Fucking with Danja

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation: Mr. Telephon man, there's something wrong with my line...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Those of you who know me, know that the most disrespectful thing a person can do to me is hang up the phone on me, shut a door in my face, or any other type of immediate disconnection. It is hanging up the phone that gets me the most.

Someone just hung up the phone on me and now that means this person will never have contact with me again. This person will never know me to pick up my phone when this person's number comes through. This person will be hung up on should this person call me from a different, private, or blocked number. This person will never receive a respone to an email, instant message, or the like.

This person has just removed him/herself from my life with that short, yet powerful action of disrespect. This was someone I cared for, even loved. Someone I would go out of my way for. Someone I would make amazing sacrifices for. Someone I have considered doing really major things for.

Oh well, his/her loss.

Fuck it... one less fuckah in the world of Danja.

For those of you wondering, yes, im dead ass serious about this, so dont test me, or you will also remember your last words to and from Danja were right before you hung up on me.

Some Really Great Non-Traditional Christmas Songs

Danjaruz Depiction:


Danjaruz Ditty:

Last night I spent another lonely Christmas
Darling, darling, u should've been there
Cuz all the 1s I dream about
U are the 1 that makes my love shout
U see, u are the only 1 I care 4

Remember the time we swam naked
In your father's pool?
Boy he was upset that night
But boy was that ever cool

Remember the night we played pokeno 4 money
And u robbed me blind
Remember how u used 2 scream so loud
Cuz u hated that number 9

Hey, I saw your sister skating on the lake
This afternoon
Good Heaven how she's grown
She swoons the boy skaters she's so tall

But of all your father's children
All your father's children, baby
U know, u are the finest of them all
U are brighter than the northern star

Last night I spent another lonely Christmas
Darling, darling, u, u should've been there
U see, of all the 1s I dream about
U are the 1 that makes my love shout
U see, u are the only 1 I care 4
Yeah

My momma used 2 say
Always trust your lover
Now I guess that only applies 2 her

Cuz baby u promised me
Baby u promised me u'd never leave
Then u died on the 25th day of December
Oh baby

Your father said it was pneumonia
Your mother said it was stress
But the doctor said u were dead
And I, I say its senseless

Every Christmas night 4 7 years now
I drink banana daiquiris 'til I'm blind
As long as I can hear u smilin' baby
U won't hear my tears
Another lonely Christmas is mine
Yeah, mine
Yeah
Another lonely Christmas is mine

Danjaruz Ditty #2:

Girl you're so sad
He was the very first love you had
But he hurt your heart real bad
He just let your feelings a stray
And on a holiday
Go ahead and cry
Let me clear each tear from your eye
And maybe sing you a lullaby
Let my heart beat be your guide
To a cure inside

I know that it's oh so hard to let go
Give yourself time to heal take it slow
Let's talk as the rainbow colored lights make the tree glow
I'm your friend
I will be here for you till the end
'Cause I don't want wanna see you hurt again
I can be the key for your heart to mend


Chorus:
'Cause baby you're not alone
The pain in your heart is strong
Baby let me hold you in my arms
Let me be your protector from harm
'Cause no one should be alone
On Christmas


How could he do
Such a thing to one as good as you?
Gave him your all
And I know that it's true
Had a gem and didn't know what to do
But baby I'm here to tell you that
I'm yours if you want me
These feelings I've held in too long
You've been on my mind
Girl you know I'll never lie
Love is so kind


I hoped and I prayed
That by the Lord's grace you would come my way
And receive love that won't go away
Celebrate this occasion
With gifts of joy on his birthday
On this night
I'll fill all your empty spaces inside
As the snow falls I'll make it alright
'Cause this day is for sharing
And no one should be without some one caring


Chorus

Mike's monolauge:
Girl this Christmas you won't be alone
You don't have to cry
You don't have to worry about a thing
All the gifts that you wanted this year
Are your's
You don't have to worry about him no more
'Cause he's gone
Don't live in the past baby
I'm your future
All the feelings that I have
Are here for you
Anything that I can do
To take away any problem
That you may have or have had
I'm here
Just say Michael
And this Christmas is your's

chillin at home

whatever

Actions Talk
Bullshit walks

Walk on, muthafucka!

