Working on It

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If I had to do it all again
I wouldn’t take away the rain
Cuz I know it made me who I am
If I had to do it all again
I’ve learn so much from my mistakes
That’s how I know he is watching me

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Why do I expose yall to the shit that goes on in my life? I mean, I don't know 95% of the people who read this here blog, but then again, I didn't ask yall to read it lol. Im just venting, expressing, releasing, and growing. Yall are watching the progress.

See, I been burned. Burned. Scarred. Destroyed. Broken. By so many people, for the majority ot my life. I have abandonment issues. I have trust issues. I have love issues. I have man issues. I have "me" issues. But like someone said to me recently, "Who doesnt?" Another friend of mine said something to the effect of, "It is ok for people to bring baggage to a relationship, so long as you can carry your own, because I have my hands full of my own". Agreed. I think it is unrealistic to expect people will be baggage-less or issue-free, and if men judged me just because of my past, I'd REALLY be alone for the rest of my life.

I think the key is opening up, being real about your experiences, understanding that they made you who you were, and deal with it...

Or, going on a Dick-N-Dinner tour and saying "Fuck It, Imma do whatever I want to do, with whomever, forget the rest, I'm doing for self"

Unfortunately, I care too much. I'm working on that though. Nowadays, things just roll off my back. Things that should really hurt me, kinda just happen and I'm like "oh well". So I'm getting better at that pesky "care" thing.

Some of you know, I was once in an abusive relationship, as I have blogged about it. Some of you even know that recently, I got involved with someone who tried to take it there. And he did, but this time I bounced... kinda. I mean I havent seen him since, and I have no intention of it, but I cannot say that I havent had communication with him since then.

Just a peek:

**** (12:03:09 AM): happy belated birthday .
**** (12:03:33 AM): michelle cmere give me hug
danjaruznegress (12:03:40 AM): naw im good
**** (12:03:44 AM): hmph
**** (12:03:52 AM): so what did u do to celebrate?
danjaruznegress (12:04:00 AM): a lot
danjaruznegress (12:04:02 AM): check the blog
**** (12:04:23 AM): damn when u get cold u get cold for real
**** (12:05:23 AM): still single or u seeing someone?
danjaruznegress (12:05:35 AM): eternally single
**** (12:05:48 AM): i doubt that shyt
danjaruznegress (12:05:53 AM): then why bother asking
**** (12:06:19 AM): dont get smart wit me
danjaruznegress (12:07:37 AM): whateva
**** (12:08:28 AM): if my azz wasnt tired id drive up there right now
danjaruznegress (12:08:36 AM): and do what?
**** (12:09:08 AM): have u feed me grapes and rub me down
danjaruznegress (12:09:22 AM): that is with the assumption id let u in
**** (12:09:43 AM): yeah u right about that
**** (12:09:50 AM): hopefully u would though
danjaruznegress (12:10:17 AM):
**** (12:10:35 AM): Hmmm well maybe u wouldnt
**** (12:10:50 AM): i cant blame u
danjaruznegress (12:10:55 AM): goo
danjaruznegress (12:10:56 AM): d
**** (12:12:24 AM): u went to the ***** party a few weeks ago and the ****** trip?
danjaruznegress (12:12:33 AM): no
**** (12:12:48 AM): been playing the crib lately?
danjaruznegress (12:12:58 AM): yup
**** (12:13:10 AM): what did u cook tonite?
danjaruznegress (12:13:15 AM): nothing
**** (12:13:29 AM): what did u eat?
danjaruznegress (12:13:39 AM): food at the knicks game, had sky bo tix
**** (12:14:04 AM): up in the sky box huh ..who u went there wit?
danjaruznegress (12:14:10 AM): *blank stare*
**** (12:14:16 AM): matter of fact i dont wanna know
danjaruznegress (12:14:32 AM): good
**** (12:16:48 AM): michelle i miss u and im gonna leave it at that
danjaruznegress (12:16:52 AM): ok
**** (12:17:21 AM): cold azz bitch
**** (12:18:38 AM): (emoticon)
danjaruznegress (12:19:33 AM): yeah ok
danjaruznegress (12:19:35 AM): u done?
**** (12:19:50 AM): nope i doubt ill ever be done
**** (12:19:53 AM): wit u
danjaruznegress (12:20:00 AM): should have thought of that when u slapped me
**** (12:20:52 AM): didnt i apologize for that
danjaruznegress (12:21:04 AM): yeah and my first love apologized too
danjaruznegress (12:21:06 AM): a lot of times
danjaruznegress (12:21:13 AM): after he pinched off my skin
danjaruznegress (12:21:18 AM): after he busted my lip
danjaruznegress (12:21:25 AM): after he mushed my face into a rug
danjaruznegress (12:21:41 AM): after he made me have sex with him when i didnt want to
danjaruznegress (12:21:57 AM): u apologize but then call me a bitch
danjaruznegress (12:21:58 AM): yea
danjaruznegress (12:21:59 AM): ok
danjaruznegress (12:22:07 AM): you have a good evening ******
**** (12:22:50 AM): u still my baby
danjaruznegress (12:23:01 AM): no im not
**** (12:23:02 AM): i dont give a fuck ..u still my baby
danjaruznegress (12:23:39 AM): whatever
**** (12:24:12 AM): yes u are deny it all u want we have a connection regardless
danjaruznegress (12:25:48 AM): goodbye ******
**** (12:27:47 AM): never goodbye always ill see u later
danjaruznegress (12:29:11 AM): no u wont
**** (12:29:22 AM): its like that michelle
danjaruznegress (12:29:35 AM): u made it that way
**** (12:29:35 AM): u sure u wanna do it like that?
danjaruznegress (12:29:52 AM): yup
**** (12:30:46 AM): ok..ill respect ya wishes
danjaruznegress (12:30:52 AM): finally
**** (12:31:12 AM): i hope u change ya mind though ..ill fall back.... u be good
danjaruznegress (12:31:32 AM): cya
danjaruznegress (12:31:40 AM): naw
danjaruznegress (12:32:06 AM): i wont cya

I'm working on things. I know that in order to begin and expect to move forward in any relationship, I have to get better at understanding, loving, and respecting myself. Yes, I can make people laugh, and yes I cna be pretty entertaining. But I know that I do a lot of this to keep people at arm's length. *Danja gets sensative* I want a lot out of life. I want to travel, see the world, join the Peace Corps, be an Ambassador of Peace or Goodwill or whatever, be a mother, and even possibly be a wife. I still get skittish when I mention "wife", which is why I usually only focus on the mother thing. I hate that I have this fear inside of me. But it's like, how many time do I have to touch a fire before I realize that I will STILL get burned the next time. I am trying to not have a defeatist attitude, and I try to approach every new stage in life with new and clear optimism, but it is always easier said than done.

I'll be aight I guess. Summertime is here. I'm bout to get heavy back into working out. I'm doing some traveling this summer (Chicago will NEVER be the same LOL). I'm still tossing up the Graduate School idea. A friend asked me today about it and I had to admit that it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. I don't know what to do next actually. *end sensativity*

I need to not be sitting at home bored and blogging though. Y'all getting too much Danja.

Peace,
D


Danjaruz Haiku:
Piece by piece I build
My life is but a puzzle
Coming together