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Danjaruz Demeanor:

Gazing at the stars circling my head...


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype
We'll tiptoe to the sun
And do thangs I know you like
I think I'm in love...again


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You ever get the feeling that this is "IT"?

"I never thought that love would ever happen to me. Only in my imagination, my fantasies..."

I have not written about a very important part of my life, I believe, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. A victim of multiple heartaches, disappointments, and bad "relationships", I'd all but given up on the possibility of finding someone for whom I could truly care about, and to whom I would be willing and able to give 100% of myself. Fear is a powerful force, and this force consumed my existence.

"Want to get a little closer but I promised myself that I would never give my heart away again."

I have been involved in SO many situations. Everything from the unrequited "love", being cheated on, being physically and emotionally abused, "I can't give you what you need" but I'll keep fucking you, "I cant be in a relationship right now" but we can carry on like we are in one (dating, sexing, meeting family and friends), "Im not ready for a relationship right now" but I want to see you in private and have sex, but in public not acknowledge you as anything more than a friend, the men who don't want me but want no one else to have me so they played the emotional roller coaster shit anytime it seemed like someone else was into me, you name it, I've experienced it. Each one took a lot out of me, but each one taught me at least one valuable lesson. I came to realize that I am a very giving person, often giving too much of myself to people who don't even come close to deserving ANY of me. I always seek the good in people and focus on that, even at the sacrifice of myself. This has led to my being hurt repeatedly by people, situations, and my own inability to protect myself.

"I've been there so many times, I should know better but I can't stop what I feel when you're next to me."

What made me think this new situation was going to be different? I didn't "think" anything. I "KNEW" it was. And it is. See, I came to understand the power of God in the last year or so. I was in a relationship, my first "real" relationship (meaning the man acknowledged me in public as his girlfriend, made a committment to me, took me out, talked about the future, met each other's family and friends, etc). Halfway into this relationship, this man cheated on me with a woman he'd been seeing before me. This was especially hard for me because I put a lot of faith into him. I think I had more faith in him than I had love for him. He was "stable" or appeared to be: church deacon, steady employment, no kids, never been married, big plans for the future. Since I'd given up on ever experiencing true love, I resigned myself to settling down with whatever man could provide a stable future. That was the worst mistake I made.

"Can you...feel a... brand new dayyyyy"

Fast forward to April 6, 2005. My 26th birthday. A day that will forever be emblazened in my mind. I spent a quarter of a century experiencing more of the bad aspects of life than the good. I'd begun to think that God had planned for me to suffer. I don't know what I did, but I figured it must have been bad to be punished this way. When I woke up that morning, I had an epiphany. I knew that my life was going to be different from that day forward. I decided that I would get on track with achieving the goals I set for myself. I decided that I would no longer allow myself to give more than was deserved. I decided that I am a beautiful woman who deserves the best out of life and no one was going to pull me down. The day seemed so bright. I got the phone calls, the Happy Birthday songs, the love from those close to me.

Then I received an email. I get a lot of emails from men (because of the work I do, people have access to my yahoo profile and email address) that I usually delete because they are the usual corny b.s. about how "fine" I am or full of slang and misspelled words, etc. This one was different for some reason.

Hello allow me to introduce myself:
My name is __________, I'm a __ year old tall blk man
living in Harlemworld. I saw your profile in the _______
group and I would have to say I was impressed. Now I
can't say too much about your personality (which I'm
sure is just as beautiful as the package it comes in)
but I'd like to get to know you. A smile like yours is
very hard to resist, what can I say?
---_________

"we don't represent the streets, we represent the
folks in 'em"

Ok, yeah I know y'all are thinking..."what's so special about that?" What caught me was the quotation at the bottom of the email AND the fact that he was honest about what his attraction was to me. Too often, men say things like "you look sweet" or "you look like an intelligent woman". I'm like huh?? Whatever. I hate when folks make assumptions about my personality based on my looks. Anyway, something told me to respond to this email, which is SO not my Danja style lol. Especially since his screenname is one that I would consider deplorable. New day, New year, New approach to people. I replied. And so began the rest of my life...

"I remember the very first day that I saw him, I found myself immediately intrigued by him. Its almost like I knew this man from another life, like maybe back when I was his husband and he was my wife"