Removing the mask

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Deep inside I wish that they could see, that I'm just plain ole...Michelle

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
What is it about being me that draws people to me? Why do people often want to be around me, underneath me, on top of me, in me, close to me, apart of my life, apart of the lies?

This extroverted personality of mine is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it allows me to be bold and go places and do/say things that many people only dream about in the secure darkness of their private thoughts. I am often unafraid to say what everyone else is thinking. I find that people identify with me because I utter those very thoughts they doubt themselves for even thinking. I appear fearless, or so I have been told.

It is a curse because there are times when I go too far, some say. While I may be unaware, there are people out there who, due to their sensitive natures and thin skin, cannot bear the brunt of my reality. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love to joke around and have fun. I call most of my closest female friends sluts, whores, hoebags, wenches, tricks, etc. It is affectionate of course, and always joking. I love crude jokes; I love that which is lewd. Nothing wrong with that. Hell, I have a decent porn stash.

What I have come to realize in my old age is that there are those to whom I cannot speak. I say this because in order to talk to these people, I have to change who I am. I would have to hold back, and essentially, be fake. For some reason, I have allowed myself to do that in the past, thinking that I need to spare their "feelings" or sensitivities. Well, no more of that. If I cannot be me and speak my mind around someone, I need not speak to him/her at all.

I have been who I am for years and years, and I am not altering who I am for the sake of a few sensitive, thin-skinned individuals. I have no time for the drama that comes along with it. Why is it that a handful of people can love and accept me as I am, yet others have a big issue? Most people would say "Well you should look at yourself and find out why so many people are put off by you or why you manage to piss so many people off". In fact, people have said that, and I HAVE done that.

Unfortunately, it simply does not work for me. People need to step up and act like adults. If you dont like me or what I have to say, that is completely ok. I do not like everyone or everything they say. So what? The days of fronting and skirting are done. I tried that for a few years and it has been tearing me up inside. I have been walking around presenting the face of someone I feel like I have been pressured to be. Why can I not just be ME? If there are people who accept it, then I am all good. It shows me that if they can accept me, others can, should the choose to and/or be able to.

I do not intentionally hurt people's feelings or try to be mean. That is not the issue at all. The issue is that I bite my tongue far more than I should, and I do it because I have been told it is the "right" thing to do. I can do that no more. The flip side of it also means that many people cannot handle the overwhelming positivity of what I have to offer. Due to the harsh natures of many people's lives, they simply cannot accept purity or genuine love and kindness. I know this because I am one of those people in many ways. What I offer is love, support, dedication, and friendship. Some people, unfortunately in this hard world, cannot accept that. Will I stop offering it? Naw. I thought I could, but I cannot. I gotta be me.

I am trimming the fat, so to speak. Ridding my life of those people who believe I should be someone other than who I am. I am ridding myself of those people who would dare make assumptions about my thoughts, my personality, or who would challenge my integrity and my conviction. I have allowed too many tangetial and extraneous people to enter my world. It was from a need to interact with others. I wanted to be around people, laugh, and have fun. I am also eliminating those people who continue to reject what positive things I offer them. I can only try so many times before I get the point: you dont want me around. I think I am going to be able to come to that conclusion a bit sooner now. My idea is "Your loss!!"

What I seek is far more deep than any club, party, or chit chatty conversation. What I seek is beyond the he said/she said. What I crave is far beyond the mundane. I find that I have allowed entirely too many...STUPID (for lack of a better word) people into my life. I say because I am used to being around the best of the best (private schooling will do that to you). I am used to be around people who do not misuse or misspell words. I am used to people who are not amazed or shocked by words with more than three syllables. I am used to being around people who are not lost on allusions or other references/citations I make to authors, historical events, concepts and theories, movements, etc. I am sick of being in the presence of people who only care about sex and alcohol. That isnt me. It has never been me. Why have I allowed myself to get involved? What have I been running from?

I am used to being around people who can have discussions about love, life, and possibilities in the most ethereal ways possible. Just sit and vibe on some stream of consciousness level, bouncing ideas off of each other, coming up with a myriad of possibilities. People who are not afraid of all that life has to offer. I want to be around people who seek to seize the moment and make it last for eternity. I want to be around people who support forward progress and are not stagnant.

