I Shit You Not

This was my horoscope for today:

"Daily extended (by Astrology.com)

It's not that you live for conflict, competition and aggression -- not at all. It's just that you happen to be, well, an adrenaline junkie. You live for it, love it and do whatever it takes to raise your blood pressure. Don't even bother denying it. You know it, and anyone who knows and loves you knows it, too. In fact (and don't ever, ever admit to them that you know) it's a big part of the reason they love you: because you're never, ever boring -- not by any stretch of the imagination."

This is what I wrote the other day, about myself:

"Anyway.  I'm a problem, most of the time, and in my ever-maturing infinite wisdom [did that make sense?...*thinking*  NOPE], I am learning that I provoke people on purpose.  Prepare for moment of self-actualization here. I push buttons intentionally to get a rise out of people, or as I see it, to get the most out of them.  I like when people begin to feel passionate emotions, be it anger, frustration, extreme happiness, determination, or any other emotion that evokes passion.  I love to see this, I love to watch this.  Don't ask why, but I thrive on it.  The problem comes when people don't know that I am not always doing this to be negative, but simply to fill some twisted void in my world. lol.  *Yeah sometimes I love pissing people off*. I love to feel my own blood pumping, my pressure rising, my eyebrows furrowing, and lips sneering, and every other physical manifestion of the ever-present "YOU DUMB FUCK!!!!" sensation, and I push buttons to challenge others to get to that phase.  Can't help it."

Next Topic:

I saw this on my co-worker Andre's blog.  I want to comment on these things and how they relate to Black folks today, as I see it. My comments in BOLD.

Black Power/Buy Nothing 'til Jan 2006

BLACK AMERICA'S

NO SPEND ZONE:

THE BLACK POWER OUTAGE

"Our Power is One Power."

Nov. 1, 2005 - Jan. 1, 2006



They left us without for 5 days? Let's leave them without for 2 months. They portray us as looters? Let's refrain from purchasing their goods. Unfortunately, as much as people resent being left stranded without food and water for several days, they are VERY happy to be able to drink and eat NOW.  Telling people who have experience near-starvation to NOT buy products and goods, is a bit much.





Afromerica, readers, affiliates and millions of Black American's will conduct a show of Black Power beginning the month of November throughout to January 1, 2006. We are going to redirect our dollars away from mainstream retail holiday businesses - which are currently planning the future of our dollars for us for the paganist holiday season. While I agree that the holiday season has gone commercially out of control, and I have my own issues with the general population's obsession with holiday shopping, I know that NEGROES are not going to refrain from buying each other things.  Why?  Because Kwanzaa, a holiday that emphasizes exchanging  hand-made gifts, is still generally unaccepted by Black Folks in this country.  If they can't even support a holiday created FOR US, that includes exchanging hand-made, unbought gifts, how are they going to draw themselves from their need to BUY gifts for Christmas?



We are not asking that you refrain from purchasing goods and services for one (1) day, which they can't black folks to do in general we are asking you refrain for two (2) months, from Nov 1 - Jan 1. The results of this effort will prove more than a one (1) day boycott, this isnt 1955 and unfortunately, Black folks dont see the need for boycotts and protests; they think everything is all good but will show nearly a quarters worth of income adjustment or loss for many businesses as a result of losing Black-spending power.very good idea, won't work though.



We are contacting many major Black businesses, media, movements and websites to ask for support and national promotion. This is the time to TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.



The following business types and services will become part of THE NO SPEND ZONE:





1. All companies tied into slave labor, prison labor, and exploitation of minority peoples, such as NIKE, HILFIGER, DELL, others: (if anyone has a list of companies, please submit them to us via email.) Black people not buying NIKE??? Are these fools crazy?? They might as well ask black folks to stop eating Chicken Wings.  We don't seem to care that most diamonds are conflict diamonds, obtained in some of the most horrendous conditions that involve OUR OWN people, and we wear them anyway like a badge of honor.  How do we expect Black folks to stop buying products made in Asian sweatshops?  We care less about exploited Asians than we do about exploited Africans.  Come on NOW!!

2. No Electronics (TVs, cell-phones, stereos, all foreign exploitation) No cellphone purchases?  Does this mean no pre-paid service either? Cuz you know coloreds and their bad credit rely on prepaid cell phones.  No TVs? No DVD players?  NO video game consoles?  They arent leaving very many Christmas gift options for their bad ass kids are they???

3. No Automobiles or SUVs (keep your car serviced until 2006)  Keeping a nigger from buying a car is like keeping a starving Ethiopian from a Ritz Cracker.  Maybe they can hold off until January, unless, of course, they have the all-important task of flossin' at the annual Holiday gathering with a new ride.  Gotta show up RayRay somehow!

4. No Designer Clothes (other than Black owned) Now they done went hysterically insane.  They want BLack people...in America... to NOT buy designer clothing that isnt black owned??? There are so FEW Black-owned designer making affordable clothing, or even reasonably priced clothing in the first place.  One of the biggest gifts to get someone, especially young folks, is clothing.  Young people crave designer clothing because of material whores like Jay-Z and Lil Kim, so how do we expect to convince parents to not buy these articles of clothing?  They did nothing to rear their kids into rejecting materialism, so it would be a bit late to try and make up for it now.  And then, they would only piss off their children and further alienate them.  BLACK PEOPLE NOT BUYING DESIGNER CLTOTHING???  Man, we go to work everyday JUST to buy designer clothing.  We spend twice our income on apparel alone...yes, black folks spend that much fucking money on expensive designer clothing.  You think theya re going to listen to some preaching fool talking about "don't buy it"...Right....

5. No Beauty Cosmetics (you are already beautiful) The problem with this is that the reasoning behind it is inconsistant with the premise of the protest.  It isnt about what looks good or what have you, it about keeping black dollars out of mainstream markets.  There are make-up lines that are black-owned/operated and/or specifically for black women.  Should we not support them either?  And why is it for these 2 months that we shouldnt buy the products?  Shouldnt this be a year-round cause?

