B.S.
Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Anytime you need a friend
I will be here...
never be alone again
So long, you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever feel lonely
Love will make it alright
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I havent posted anything new in a week. This is amazing to me, but then again, it really isn't. I started this blog when I was struggling with writer's block. Now the block is so bad, that I can't even blog. Maybe it isnt writer's block, maybe I just have nothing to share? No, that isn't it because there is SO much going on in my mind. Maybe I'm learning how to keep my business to myself. Or at least to the confines of those I trust and those who know me best. Afterall, they are the only ones who really even care what goes on in my life.
Recently, I've encountered a lot of nonsense and bullshit in my life, amongst people who I thought were friends. But see, that is my problem. I believe in people too much. I give everyone the positive eye, the benefit of the doubt, and I hope for the best. It is only when folks abandon me, or turn their backs on me, do I realize that I was the sucker. i realize that I am not on the same level of understanding with people I call "friend" too quickly. I need to work on that.
I go out of my way for people. I mean I REALLY do. SO much so that one of the things people often say when they speak of me is that I was there for them when they needed me or that I went out of my way for them. Well, the one thing I have learned in 2005 and is that the majority of people I have done these things for, have little to no concept of how to return the favor. Well, yes they do. They return it by becoming shady folks who stop talking to me, purposely ignore me, or just act plain ole shitty for NO reason at all. Some people, I have learned, are succubbi, and they are unable to give because they have nothing inside TO give; they have nothing of substance to offer. It is pathetic, really. But it is their reality, and I choose not to be a part of it.
I don't know what happened. If this were the me of the past, I might really care more than I do. I do wonder how folks go from calling you one of their closest friends to not even speaking you, literally overnight, with no explanation, no justification, nothing. When people do things like that, I have to step back and examine the entire situation from all angles. I try to think of what I might have done to warrant such behavior. If I draw a blank there, then I try to think of maybe things going on in their lives that might be contributing to their acting like asses. If I draw a blank there, I simply say two tears in a bucket, fuck it. If they have an issue that is THAT serious that it leads to them ignoring me and acting like shady folks, then it should be an issue serious enough to discuss with me. Since people choose not to do that, fuck it, it can't be that serious. And if it isnt that serious, then why the FUCK are folks acting like that?? Dumb ass cycle, dumb ass actions, dumb ass situations, and I'm taking my leave of it.
So much has changed over the past few months. I have encountered so many different personalities, so many good qualities, so many bad qualities, a pathological liar, a cynic, a sweetheart, a soul sister, a scared soul, an insecure bastard, a confused insecure 'child', the list goes on and on. Being the empathetic individual I am, I often find that one of the first things I do when I meet new folks, I attach myself to their pain. I try to help them through their struggles. Whatever negative is going on, I try my best to help ease that pain. This is how I have always been and it is one of the reasons I am in the social service field. I'm always out to help people.
Never have I done anything expecting something in return. That isnt what I am about. I have sacrificed a lot of myself for people, I have come to realize, do not deserve it. People who do not really understand the reciprocal nature of friendship. Or maybe they are simply people who do not know what to do for someone who seems to be able to handle everything herself. I don't ask anyone for anything material for two reasons. One, I know most of the folks I call friends dont have shit. Lol. I mean seriously. Most of my friends don't have anything worth asking for. I'm usually the one with the money to lend, so if I need money, I know I can't go to most of my friends cuz they prolly still owe me money lol. I'm not mad at them for this and it doesnt define our friendships, its just an observation. [the only folks who would get offended by reading that are those who are insecure about their material possessions/offerings and/or those who resent that I dont ask for anything]. Two, I do for self. That is how I was raised and that is how I live my life. I am learning how to push this aside, having someone in my life who loves doing nice things for me. It is still hard, but it is finally nice to have someone in my life who can do things for me.
My brithday was a turning point for me. I woke up and decided I was no longer tolerating bullshit. I want to say that I dont know why it was that day, but I do. I was entering the 26th year of my life, a quarter of a century behind me, and I knew I wanted the next quarter to be different. I wanted to regain and maintain control of my life. I knew that some drastic changes had to be made and some weights and burdens had to be removed.