I am henceforth going to be simply... ME. No more biting the tongue, nor more pretenses, no more holding back what I really want to express for fear of the response, reaction, or consequence. I am officially removing the MASK.

Danjaruz Classic Poem:
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
-Paul Laurence Dunbar

Reclusive...

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

I always feel like...somebody's watching me...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So I've decided to become a recluse for 2005. Why? Because all this hanging out shit aint ME. I'm a homebody. I feel no better than when I am at home, laying in bed, in front of a computer or the television or both. This is how I can think, really get into deep mental conversations with all the people living in my head.

Ok, so I know I sound crazy and people might think I have MPD, BUT I know the value of listening to oneself. Sometimes we listen to others too much, seeking advice and/or validation from other people. Who, more than I, can tell me what I need to know about myself?

So I am thinking that I will chill on the parties, the retreats, the weekend trips, etc. I am thinking that I will chill on the interaction with tangential personalities. I am thinking I will focus more on reconnecting with the people who matter the most to me; maybe finding some people I have lost along the way. There are some people I have encountered in life who have had profound effects on my life. I have only encountered ONE recently (meaning the last couple of years), and she knows who she is.

I seek real people. I seek people who help advance my life. No time for inertia or for people around bringing me down. I need to move forward and if people arent for that cause, they need not be a part of my life. I miss the days of TRUE building with BEAUTIFUL human beings, deep thoughts, deep souls, deep conversations, intense times. Gone are the days when everyone around me challenges my mind and challenges me to be a better person. I have been forced to suffer through blah after blah after stupid idiot after lack of substance after blah blah blah.

Don't they make great people anymore?

I am tired of the chit chat, the empty conversations, the electronic exchanges, the back-and-forth about nonsense. It is draining me and it is pathetic. I am going to put an end to the pathos that is my life. (people reading this, no im not committing suicide, just eliminating the pathos)

Time to withdraw, reconnect, and soul search.

Time to finish this fucking book!!!

Stress... Component 1

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
It's better that it hurts, it's better that it feels this way to me
I can't be too comfortable cause loving you is not my destiny


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I talk all day with a good friend of mine about life and all of its inner workings. She is a few years older than me, but we go through some of the same things. It is weird because I cant imagine my days without talking to her. When she isnt around, Im like "what the hell, yo?" LOL

We have the same sick sense of humor, we bounce off of each other, we keep each other in stitches. We relate to each other when it comes to men because we go through the same situations with different men. Im beginning to believe, truly deeply, men are 99% the same. Seriously. I think it is true. Each man might come in a different wrapping or packaging, but underneath it all, he is the same as 99% of the rest of the male population. She agrees. See... we are in sync.

Now when it comes to men (yes i think about men a lot because im boy crazy), I do not think that me findign the right one is impossible. In fact, I know he DOES exist. He is in one of the following situations:

*Covered in mud paint, living in Australia, searching for and cooking mice over an open fire in the Bush...walking around screeching "AAAAYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAWWWWWYEEEEEEEE" randomly every few minutes.

*Performing female circumcisions in Chad, Africa, chanting his way into my heart

*Drying himself off from the latest monsoon that ravaged his home village, because he has to get to work in Dell's outsourcing division of customer service.

*Mixing up zombie dust in Haiti, making wax dolls, and randomly yelling "Sak Pase??!!" at tourists as they pass by his hut

*Playing Russian Roulette, swigging vodka, wearing 8 layers of clothes, dancing around singing "If I were a rich man, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nahhhhhhhh"

So there you have it. I have many options. The people I see now, Im convinced are mere filler. They occupy my time until Mr. Right is ready to come find me. Fun times? Sure. Great sex? Yup. Serious relationship? The Holy Grail in my life, and Im done searching!

Peace out homies!!!

