Chicago Bound

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So, I'm going on vacation this Friday. Let's not even talk about how they told me, at my job, that I have 9 vacation days left to take before August 15th. People who know me, and my work attendance, are probably shocked, awed, and amazed. But anyway, I have this Friday and next Tuesday off. Monday is Amerikkka's Independence Day. [Yes, coloreds, let us not forget that the same crackers who fought for freedom and Independence kept us enslaved, and made justifications as to why we shouldn't be freed] So that gives me a 5-day vacation, yet I only used 2 vacation days. Ahh well.

Anyway, I'm headed to Chicago. Why Chicago? Well some months ago, I started branching out and reading the words of other people [basically cuz I was bored at work, not because I particularly cared what anyone else had to say], and in doing that, I have become somewhat familiar with a number of bloggers. Actually, let me say that I have become familiar with the WORDS of a number of bloggers.

While I think that what I call the "Black Blogger Brigade" is somewhat plastic, there are a few people who SEEM to have some sense of reality off of their computers, and could possible be cool to be around for a good time. I noticed that one in particular mentioned having some type of celebration for his birthday and I decided that I wanted to check him out and help him celebrate. I'm all about the road trips. Originally, I was supposed to be headed to New Orleans, but I rallied the troops and said "Let's go to Chi". Next thing I know, there is some sort of mad convention of the "BBB" in Chicago. Hmmm ok. Whatever works, lol. The Taste of Chicago is also this coming weekend, so I figured hey, if they turn out to be a bunch of suckas, my friends and I can always eat. Cuz we know big bitches love to eat. All that food is orgasmic *Taking a moment to think about all of that food in one place... *drooling* Ok, Im back*.

So, in preparation for this weekend, I met some members of the "BBB" here in NY. I detailed it here. I don't need to get into the way I felt that night because I'll just get upset lol. Still, it was nice to meet a number of people whose words I'd read occasionally over the preceding months. The only problem is, I know people don't let it all go in their blogs. The very nature of blogging subverts the point of blogging. People should be journaling the truth in their lives, without concern for anyone reading or what anyone will say. Unfortunately, too many bloggers write knowing that people are reading. Some folks write to entertain, some write to keep other appeased, some stop writing because they get bored with jumping through hoops, some people write to keep up with the writing skills of others. In doing this, they remove the pure nature of journaling, and spend their time writing for the consumption of others. This is why I used the word "plastic" earlier. Some folks remind me of R. Kelly, who I believe writes his songs for the video that he plans on shooting, rather than shooting a video for a song he has written. Anytime you make several referrences to other bloggers in your posts, you are in WAY TOO DEEP in this "BBB". Take a step back. Read a few cracker blogs or something. The people in Taiwain got some shit on lock too. Holla at tai pei ting ling bling bling's blog.

For all the reading I have done, I still don't know yall muthafuckas.

I don't know who is a prude, who is a freak, who has common sense, who is a dimwitted twit, who is a culturalist, who hates him/herself, etc. All I know is that some folks like to drink themselves into stupors, some folks have babymama drama, some folks are broke as hell, and damn near all of the women are sitting around waiting for the perfect man to come along. In the meantime, in between time, they adapt "blog-hubbies" and have "blog weddings" which is beyond any rational concept I can wrap my mind around and grasp.

Yeah, I said it. That shit is GAY. Emancipate yourself from blog-slavery because shit is getting pathetic. I don't write to offend, but I write with the understanding that my writing might offend. Two tears in a bucket. You dont have to sit on the same bench with me LOL.

Look, I'm not a shit-starter. Really I am not. I just try to keep it as real as possible, or my perception of reality, especially if I'm going to be meeting folks. There are a couple of folks I have spoken with "behind the scenes" [Just by saying behind the scenes shows what I am talking about]. Some people seem to be down with my idea of fun. You all know who you are LOL. [YOU betta link me up with some onions, ok? and YOU know who YOU are! LMAO] Some of the ladies and gents, maybe a handful, feel me on avoiding bullshit and pretenses. Yeah, I graduated from college. Yeah, I live on my own and I have a great job. No, I'm neither bourgie nor uptight, and I have fun like no one is around. I plan on doing exactly that this weekend.

Ok, ok, who is down for putting some dollaz in G-Strings?? Come on now, who's coming with me? Whoooooooo's coming with me?

So yeah, I need this vacation. I need a break. I need to be in a different space, breath different air, relax, relate, and release with my home girls. Bond with some cool people I have encountered, but with whom I haven't had much time to spend. I have been to Chi a number of times, having been involved with a couple of men out there. This time, I'm not going on a mission to get some dick, but rather on a mission to chill. Got my plane ticket in check, car rental in check, hotel reservation in check. Now I just need to get my hurr did ["I'll keep my hair fixed"] and do my laundry.

Ghetto Love= man breaking his woman off with some money to get her hurr did, just cuz he wants his baby to look good. THAT is thug lovin' right thurr.["If I want it. . when I ask you (you provide it)"]

Ghetto Matrimony= a "nigga" paying his "bitch's" essential bills [i.e. rent, light/gas, cable, cell phone]

Let me say this though. If folks pull that two-hour-late shit again... Danja is ripping new cyber assholes. No one is safe lol. I will take pictures and talk about you. I don't even know half of these people, and I'm not pressed. I'm sure that folks are making rounds, trying to catch up on other folks' blogs, and if they are reading this, that is probably why they are even here. *wink* I'mma have fun. That's all that matters.

OK, on another note. Papi came home last night from a long business trip. ["Baby I see you workin hard, I wanna let you know I'm proud,let you know that I admire what you do."] Missed him terribly, but he brought back 'souvenirs' (sp?). Cleaned up his house for him, had myself sexy-looking and sweet-smelling, and I saved him the big piece of chicken[ "What ya wanna eat boo? Let me feed you."]. Welcomed him home the way a loving, catering, devoted woman should welcome her man home. ["When you come home late tap me on my shoulder I'll roll over. baby I heard you..I'm here to serve you"] Fell in love, yet again, with this man. I try not to write too much about him, because in some ways, I keep what is ours, ours. But he is such an essential part of my life that not writing about him feels wrong. So every now and then, I might let a snippet peak through.

Anyone know where I can get one of them there uhh uterus realignments? Pep Boys? Maaco? something?

he he he.