6. No Liquor, beer, wine (We know this will be hard for most and it takes discipline, but at least cut down) How are you going to compromise on this?  cut down?? This alone ruins this whole things for me.  If you are going to tell people to NOT do something, be consistant about it. DOn't say, well you can drink, just don't drink so much.  Boycotting isnt about just getting a lil, it is about NOT DOING IT AT ALL.  THe Montgomery bus boycott didn't say, only take the bus once a week, it said don't ride the bus AT ALL.  And they chose to compromise on Liquor?? How fucking hypocritical is that??

7. No New Appliances (unless yours quit)  Now it is about getting stuff if other stuff d0esnt work?  No, again, boycotting is about sacrifice for the greater good, teaching a lesson, making a point... how do you make a point if you continue to patronize these businesses.  This should not have a parenthetical "unless yours quit" attached.

8. No restaurant meals (still remember how to cook? Save money)  And this includes Black Owned/operated restaurants too?  They didnt differentiate.  Iagree that people need to cook at home more, it is healthier and more financially responsible, but to blanket all restaurants isnt good. There are a lot of Black business owners who would suffer immensely from this.

9. No Furniture (that should be easy) See my about comments about black owned/operated businesses.

10. No Vacations (except to go see family members) Guess I need to cancel that trip to Ghana....  what do vacations have to do with anything?  Do they mean don't support exploitative resorts and hotels?  Do they mean "Don't go to a resort hotel in Montego Bay when down the street their are riots and turmoil ripping through the streets of Jamaican Cities"??

11. No Movies, CDs (except of Black origin)... The same companies that manufacture mainstream movies and music manufacture Black movies and music.  In fact, White people consume our entertainment more than we do.  We Bootleg shit too much.  Are they suggesting with take money out of the bootlegger's family's mouths?  They are saying it is ok to give our money to 50 cent and other entertainers who set Black folks back 50-100 years, but it isnt good to buy a CD of Christmas Carols?

12. No Toys (please do not spoil your children) See my above comment about reasoning.  This isnt about spoiling children...when did buying your kids toys become spoiling them??  They should say don't buy Toys from such and such company because this company exploits Africans or uses Asian sweatshops... not "dont buy toys cuz they spoil ya kids"... That's gay.

13. No House wares (unless something falls apart)  See answer about appliances

14. No Gifts (show love by your words and actions) I agree with showing love in actions and words, but they shouldnt say NO gifts, they should focus in on the type of gift.  Nothing wrong with Handmade gifts, or gifts of money to people you know and care about.

15. No Entertainment or Sporting Events (plays, movies, basketball (unless you got season tickets) You are telling coloreds to not go to concerts and not go to basketball games?? Telling black men not to order NBA ticket??  Telling black folks to NOT go to the movies, when going to the movies is one of the few things that some families can afford and find time to do together??  I understand telling folks to support Black movies, but they don't even allow for that.  This is bananas...

 

I find protests like these problematic because the efforts and ideas do not reach even a significant amount of people to make any of this effective.  There have been so many Black Out dates, Black Tuesdays, etc that have given people the opportunity to show purchasing power solidarity, but we do nothing with it.  WE are an assimilated people.  We buy into the materialism that drives this country.  We work FOR them and then return our money TO them.  It is the Black American way.

 

Protests like these would only work if folks felt they had a real reason to protest.  Maybe if someone important died.  Maybe if someone other than Louis "Ultraperm" Farakkhan spoke up about things.  Maybe if Black folks werent so ignorant to the power they would have if they came together.  Maybe if we didn't love having nice things so much.  Maybe if we didnt feel the need to spend every dollar that we earn.  Maybe if we didnt feel the need to impress the next person, or keep up with the (Kimberly) Joneses of the world.

 

Black folks have no motivation to protest.  Their mamas could be in jail  and they would come to visiting hours wearing the latest Gucci or Prada or Nike gear.  They don't see the importance of preserving black dollars, and why should they?  They have no real example to follow.  Everything is bling-bling, flash-flash. 

 

Nice try...

Bitches & Hoes, Hoes & Bitches, and Niggers too

What's in a name?

If I call someone a stank hoe bitch, what does that mean? I mean, really though...

Like if I called your woman a stank hoe bitch, would you be mad?  Ok, would you be mad if she was one of my best friends?

I realize that I use these and other eloquent epithets to describe people that I both care about and could care less about.  So what is the difference between the old, lonely bitch at the club and old, lonely bitch who I want in my wedding party?  Iono, man, that's why I'm asking y'all. LOL

See I talk a lot about the horrors of the dreaded "N" word. I've gotten to the point [dayum I'm getting old] when I feel that the world knows how I feel about it, and thus, if I use it occasionally, they hear me, but know that I am strongly against it.  Make sense?  Buy it?  Yeah, I didnt think so.

So ok, I recently had a post about "Niggerisms", and in said post, I detailed some things that I found to be quite "Niggerish" behavior.  By Niggerish, of course, I meant self-degrading, stupid beyond any conceivable means, idiotic, and such. 

**So this concept of a "Nigger", as coined by the Crackers of yesteryear, was a Black person. Not all crackers called black folks Niggers, but for those who did, it was generally acceptable. From what I gather, and I'm no Nigger Connoisseur by any means, but the original exploring crackers were in the Niger region, but mispronounced Niger, and thus labeled the people from the region as Nigers, or Niggers as they pronounced it.  It took on a negative connotation because of the derogatory ways it was said or the times at which it was used.  But Black folks called other black folks niggers out on the field.  Why? Because that's what they thought they were, especially since crackers were calling them that.  We forget that they had to learn this language, so they also learned the name that the crackers had for them, and embraced it as normal.

Slave 1: I sho' is tiyud today. Massah ain' playin' is he?

Slave 2: Shut up, ya lazy nigger, get back to work befo' we getz our asses beat

Now was he trying to be derogatory?  More than likely, no.  It is we uppity Negroes of modern times who shrug off the Nigger label as offensive [if crackers use it] because it reminds us of slavery.  And no one hates being reminded of slavery more than Black folks, I tell ya!  We think we are so above being called Niggers like them ole slaves, dont we?