Stole this from another Blog

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Michelle
2. Benee
3. Danja

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Danjaruznegress (yahoo)
2. blackloveeternal (yahoo)
3. coloredtendancies (yahoo)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My genius mind
2. My compassion for those in need
3. My passion for life

THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My short attention span
2. I wear my heart on my sleeve (see the part about passion)
3. I withdraw from people very easily; doesnt take much for me to say "peace out"

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African
2. African
3. Caucasoid


THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Failure
2. Being seriously ill (like getting cancer or HIV)
3. Living a life without love

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Writing
2. Praying
3. Music


THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Pink v-neck sleeveless sweater
2. Pink socks
3. Silver bracelet

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists(at the moment)):
1. Prince & the Revolution
2. Mint Condition
3. Boyz II Men

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Free Yourself- Fantasia
2. Free- LaShell Griffin
3. These Are Our Heroes- Nas

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Be a mommy
2. save money/buy some property
3. seriously apply for grad school

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Fun
2. Loyalty
3. Passionate Intensity/Need/Longing etc


TWO LIES AND A TRUTH
1. I've dated two professional football players
2. I've never dated a famous entertainer
3. I've dated a white man

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. height!!!!
2. width!!! love em big
3. mouth/lips/smile


THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Munch carpet
2. In-line skate
3. pledge allegiance to the united states

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Reading
3. listening to music

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Have sex
2. Get my appetite back
3. Talk to Andre...

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Author
2. Teacher
3. Mother

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Australia
2. Brazil
3. Scotland/Ireland


THREE KID’S NAMES
1. Baby Daddy, Jr
2. Miniya (much is expected of her)
3. Maleah (beautiful young woman, unique little girl)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Have two beautiful children (at least)
2. Visit the slave castles and ports
3. Achieve inner peace

Thoughts On Influence and Ability

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
No more drama in my life...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I have so many more important things to think about... I hope folks realize that.

Danjaruz Villanelle:
Thoughts On Influence and Ability…

My strength evaporates from within, leaving this spirit weak
Questioning if every lie absorbed by my mind over time is true
Seeking peace, listening to revolutionaries speak

A nation of millions; at a glance, destinies appear bleak
Shackled to walls, no sign of freedom within our myopic view
My strength evaporates from within, leaving this spirit weak

Wars waged between brick and concrete street murals; havoc wreaks
Street soldiers on the corners, desperate for something more to do
Seeking peace, listening to revolutionaries speak

Walk through doors of holy dwellings, comforted by peace as a pastor speaks
Are we not to be better protected, seated in the red, velvet-covered pews?
My strength evaporates from within, leaving this spirit weak

We turn to those innocents. A return to innocence we seek
While exploring abused sexuality; yet find that their numbers are few
Seeking peace, listening to revolutionaries speak

In gracious piety, I utter words in dark closets; blessed are the meek
Burned by need to be more like, existing in fear of…You
My strength evaporates from within, leaving this spirit weak
Seeking peace, listening to revolutionaries speak

If Your Girl Only Knew

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If your girl only knew
That you was trying to get with me
(what would she do)
If your girl only knew
That you was dissin' her to talk to me

She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone
I bet she'd be glad that you was gone
And then she wouldn't have to worry

If your girl only knew
That I would want to kick it with you
(if she knew)
And if your girl could only see
How you be calling me, getting fresh with me

She's crazy to put up with you
Oh boy I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me
But it's dumb to put up with you
I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You know who you are...

Now that I am single again (and even when I was not single, but to a much lesser degree), I am getting a lot of male attention. This is wonderful of course because I am an admitted flirt and "boy crazy" for lack of a better phrase. However, there are TOO many single men out there for me to mess with brothers who are in relationship or who are married.

Does this mean these men will not come on to me? NO. HELL NO. What it means is that these are the men who come on to me even more than single men. Amazing. I could go into a long diatribe about what this says about people, the destruction of the family unit, loss of trust, etc etc etc, but in actuality, these cats are just FUCKAHS!!!

Yeah, I said it. And what???

Yes, I am beautiful inside and gorgeous outside. Yes, I am quite desireable given my credentials and my dedication to/love for the Black man. Yes, I can be loyal when loyalty is called for. I am always supportive. I am in a situation right now where I am trying to figure out this dating thing. I date different people in attempts to see who is out there doing what. Nothing wrong with that because each man I date knows that we are not in a committed relationship. In fact, it is the men who INSIST that they are not ready for relationships and simply want to keep things light and easy. OK. Im cool with that. I personally think Im beyond this whole "feelings" thing, but that is another blog in itself.