Camera Phone Portraits

Ok So I'm no photographer or anything right, but let me tell you, I can WORK a camera phone. There are some examples on the right side of my blog. All but one of those pictures was taken by me with my camera phone.



Here are some examples of my "work":

Miscellaneous Portraits...
"Sanctity". This is a picture of a father and daughter, sitting together on the steps of a Manhattan brownstone, on a warm, sunny, Father's Day.






"The Valley". This is a picture of my boobies. Nothing really deep or whatever, except for the valley known as my cleavage. LOL






"Face Drama". This is a picture of my coworker. I thought this was a really great shot, especially since he didnt really pose for it. I called him and he turned around and this was what I got. His stage name is FaceDrama and his website. www.facedrama.com is coming soon.



Self Portraits...



"Darkness". I took a series of flicks on day, in the dark, with only the light of my computer screen shining on me. I was also very sad that day, and when I looked into the mirror, I decided I had to capture the faces I saw staring back at me.




"Frotique". I took this picture at work, capturing the sunlight and my afro. Just a weird pic I took that came out great.







"Thinking About It". This is just another picture I took capturing the sunlight that shines into my office around 3 pm each day.






"Bored." Like the previous two, another picture absorbing the sunlight at work. Clearly, I have nothing better to do at 3pm than take pictures of myself with my camera phone.








Just The Two Of Us...



"We are ---><---". My cat spends a lot of time in my face, so I have tons of pictures of he and I face to face. This is one of my favorites.








"I Got Yo Back". Often, he sleeps on my back or my chest when I am laying down. I decided to capture this since people think I exaggerate.




"Breathless". Another example of how he views my body as his personal bed.





"Couch Potatoes". My cat, Gizmo, loves television. He watches while I work on my computer. Of course, he must be close to his mommy, so he sits over my shoulder, giving me room to work.

The Goings On

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
No more obstacles in my way

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

A few updates in the world of Danja:

1. I've finally found a purpose for my website other than this blog. LOL. I'm paying for it, might as well make use of it. So, what I am going to do is use my website to sell my short stories. I figure I can charge $2 or $3 via paypal and people can download my mini E-books of my short stories. Which brings me to...

2. My writer's block has been lifted. Some of you know that I started this blog primarily because I had severe writer's block and I needed a space to exercise my mind and my writing, in hopes that something substantial would come about. Well, it has and right now, I am working on the first story in a series of short stories. The stories are about different women in different walks of life, and each story takes place anywhere from an hour to a month out of their lives. Just a glimpse at the life of these types of women. So when they are done and copywritten, I will have them available for download online. I hope you all will check them out.

3. I just did the fashion show I told you all about a few weeks ago. It was amazing!! It was a lot of fun, and it was a great experience. I got to wear some wonderful pieces. The only thing is that I realized that this is not for me. There was so much weave, so many fake eye lashes (they were a requirement), so much make up piled on, so many body shapers, girdles, etc, all of these things that someone countered what I felt the point of the show was: to show that all women are beautiful. Yet, here we were, creating these illusions of women that we weren't. Initially, they wanted me to wear an afro weave or wig, and I could not agree to that. That goes against everything I believe in, man. That's like having loc extensions. YUCK!!!! So anyway, I jsut made sure my mom blow dried my hair as far as it would go and I had the hairstylist bobby pin a flower in. Unfortunately, my mother got pictures of everyone else BUT me. The only picture she took of me was at the end after Id changed into my regular clothes. She got a video of me but the perspective was terrible and it didn't come out well. Oh well. I just don't know if I can do this all over again. People used to ask me about modeling and I said it wasn't me. It is really for women and men who are into that stuff. There are some things I will do because I believe in what I am doing. Anytime I get into a situation where I just don't feel that it represents who MICHELLE is, I pass. I wish them all the success though because they are doing big things for full-figured women and it is cool to bring attention to the beauty of big women. The modeling thing just isn't for me.

Oh and in the shuffle of yesterday's chaos, my iPod turned up missing which I am TOO through about. I know exactly where I put it; in the zipped portion of my suitcase. This morning reached in to get it and charge it up...GONE. Not there. Now Im not one to accuse anyone of stealing, so Im considering all possible options and possibilities. Could be in my mom's car, maybe it slipped out. Maybe someone found it and is holding it. I sent out an email to all the folks involved and now I am hoping that someone contacts me and has it.

4. I suffered some type of hand injury last week and I couldn't really do much for a few days without serious pain. Went to the hospital, sat there for 6 hours for them to tell me that they didn't know what was wrong with it. Said it could be strained ligaments, carpal tunnel syndrome, or arthritis. *blank stare* For the first time in a very long time, I took some pain medications because the pain got so bad I couldn't sleep and I just sat there crying. Couldnt grip, twist, snap, write, type, nothing. Ended up doping myself up on some type of liquid pain meds and the swelling and inflammation went down and my hand began to feel 1000x better, thank God. Ended up on a short medical leave and now I'm back at work.

5. Muthafuckas are crazy. That's all I can say. I'm so glad my eyes have opened and I have allowed myself to be enlightened by Truth. Folks don't even deserve the shine for me to go on about it, so I'mma just keep it short and simple.

6. My first cat, Symone, passed away last night. She got really skinny over the past few weeks, as she began to eat less and less. I went over there Saturday night and saw her looking skeletal and such. It made me so sad, I told my mom we have to put her down. She could barely walk a few steps without stopping to lay down. She came over to me and laid by my feet most of the night. After the show, my mom came home, and she collapsed. They took her to the hospital, doctors rushed her in. Her heart stopped. It was as though she waited for me to come home one last time to say goodbye, cuz she spent a lot of time next to me. My mom is really distraught. I got Symone when I was 11, she been in the fam for 15 years. Now Symone Tyffany is in Kitty Heaven. *pours out Diet Coke for Monie*

Black Venus, Brown Mars

This was posted in a discussion group I am in:


This is going to piss some people off but when people are pissed you get to see the real them and I hope it makes people think. Recently I wrote a post asking why SOME black women were not as vocal when it came to praising the black man. as they were when putting us down. There were many responses, we abandoned them, messed up their credit. we are cheaters, we don't take care of our kids, we beat them, etc. etc.

Question if we black men are so bad why do black women get upset when they see a black man with a white or hispanic woman? Before you even ask Yes, I am married to a black woman and no I have never dated a white girl.