So basically, we hate anything that crackers put on us, so when they call us Niggers, we get mad. When they called us colored, we accepted it but then decided that wasnt good either.  Then we were Negroes, or vice versa.  You get my point.  Any label they gave us, we shrugged off after a period of embracing it, because we decided it wasn't good enough for us.  In fact, we ain't been happy until we got a label that is more incorrect and ridiculous than any other, African-American. {See, now THAT is some Niggerish shit}.**

So what does it mean that I associate such behavior with such a term.  I mean, hey, according to crackers of old, we are Niggers, Black people from the Niger region, right?  Then why do we get so uptight about it?

Let me offer explanation one to the court

CUZ WE JUST SOME SOME ANGRY, UPPITY NIGGERS WITH NO GOOD GATDAYUMMED SENSE WHO HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO DIRECT OUR ENERGY, SO WE FOCUS ON STUPID ASS LABELS TO GET US BENT OUT OF SHAPE!!!

Ahem, excuse me ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, I'm one of them, kinda.  I mean there are other niggers out there who call me uppity, say I think my shit don't stink, that I am too opinionated, that I flaunt my successes, etc.  They are right of course, but for argument's sake, let's say I'm not any of those things.  Lets say that I'm just a regular old NWAC [Nigger Without A Cause], and I need to exert some of this Black Rage that has been building up inside of me.  So what do I do with it?

I go to two prominent Cracker Schools and profess my hatred of the word NIGGER.  I begin my crusade to convince black people that they should NEVER call themselves Niggers because it is a degrading word and they are so beyond that. I will tell people that they shouldn't differentiate between Black people and Niggers [a la Chris Rock] because that is just as bad, if not worse.  I will tell people that there is no difference between nigGER and nigGAH, and eloquently explain how dialectal changes or phonetic differences in pronunciation do nothing to change the meaning to the word.  I would cringe when people actually try to explain the difference between the two, or say how it is cool for some people to use it, but not others.  I will begin to hate how women call their men "My Nigga" and men call their sons "Lil Niggas".  I will convince myself that I am right and the people who use this word are still mentally enslaved and need to be released from Nigger Bondage.

Well, Fuck that, Niggers! you are on your own. No more freedom fighting from the kid! Most of you niggers never appreciated it anyway.

Cuz I love calling my close friends Stank Hoe Bitches.  That is what they are and that is what I will call them.  I mean, when I think about the characteristics of what a Bitch really is, a female dog, I think about the love for doggy-style that most of them have, and their penchant for random acts of sex, and I'm like, hey I aint so far off. *snicker* You might not like it, and fuck you too.  Because I feel it is my right to call these trampy whores, applehead dykes, waterhead yella heffas, tree-hugging carpet muchers, or  whatever I want, I realize it is every black person's right to degrade themselves and their loved ones by calling them "Niggers".  Who am I to infringe on that right?  In fact, I will even join in on it. 

Paul Mooney was right.  Saying "Nigger" 100 times a day keeps your teeth white.

 

STAND UP IF YOU'RE A NIGGER!!!

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BE A NIGGER!!

Y'all love it SO much, why not stomp your foot and light a match for self-hate?

 

1.

Can't Think Of Nothing That Rhymes With 15

I'm turning over a new leaf brethren and sistren!!

Yes, a new day has dawned! It is the beginning a new era free M, B, N, D, or whatever other names people call me [and thinking about it, shit, there's a lot of em!]

I'm Going To Be Nice

Yea, I know, I know, dear reader, I feel for you as you sit there clutching the pearls, wondering what this means for your daily internet life. 

You might be wondering, as you underoos bunch up, where you will get your daily dose of random hate and opinionated bullshit. 

You might be searching your mind to figure out where you are going to find extremely verbose rants about everything and nothing relevant to your life. [I could actually point you in the direction of a few blogs also guilty of such meandering, but that would be ... well... MEAN]. 

You might have felt a chill course through your body wondering, what has become of this crazy bitch...fuck! I'mma miss her.

Some of you might even try and convince me to not change, to DO me [I'm picking up a new "toy" this evening so rest assured that I will continue to do just THAT], because for some twisted reason you appreciate the way I express myself tactlessly, hatefully, flauntingly, braggadociously, and of course, with more self-centered opinionated pontifications than you are used to. 

Or maybe you hate it but find yourself addicted to the madness that is me.  It's ok.  I don't fully understand the magnetism myself, but ya gotta love it.

I'm Going To Be Nice

So anyway, I was talking with the lifepartner, and I said you know what? I'm going to be NICE.  He says, "When?"  I cracked up laughing not only because I appreciate the way in which he is so in tune to my nuances and idiosyncrisies, but that he was correct in asking that question.  When will I be nice?  Am I going to wait until I am 59 years old, A Grandmother, and in need of a new hip before I start being a nice individual?  Well, that was the original plan, but then I began to think about things differently.  I feel like I have reasons to live now and I need to be nice...now.

How does being nice and having reasons to live correlate?  Well, this is how I figure it.  If I am nice, I walk away from debates, discussions, arguments, etc that would involve me giving a different point of view or opinion.  Why?  Because we all know that when you disagree with people, they hate you.  Yes, they HATE you.  Not the Hip Hop hate, not the "Oh I got so many haters" whining bullshit that we are forced to deal with on a regular basis.  No I mean surefire steaming hate. And when people hate you, they harbor anger towards you, which could be released at any time.  I could be grocery shopping and next thing I have someone charging at me because 8 months ago, I said that I think the Ying Yang Twins represent all that is wrong with Black people.  And I said it while the person was whistling while she was twerking and shaking it like a salt shaker in front of her Ying Yang Twin Altar [made of...salt... of course].  So because of what I said, she got mad, and began to hate me [probably muttering and complaining to her friends that I am a...hater], and with such hate, she harbored anger that boiled over while I was shopping for some Fruit Roll-Ups for my step-daughter.  Tragic.  Doncha think?