I do not think it is possible to have any more in common with someone than the things I have in common with him. What we realized from the jump was that we have the most minute things in common, things that we are like "I didn't think anyone else was into this like me". He is a true musical being, like me. We both know that if we were trapped on a deserted island and had to have an essential item, aside from each other, it would be music. If we could only do one thing for 18 hours each day, it would be listen to music. I decided after my ex that I couldn't compromise on this characteristic in a man. We have the same movies memorized, in fact, we pretty much love all of the same movies. We have the same favorite musical artists in common. We are both writers, thespians, and performers. He went to the school I rejected (lol) and we get into college battles. [This is key because I usually date men who didn't go to college and end up battling resentment or other issues. It is nice to find someone who can relate to the "college experience" as it was a MAJOR part of my life]. We were both so scared and scarred from previous relationships, that we could understand each other's reservations. Our first few dates involved us chilling in the park, listening to music, doing old school dances, talking about each others families, talking about our goals and dreams. He wants to start his own school, I want to be a school teacher. We both work in careers dealing with the HIV/AIDS population and we are passionate about our work. We are both code-switchers, meaning we can walk into any environment, boardroom or block party, and fit in. We both have the same views on sex and sexuality, the expression of it, and other interesting nuances. [I'm sure you all know im a perv by now lol]. We are both fire signs, so we are both overly passionate about everything. When we talk, we finish each others sentences, but we have strong opinions that we don't back down from. We have had disagreements, yes. Like he says Q-Tip is the better MC when I think Phife is. [Yeah, I know... he is BUGGING LOL] When we disagree for a prolonged period of time (more than 30 seconds), it's like "ok Phife" or "ok Q-Tip" and we move on. What is most important is that we both have been through very similar life experiences, have learned the same lessons, and want to apply all we have learned when dealing with "The One". Allow me to introduce you to my Neo...

"Then I look into your eyes, then I realize that all I need is you in my life...cuz I've never felt this way about loving...never felt so good, baby"

Certain. That is the word he used to describe how he felt about me. He said he felt certain that this was meant to be. I had to admit that I felt the same way. See, what I have come to realize is this: I needed all of that SHIT to happen to me to prepare me for him. Had I not experienced the ups, downs, and to-the-ground lows that I have experienced with men, I would not have seen this beautiful man for who he is. Had I not known what it was like to have my feelings crushed and trampled on like a piece of useless trash, had I not known what it was like to sacrifice in the name of caring for someone, had I not know what it was like to be mistreated, I would have never learned what I would and would NOT accept from a man. Even more proactively, what I would require in a man. Most men provided maybe 6 or 7 out of 10 of the things I wanted in a man. He meets 11 of those 10 requirements.

"So if no one wants to believe that what we share was meant to be, then it will be just you and me against the world. And if our friends and family cant bear to see us both happy, then it will be just you and me against the world"

We dealt with the fear or rushing into yet another situation that could blow up in our faces. We dealt with the fear of abandonment. We dealt with the fear of not being ready. We dealt with the fear of what other people would say or think. We dealt with all of these things and moved past them to be where we are right now. We agreed to focus on us, on what WE want and need. Sure, we talk to our friends, but in the end, they aren't in our relationship, WE are. We listen to each other, communicate with each other, respect each other, trust each other, and need each other. Even as I write this I am feeling the longing of his knee rubbing against mine when we sit on his couch, while he downloads music and I flip through the channels on the television. The best thing about this is that people see the change in us. They see the happiness we bring to each other's lives. This is not to say I have not encountered some shade or disbelief or folks trying to test me. That is to be expected. But see, this shit right here, is for real. Excuse my language, but that is how passionately I feel. The beautiful thing is that he feels the SAME way. He is proud to walk with me, introduce me to people close to him. He does all of the things for me that I've always dreamed a man would. He is considerate, thoughtful, and as he said, he wants to give me the world.

"I will give you my all, and I will always be true to you, and I would love you forever..."

I want to give him all of me. This is "it". Mark my words folks. You ever just know something? I mean not only know it, but feel it, understand it, experience it, know it to be right and true? I don't feel any doubts. I don't feel like I'm convincing myself to care for him. I don't feel like I have to compromise any part of me. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I don't have to hide the way I feel or my interactions with him. [sidebar: this cat that likes me saw us on 125th street kissing and he hit me up to mention it, sounding hella salty LOL. oh well]. You can ask 3 of my closest friends how close I was to running away from this cat. Each one of them was like NO, stick it out Michelle. I was so scared. It seemed too good to be true. But what is it about us that we see things that are really good as being bad, because they can't be real? Why CAN'T we have everything we have ever wanted in someone? Why can't we allow ourselves to experience true happiness? Why can't we give into what could be the best things to ever happen to us?

Fear doesn't own me anymore. He has possessed my heart and soul and mind and body and I am his. He is mine, and he has given himself willingly. I submit to his glorious strength as MY man. I submit to being his supportive, loving woman.


I let the world know.
Yin and Yang.
You and Me.
Love you.
Forever.


Danjaruz Dedication:
My Truth

You have spoken truth
Your heart whispered to mine
“I swear to love, completely love you”
My truth would now be empty without mentioning your name
You are it, you are here
And I am blessed
My needs were not needs until I needed you
My desires were not desires until I began to desire you
My body was cold until you touched it
My spirit bore an open wound;
Your love healed it
My precious, beautiful love
Adoration I express
As I kneel before you, my king
You are it, you are here
I swear, I will completely love you
The longing to touch you
When you are not here
Consumes, distracts my most focused intentions
I lose all sensibilities and I reach out for you
Reaching not far because
You are here, you are it
You are now… my truth
Your heart whispered to mine
“I will protect you, I completely love you”
My life would now be empty without seeing your face
Hearing your voice
Touching your soul
My fantasies were no more than dreams until you came into my reality
My love was not love until I loved you
I submit to you; I submit to the call of
Your heart, which whispered to me
“I am yours”
And I knew then
I would love you forever….