My response [because you know I have to have a response lol]


You are assuming of course that all black women get mad at seeing brothers with women of other races well you want to know why SOME get upset? because they feel abandoned, which is something you mentioned. they begin to feel insecure and feel that they are not good enough for these men, and they feel since there are enough problems between black men and women, we shouldnt be running off to the next race as a solution. Instead, we ought to be working through our issues

check it

in case anyone has forgotten

less than 150 years ago, which is about 7 generations, give or take, we were legally enslaved. we existed as property in a system that had no value for our humanity, which meant things like emotions, love, pain, sorrow, trust, loyalty, understanding, commitment, etc were all but systematically destroyed. Such systematic tactics were employed to guarantee that we would remain enslaved, not only physically but mentally.

Now we are here, 140 years to the day almost since the last slaves received word that they were free, but they forgot to tell their children that. Why do I say his? Because we still exist for the love of the white man. This manifests itself most apparently in our interpersonal relationships. The way black women and black men interact comes directly from this inability to shake the bonds of mental slavery.

Why dont black couples go to couples therapy or counseling the way they should? If they do, most of the time it is through church and often biased. We have serious personal demons that we need to battle alone and as units, couples, partners, etc. We dont do this. so all of our unresolved issues go unaddressed and we lash out at each other. We take out our frustrations and angst out on the people we need most: each other. Rather than stick around, we run away. More often men will run away before women because men are problem solvers by nature, and unfortunately in this country, there is very little the Black Man can do to solve the problems that affect himself and his Black Woman. This frustrates the Black Man and he begins to feel helpless, incompetant, and less of a man. Rather than stick around, have this thrown in his face and continue to feel this day in and day out, he will leave. He cannot handle it.

The Black Woman looks at him as though he abandoned her and their family, not fully nderstanding his deeply-rooted helplessness. She doesn't understand why he might speak to her in such harsh tones, or why he yells or why he seems to take the anger of the day out on her. Neither one of them thinks of seeking outside help. They give up so easily, develop a resentment towards each other, and clash repeatedly.

The Black Woman then has to take on the all-inclusive role as head of the family, and when the Black Man has gotten himself together and feels he is ready to, and worthy of the responsibility of taking care of his family, the Black Woman looks at him unsympatheticly and tells him, in not so many polite terms, that she does not NEED him, that when he left, she had no choice but to do it herself, and he isnt a necessity. There is very little he can do to penetrate that wall of strength she had to build when he left, and again, he begins to feel helpless. Deep inside, she DOES need him, but how do you open up and allow yourself to become vulnerable to that very person who abandoned you in the first place?

He is helpless, yes again. She is strong, yet insecure inside. He wants to be there for her, show her that he didnt mean to leave, that she can rely on him now. She is scared to trust him, but inside she needs him. They are at an impasse, neither one really knowing what Love is, because Love was beaten out of them as they were tied up to trees and forced to pump out vanilla colored babies. Love, of course, is the answer that will heal all of their wounds, but they cannot even recognize it as that salve.



**note to readers: The "Black Man" and "Black Woman" are representations of our people as concepts, theories, archetypes. The situations outlined are not to be viewed as specific, literal events, but rather circumstances that come to pass over time***

What yall think about this? all comments are welcomed

Once Again It's On

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"I 'member the day they brought home my baby brother
Before cancer and Newports took my grandmother
'Member free cheese
Snatching patches from Lee's
I 'member the message from Furious Five MCs
I 'member block parties and parks jams before clubbing
Member cold nights, heating the house with the oven
I member way back when everything was "fresh"
Wouldn't trade it for nothing, that's what I remember best"

Ok so the Euphonics Redefined album is not officially being released until mid July, however I supported the cause and bought my copy ahead of time. It is available on CD Baby, check the link in my link section.

Well they finally updated the website too [good job Reem]
so go check it: Euphon.net

There are some downloads on there now, a short bio, an explanation of the group's musical goals and philosophies, etc.

Oh and I might be biased, but I will soon write an objective review of this album. Check for that coming soon.

In the meantime, purchase a copy of the album. Why? Cuz chances are you live somewhere where there are only major chains that want to oversaturate your musical space with Yin Yang Twins and Lil John [and the new milennium(sp?) coons, Big Sam and Lil Bo].

A Daughter's Love

Danjaruz Depiction:



Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I want my unborn son to be just like my daddy
I want my husband to be just like my daddy

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
My daddy had to work on Father's Day.

That sucks doesn't it? I mean if there is one day that fathers should have off, it should be father's day. There was, however, a very good reason why my father was at work today. He worked today so he could be off NEXT Sunday.

Next Sunday is the day of my fashion show.

See, this is why I love my daddy. He would rather work on Father's Day Sunday, the day he should be treated to breakfast lunch and dinner, some cheesy gifts, and love and adoration, than miss the fashion show I'm only doing 3 walks in. He negotiated with his boss to get that day off, even though it is the last Sunday of the month, and the busiest where he works, just so he could come and see his baby in her show.

My dad was never the richest man. He was never the man who would brag and boast about himself and his accomplishments. In fact, the only things I have ever heard my father brag about are his children and his basketball skills. I could have made my father a really sloppy peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a father's day gift, and he would probably call someone and brag about it. Why? because my daddy loves me. I'm his first born and his only daughter. I'm a daddy's girl, and I know it.

I grew up knowing that whatever I wanted, I need only ask my daddy and he would do whatever it took to get it for me. I was just never the kind of kid to ask for much, which further amplified my father's desires to get me anything I wanted. He knew he and my mother had raised a humble child. Though my parents were divorced when I was 5 and life wasn't easy, my dad's presence was always felt in my life. Even during the few years I didn't see him, I always asked people "where is my daddy?" One person said, "If your daddy loved you, he would come see you" to which I responded in all of my precociousness "My daddy loves me!! Your daddy aint shit and he hates you!! My daddy will come see me next week" Sure enough, my parents worked out their differences and my daddy came that next week to see me.

I had shows in boarding school and college, my dad drove distances to sit in an audience for 1.5-2 hours, no matter if I had a lead role or if I'd only done the make-up and hair for a show. He often sat in the back row, not wanting to block anyone's view with his 6'6 frame. He would have a smile that beamed so brightly, it reflected the most pure love on this earth: the love a father has for his daughter.