Also, I know how hard it is for me to walk away from a great debate that allows for me to get my point across and listen to someone else's view, especially if it is different.  I appreciate engaging with people who are not monolithic in thought, but rather are unafraid to own their views and express then.  It ignites a fire within me, though I have also learned, rather annoyingly, that not everyone is like that.  You have the whiners, the bellyachers, the complainers, the talk shit but do nothing-ers, etc and they annoy me.  Where are the people with backbones??!! *waves fist in the air angrily*  Since I feel like I have enuff in my life, and need no more, I have decided to hang it up.  This simply means no more scouting for stimulating conversation from people I don't already know well enough to deliver my own brand of brash-and-sassy pontification.  They get it.  Most of you don't and that is OK.  It's not a bad thing; it just means I don't need to talk to you. 

How do I get being NICE out of "it just means I don't need to talk to you"?  There is something seriously wrong with me, I swear.

Anyway. People are strange.  People are stranger when you disagree with them.  People are even more strange when they begin the unnecessary task of comparing their lives with your life and, of course, when they come up terribly short, the envy/angst/bitterness etc ensues.  It's AG, as my man Derrick says, cuz Percy, I don't give a fuck. 

Anyway.  I'm a problem, most of the time, and in my ever-maturing infinite wisdom [did that make sense?...*thinking*  NOPE], I am learning that I provoke people on purpose.  Prepare for moment of self-actualization here. I push buttons intentionally to get a rise out of people, or as I see it, to get the most out of them.  I like when people begin to feel passionate emotions, be it anger, frustration, extreme happiness, determination, or any other emotion that evokes passion.  I love to see this, I love to watch this.  Don't ask why, but I thrive on it.  The problem comes when people don't know that I am not always doing this to be negative, but simply to fill some twisted void in my world. lol.  *Yeah sometimes I love pissing people off*. I love to feel my own blood pumping, my pressure rising, my eyebrows furrowing, and lips sneering, and every other physical manifestion of the ever-present "YOU DUMB FUCK!!!!" sensation, and I push buttons to challenge others to get to that phase.  Can't help it.

I'm Going To Be Nice

So back to the correlation mentioned earlier.  I want to be around for a long time, and I realize that high blood pressure, due to "stress" or everything I just mentioned, can shorten my life.  Talking MAD shit to unstable sewer dwellers could potentially cause backlash that might threaten my life-span. lol yeah it sounded funny typing it too. Focus put towards debating and conversing with people incapable of engaging in such discourse distracts focus from things that are more important, like eating on time, exercising, having sex, etc.  When you are addicted to discourse, you put other things off.  I know I do, and you do too! 

 So I think the best course of action, is to leave well enough alone.  Stop going to other people's little spaces on the internet and dropping my *cough* opinion.  Stop disagreeing with people.  Smile more.  Be more pleasant and tolerant of bulldookie.  I'm not even going to read the words people type.  Except for the people in my circle, who of course, are adult enough to engage me without ... I'll stop, before I say some not-so-nice things.

Before you, behold, a new, calmer, more tolerant, and most of all, nicer version of ME*cheese*

Fini!!!

******

www.webster.com   for those in need...

shout out to Lil Brother's Minstrel Show for supplying random lines. Either you got it or you didn't, it's ok.

 

Main Entry: sar·casm

Pronunciation: 'sär-"ka-z&m

Function: noun

Etymology: French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwar&s- to cut

1 : a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain <tired of continual sarcasms>

2 a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual b : the use or language of sarcasm <this is no time to indulge in sarcasm>

synonym see WIT

Main Entry: ²wit

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German wizzi knowledge, Old English witan to know

1 a : MIND, MEMORY b : reasoning power : INTELLIGENCE

2 a : SENSE 2a -- usually used in plural <alone and warming his five wits, the white owl in the belfry sits -- Alfred Tennyson> b (1) : mental soundness : SANITY -- usually used in plural (2) : mental capability and resourcefulness : INGENUITY

3 a : astuteness of perception or judgment : ACUMEN b : the ability to relate seemingly disparate things so as to illuminate or amuse c (1) : a talent for banter or persiflage (2) : a witty utterance or exchange d : clever or apt humor

4 a : a person of superior intellect : THINKER b : an imaginatively perceptive and articulate individual especially skilled in banter or persiflage

Doobie Doobie Doo

Ok, so yesterday was Monday morning and I got to work extremely early because hubby had another trip.  This time to Seattle to mess with the Seahawks, so I dropped him off with a co-worker at 7:30 and ended up at work by 8:15-ish.  Got some breakfast and bumped into a co-worker who wanted to tell me that he appreciates my honesty and integrity, and my ability to eloquently convey my thoughts, which are often shared by others too afraid to speak their minds [ahhh, such is my plight].  That was unexpected, but welcomed. [This was in reference to a recent staff meeting where I basically voiced the issues of sexual harassment and lack of professionalism in the office where I work, among other things]  It woke me up, to say the least.

Now to speak briefly on the Millions More Movement [Now y'all know I had to say something lol].  **Applause to Launchcast for streaming "Mississippi Goddamn" by Nina Simone just as I cracked my knucles to hammer this portion out** Well, I watched it from home.  That says a lot doesn't it?  As someone said, Shit...gas is HIGH! LMAO Oh that was SO wrong.  Anyway, I watched it from almost beginning to end, taking breaks for exercise, food, other things *QQ*, etc. 

Farakkhan was 2 hours late!! NEGRAS!!!! People hogging the mic like this was a rap concert. They knew damn well they only got a certain amount of time to speak, but they wanna shine on for a few mo' minutes.  Speaking of rap...*deep breath*  Can someone please tell me what was up with the mumble-mouthed coon from...fuck it, I can't even claim his ignorant ass.  Courtest of E.vil Star, I knew that Jim J.ones would be at the March, however, many of us believed he was going to speak, and that in itself was reason enough to stay tuned in to C-SPAN.  Did this monkey actually go onstage to perform that piece of shit "song" "Sum.mer In Miami"???  Dude it is Autumn in D.C. you ignorant moron!!  And to top it off, they were playing the "dirty" version of the song, which was subsequently cut off and Jim  J.ones was forced to apologize for them playing the dirty version.  But oh, get this negroes of the world, this was AFTER Corn.el We.st got on stage and spoke about how we need to get away from the "bling bling" mentality and we need to become more progressive as a people.  [Insert deadpan expression here]

I could go on the ultimate rant about that but I won't.  Draw your own conclusions.  Naw man, fuck it... WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE JIM JONES OF THE DIP SET, A KNOWN DRUG DEALER AND PEDDLER OF SMUT VIA MUSIC, COME AND BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE STAGE????  I need to know this.  Was Ch,uck D busy?  Was M,os Def filming a Denali commercial?  Was Tali.b Kweli busy begging for credit somewhere?  Was K.RS-One chilling in a mansion somewhere and unable to attend?  Was R.akim Allah himself too disinterested to represent the Hip-Hop nation? End Rant.

