sugar honey iced tea
Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I just got a lot of shit on my mind. I have been spending a lot of time lately to myself, well, sort of. I have been retreating into the recesses of my mind and soul and I have been thinking things over and over. It seems to be something I am really good at. I question what other things I am good at. I question a lot of things, always have, but maybe even moreso recently. I have too much time on my hands, I know that much.
One thing I know for sure:
IM BORED
Ok, so this is coming from the woman who found "peace" when she was taking 5 classes, working 2 jobs, running a newspaper, directing a play, and sitting on the boards of a few organizations. This, for me, was peaceful. I didnt have time to think about anything, which, for me, was excellent. I feared bad thoughts, feared things would resurface and haunt me. I ran, ran fast into being busy. I kept myself busy so I would never have anytime to think.
Now, I'm in the so-called "real" world, and I'm bored, out of my mind. Not that I am not happy with life and the way things are going, because I am. I think things are settling in nicely. But that is just it. Settling in. I think of Jello when I think of that idea of "settling in". Everything all nice and molded, only jiggling slightly. I thought that I could cure my boredom by going out, hanging out at clubs or parties, making "friends". I realized that was not good enough because I was around people who did nothing to stimulate my mind, and I knew I was not a party person. There is more to life than drinking and dancing to music, music that I didn't even really like. Again, I was running, trying to lose myself and escape the thoughts and memories.
I need something more to do. I thought about going back to school, but I cannot afford it right now. Besides, I am not exactly sure what I want to study anyway. My job isn't exciting, though the pay is solid. I wish I could do more direct social service, something more hands on. I need to work on that, though it might require taking a major pay cut.
Ok so it is HOT. Anyone who knows me, knows I do NOT like the summertime. UGHHHH. Im fat and this heat is working against me. The only thing I love about this time of year though is the sun's wonderful work on my skin. I love to get tans. YES, i said it!! A Black woman who intentionally goes into the sun for extended periods of time to get DARKER. I've always wished I had darker skin, or at least more even-toned skin, and the sun works miracles for me. So I don't mind suffering in the sun for a few hours a day to get that much-desired suntan.
I think I am scared of real success. I think I am scared of completing things. Like this book, I think deep inside I am terrified of finishing, because then I have to go to the next step. And what is that? That people might actually enjoy my stories? That I might have to write more? Or that people will hate them and I will be a complete failure? I think I can live with that because failure is always something I prepare myself for. I cannot say, though, that I prepare for success. If it comes, then it comes. If not, oh well. That's always been my thing.
Believe it or not, I dont think I am that great of a writer. I do not think of myself as a poet, as I do not like writing poetry. I think I'm an effective poet, if there ever were such a thing. I think that, if asked, I could write a really great poem, but that is simply because I understand the mechanics and what should happen in a poem, not necessarily because I have a passion for writing poetry. Ironically, I find that a lot of people who have passion for writing poetry... well, they suck.
I want to record a rock album. Well rock/folk I guess. Im a big fan of the Tracy Chapman, Kina, Cree Summer, Res, Meshell N'degeocello school of music. These chics kick ass. If I recorded anything, it would be something similar to their styles. This over-stylized R&B stuff gets on my nerves most of the time. It sounds so ... well, the same. I hate that. I hate monotony. I hate routine and sameness. is that a word?
Could I be manic-depressive? I have depressive and manic episodes. According to the books, and my symptoms, I could very well be. This isnt good. Bipolar is not the new black. What to do what to do? No docs, no meds. I need Jesus. Mary and Joseph too.
Am I rambling too much? If you have gotten this far, maybe not.
The Secret Life Of Plants is a wonderful, yet slept on, song by Stevie Wonder. So is The Joy Inside My Tears. Listen people, we really need to step our music game up. We sleep on so many songs, so much great music, so many amazing artists whose crates include jewels that we overlook. We settle for this trash today. I challenge everyone to take a well-known artist of the past and research/buy/download songs from one of their lesser-known albums and find the true jewels. I am sure there are far better songs than any of the nonsensical songs we hear today.
anyway im done.
I just got a lot of shit on my mind. I have been spending a lot of time lately to myself, well, sort of. I have been retreating into the recesses of my mind and soul and I have been thinking things over and over. It seems to be something I am really good at. I question what other things I am good at. I question a lot of things, always have, but maybe even moreso recently. I have too much time on my hands, I know that much.
One thing I know for sure:
IM BORED
Ok, so this is coming from the woman who found "peace" when she was taking 5 classes, working 2 jobs, running a newspaper, directing a play, and sitting on the boards of a few organizations. This, for me, was peaceful. I didnt have time to think about anything, which, for me, was excellent. I feared bad thoughts, feared things would resurface and haunt me. I ran, ran fast into being busy. I kept myself busy so I would never have anytime to think.