Some of the changes I decided I would make:
1. Stop taking on the burdens of everyone around me. This means that although I feel bad that some people might be going through hard times or struggles, I cannot save them by myself so I need to stop wearing myself out trying to do so. I have had some friends get into some bad situations and when I look back at how I responded, I realized I took on entirely TOO much and for people who, I have since realized, would never do the same in return.
2.Put myself first. This has been hard for me because for the longest time, I never considered myself worthy of being put first, not even in my own life. I think certain personalities sensed that in me and were drawn to me because of it. The types of personalities that never want to do shit for anyone, the types of personalities that are full of excuses as to why they can't do XYZ. They see me, the one who asks for nothing but gives everything, and they love it, take advantage of it.
3.Stop being afraid of real love. I spent the last few years convincing myself that what I felt for certain people was love, when I knew, in reality, it wasn't. It was a mirror image of love, the image reflected from a battered soul. The "love" was doomed before it began. It took a long while to recognize this. Things I felt for all of the men I'd been involved with, wasn't real. It was nothing more than the hopes and fantasies of a lost woman, seeking something to fill the void in her soul. I learned that I could not fill that void with anything or anyone external. I had to look within myself for the cure to that emptiness.
4. Be real with myself and others. Growing up with a lesbian mother and her lover at a time when it was not yet acceptable taught me how to conceal certain aspects of my life from others. I came to be a pro at this. There were certain aspects of my personality, certain things I've done or experienced, that I kept to myself, mainly out of fear of how others would look at me or accept me. I've since come out of the proverbial closet and I have begun to share more of myself and my life experiences with others. I have never felt so free and I am free to be me. What's better is that I am learning that the people who care most about me love me still and are still by my side. Yes, some have fallen off, some have grown distant or have outright left, but I knew that would happen. Some folks cannot handle certain things about others. The second part of this was that I began to realize that I was censoring myself around certain people. This doesnt work for me. i dont care what ANYONE says, you should not have to walk on eggshells around your "Friends". You should be able to say whatever is on your mind and not fear that they will take personal offense or fear that you will rub them the wrong way. True friends don't get stuck on that nonsense. With someone people, I was like "Ok, I cant tell her this" or "I cant say this to him or he will start his whining" and that became a problem for me.
5.Get rid of the dead weight. This is probably the hardest, but it is the most necessary. There are just some people and issues that are dead weight that need not be carried around any longer. If people are not in support of my happiness and forward progress, than why are they in my life? I need people around me who support me, listen to me, keep it real with me not out of jealousy or resentment, but because they love me and KNOW me well enough to keep me grounded. Anytime you realize that 90% of the conversations you have with someone is about negative things, problems, issues, struggles, etc. that is a problem. Where is the positivty? Where is the light? I know we all go through bad times, but DAMN. There are beautiful things going on in the world and we need not wallow in or dwell upon the bad things. I am always working on keeping my shit together and I like being around people who are handling business the same way. Am I wrong because I like to be around people who aren't broke all of the time? Am I wrong because sometimes I want to do something other than go to a club and drink/dance? Am I wrong because I like being around people who smile and wish me happiness when I speak of my relationship rather than being around people who second-guess, doubt, or figuratively roll their eyes? Am I wrong for wanting to be around people who aspire for the better things in life? People who arent content with the status quo?
I have started narrowing my focus. I want to get married. I want to be a mommy. I want to continue to work with the homeless population. I want to write books. I want to raise beautiful black children full of love and pride and talent. I want to have my friends and his friends come and visit our home and feel welcomed as part of our family. I want our village to thrive and grow together.
We shall see how things work out. All one can do is hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Danjaruz Haiku:
I don't understand
Why folks act the way they do
Blah, What can I do?