Susan Taylor, of Ess.ence Magazine said a lot of things that I agree with.  Er.ykah Badu was high.  I don't care what you say, she is no longer smoking regular incense-laced weed, she is smoking that oeky-doke oooooooooh weezie wee!!!  What in jumping jehosephat was she speaking about?  The best part was when she said, "Naw, I'm not gonna sing... I'm not gonna sing... What's wrong with yall???"  And two minutes later, she proceeded to sing.  I see she is back to the headwraps.  *rolling eyes*  Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Farakkahn asked too much.  Idealistically, what he talked about would be great. Side Note:  I agree with Star who said, "Nobody's trying to kill you Nigga!!!"  in response to the fact that he had the bullet-proof shielding up.  King, was a martyr.  You killed Malcolm, after the plots to degrade his name and image.  NIGGA [yeah I said it], No one is even thinking about you on that level!!!  Farakkahn poses no threat to white people or their money, so they ain't thinking about killing his ass.  Black folks damn sure ain't listening to him, so why the bullet-proof glass?  Scared the spirit of El Hajj Malik Al Shabazz is going to permeate someone and seek revenge on you??!!  Anyway, the idea of a Black economy, Black controlled farming, uniting with Natives to lease their land and use it for production of our own goods, building factories in Africa to manufacture our clothing and other things [thus providing jobs and keeping black dollars among black people], establishing a seperate political party that would force white government to acknowledge us, etc were all great ideas, except for one thing...

Shit won't happen.

Why?

Cuz NIGGAS love CRACKAS too much to let go of the milky white titty from which they suckle.  We can't even drive an extra 5 minutes to buy food from a black-owned market or go an extra 5 train stops to buy our hair care products from someone non-Asian [Korean].  How the hell does Farakkahn expect coloreds to support Black Farmers, when the majority of non-Farming Blacks live in cities and are removed from farm life, thus having no real connection to or understanding of the problems Black farmers face.  Don't tell people to do something without educating them about what you are calling them to do.  Sure, we need a seperate political party.  But, dammit, how many millions of Black folks are convicted felons?  How many aren't registered to vote?  How many are registered to vote and don't?  How we gonna get coloreds to vote for other coloreds, when they don't even vote for white people... and they LOVEEEEE crackas?  Mannnn...

Anyone else notice how C-Span was really big on showing footage of people sleeping?  Of all of the hundreds of thousands of people there, they decided to keep showing clips of people sleeping.  Fuckas.

End Rant about the March.

You ever do $40 worth of laundry at once?  We did, this weekend. Who knew men had so many clothes? QQ

Ladies, how sexy is a man who not only cooks, but cooks well?  Food and Sex are parallel for me, in terms of physical pleasures.  I find that I get horny as my food digests.  This is the honest truth lol.  I eat, sit back, and all of a suddenly, I get dumb horny. [LMAO]  I take pleasure in eating great food, hence why I am the fat bastard that I am.  But a man who can cook a mean steak, can get some mean cooter. QQ [Iffn that Negro condition does not take over and I end up in la-la land]

Can y'all tell I'm in love? *giggle*

The best way to know I'm in love is to look at how long the mufugga been in my life and I haven't expressed boredom or seemed distracted lol.  Normally, by this point, I would have hopped in someone else's bed or let someone else take me out or start my complaints about little annoying things about a man.  I get so easily distracted, especially when it comes to men, because until now, I always felt there was someone better for me out there somewhere.  The men I've been involved with until now all lacked that "something" that stopped me from hoping for more.  Either he was lacking a level of comparable intelligence, lacking a certain sexual compatibility, lacking an ability to commit, or lacking whatever makes me not look at a man like he is a complete fucking waste of time.  But this one... yeah, I think I'mma keep him.

And I'm spent!!! [But I'm back ]

 

Long Week

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"Search my mind,
And search my heart.
Touch my spirit,
I want to make a brand new start.
If you find anything in me,
That should not be,
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
And staighten me.
It's my desire to be right.
Create in my a clean heart.
Create in me the right spirit.
I want to be right,
I want to be whole..." -- "Create In Me" by Lawrence Matthews and Friends (1994)

 

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

This has been a trying week for me.  I cannot completely explain everything that has gone on with me or that has been turning over in my mind.

Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone who has offered a kind word and offered support.

I am not one to reach out or lean on people during hard times, never have been.  But this is not to say I don't appreciate the concern and effort of folks dear to me, because I do.  I internalize things a lot.  My blog reflects maybe 10% of what I think, and even less of what I am willing to share.  I'm just weird like that, I guess. I'm just asking that people not be offended if I don't open up or if I seem distant when asked what is wrong.  I know I can make it difficult for folks to "be there", but I mean no harm.

Never have I experienced such regret and remorse. I have even prided myself on being someone who experiences very little regret or remorse.  I try to see each experience in my life as a learning experience, one I would not change because it led to me being who I am.  The other night, I just lost it.  I was hysterical and I felt like I had no grip on my sanity.  I felt as though I was about to slip into an abyss from which I would never return.  All because of the guilt and remorse that has consumed me as of late.

I had a conversation with someone yesterday that needed to happen, and has been put off for a very long time.  This person had a lot to say to me, finally, and I knew that the expression of the emotions this person felt would be therapeutic, so I silently listened and allowed it.  Whether or not it resonated within me, I am unsure.  There seems to be a wall around me that won't allow these words or expressions to penetrate my core, yet I understood the need for this person to express them.  My boyfriend suggested that maybe I felt it was too little, too late, but I don't know if that is exactly what I felt.  I think what I felt was an emptiness that could not be filled, not by this person, not by anyone.  It is this emptiness that I have lived with for as long as I can remember. 

