Removing the mask
Danjaruz Depiction:
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Deep inside I wish that they could see, that I'm just plain ole...Michelle
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
What is it about being me that draws people to me? Why do people often want to be around me, underneath me, on top of me, in me, close to me, apart of my life, apart of the lies?
This extroverted personality of mine is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it allows me to be bold and go places and do/say things that many people only dream about in the secure darkness of their private thoughts. I am often unafraid to say what everyone else is thinking. I find that people identify with me because I utter those very thoughts they doubt themselves for even thinking. I appear fearless, or so I have been told.
It is a curse because there are times when I go too far, some say. While I may be unaware, there are people out there who, due to their sensitive natures and thin skin, cannot bear the brunt of my reality. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love to joke around and have fun. I call most of my closest female friends sluts, whores, hoebags, wenches, tricks, etc. It is affectionate of course, and always joking. I love crude jokes; I love that which is lewd. Nothing wrong with that. Hell, I have a decent porn stash.
What I have come to realize in my old age is that there are those to whom I cannot speak. I say this because in order to talk to these people, I have to change who I am. I would have to hold back, and essentially, be fake. For some reason, I have allowed myself to do that in the past, thinking that I need to spare their "feelings" or sensitivities. Well, no more of that. If I cannot be me and speak my mind around someone, I need not speak to him/her at all.
I have been who I am for years and years, and I am not altering who I am for the sake of a few sensitive, thin-skinned individuals. I have no time for the drama that comes along with it. Why is it that a handful of people can love and accept me as I am, yet others have a big issue? Most people would say "Well you should look at yourself and find out why so many people are put off by you or why you manage to piss so many people off". In fact, people have said that, and I HAVE done that.
Unfortunately, it simply does not work for me. People need to step up and act like adults. If you dont like me or what I have to say, that is completely ok. I do not like everyone or everything they say. So what? The days of fronting and skirting are done. I tried that for a few years and it has been tearing me up inside. I have been walking around presenting the face of someone I feel like I have been pressured to be. Why can I not just be ME? If there are people who accept it, then I am all good. It shows me that if they can accept me, others can, should the choose to and/or be able to.
I do not intentionally hurt people's feelings or try to be mean. That is not the issue at all. The issue is that I bite my tongue far more than I should, and I do it because I have been told it is the "right" thing to do. I can do that no more. The flip side of it also means that many people cannot handle the overwhelming positivity of what I have to offer. Due to the harsh natures of many people's lives, they simply cannot accept purity or genuine love and kindness. I know this because I am one of those people in many ways. What I offer is love, support, dedication, and friendship. Some people, unfortunately in this hard world, cannot accept that. Will I stop offering it? Naw. I thought I could, but I cannot. I gotta be me.
I am trimming the fat, so to speak. Ridding my life of those people who believe I should be someone other than who I am. I am ridding myself of those people who would dare make assumptions about my thoughts, my personality, or who would challenge my integrity and my conviction. I have allowed too many tangetial and extraneous people to enter my world. It was from a need to interact with others. I wanted to be around people, laugh, and have fun. I am also eliminating those people who continue to reject what positive things I offer them. I can only try so many times before I get the point: you dont want me around. I think I am going to be able to come to that conclusion a bit sooner now. My idea is "Your loss!!"
What I seek is far more deep than any club, party, or chit chatty conversation. What I seek is beyond the he said/she said. What I crave is far beyond the mundane. I find that I have allowed entirely too many...STUPID (for lack of a better word) people into my life. I say because I am used to being around the best of the best (private schooling will do that to you). I am used to be around people who do not misuse or misspell words. I am used to people who are not amazed or shocked by words with more than three syllables. I am used to being around people who are not lost on allusions or other references/citations I make to authors, historical events, concepts and theories, movements, etc. I am sick of being in the presence of people who only care about sex and alcohol. That isnt me. It has never been me. Why have I allowed myself to get involved? What have I been running from?
I am used to being around people who can have discussions about love, life, and possibilities in the most ethereal ways possible. Just sit and vibe on some stream of consciousness level, bouncing ideas off of each other, coming up with a myriad of possibilities. People who are not afraid of all that life has to offer. I want to be around people who seek to seize the moment and make it last for eternity. I want to be around people who support forward progress and are not stagnant.
I am henceforth going to be simply... ME. No more biting the tongue, nor more pretenses, no more holding back what I really want to express for fear of the response, reaction, or consequence. I am officially removing the MASK.
Danjaruz Classic Poem:
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
-Paul Laurence Dunbar
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Deep inside I wish that they could see, that I'm just plain ole...Michelle
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
What is it about being me that draws people to me? Why do people often want to be around me, underneath me, on top of me, in me, close to me, apart of my life, apart of the lies?