Anytime you need a friend
I will be here...
never be alone again
So long, you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever feel lonely
Love will make it alright
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I havent posted anything new in a week. This is amazing to me, but then again, it really isn't. I started this blog when I was struggling with writer's block. Now the block is so bad, that I can't even blog. Maybe it isnt writer's block, maybe I just have nothing to share? No, that isn't it because there is SO much going on in my mind. Maybe I'm learning how to keep my business to myself. Or at least to the confines of those I trust and those who know me best. Afterall, they are the only ones who really even care what goes on in my life.
Recently, I've encountered a lot of nonsense and bullshit in my life, amongst people who I thought were friends. But see, that is my problem. I believe in people too much. I give everyone the positive eye, the benefit of the doubt, and I hope for the best. It is only when folks abandon me, or turn their backs on me, do I realize that I was the sucker. i realize that I am not on the same level of understanding with people I call "friend" too quickly. I need to work on that.
I go out of my way for people. I mean I REALLY do. SO much so that one of the things people often say when they speak of me is that I was there for them when they needed me or that I went out of my way for them. Well, the one thing I have learned in 2005 and is that the majority of people I have done these things for, have little to no concept of how to return the favor. Well, yes they do. They return it by becoming shady folks who stop talking to me, purposely ignore me, or just act plain ole shitty for NO reason at all. Some people, I have learned, are succubbi, and they are unable to give because they have nothing inside TO give; they have nothing of substance to offer. It is pathetic, really. But it is their reality, and I choose not to be a part of it.
I don't know what happened. If this were the me of the past, I might really care more than I do. I do wonder how folks go from calling you one of their closest friends to not even speaking you, literally overnight, with no explanation, no justification, nothing. When people do things like that, I have to step back and examine the entire situation from all angles. I try to think of what I might have done to warrant such behavior. If I draw a blank there, then I try to think of maybe things going on in their lives that might be contributing to their acting like asses. If I draw a blank there, I simply say two tears in a bucket, fuck it. If they have an issue that is THAT serious that it leads to them ignoring me and acting like shady folks, then it should be an issue serious enough to discuss with me. Since people choose not to do that, fuck it, it can't be that serious. And if it isnt that serious, then why the FUCK are folks acting like that?? Dumb ass cycle, dumb ass actions, dumb ass situations, and I'm taking my leave of it.
So much has changed over the past few months. I have encountered so many different personalities, so many good qualities, so many bad qualities, a pathological liar, a cynic, a sweetheart, a soul sister, a scared soul, an insecure bastard, a confused insecure 'child', the list goes on and on. Being the empathetic individual I am, I often find that one of the first things I do when I meet new folks, I attach myself to their pain. I try to help them through their struggles. Whatever negative is going on, I try my best to help ease that pain. This is how I have always been and it is one of the reasons I am in the social service field. I'm always out to help people.
Never have I done anything expecting something in return. That isnt what I am about. I have sacrificed a lot of myself for people, I have come to realize, do not deserve it. People who do not really understand the reciprocal nature of friendship. Or maybe they are simply people who do not know what to do for someone who seems to be able to handle everything herself. I don't ask anyone for anything material for two reasons. One, I know most of the folks I call friends dont have shit. Lol. I mean seriously. Most of my friends don't have anything worth asking for. I'm usually the one with the money to lend, so if I need money, I know I can't go to most of my friends cuz they prolly still owe me money lol. I'm not mad at them for this and it doesnt define our friendships, its just an observation. [the only folks who would get offended by reading that are those who are insecure about their material possessions/offerings and/or those who resent that I dont ask for anything]. Two, I do for self. That is how I was raised and that is how I live my life. I am learning how to push this aside, having someone in my life who loves doing nice things for me. It is still hard, but it is finally nice to have someone in my life who can do things for me.
My brithday was a turning point for me. I woke up and decided I was no longer tolerating bullshit. I want to say that I dont know why it was that day, but I do. I was entering the 26th year of my life, a quarter of a century behind me, and I knew I wanted the next quarter to be different. I wanted to regain and maintain control of my life. I knew that some drastic changes had to be made and some weights and burdens had to be removed.