No, my father isn't perfect. But you couldn't tell me that growing up and even now, I'd tell you I only say that because it is the PC thing to say. My dad is perfect to me. I have always had somewhat of a distance in between myself and my parents, for different reasons, but the distance is still there. I often isolate myself from them. I might speak to my dad once every two weeks, and usually he calls me. My mom calls me every 3 days like clockwork if I dont call her. As I get older, I find I reach out to them less and less. It isnt that I don't love my father. I think it is more because I want to show him that I can do it. I want to show my daddy that I am a big girl. Unfortunately be I 6, 16, or 26, I am still his little girl. Maybe that will change when he walks me down the aisle. =)

He told me that the first complete sentence I uttered to him was "I do it daddy", as I toddled over to the stereo to turn it on and get my 18 month old dance on.

And I CAN do it, mainly because of the distant support I have always gotten from my father. He was overprotective but from a distance. He always dropped jewels of wisdom a few months after I'd already learned them for myself. I always said "I knowwww daddy" and he would be like "Well I dont know what you know, but this is what Im telling you".

He is the person who taught me how to cross the street.

He taught me the importance of never, ever touching any part of my body to a public bathroom.

He showed me the best ways to sneak into movies, since movies cost too damn much to pay tha tmuch for one damn movie.

He showed me how to steer a car by sitting me in between his legs as he hit the gas and I steered. I was 3.

He taught me how to never pull all of my money in one place, but rather divide it up between my shoes, socks, underwear, pockets, and if I must, my wallet.

He showed me how to properly wipe myself, after using his long arms as a potty on the side of the road, in between two open car doors.

He taught me how to be a playa. This was done by spending the night at his house with one live-in girlfriend, meeting up with another one for some money, and then heading to see another for a fun-filled day at a street festival....on her.

He told me that it didn't matter if a man was white, black, green, or a midget, as long as he loved me, he would be alright with my dad.

He is the man who showed me what true rage is, when he almost killed [snapped the neck of]someone else's child who'd thrown a lit pack of firecrackers down my shirt.

Most of all, my father showed me that no matter what I do, where I am, how I am feeling, he will always and forever love his baby girl.

I love you daddy.

B.S.

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Anytime you need a friend
I will be here...
never be alone again
So long, you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever feel lonely
Love will make it alright


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

I havent posted anything new in a week. This is amazing to me, but then again, it really isn't. I started this blog when I was struggling with writer's block. Now the block is so bad, that I can't even blog. Maybe it isnt writer's block, maybe I just have nothing to share? No, that isn't it because there is SO much going on in my mind. Maybe I'm learning how to keep my business to myself. Or at least to the confines of those I trust and those who know me best. Afterall, they are the only ones who really even care what goes on in my life.

Recently, I've encountered a lot of nonsense and bullshit in my life, amongst people who I thought were friends. But see, that is my problem. I believe in people too much. I give everyone the positive eye, the benefit of the doubt, and I hope for the best. It is only when folks abandon me, or turn their backs on me, do I realize that I was the sucker. i realize that I am not on the same level of understanding with people I call "friend" too quickly. I need to work on that.

I go out of my way for people. I mean I REALLY do. SO much so that one of the things people often say when they speak of me is that I was there for them when they needed me or that I went out of my way for them. Well, the one thing I have learned in 2005 and is that the majority of people I have done these things for, have little to no concept of how to return the favor. Well, yes they do. They return it by becoming shady folks who stop talking to me, purposely ignore me, or just act plain ole shitty for NO reason at all. Some people, I have learned, are succubbi, and they are unable to give because they have nothing inside TO give; they have nothing of substance to offer. It is pathetic, really. But it is their reality, and I choose not to be a part of it.

I don't know what happened. If this were the me of the past, I might really care more than I do. I do wonder how folks go from calling you one of their closest friends to not even speaking you, literally overnight, with no explanation, no justification, nothing. When people do things like that, I have to step back and examine the entire situation from all angles. I try to think of what I might have done to warrant such behavior. If I draw a blank there, then I try to think of maybe things going on in their lives that might be contributing to their acting like asses. If I draw a blank there, I simply say two tears in a bucket, fuck it. If they have an issue that is THAT serious that it leads to them ignoring me and acting like shady folks, then it should be an issue serious enough to discuss with me. Since people choose not to do that, fuck it, it can't be that serious. And if it isnt that serious, then why the FUCK are folks acting like that?? Dumb ass cycle, dumb ass actions, dumb ass situations, and I'm taking my leave of it.

So much has changed over the past few months. I have encountered so many different personalities, so many good qualities, so many bad qualities, a pathological liar, a cynic, a sweetheart, a soul sister, a scared soul, an insecure bastard, a confused insecure 'child', the list goes on and on. Being the empathetic individual I am, I often find that one of the first things I do when I meet new folks, I attach myself to their pain. I try to help them through their struggles. Whatever negative is going on, I try my best to help ease that pain. This is how I have always been and it is one of the reasons I am in the social service field. I'm always out to help people.

Never have I done anything expecting something in return. That isnt what I am about. I have sacrificed a lot of myself for people, I have come to realize, do not deserve it. People who do not really understand the reciprocal nature of friendship. Or maybe they are simply people who do not know what to do for someone who seems to be able to handle everything herself. I don't ask anyone for anything material for two reasons. One, I know most of the folks I call friends dont have shit. Lol. I mean seriously. Most of my friends don't have anything worth asking for. I'm usually the one with the money to lend, so if I need money, I know I can't go to most of my friends cuz they prolly still owe me money lol. I'm not mad at them for this and it doesnt define our friendships, its just an observation. [the only folks who would get offended by reading that are those who are insecure about their material possessions/offerings and/or those who resent that I dont ask for anything]. Two, I do for self. That is how I was raised and that is how I live my life. I am learning how to push this aside, having someone in my life who loves doing nice things for me. It is still hard, but it is finally nice to have someone in my life who can do things for me.

My brithday was a turning point for me. I woke up and decided I was no longer tolerating bullshit. I want to say that I dont know why it was that day, but I do. I was entering the 26th year of my life, a quarter of a century behind me, and I knew I wanted the next quarter to be different. I wanted to regain and maintain control of my life. I knew that some drastic changes had to be made and some weights and burdens had to be removed.