What I am NOT cool with is married men/involved men tempting me with themselves. I mean, I am working VERY hard at being a good single woman. I have no intention of becoming a homewrecker, no matter how tasty, fine, sexy, gorgeous, funny, smart a man is. If he cannot tell his partner that he spent time with me with a clear conscience, then we need not get involved.

If I am being honest, it isnt as easy as it seems. Men make it so easy to wanna kick it with them. They make things seem like they will not get attached, that it could be a nice, simple, one-time fling. They make it seem like everything is all good. You can always tell when a man has cheated on his wife/partner before. He is so very casual with it, in fact, he talks about her often and refers to her as wife or wifey or what have you. This man is establishing his priorities, and letting other women know, without a doubt, that they are just that: "Other Women". This is often to dissuade the mistress from getting too attached (but it will happend regardless of the barriers he puts up, if it is going to happen at all).

Back in the day, before I became the woman I am, I knowingly had an affair with a married man. (Damn this honesty shit!!) I thought it was only going to be a one time thing. He said he was very attracted to me and that his wife did not satisfy him mentally, sexually, or emotionally. He said he only married her because she'd gotten pregnant and his and her parents were old fashioned. See, I should have known something would be up when he said "emotionally". This was indicator number one that he was looking for something more than just a "good time". Well, long story short, it was a very dramatic situation, one that helped me grow up a lot. Yes, she found out. Yes, she was very hurt and I became every kind of bitch in the world. How did she find out? He served her divorce papers. He also declared love for me, but that is neither here nor there. He said that being with me gave him the courage to seek a divorce and remove himself from his marriage.

How the hell does good pussy give a man courage? Ok, maybe that was a bit crude, but come on. If you do not want to be married anymore, it does not take violating your wedding vows to serve as a catalyst, does it? Maybe, having never been married, I do not get "it". Maybe, in my being single, I see things a lot different than people "trapped" in marriages or relationships in which they do not wish to be. When kids are involved, I know it can be quite tricky. But either you are going to stick with it or you aren't. Pick one. Maybe I do not see the "grey area".

So Danja, what do you do when you are constantly approached by involved men? Even when you know you want to screw the living shit out of an attached man... (dammit, whew *breathe*)? I walk away. I avoid the situation. It is not worth the stress, especially because there are plenty of single men out there who can show me a good time. I'm enjoying this life. I have my eye (heart) on someone, but I fear he does not return the feelings. I'm actually almost ready to put the "feeling" stuff aside and just "do me" as the young folks say these days.

Seems like everyone is on the "imma do me" kick, why cant I be? My homegirl told me that I know I'm going to end up falling in love with this dude. She is probably right. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I have no apologies for that. It is ok to feel, it is ok to car, and it is ok to love. Honestly, I'm tired of being the one loving for the both of us *shrug*. If I cannot get a single man to make me a priority, I sure as hell do not need to look for that which I seek in the temporary arms of an attached man.

I still wanna wake up to someone. I still want to cook for someone. I still want to be thought about by someone. I want someone to miss me. Just not someone else's man. Gwen Guthrie and Shirley Murdock wrote songs about illicit affairs and loving another woman's man. Suffice it to say, not much good can come from that type of situation. I will pass on that. Can I have my own? The answer is NO over and over and over, so fuck it, whatever...

I spent my first weekend alone in a very long time, this weekend. I was bored out of my FREAKING MIND. For this ADD-ridden Aries, doing nothing is the worst thing, its mental suicide. But Im sticking it out, trying to prove a point. I do not NEED to be out with a man, laying next to a man, or be in the presence of a man. As much as I love men, I can do it!! I can fight it!! Only answered one call this weekend. That one is "special" so far. So good. We shall see. I'm still operating on the surface, havent even begun to dig deep with this one. Afraid to. Afraid of another woman in his face. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of trying again. Afraid of caring.

Im going to spend the holidays alone again this year. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Kwaanza, alone. "They" have children, family, friends, "friends". I dont get the invitations home. Before I know it, I will have my son/daughter. Then I will have someone to be with during the holidays. For now, fuck the holidays!!!

Running on E

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Lullabye...and goodnight...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Even as I type this, I feel my eyelids closing. I am so tired. This weekend is going to be MY weekend. Im not doing anything that requires me to leave my home. I might not even shower lol. But that is ok cuz I could be funky and no one would know.