Some of the changes I decided I would make:
1. Stop taking on the burdens of everyone around me. This means that although I feel bad that some people might be going through hard times or struggles, I cannot save them by myself so I need to stop wearing myself out trying to do so. I have had some friends get into some bad situations and when I look back at how I responded, I realized I took on entirely TOO much and for people who, I have since realized, would never do the same in return.
2.Put myself first. This has been hard for me because for the longest time, I never considered myself worthy of being put first, not even in my own life. I think certain personalities sensed that in me and were drawn to me because of it. The types of personalities that never want to do shit for anyone, the types of personalities that are full of excuses as to why they can't do XYZ. They see me, the one who asks for nothing but gives everything, and they love it, take advantage of it.
3.Stop being afraid of real love. I spent the last few years convincing myself that what I felt for certain people was love, when I knew, in reality, it wasn't. It was a mirror image of love, the image reflected from a battered soul. The "love" was doomed before it began. It took a long while to recognize this. Things I felt for all of the men I'd been involved with, wasn't real. It was nothing more than the hopes and fantasies of a lost woman, seeking something to fill the void in her soul. I learned that I could not fill that void with anything or anyone external. I had to look within myself for the cure to that emptiness.
4. Be real with myself and others. Growing up with a lesbian mother and her lover at a time when it was not yet acceptable taught me how to conceal certain aspects of my life from others. I came to be a pro at this. There were certain aspects of my personality, certain things I've done or experienced, that I kept to myself, mainly out of fear of how others would look at me or accept me. I've since come out of the proverbial closet and I have begun to share more of myself and my life experiences with others. I have never felt so free and I am free to be me. What's better is that I am learning that the people who care most about me love me still and are still by my side. Yes, some have fallen off, some have grown distant or have outright left, but I knew that would happen. Some folks cannot handle certain things about others. The second part of this was that I began to realize that I was censoring myself around certain people. This doesnt work for me. i dont care what ANYONE says, you should not have to walk on eggshells around your "Friends". You should be able to say whatever is on your mind and not fear that they will take personal offense or fear that you will rub them the wrong way. True friends don't get stuck on that nonsense. With someone people, I was like "Ok, I cant tell her this" or "I cant say this to him or he will start his whining" and that became a problem for me.
5.Get rid of the dead weight. This is probably the hardest, but it is the most necessary. There are just some people and issues that are dead weight that need not be carried around any longer. If people are not in support of my happiness and forward progress, than why are they in my life? I need people around me who support me, listen to me, keep it real with me not out of jealousy or resentment, but because they love me and KNOW me well enough to keep me grounded. Anytime you realize that 90% of the conversations you have with someone is about negative things, problems, issues, struggles, etc. that is a problem. Where is the positivty? Where is the light? I know we all go through bad times, but DAMN. There are beautiful things going on in the world and we need not wallow in or dwell upon the bad things. I am always working on keeping my shit together and I like being around people who are handling business the same way. Am I wrong because I like to be around people who aren't broke all of the time? Am I wrong because sometimes I want to do something other than go to a club and drink/dance? Am I wrong because I like being around people who smile and wish me happiness when I speak of my relationship rather than being around people who second-guess, doubt, or figuratively roll their eyes? Am I wrong for wanting to be around people who aspire for the better things in life? People who arent content with the status quo?
I have started narrowing my focus. I want to get married. I want to be a mommy. I want to continue to work with the homeless population. I want to write books. I want to raise beautiful black children full of love and pride and talent. I want to have my friends and his friends come and visit our home and feel welcomed as part of our family. I want our village to thrive and grow together.
We shall see how things work out. All one can do is hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Danjaruz Haiku:
I don't understand
Why folks act the way they do
Blah, What can I do?
posted by MBT4679 at 6/19/2005 04:47:00 PM
1 Comments:
I dont see a thing wrong with any of it. You'll still come to the rescue but you won't let anyone grab you around the neck and drown the both of you...accidentally or on purpose. As a human service worker if you don't come to terms with that, you'll burn out quicker than a light bulb from the dolla sto.
Congratulations. Some people never figure it out.
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