Some of the changes I decided I would make:

1. Stop taking on the burdens of everyone around me. This means that although I feel bad that some people might be going through hard times or struggles, I cannot save them by myself so I need to stop wearing myself out trying to do so. I have had some friends get into some bad situations and when I look back at how I responded, I realized I took on entirely TOO much and for people who, I have since realized, would never do the same in return.

2.Put myself first. This has been hard for me because for the longest time, I never considered myself worthy of being put first, not even in my own life. I think certain personalities sensed that in me and were drawn to me because of it. The types of personalities that never want to do shit for anyone, the types of personalities that are full of excuses as to why they can't do XYZ. They see me, the one who asks for nothing but gives everything, and they love it, take advantage of it.

3.Stop being afraid of real love. I spent the last few years convincing myself that what I felt for certain people was love, when I knew, in reality, it wasn't. It was a mirror image of love, the image reflected from a battered soul. The "love" was doomed before it began. It took a long while to recognize this. Things I felt for all of the men I'd been involved with, wasn't real. It was nothing more than the hopes and fantasies of a lost woman, seeking something to fill the void in her soul. I learned that I could not fill that void with anything or anyone external. I had to look within myself for the cure to that emptiness.

4. Be real with myself and others. Growing up with a lesbian mother and her lover at a time when it was not yet acceptable taught me how to conceal certain aspects of my life from others. I came to be a pro at this. There were certain aspects of my personality, certain things I've done or experienced, that I kept to myself, mainly out of fear of how others would look at me or accept me. I've since come out of the proverbial closet and I have begun to share more of myself and my life experiences with others. I have never felt so free and I am free to be me. What's better is that I am learning that the people who care most about me love me still and are still by my side. Yes, some have fallen off, some have grown distant or have outright left, but I knew that would happen. Some folks cannot handle certain things about others. The second part of this was that I began to realize that I was censoring myself around certain people. This doesnt work for me. i dont care what ANYONE says, you should not have to walk on eggshells around your "Friends". You should be able to say whatever is on your mind and not fear that they will take personal offense or fear that you will rub them the wrong way. True friends don't get stuck on that nonsense. With someone people, I was like "Ok, I cant tell her this" or "I cant say this to him or he will start his whining" and that became a problem for me.

5.Get rid of the dead weight. This is probably the hardest, but it is the most necessary. There are just some people and issues that are dead weight that need not be carried around any longer. If people are not in support of my happiness and forward progress, than why are they in my life? I need people around me who support me, listen to me, keep it real with me not out of jealousy or resentment, but because they love me and KNOW me well enough to keep me grounded. Anytime you realize that 90% of the conversations you have with someone is about negative things, problems, issues, struggles, etc. that is a problem. Where is the positivty? Where is the light? I know we all go through bad times, but DAMN. There are beautiful things going on in the world and we need not wallow in or dwell upon the bad things. I am always working on keeping my shit together and I like being around people who are handling business the same way. Am I wrong because I like to be around people who aren't broke all of the time? Am I wrong because sometimes I want to do something other than go to a club and drink/dance? Am I wrong because I like being around people who smile and wish me happiness when I speak of my relationship rather than being around people who second-guess, doubt, or figuratively roll their eyes? Am I wrong for wanting to be around people who aspire for the better things in life? People who arent content with the status quo?

I have started narrowing my focus. I want to get married. I want to be a mommy. I want to continue to work with the homeless population. I want to write books. I want to raise beautiful black children full of love and pride and talent. I want to have my friends and his friends come and visit our home and feel welcomed as part of our family. I want our village to thrive and grow together.

We shall see how things work out. All one can do is hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

Danjaruz Haiku:
I don't understand
Why folks act the way they do
Blah, What can I do?

Purple Reign

Danjaruz Depiction:



Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Tell me who in the house knows about the quake??!

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So last night, DJ Spinna did his 6th Soul Slam party, this edition being Prince (and all his minions) vs Michael Jackson (and family). I went to one before at the Shelter and that one was SO excellent that I knew I couldnt miss this one.

Got there before it started and the line was already really long. But then they began to let people in and the music began bumping and I was ready to go! Before that I had my iPod on and I was playing my own "PVM" mix, and dancing it up like "Biggie Shawty" whut...whuuuuuuuuut!! I knew Id stay off the wall the entire night.


Getting my Biggie Shawty pose on, waiting in line


That party was the BEST party I have been to since the last one I went to about two years ago. THIS is what partying is about. Black or white, all shapes, sizes, gay, straight, bi, trans, hip-hoppers, punk rockers, everyone was in the house, dancing to the sounds of DJ Spinna (who freaked the entire party from his Apple Laptop).

I danced from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. with small breaks in between ONLY because my body was overheating [I'm fat] and my clothes were so drenched with sweat that I had to let them dry off for a bit. It's human nature to need a break, but many people defied that; they didn't stop until they could get enough. But damn if every song wasnt hitting. So much so that I didnt even want to go to the bathroom for fear of missing a great song.

See folks, this is what being a mid-20-something is all about. Im not a big club person or even a big party person. But I love to get lost. Lost in the music, lost in the vibe, lost in the world around me. I dance last night, danced like I had no obligation or care in the world. I found myself getting lost in the sugarwalls of the rhythm and bass of Prince's genius and Michael's innovation. There were times I just closed my eyes, and let the beat carry my body in whatever direction was meant for me. Some songs brought forth emotions I haven't experienced in some time; music truly is cathartic. Tears came to my eyes as I reminisced on my own Christopher Tracy and I realized why doves cry. The dancing machine that he was, he would have loved this party. I thought of my love, away on business [wish he'd taken me with him], wishing he was there to mold his body to mine as darling Nikki grinded. We spoke and if I wasn't his girlfriend, I would not have even answered the phone. I told him how much I loved him. He was happy the lady in his life was having a great time, but as each day passes, Im realizing how incomplete my world is when he is not next to me. I can't help it, if I wanted to, and I wouldnt help it, even if I could. There were sexy muthafuckas and pretty young things abound [even saw this cute Liberian girl, or was she Filipino?], seeking to get off on the redefinition of the pleasure principle. It wasnt about sex, touching, grabbing, hustling, flowing, or folks who always wanna be starting something. Naw, it was all about the good life, good love, and those faint screams of passion.