This isnt an issues of forgiveness, because that has been done.  It isnt about letting go or moving on, because that has been done.  It is about this person being unable to do anything to change who I have become, which is ironic because this person is almost 100% responsible for the person I have become.  Yet this person no longer has any power or control over the direction in which my life will go and this person understands it.  This person expressed pride in who I have become, and in the same breath acknowledged that this person's bad decisions and negative actions have contributed to the path I have chosen for my life.

How does one develop a life founded in negativity and turn it into somethign positive?  How does negativity become the driving force for positivity?  Do negative means ever justify positive ends?

I am who I am for many reasons and because of the influence of a number of people.  This person has been a major influence both directly and indirectly, yet not in the way that this person had hoped.  This person acknowledged mistakes made, citing this person's own negative life experiences and relationships.  I just listened, let this person speak, and deflected it all.  I cannot even say it went in one ear and out of the other.  My ear didn't care to open up at all...

If I ever expect to sustain a productive relationship... if I ever expect to be a great friend... if I ever expect to be a good mother, I need to do something.  I am not well.  Most people who have ever penetrated my core know this; there is something really wrong with me.  These days, I find it almost impossible to remove the veil of cynicism that shields my eyes.  I find that I become increasingly immune to certain things, while other things feel like they are going to destroy me with the slightest brush.

I needed a resolution.  I needed absolution.  I needed forgiveness and understanding.  I needed reconciliation.  I needed love.

Now... I have love. I have reconciled.  I have forgiven and understood, and been forgiven and understood.  I have been absolved, and it all has been resolved.

In college, I sang in a gospel choir and the director pulled me aside one day, and said God put a song on his heart for me.  He said he God told him that I was battling a lot of demons and struggling with a lot of unresolved issues.  I sang this song at our spring concert and so many people in the audience stood up and began shouting and crying because, like me, they had been struggling and battling as well.  I know I am not the only person who has had trial upon trial and tribulation upon tribulation.  I know that there are people who have had it worse than I have.  I know that there are people who have not made it as far as I have and I am so blessed to be able to wake up every morning and live the life that I live.  But sometimes, it hurts.  Even now, we hurt...

 

6 is the magic number

He had an early call at work this morning, so he was up by 4:30 a.m.  He had to take a big bag with him, because he is to fly to Minneappolis this evening for his other business. She got up to use the bathroom shortly after and saw him using the computer.  She went back to bed, knowing he would give me the requisite kiss and hug before leaving for business trips that she had become accustomed to.  He complied, as expected, and she mumbled something about loving him, as she coasted on the plane between consciousness and sleepy unconsciousness.  Though she hates spending a night or two alone, she knows the benefits of such trips are insurmountable, and their livelihood is better for it.

Her own alarm went off at 7a.m., the time she now wakes up to make sure she gets in an hour of exercise.  she woke up and stretched her muscles, gathering her bearings.  Sleepily, she padded out through the living room towards the kitchen to get her water bottle.  It was then that she noticed the package on the chair in front of our computer desk.  She stopped and picked up the items and sat on the chair.  The first had a note attached that read "So you can relive each time like it was the first".  After peeling off the note, she saw that it was the DVD version of Beauty Shop, Queen Latifah's awesomely terrible movie.  Of course, the movie holds a special place in her heart because it was the movie they saw on their first date, it was the movie that played when they shared their first kiss, and it was the movie that rolled when she realized that she had met the man she was to spend the rest of her life with.  Her vision became blurry as the tears welled up in her eyes. It was a combination of his getting such a symbolic gift and the fact that the bugger stole her idea.

The next item was another DVD, this one she had spoken about so often, but had no extra money to pick up, having restricted myself to the tighest of budgets.  Dave Chappelle show Season 2. He knew how much she wanted it, so he got it. It is what he does; he just wants to make her smile, because the joy she gets from seeing her smile is beyond anything he can describe.  He understands her pride and understands how hard of an adjustment it is for her to allow someone to pay for things, buy her things, etc.  He knows the only way to make it happen is to surprise her.

The last thing was a card.  The words in the card were so amazingly special and intimate and they caressed her soul, bringing forth a torrent of tears.  She has cried more since being with this man than she has in her adult life and a good 90% of the tears are tears of happiness and joy.  She feels that she has finally found peace and truth and has encountered her destiny. This is the one path she will never steer from.

It really bothers me to read that so many people go through hardships in relationships.  I have been there, more than once, and I know the pain and hurt of betrayal.  I know the pain of neglect.  I know the emptiness of not being loved.  I wish it on no one, not even my worst enemy.  I am, however, absolutely grateful that I no longer have to deal with these things.  I often tell people to go with their instincts, and I believe it is because people ignore their instincts that they end up unhappy.  There is a human disconnect that costs us so much unecessary strife, because we ignore our instincts.  Pollution, red meat, toxins, chemical medications, and other things have contributed to the disconnect that we have from our instinctive spirit. If we had adhered to the voice that told us the he was not "right" or the voice that said "she isn't the one", we could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache.  We second guess ourselves, many times because we want to believe the best in people. 

My instinct was right this time.

Big shout out to everyone in loving relationships.  Kudos to those who have been able to work through problems and issues and continue on in a committed relationship based on love.  I salute the people who are true to their partners, honest, loyal, trustworthy, and respectful.  I congratulate the people who have learned that open, honest communication is the key to maintaining a successful relationship.  I admire those of you who don't give up.

To the men and women out there not fulfilling their end of the deal, I have no respect for you. 

No, I have not been the most perfect partner in the past, and it is because of the things I have done that I can say, it is NOT cool. 

No, it is not o.k. to lie to someone you claim to care about. 

No, it is not acceptable to cheat on your partner (cheating is defined, by me, as engaging in any activity outside of your relationship that you are not comfortable telling your partner.  These include internet conversations, dinners, movie outtings, phone conversations, etc.  If you cannot relay said information to your partner, or include him/her in it, it is cheating!). 

It is not right to treat your partner like a second-class citizen.  You canNOT treat someone like he/she is not a priority. 

