and $10. Soliciting names for mailing lists, street teaming, email blasting, rallying folks to support... all of that work finally paid off. He has a major deal with Sony, although I think they are doing him dirty, especially by shifting his release date around and not doing enough promotions. Ok so im glad he is getting to play on shows solo, because before he was like Kanye's lackey. Now he is back on the same shows, performing solo, which is wonderful. But I wanna hear more spins on the radio, see more videos, see more visual promotion, I wanna see it all.
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
ok so anyway...
I wrote a 10-page letter and mailed it. With mailing that letter, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulder. I felt like I was finally able to put into words so many things that had been going through my mind. Not everything. not even 10%. But just a lot of pressing things that needed to be committed to paper. I am not as stressed as I was before. I am so focused right now, on what's important to me. And who is important to me. And in what capacity. Im finding that what looked a certain way through certain lenses, now looks drastically different, when the rose-colored glasses have been smashed. My glasses have been trampled on by the dramatically possessive feet of various people, and I can now see that which has been clearly right in front of me all of this time: the truth. And my, how refreshing is the truth? So much so that I had to write a letter about it.
I aint the one... tell me something I DONT know *rolling eyes*
I have to laugh out loud because I did it again. I allowed myself to give too much of myself. I said I wouldnt, but then again I said that AFTER I had already given too much. Ok, so maybe I can start from THIS point on. lol. Aahhh the rationalizations of mid-20s emotional crises.
I do not feel bad for my actions. I thought I would, but I do not. I mean shouldnt I though, If I am supposed to feel X way? I mean if X is true, shouldnt Y be true since Y is usually correlated somehow to X?
Why don't I feel that? What in me is cut off? Maybe because deep inside I feel that the feelings arent returned or that they are there but so distracted by cloudy individuals and past pain and hurt or that there isnt much of a chance of a future because of said troubles and interferences and insecurities? Maybe that is why I, in defense of what's left of my emotions, keep my distance and "do me"? Maybe I am afraid of rejection? *singing mary j* im afraid of rejection or another woman in your face... Maybe Im not so much afraid as I am wary of dramatic encounters? Lies? People from the past? People from the present? Not being a priority? Normally I would feel some type of "tug", like "damn, I cant do this anymore". And until recently, I was beginning to feel that. I was beginning to "trim the fat". But recent circumstances and situations have changed that for me. Ive been forced to reckon with the notion that by doing that, I am doing nothing to improve this situation. In fact, this "situation" is probably a figment of my imagination, who the fuck knows. Shit man, I could do so much more, show something so different. But how do you show something different to someone who doesnt want to see it? Someone too afraid to break out of the comfort zone. So frustrating when I wanna say, look no more, its ME! You have found ME!! But it would fall on deaf ears. Too many questions though, and too many times being unable to accurately explain what this "situation" is, for fear of backlash, drama, etc. I really need to just leave it alone, and I think... I think that is what I might do. Not because I want to, but maybe because I have to, for my own "emotional" security, and for his forward progress. Sometimes we make sacrifices for those we care about, those we love. Might not be the best option to suit our own desires, wants, needs, etc. but maybe the best for the overall picture. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I have to set a butterfly go. After I finish watching the catepillar change though. Gotta stick around for that.
But back to basics, I guess.
Im a great friend. I know I am because it is something I pride myself in being. But as I preach, so should I practice. I have been spending a lot of time telling someone that he needs to stop putting the drama of other folks' lives ahead of his own priorities, yet I put his drama ahead of my own priorities. Aah my wonderful hypocrisies. Such is life. But in the last 72 hours or so, I have come to realize that I can more effectively get that particular point across IF I lead by example. So it is time for me to redirect, get it together, and to use his word...focus.
And as I tell him that there are only two people important to in his world, I have to tell myself in my world, there is only one: Me. Easier said than done because in the last 6 years, I have done nothing but dedicate myself to others. So the words sound nice, but I need to set an example. Sometimes the best way to get someone to not focus on you is to push that person away. Maybe if you feel like you are a distraction, and you want that person to do so much more, but feel you might possibly be in the way, you push that person away, maybe even in mean, hurtful ways, for the greater good of the future.
I get it... I understand now...
God put me on this earth for a reason, and it certainly was not to run around emotionally chasing after the dream of love/attention/etc. Something in my broke not too long ago, and since then, I have felt the pieces chip away and dissolve. I almost feel like the inner cold is breaking through. While it initially scared me, I am almost embracing it. The cold is safe. Who would miss the warmth? No one, Im sure. But then again, if I think about it, I don't really care. Damn...I really...don't...care.
Maybe a small part of me will always hold an ember threatening to extinguish itself. That's the fire for you C.S., I miss you and love you, and you wont let me go completely cold, now would u?
A ha. Epiphany time...
posted by MBT4679 at 1/11/2005 11:34:00 PM
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