Good times were had by all. After fighting with disrupted train service, I watched the sun rise as I counted down the number of stops left before I had to stand up and use my semi-immobile legs. Within 3 minutes of locking my apartment door, I was knocked out...zoning, dreaming about you...papi.

Would You Be A Lamb & Get Me A Banana Cognac Beyotch??!!

So I had a GREAT post and fucking IE ate my shit up

bitches!!!

ok lemme see if I can even remember hald of what I wrote. *rolling eyes*

Life has been great lately and I havent had time to come and blog, but I mean everything I think about writing is the EXACT crap I dont like reading on other people's blogs. I dont particularly give a rat's ass about anyone's relationships, sex lives (ok well that is cool but only if you give GRAPHIC details), who is wishing upon a star to be able to fuck who. I could care less, so why should I think anyone is interested in my personal life?

"Like anyone worthy, I am flattered by your fascination with me"

Top 5 Alannis "You Cant Do That On Television" Morrisette:

1. Uninvited
2. Head Over Feet
3. Not The Doctor
4. You Oughta Know
5. Thank You

I mean ok yall read this shit right, so you must dig what I'm saying. Am I engaging enough for you? Well engage this. I'm stuck on the word 'BITCH' and I blame Melanie Dionne Williams for this. She has caused this word to become my pronoun of choice. It is terrible because it reminds me of Philadelphian's use of the word "JAWN". *cringing*

Top 5 things I hate about Philadelphia:

1. "JAWN"-- come up with a new word folks. This is NOT the end all, be all pronoun, ok??!! Ex. "I was at the jawn talking on my jawn right, when this jawn walked by the jawn. So I got out my jawn to get her jawn so I could call her when I got to my jawn later tonight after we come back from the jawn"
SHUT......THE......FUCK.....UP

2. Fashion-- Poor, poor Philly, wedged in between Fashion Epicentre (NYC) and Fashion Hades (DC), suffers from the inability to establish a workable fashion sense. Notice I said "workable" because you had better believe those folks THINK they are doing shit right lol. Philly Chic = "Glamourized" Kuntry Bumpkin. *smh*

3. Loyalty-- Philadelphians are some of the most loyal folks and they will make non-Philadelphians resent every celebrity they produce. This happens because Philly oversaturates its communities with its celebs, thus creating a general resentment towards said people. This happened to me with Musiq Soulchild and Jill Scott. Musiq has since recovered and is one of my fav artists, Jill still suffers. Good thing I loved Boyz II Men pre-Philly habitation.

4. Tackheads-- Why do Philly women think buying a $.99 color-of-the-week clump of hair and tacking it atop one's head is sexy? Oh, wait, because it matches your belt, handbag, shoes, tongue ring, bracelets, and car...it is sexy? Naw bitch [there goes that word again], its not.

5. Temple University-- Hate to tell ya, but YALL SUCK!! Yeah I said it!!! Folks STAY on campus, at our parties, eating all our food, but complaining about shit. Get ya OWN relays and then we can talk. UPENN Beyotchessssssssss!!!

Fuck you very much Melanie for making me cuss. The lord know my heart.

So, yeah, life is plantanos, for real. Got my plane ticket to Chicago, got the rental car and the hotel, my girls are getting their shit on point. We are really about to do this shit MAN!! The Taste of Chicago, The Blogger "convention", and Chicago Pride. Bung, bung!! Check it out, boom... shit is plantanos...

So Aaron McGruder was talking about expanding slang right. If you don't know who that is, stop reading my blog right now because you do NOT deserve to be here. Anyway, *aww shit "Glacier's of Ice" just came on...head nod* people know I say, "That's bananas!" a lot. Well, Mr McGruder suggested that you take an already recognizeable slang term, and upgrade it:

Ex. "Dough" which means "Money" [if you didnt know that, GET OUT NOW!]
Step up dough one notch and you get Pillsbury. In a sentence:
I need to stay on my grind so I can stack my Pillsbury
Ok so Papi was like, yeah baby I got you... that's plantanos!!
Told Mel, it caught on. Plantanos!!! I tell ya!

Top 5 Slang phrases I use regularly:

1. "Word"--I never let this one go from the 80s. Didnt have to resurrect it; it never left.
2. "Hot Shit"-- yeah let's think about this shit for a minute. Hot... Shit. We use this to describe something good. 'Yo, that's that hot shit right there' and it means that something is really GOOD, right? But 'Yo, that's a hot shitty mess' means it is bad, right? Whatever, I say "Hot Shit" a lot.
3. "Hot Titus"-- if you don't know, you won't know.
4. "Aight"-- Don't we all use this? Isnt it in the dictionary? LOL
5. "Fuck me, Daddy"-- ok, so maybe that isn't slang, but I say that shit a LOT!! LMAO

So can my man and my ace never crack on ME cuz I'm enjoying a mini-music movie marathon? I mean, can't I skip to the music scenes of Glitter, Purple Rain, Under The Cherry Moon, Sarafina, and Graffiti Bridge if I want to? Can't I get up and dance? Can he NEVER throw a quarter at me cuz he had no singles? Can that quarter never be followed up by a Metrocard??? And then can he not tell her that there are 6 rides left on the Metrocard?? I hate them both. For real. I do.


Ok so I have some work to do, I'll holla!!

"Euphonics" Available Online

So Euphon's CD is available online for purchase

Click Here to purchase the CD and preview tracks
[I presonally recommend "Member", which is my favorite track]

This means you NEED to buy it and suport these independent hip-hop artists.

I dont care if you like it or them or not, it's only $10 and they are Black.

Buy it or die!

*LMAO*

Then when you hear it and find yaself nodding ya head to it, find yaself liking it, come back and we can discuss your fav tracks, your fav MC (Slim or Mr. Fantastik), what lyrics you liked most, and how much you support these cats.

Peace

The Market is closed...

Danjaruz Demeanor:

Gazing at the stars circling my head...


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype
We'll tiptoe to the sun
And do thangs I know you like
I think I'm in love...again


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You ever get the feeling that this is "IT"?

"I never thought that love would ever happen to me. Only in my imagination, my fantasies..."

I have not written about a very important part of my life, I believe, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. A victim of multiple heartaches, disappointments, and bad "relationships", I'd all but given up on the possibility of finding someone for whom I could truly care about, and to whom I would be willing and able to give 100% of myself. Fear is a powerful force, and this force consumed my existence.