If you are unable to give 100% of yourself to someone, you ought to step back and re-evaluate you ability to be involved in a committed relationship.  I had to do that myself, and I know it isn't easy.  You might have to face a lot of demons, issues, and struggles, but you must conquer those before you enter someone else's life with serious intentions. 

If you are not ready, do NOT be so selfish that you risk destroying someone else's faith because of your irresponsibility.

You must go above and beyond anything you already think is good enough.  Shower your partner with compliments.  Cook for your partner.  Encourage your partner with kind words.  Be an understanding ear.  Be honest and forthcoming about your insecurities and vulnerabilities.  Put your pride aside.  Talk openly about marriage, sex, and children.  Discuss the future, and what YOU want.  Listen to your woman/man.  Stop acting according to your friends' advice [they are not in your relationship].  Keep what is private in your relationship between you and your mate.  Spend quality time, no matter what you do with it, spend it!  Know and express when enough is enough. Leave your fears at the door! Act when you know instinctively that it is right, regardless of what society or people around you say! 

That's all I can say about that...

As a side note:

It is the 6th day of October, the 6 month commemoration of our union. I am 26, born on the 6th of April, at 6:34 a.m.  I am 6 feet tall.  I try to eat 6 times a day.  Our combined incomes total 6 figures.  He is one of 6 siblings. Our last names each have 6 letters in them. I'm reaching here, but u get the point lol.

"Love/Hate"

**This post was inspired by a song of the same name written, in part, by my baby**

Don't you...

...love when your favorite song comes on the radio, one that isn't often played, and you begin to reminisce on the song as you sing along, knowing all of the words?  You get lost for those 4 minutes, lost in your own world and you see nothing wrong with it.

... hate when you have to take a major dump and you sit down before realizing that you [or someone else] forgot to replace the toilet paper?

...love seeing a father playing with his daughter?

...hate when you feel a hard ass booger deep in the back of your nose and you can't reach it with out looking completely ugly and ignorant?  There is no way to tactfully remove the booger that has been both blocking your airway and cutting your nose into shreds at the same time...

...love when you walk down the street or sitting somewhere in public and someone looks at you a bit longer with an admiring sparkle in his/her eye?

...hate when you receive the same chain email 8 times in one day by people who really believe the shit is true?  Why don't people research things?  Why do people believe everything they hear?  Why do people claim to believe in God but are too superstitious to not pass an email on to 7 people so they can be happy for the rest of their lives?

...love to see young black men and women headed to college classes?  I don't know about y'all but it does my heart good to see them headed to school, striving to better themselves, by any means.  I work near one of the CUNY schools, and while it might not be the best school in the world, at least the students are going SOMEwhere rather than nowhere.

...hate when you are thirsty as hell and you run to the 'fridge to quench your thirst, only to find that the container of juice contains a corner swallow of juice?  Then you get mad at yourself, if you know it was you who left it there, or you get mad at that someone else who might have done it.  Dont you wanna go upside someone's head with the container?

...love the smell of a clean house?  The mixes of carpet freshener, mopping cleanser, lemon pledge, windex, candles or incense, all purpose cleaners, and Glade plug-ins blending together, welcoming you home...simply amazing.

...hate when you clean the house and then someone comes and messes it all up?  Like they can't put shit back where it belongs, or they track their muddy shoes through the house, or leave their draws wherever, etc.

...love a man who puts the seat down?  All those fears of falling in the bowl during a late night bathroom run disappear.

...hate when you have a serious taste for something, I mean a hungerinnng for something, and then you go and get it and it doesn't taste as good as it should?  For example, you have a crazy hunger for a McDonald's Fish Sammich, and you don't go to McDonald's often because you know there is a plot to kill all the poor people with $1 Menu Death Food, so you know that this time is a treat.  You find a McDonald's and then you order your fish sammich just how you like it [extra tartar sauce, no cheese for me].  You sit in your car or at home [you dont dare eat it there cuz the homeless dude in the corner is stanking up the place] and you unwrap it and take a bite... and that is when it hits you.  It tastes like CRAP!!! Ultimate nastiness and you are SO pissed because you been fiending for this since last Thursday.  Fuck McDonalds!

...love when someone sits a plate of homecooked food in front of you and it smells SO good and you know the effort put into it will make it taste all the better? 

...hate McDonald's??? [Sorry, still mad]

...love when you make a great purchase?  Whether it is a dress that seems like it was designed for you, or an electronic device on sale. Whether it is a rare piece of jewelry or an out-of-print book.  The feeling of making a good purchase, spending your money purposefully is amazing.

...hate bad weaves or hairstyles on women?  Maybe I am alone in this, but one thing I hate seeing, especially on my commute to and from work, is women whose hair looks "toh up from da floh up".  I cannot stand seeing tracks haphazardly covered up by nappy new growth.  I hate seeing bizarre colors or color combinations.  I hate feeling like I am in the south [don't be mad lol] or in Detroit at a hair convention.  I don't like to see otherwise decent looking women ruin their look by creating a bird's next or pineapple concoction atop their domes.  And there is nothing worse than a white or asian woman with 'locs.

...love when you discover a great movie?  Like you are home flipping through cable and you see a movie coming on and you decide to watch it, only to find that it was a great movie made like 5 or 10 years ago.  Or when someone recommends a movie you havent heard of or had not planned on seeing, but you go to the theatre and you find that it is a wonderful flick. [Happened to me with Lost In Translation]

...hate when you fart and it follows you?  The FartTail aint no joke, especially if you have big, fart-harboring ass cheeks.  You try to fan it away, but that doesn't work.  The worst is when you are in a store and you do it in an empty aisle and 5 seconds later someone comes to the aisle.  You try to act like you are appalled by the smell, like someone else did it.

What do you love/hate?

 

Either it is, or it isn't...

Danjaruz Depiction:



Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"There ain't no substitute for the truth. Either it is or it isn't..."- India.Arie "The Truth"

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

This post is all about truth. In a world full of lies and liars, in a world that often seems void of truth, we ought to give more thought to this notion of "Truth". What is Truth? What does it mean to tell the Truth or to be True? Who defines the parameters of Truth? How do we recognize Truth when we encounter it and how can we tell Truth from skillfull lies?

