Beautiful Monday!!

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Then I look at you
And the world's alright with me
Just one look at you
And I know it's gonna be
A lovely day

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

So right it is Monday, and I'm feeling psyched up and bananas!! Don't ask me why but I'm feeling sooooo good right now. Maybe it is the fact that the sun is shining. Maybe the fact that I'm have a good hair day. Maybe its because I worked out this morning and my adrenaline is pumping out of control. Maybe its these grits and eggs I'm killing right now. Maybe it is because I am one day closer to my trip to the Chi (what up breezy, risi,kelz, golden, singing, brutha, etc) Maybe it is because for the last month, since I turned 26, I have had a different outlook on life. Things seem so much brighter. So much bullshit in lmy life has been cast aside.

I spent a great weekend with so many people I love and who love me and it was so wonderful. There were a few "interesting" moments, but above all, it was great. From then on, I decided that I am going to live my life to the fullest. I won't be concerned about what people say about me. My mom always told me that I shouldnt be concerned that people are talking about me, but rather, I should be concerned when people don't talk about me at all. Ok. Cool.

Spent a nice day with my mom yesterday. I try to spend mother's day with her every year now, as I get older. I realize she isnt getting any younger. With each year that passes, I am able to let go of a lot of resentment and anger. I had a dream two nights in a row last week, that my mother died. I dreamed about the details of her funeral and the whole nine yards. I told her about it. She asked, "Well, did I look good?" She took the words out of my mouth, cuz I was about to say right then, "But don't worry, you looked great."

I am my mother's daughter.

Lately, a lot of people have been telling me that I look just like my mother. When I was younger, I was my father's daughter. In my teen years, I looked exactly like both of them, and I was an equal composition of their personalities. As I get older, I find that I am becoming my mother. With the exception of the whole having a daughter at 23 and being a lesbian thing. Aside from that, the similarities are amazing.

I am my mother's daughter.

We look alike. I'm brown cuz my dad is so dark he rarely shows up in pictures. Really. When he pledged A Phi A, his line name was "Midnight". He has to smile to be seen, for real. I tend to go for tall, dark men, I guess, kinda like my dad. And you have seen the pics of my mom in my mother's day post. Light skin, blondish hair. But yeah, I look just like my mom, except my eyes are my dad's. My mom and I are built the same, we walk the same, we both talk with our hands, we have the SAME voice. When I've stayed with her and answered her phone or she has answered my phone, people cannot tell the difference between us. I've had dudes kick game to my moms because of this, yo. Not sexy.

I am my mother's daughter.

We both have masculine approaches to life, or so-called masculine approaches. We think logically, process things with keen analysis, and go with rationale before emotion. This is not natural for either of us, but because of life's circumstances, we have been forced to be this way. We are both fire signs with the natural inclination to charge ahead, but having had such fucked up experiences in life, we have learned to slow down, think things out, and act from the mind before the heart.

*ok I'm back, just got off the phone with my mom*

Neither of us likes to ask for things, but we like to give to others. She knows when I don't have money, I won't ask her for it, so she will go to the bank and make a deposit. Or she will ask me if I want to go food shopping, and if she notices I'm skimping on what I buy, she pretends to be shopping for herself, and puts things in the basket. Then when the bill comes up and I'm packing, she will slide her card through and buy my food. Before I began working at this place and receiving Metrocards, she would be like "oh look what I found, I don't need these anymore since I'm driving to work now" and she would give me new Metrocards so I could get back and forth to work. When my mom wasn't working, and her and her gorlfriend were struggling, she wouldn't take anything from me. So I'd go to her apartment and slide an envelope of money under the door. Or I'd cook and take food over to her house and leave it outside the door. I sometimes went online to pay her Cablevision bill, or I'd pay her AT&T bill so her cell phone would stay on. Neither of us will ask for any help, but we employ covert S.W.A.T. tactics to help others without being obvious. I guess we both want to give so much to others, having never really received much growing up.

I am my mother's daughter.

I have too many friends who spent yesterday thinking about mothers they no longer had in the flesh. Some people have been mad at me because of the relationship I have had with my mom. For those without mothers, I can definitely understand. But they don't know our story. They cannot understand how hard it is for me to be where I am in terms of thinking about her. I still have a long way to go. Yesterday, she began the "Grandma" talk again. She thinks she is getting old. My mom will be 50 in December, and yet she thinks she is old. She is pushing me to give her a grandbaby, and thinks I'm getting up in age cuz I'm 26 and she had me when she was 23. Four years from 30. No kids. lol. I only have ONE friend in her 20s who has kids and she was married young. I look at the ladies I went to school with, none of them have kids. We are chilling. I want kids, a lot of them. But I have to find the right man with whom I can splice genes. I tell mom to chill with the pressure. I will have kids when I am ready and when I find the right man.

I am my mother's daughter.
And I am sure I will have a daughter of my own, who will look just like me, my mother, and her mother.