Now, I'm in the so-called "real" world, and I'm bored, out of my mind. Not that I am not happy with life and the way things are going, because I am. I think things are settling in nicely. But that is just it. Settling in. I think of Jello when I think of that idea of "settling in". Everything all nice and molded, only jiggling slightly. I thought that I could cure my boredom by going out, hanging out at clubs or parties, making "friends". I realized that was not good enough because I was around people who did nothing to stimulate my mind, and I knew I was not a party person. There is more to life than drinking and dancing to music, music that I didn't even really like. Again, I was running, trying to lose myself and escape the thoughts and memories.
I need something more to do. I thought about going back to school, but I cannot afford it right now. Besides, I am not exactly sure what I want to study anyway. My job isn't exciting, though the pay is solid. I wish I could do more direct social service, something more hands on. I need to work on that, though it might require taking a major pay cut.
Ok so it is HOT. Anyone who knows me, knows I do NOT like the summertime. UGHHHH. Im fat and this heat is working against me. The only thing I love about this time of year though is the sun's wonderful work on my skin. I love to get tans. YES, i said it!! A Black woman who intentionally goes into the sun for extended periods of time to get DARKER. I've always wished I had darker skin, or at least more even-toned skin, and the sun works miracles for me. So I don't mind suffering in the sun for a few hours a day to get that much-desired suntan.
I think I am scared of real success. I think I am scared of completing things. Like this book, I think deep inside I am terrified of finishing, because then I have to go to the next step. And what is that? That people might actually enjoy my stories? That I might have to write more? Or that people will hate them and I will be a complete failure? I think I can live with that because failure is always something I prepare myself for. I cannot say, though, that I prepare for success. If it comes, then it comes. If not, oh well. That's always been my thing.
Believe it or not, I dont think I am that great of a writer. I do not think of myself as a poet, as I do not like writing poetry. I think I'm an effective poet, if there ever were such a thing. I think that, if asked, I could write a really great poem, but that is simply because I understand the mechanics and what should happen in a poem, not necessarily because I have a passion for writing poetry. Ironically, I find that a lot of people who have passion for writing poetry... well, they suck.
I want to record a rock album. Well rock/folk I guess. Im a big fan of the Tracy Chapman, Kina, Cree Summer, Res, Meshell N'degeocello school of music. These chics kick ass. If I recorded anything, it would be something similar to their styles. This over-stylized R&B stuff gets on my nerves most of the time. It sounds so ... well, the same. I hate that. I hate monotony. I hate routine and sameness. is that a word?
Could I be manic-depressive? I have depressive and manic episodes. According to the books, and my symptoms, I could very well be. This isnt good. Bipolar is not the new black. What to do what to do? No docs, no meds. I need Jesus. Mary and Joseph too.
Am I rambling too much? If you have gotten this far, maybe not.
The Secret Life Of Plants is a wonderful, yet slept on, song by Stevie Wonder. So is The Joy Inside My Tears. Listen people, we really need to step our music game up. We sleep on so many songs, so much great music, so many amazing artists whose crates include jewels that we overlook. We settle for this trash today. I challenge everyone to take a well-known artist of the past and research/buy/download songs from one of their lesser-known albums and find the true jewels. I am sure there are far better songs than any of the nonsensical songs we hear today.
anyway im done.
posted by MBT4679 at 7/12/2005 03:43:00 PM
1 Comments:
Bored- I am with you on the bored thing. I also went through the same thing the queen did. I finished my Masters in 2003. And for those 3 years I moved (from Woodhaven to where I grew up, Queens Village), I had a boyfriend and best friends that kept me partying, travelling, and kept my social life very active, I taught college classes and I took classes for my masters...6-9 credits each semester.
Needless to say I had a full plate. I loved it, and just like you I had no time to think.
Well all of that came to an end at the end of 2003. I had already finished my degree, stopped teaching, boyfriend died, I withdrew from many friends, and I was settled into my apartment. I now had the boring life.
I changed it. Now I have reclaimed an active social life, I never stopped travelling, still no boyfriend (but thats a good thing for now), I take "personal enrichment" classes like my swimming lessons and I'm going to take a class learning "the hustle" and I'm always finding new things to get into. Find what pleases you and go for it!
Bipolar=door#1...Yeah, me too, I think I'm bipolar sometimes. Like last week when I was havin the blahs all week... and yes bipolar is the new black. I know more black folk that done gone nutty than ever before.
Thinking-thinking is good, being too busy to think allows repression. Thinking about all you've been through and bringing out your ghosts/demons are the only way to prevent door #1.
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