I lie. I lie to people I don't like. I lie to people I love. I lie to myself and I have probably lied to you. We live in a technologically advanced millenium where there are more than enough devices that allow us to create images, ideas, and such to whatever specifications we deem work for us. How do any of us that interact via internet say that we are true and "real" when we use synthetic devices as means of communication? There is something amazingly paradoxical about this phenomenon of interpersonal communication sans persons!

How many of you could go one week without talking on the phone, turning on a television, turning on a radio, or turning on your computer? Somehow I guess the numbers are low, but for some reason, I believe the people who lived in times when this was normal life lived truer lives. They were forced to (or blessed with the chance to) deal with nature, deal with each other one-on-one, connect with each other, touch each other, etc. I imagine dishonesty was tougher. This is not to say they didn't lie or weren't true, I am simply suggesting that we have more opportunities and devices to lead false lives, with no real recourse. We answer to a Creator we have never seen and we speak of how He knows our heart/spirit and the "truth" in it, yet we feed lies and falsehood to the people we communicate with daily and expect them to take it. And they do. We do. We give and we get, lies mixed with truth, truth mixed with lies.

I am going to list a few of my own personal truths and I encourage you, dear reader, to seriously think about what your own truths are. share with me, share with others, but all I ask is that you not give in to the fear of being Truthful.

Here we go (In no discernable order):

**Prince Rogers Nelson is the greatest musical artist to walk the face of this earth

** I live with clinical depression. I experience onsets of a series of symptoms at least three times a year. Sometimes I am good at wearing the mask, other times I am not. Sometimes I feel in control, most times I do not. It affects my moods in ways that amaze those around me. I say this not as an excuse for my actions, because I would do that no more often than I would if I were drunk [which is never], I simply explain. I feel it gives people a heads up so they can decide, early on, if they want to be bothered with me. Some do, most don't. I'm ok with that.

**"Stakes Is High" by De La Soul [from the album of the same name] came out in 1996 and is still the most relevant song speaking to the state of modern hip-hop. Click the song title for the lyrics and tell me if you agree. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

** The only times I am not lazy is when I am doing something so hard and challenging that it keeps me interested for a long time. The reason I am so lazy about almost everything is because it bores me after a short while. They say Aries folks are like that. We start new things with so much energy and determination, only to let it go shortly after we begin because we lose interest. The perfectionist in me, though, does not allow me to give up on something that I cannot do. So the harder something is, the more interested I am in it. Same goes for people. Predictable people bore me. The people I am most drawn to are people I find to be conflicted, tortured, woeful, weird, out-of-the-box thinkers, etc. But even those I get tired of after a while. lol

** Fall and Winter are the best seasons. My favorite time of year is the stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

** Hip- Hop is a culture and like every culture, there are cultural deviants. I refuse to allow the misfits to detract from the beauty of Hip-Hop. Every rapper is not a hip-hop artist, and not every hip-hop artist is a rapper. Hip-Hop was born in the ghetto and the struggles of people, represented in the miscrocosmic "ghetto", are the life-force that sustains the culture. Everything else is artificial. Everything else dilutes the culture. Damn, white folks and their money sure are good at diluting cultures aren't they?

** God is REAL

** I feel no patriotism towards America. I will never again wave an American flag, I will never again sing the national anthem, and I will never again pledge allegiance to the flag. My children will never join any branch of military service as long as I have anything to say about it. I hate that I have to pay taxes. I do not support the wars or any of these presidents of government officials. If you ask me why I am here, I won't answer you. lol. This is America, after all, and I can feel any way I want and express it with no remorse.

** I have so many pet peeves, I scare myself sometimes. I'm like damn, I don't like anything or anyone do I? LOL

** I believe that Black people [Africans] are the backbone of this earth and are the most trampled on people. We are such a conflicted people. So many of us treat each other like crap,and I believe it is because we truly know nothing better. We dont know how to treat each other any differently. I am not speaking on how you cook meals for Miss Loretta down the street. I am speaking on a macro level. I am thinking about the choices we make, such destructive choices, but why do we make such choices? I wonder how much our environment affects our destinies and how much is up to us to create. I feel helpless when I think of the global struggles of African people. AIDS is killing folks on the continent. Poverty attacks us on all corners of the earth. Ignorance is pervasive. Drugs and guns continue to deplete our human resources. I am a Blackwoman in America and I am who I am and where I am because of circumstance and choices.
** The University of Pennsylvania is the best fucking school in America!!! Reckanize biznatches!! [Yeah, I'm dead serious]

** The man in the picture. This man breathes up all my air, mixes his funky draws with my thongs, farts when my mouth is open, and cracks jokes on me any chance he can. I love every moment of it. I have been through it all. the liars, the cheaters, the abusers, the users, the ones who weren't shit, the ones who were full of shit, the cowards, the husbands, the homosexuals, the unemployed, the baby daddies, the freaks, the stalkers, the lunatics, and the charmers. It took 10 years of dealing with all of these types of men to finally receive the man that I am destined to spend my life with. He answers all of my calls and responds to my text messages and emails. He never makes excuses as to why he can't spend time with me because it is his favorite pasttime. His loyalty and fidelity remain with me,and I have no need to question it. I don't have to ask where he has been because he keeps me well-informed. I don't have to ask permission to go out because he gives me the space I need to be me. Every morning I wake up to his sleeping form, I feel complete. Every night I fall asleep with some piece of my skin touching some piece of his skin, I feel safe. Every kiss makes me feel beautiful, and every lingering look makes me feel sexy. Every "I Love You" makes me feel like "the one", and every fight makes me feel strong. Every meal I prepare makes me feel like his Queen, and every decision we come to makes me feel like his partner. Every sentence of mine he completes lets me know that my mind has met its match, and everything we have in common reminds me of everything I have been missing. Everytime I panic and think to myself "What the hell am I doing living with this man??", he comforts me with his words of reassurance, his hugs, and something special. Whether a card, concert tickets, a deliciously cooked dinner, a word of encouragement, or his credit card to go shopping to get clothes that make me feel better about how I present myself, his actions show, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he believes in the love we have for each other.

How do I know this time is different? Because it is the Truth.