"Want to get a little closer but I promised myself that I would never give my heart away again."

I have been involved in SO many situations. Everything from the unrequited "love", being cheated on, being physically and emotionally abused, "I can't give you what you need" but I'll keep fucking you, "I cant be in a relationship right now" but we can carry on like we are in one (dating, sexing, meeting family and friends), "Im not ready for a relationship right now" but I want to see you in private and have sex, but in public not acknowledge you as anything more than a friend, the men who don't want me but want no one else to have me so they played the emotional roller coaster shit anytime it seemed like someone else was into me, you name it, I've experienced it. Each one took a lot out of me, but each one taught me at least one valuable lesson. I came to realize that I am a very giving person, often giving too much of myself to people who don't even come close to deserving ANY of me. I always seek the good in people and focus on that, even at the sacrifice of myself. This has led to my being hurt repeatedly by people, situations, and my own inability to protect myself.

"I've been there so many times, I should know better but I can't stop what I feel when you're next to me."

What made me think this new situation was going to be different? I didn't "think" anything. I "KNEW" it was. And it is. See, I came to understand the power of God in the last year or so. I was in a relationship, my first "real" relationship (meaning the man acknowledged me in public as his girlfriend, made a committment to me, took me out, talked about the future, met each other's family and friends, etc). Halfway into this relationship, this man cheated on me with a woman he'd been seeing before me. This was especially hard for me because I put a lot of faith into him. I think I had more faith in him than I had love for him. He was "stable" or appeared to be: church deacon, steady employment, no kids, never been married, big plans for the future. Since I'd given up on ever experiencing true love, I resigned myself to settling down with whatever man could provide a stable future. That was the worst mistake I made.

"Can you...feel a... brand new dayyyyy"

Fast forward to April 6, 2005. My 26th birthday. A day that will forever be emblazened in my mind. I spent a quarter of a century experiencing more of the bad aspects of life than the good. I'd begun to think that God had planned for me to suffer. I don't know what I did, but I figured it must have been bad to be punished this way. When I woke up that morning, I had an epiphany. I knew that my life was going to be different from that day forward. I decided that I would get on track with achieving the goals I set for myself. I decided that I would no longer allow myself to give more than was deserved. I decided that I am a beautiful woman who deserves the best out of life and no one was going to pull me down. The day seemed so bright. I got the phone calls, the Happy Birthday songs, the love from those close to me.

Then I received an email. I get a lot of emails from men (because of the work I do, people have access to my yahoo profile and email address) that I usually delete because they are the usual corny b.s. about how "fine" I am or full of slang and misspelled words, etc. This one was different for some reason.

Hello allow me to introduce myself:
My name is __________, I'm a __ year old tall blk man
living in Harlemworld. I saw your profile in the _______
group and I would have to say I was impressed. Now I
can't say too much about your personality (which I'm
sure is just as beautiful as the package it comes in)
but I'd like to get to know you. A smile like yours is
very hard to resist, what can I say?
---_________

"we don't represent the streets, we represent the
folks in 'em"

Ok, yeah I know y'all are thinking..."what's so special about that?" What caught me was the quotation at the bottom of the email AND the fact that he was honest about what his attraction was to me. Too often, men say things like "you look sweet" or "you look like an intelligent woman". I'm like huh?? Whatever. I hate when folks make assumptions about my personality based on my looks. Anyway, something told me to respond to this email, which is SO not my Danja style lol. Especially since his screenname is one that I would consider deplorable. New day, New year, New approach to people. I replied. And so began the rest of my life...

"I remember the very first day that I saw him, I found myself immediately intrigued by him. Its almost like I knew this man from another life, like maybe back when I was his husband and he was my wife"

I do not think it is possible to have any more in common with someone than the things I have in common with him. What we realized from the jump was that we have the most minute things in common, things that we are like "I didn't think anyone else was into this like me". He is a true musical being, like me. We both know that if we were trapped on a deserted island and had to have an essential item, aside from each other, it would be music. If we could only do one thing for 18 hours each day, it would be listen to music. I decided after my ex that I couldn't compromise on this characteristic in a man. We have the same movies memorized, in fact, we pretty much love all of the same movies. We have the same favorite musical artists in common. We are both writers, thespians, and performers. He went to the school I rejected (lol) and we get into college battles. [This is key because I usually date men who didn't go to college and end up battling resentment or other issues. It is nice to find someone who can relate to the "college experience" as it was a MAJOR part of my life]. We were both so scared and scarred from previous relationships, that we could understand each other's reservations. Our first few dates involved us chilling in the park, listening to music, doing old school dances, talking about each others families, talking about our goals and dreams. He wants to start his own school, I want to be a school teacher. We both work in careers dealing with the HIV/AIDS population and we are passionate about our work. We are both code-switchers, meaning we can walk into any environment, boardroom or block party, and fit in. We both have the same views on sex and sexuality, the expression of it, and other interesting nuances. [I'm sure you all know im a perv by now lol]. We are both fire signs, so we are both overly passionate about everything. When we talk, we finish each others sentences, but we have strong opinions that we don't back down from. We have had disagreements, yes. Like he says Q-Tip is the better MC when I think Phife is. [Yeah, I know... he is BUGGING LOL] When we disagree for a prolonged period of time (more than 30 seconds), it's like "ok Phife" or "ok Q-Tip" and we move on. What is most important is that we both have been through very similar life experiences, have learned the same lessons, and want to apply all we have learned when dealing with "The One". Allow me to introduce you to my Neo...

"Then I look into your eyes, then I realize that all I need is you in my life...cuz I've never felt this way about loving...never felt so good, baby"

Certain. That is the word he used to describe how he felt about me. He said he felt certain that this was meant to be. I had to admit that I felt the same way. See, what I have come to realize is this: I needed all of that SHIT to happen to me to prepare me for him. Had I not experienced the ups, downs, and to-the-ground lows that I have experienced with men, I would not have seen this beautiful man for who he is. Had I not known what it was like to have my feelings crushed and trampled on like a piece of useless trash, had I not known what it was like to sacrifice in the name of caring for someone, had I not know what it was like to be mistreated, I would have never learned what I would and would NOT accept from a man. Even more proactively, what I would require in a man. Most men provided maybe 6 or 7 out of 10 of the things I wanted in a man. He meets 11 of those 10 requirements.