This extroverted personality of mine is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it allows me to be bold and go places and do/say things that many people only dream about in the secure darkness of their private thoughts. I am often unafraid to say what everyone else is thinking. I find that people identify with me because I utter those very thoughts they doubt themselves for even thinking. I appear fearless, or so I have been told.
It is a curse because there are times when I go too far, some say. While I may be unaware, there are people out there who, due to their sensitive natures and thin skin, cannot bear the brunt of my reality. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love to joke around and have fun. I call most of my closest female friends sluts, whores, hoebags, wenches, tricks, etc. It is affectionate of course, and always joking. I love crude jokes; I love that which is lewd. Nothing wrong with that. Hell, I have a decent porn stash.
What I have come to realize in my old age is that there are those to whom I cannot speak. I say this because in order to talk to these people, I have to change who I am. I would have to hold back, and essentially, be fake. For some reason, I have allowed myself to do that in the past, thinking that I need to spare their "feelings" or sensitivities. Well, no more of that. If I cannot be me and speak my mind around someone, I need not speak to him/her at all.
I have been who I am for years and years, and I am not altering who I am for the sake of a few sensitive, thin-skinned individuals. I have no time for the drama that comes along with it. Why is it that a handful of people can love and accept me as I am, yet others have a big issue? Most people would say "Well you should look at yourself and find out why so many people are put off by you or why you manage to piss so many people off". In fact, people have said that, and I HAVE done that.
Unfortunately, it simply does not work for me. People need to step up and act like adults. If you dont like me or what I have to say, that is completely ok. I do not like everyone or everything they say. So what? The days of fronting and skirting are done. I tried that for a few years and it has been tearing me up inside. I have been walking around presenting the face of someone I feel like I have been pressured to be. Why can I not just be ME? If there are people who accept it, then I am all good. It shows me that if they can accept me, others can, should the choose to and/or be able to.
I do not intentionally hurt people's feelings or try to be mean. That is not the issue at all. The issue is that I bite my tongue far more than I should, and I do it because I have been told it is the "right" thing to do. I can do that no more. The flip side of it also means that many people cannot handle the overwhelming positivity of what I have to offer. Due to the harsh natures of many people's lives, they simply cannot accept purity or genuine love and kindness. I know this because I am one of those people in many ways. What I offer is love, support, dedication, and friendship. Some people, unfortunately in this hard world, cannot accept that. Will I stop offering it? Naw. I thought I could, but I cannot. I gotta be me.
I am trimming the fat, so to speak. Ridding my life of those people who believe I should be someone other than who I am. I am ridding myself of those people who would dare make assumptions about my thoughts, my personality, or who would challenge my integrity and my conviction. I have allowed too many tangetial and extraneous people to enter my world. It was from a need to interact with others. I wanted to be around people, laugh, and have fun. I am also eliminating those people who continue to reject what positive things I offer them. I can only try so many times before I get the point: you dont want me around. I think I am going to be able to come to that conclusion a bit sooner now. My idea is "Your loss!!"
What I seek is far more deep than any club, party, or chit chatty conversation. What I seek is beyond the he said/she said. What I crave is far beyond the mundane. I find that I have allowed entirely too many...STUPID (for lack of a better word) people into my life. I say because I am used to being around the best of the best (private schooling will do that to you). I am used to be around people who do not misuse or misspell words. I am used to people who are not amazed or shocked by words with more than three syllables. I am used to being around people who are not lost on allusions or other references/citations I make to authors, historical events, concepts and theories, movements, etc. I am sick of being in the presence of people who only care about sex and alcohol. That isnt me. It has never been me. Why have I allowed myself to get involved? What have I been running from?
I am used to being around people who can have discussions about love, life, and possibilities in the most ethereal ways possible. Just sit and vibe on some stream of consciousness level, bouncing ideas off of each other, coming up with a myriad of possibilities. People who are not afraid of all that life has to offer. I want to be around people who seek to seize the moment and make it last for eternity. I want to be around people who support forward progress and are not stagnant.
I am henceforth going to be simply... ME. No more biting the tongue, nor more pretenses, no more holding back what I really want to express for fear of the response, reaction, or consequence. I am officially removing the MASK.
Danjaruz Classic Poem:
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
-Paul Laurence Dunbar
posted by MBT4679 at 12/20/2004 09:26:00 AM
2 Comments:
Life is indeed too short for the politicks and bullshit although the politicks and bullshit are sometimes necessary. It's a delicate balance that must be kept.
I just want to thank you for this post. I remember learning that poem in 6th grade for a Black history show that I was in. I also recited it @ my high school graduation because, I feel that we were wearing mask about how unprepared we were to deal with the next step. I still feel like I am wearing the mask. It is good to know that others do too.
Have a progressive day
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