"So if no one wants to believe that what we share was meant to be, then it will be just you and me against the world. And if our friends and family cant bear to see us both happy, then it will be just you and me against the world"

We dealt with the fear or rushing into yet another situation that could blow up in our faces. We dealt with the fear of abandonment. We dealt with the fear of not being ready. We dealt with the fear of what other people would say or think. We dealt with all of these things and moved past them to be where we are right now. We agreed to focus on us, on what WE want and need. Sure, we talk to our friends, but in the end, they aren't in our relationship, WE are. We listen to each other, communicate with each other, respect each other, trust each other, and need each other. Even as I write this I am feeling the longing of his knee rubbing against mine when we sit on his couch, while he downloads music and I flip through the channels on the television. The best thing about this is that people see the change in us. They see the happiness we bring to each other's lives. This is not to say I have not encountered some shade or disbelief or folks trying to test me. That is to be expected. But see, this shit right here, is for real. Excuse my language, but that is how passionately I feel. The beautiful thing is that he feels the SAME way. He is proud to walk with me, introduce me to people close to him. He does all of the things for me that I've always dreamed a man would. He is considerate, thoughtful, and as he said, he wants to give me the world.

"I will give you my all, and I will always be true to you, and I would love you forever..."

I want to give him all of me. This is "it". Mark my words folks. You ever just know something? I mean not only know it, but feel it, understand it, experience it, know it to be right and true? I don't feel any doubts. I don't feel like I'm convincing myself to care for him. I don't feel like I have to compromise any part of me. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I don't have to hide the way I feel or my interactions with him. [sidebar: this cat that likes me saw us on 125th street kissing and he hit me up to mention it, sounding hella salty LOL. oh well]. You can ask 3 of my closest friends how close I was to running away from this cat. Each one of them was like NO, stick it out Michelle. I was so scared. It seemed too good to be true. But what is it about us that we see things that are really good as being bad, because they can't be real? Why CAN'T we have everything we have ever wanted in someone? Why can't we allow ourselves to experience true happiness? Why can't we give into what could be the best things to ever happen to us?

Fear doesn't own me anymore. He has possessed my heart and soul and mind and body and I am his. He is mine, and he has given himself willingly. I submit to his glorious strength as MY man. I submit to being his supportive, loving woman.


I let the world know.
Yin and Yang.
You and Me.
Love you.
Forever.


Danjaruz Dedication:
My Truth

You have spoken truth
Your heart whispered to mine
“I swear to love, completely love you”
My truth would now be empty without mentioning your name
You are it, you are here
And I am blessed
My needs were not needs until I needed you
My desires were not desires until I began to desire you
My body was cold until you touched it
My spirit bore an open wound;
Your love healed it
My precious, beautiful love
Adoration I express
As I kneel before you, my king
You are it, you are here
I swear, I will completely love you
The longing to touch you
When you are not here
Consumes, distracts my most focused intentions
I lose all sensibilities and I reach out for you
Reaching not far because
You are here, you are it
You are now… my truth
Your heart whispered to mine
“I will protect you, I completely love you”
My life would now be empty without seeing your face
Hearing your voice
Touching your soul
My fantasies were no more than dreams until you came into my reality
My love was not love until I loved you
I submit to you; I submit to the call of
Your heart, which whispered to me
“I am yours”
And I knew then
I would love you forever….

Model Chic

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
You better work (cover girl!!)
Work it girl (give a twirl!!)
Do your thing
On the runway!!

Work (supermodel!!)
Work (of the world!!)
....

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So yeah, last week I won a modeling contest online right. Contest for fat chics (or Plus Size Women as they call it). I won. Yay me! Got a lot of my friends to vote for me. Thanks guys!!

Well ok, the put my pic and bio on the website right. Cool. I was kinda more interested in the check that will be mailed to me on June 10th. Yeah, this whole model thing is... I don't know how to process it. I mean for most of my life, I've been so against modeling, especially the images that mainstream society puts out. I've always felt that models did more harm than good to the self-esteem of young women and to the expectations of young men.

Nowadays, plus-size models are making waves. You are starting to see more fat chics in commercials (and not just as jolly happy mothers), magazine ads, runways, etc. Cool. Queen Latifah is a Covergirl. Frenchie put American Idol on the map with her size, voice, and porn scandal, but hey, she got the Rent gig. Not too shabby. Toccarra from America's Next Top Model made waves and lasted a very long time in the competition until she became jaded about the fact that the industry REALLY isnt ready for a plethora of big women.

Speaking of Toccarra, this contest I mentioned earlier led to me making a contact with a traveling runway show for Plus Size women. The CEO contacted me throught to webmaster and wants me to do a "guest walk" in their upcoming show in NYC onJune 26th. I have to go this saturday to do a run through, get fitted, etc. Toccarra is one of the featured models. They want me to be on stage with HER!! This is bananas. Me... the ugly duckling no one ever wanted. The girl who was always too tall and too fat. Ive done hair shows before for Khamit Kinks, but thats because I had beautiful long (dred)locs. They liked my size and I got to model stuff from folks like Moshood. Cool. I figured that was a fluke.

In the last couple of years, Ive received a lot of solicitations for me to model. Some have been adult sites (yuck). Others have been what seem to be legitimate offers, but I've still been kinda like "ehhh Ill pass". Well now Im really thinking about it.

I know you all see the image at the top of my page. This brother made that image in MY likeness and wants me to be primary model for his upcoming clothing line. Im still working out the terms and conditions with him and my baby, of course. I consult him for anything that concerns my body and others "using" it. This would be a very interesting experience, positive I am sure. This brother wants to promote positive images of Big women in fashion, in media, just in society in general. I can support a cause like that.

I was in BK at a lounge watching the superbowl and was approached by another designed who was like "You HAVE to model my line!!" I was like "ummm, ok" He was basically saying that my shape, height, and face are what he has been looking for and he would love for me to model his clothing line when it is complete. I was taken aback. It really DOES happen that randomly lol. A lot of people pund the pavement with portfolios and such. Others just get stopped randomly on the street or get noticed online.

Well, I don't know how I feel about all of this just yet. If there is money involved, Im down. But I dont want my confidence in my fatness to be exploited, yanno?

Im still tripping over the fact that folks think I could even be a model. Maybe its the 72 inches of plush loveliness that is ME!! Lol

what yall think?