Lately, I think I have been running on empty. I been running around, running wild. Simply put, I have been running. Possibly from something that I am sure I need to confront and/or deal with. But I have been running, nonetheless.

And now Im tired. Right now, at this moment, I want nothing more but to sleep. But I made a commitment for this evening, so I will continue to run. When I get home this evening, it is a rap for the weekend.

*exhale*

Love my Job, but dang...

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Ain't nuthin going on but the rent

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Why do I have to work for the struggling company?Ok Ok I chose to work in the non-profit sector helping people because that is what I love to do and it is somewhat of a calling. HOWEVER, my first job was with a major organization, as well as my second job. These were organizations that NEVER had a problem with money. My check was always deposited on-time into my account, we always had enough money to do things for the clients, we even had nice cakes and food for birthdays and such. No problem.

But now I work at a place that relies on funding from various sources and it is hard. They struggle to make ends meet, primarily because the work that they do is often criticized by the "big guys" in the non-profit field. It is unfortunate because the work they do is tremendous and necessary, but conservatives condemn the work and try hard to choke our funding streams. Every two weeks, we all wonder, "are we going to get paid this week?" Some things have to be shuffled around, and maybe some lower ranked people dont get paid full amounts or on time, or maybe, like today, we come to work to find our cell phones cut off, but they try their best to do what they can.

Part of me is like hey, yes, I understand. Im down for the cause and the cause requires sacrifices. But the other part of me is like, "you i gotz billlllllz!!!" Rent, Student loans, credit cards, cable, phones, electric bill, food, my cat's expenses... Sometimes I cannot afford for the check to come on Friday or the following Monday. *sigh*

Im dealing though, I mean i DO make decent money, so I cannot complain about what the salary is. I just wanna make sure I actually RECEIVE the damn salary.

Danjaruz Haiku:
This job is broke ass
Burnt out and down to the curb
We need money fast

I'm a Good Teacher

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:I believe the children are our future...teach them well, and let them lead the way....

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok so I admit, I call my kids knuckleheads. My students that is. I say it with love, though, and they know it. Sometimes I wonder if I am getting through to them. Sometimes they seem to be struggling, but other times, I see the spark in their eyes and I know that they get it.

I am preparing them for a slam contest, and I hate slam contests. They can be very damaging to some people. Who is to judge your work simply because you do not throw your hands around and scream like a lunatic when reciting your work? I think the kids are better of judged by content of their writing, on the paper, not by how well they can perform it. I continue to stress this to the students. I want them to know that as long as they feel they gave their best, they have already won, regardless of whether some judges agree or not.

My kids, have won...

Danjaruz Villanelle:
*courtesy of the students of Martin Luther King High School's Poetry Club

Streets

Raised on the Street, Fate determined my plight
Repeatedly resisting the light of the Lord's Grace
Its dark embrace engulfs me every night

With my mind, every wish takes flight
Batons never passed, yet I finish the race
Raised on the Street, Fate determined my plight

Conflicts of gangs for territorial rights
Choosing sides from colors may change a face
Its dark embrace engulfs them every night

From small bags to syringes, from syringes to pipes
Gateways from restrictions, destructive ways to escape
Raised on the Street, Fate determined my plight

Poverty begets conflict, continuously forced to fight
Battle after battle with nothing to gain
Its dark embrace engulfs them every night

The burden of my pain deteriorates my might
Lost in the brick seas of those who are displaced
Raised on the Street, Fate determined my plight
Its dark embrace engulfs me every night

Weight Loss Log

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Nothing but a lil baby phat phat

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So I am losing weight. I find it interesting considering I have neglected my workouts lately. I have been so busy working two jobs, and dealing with life's curve balls, I have been neglecting my body. But in that, i have lost weight. My dad looked at me on Friday was like "Damn baby, you are really losing weight". People I work with have been commenting. See it is one thing when people have not seen your for a while and comment on your weight loss, but when people who see you everyday make a comment, something must be happening.

I have not been eating as much, or even sleeping that much. I try to move around a lot during the day, mostly to keep myself awake, but I guess it pays off.

I look in the mirror and notice a difference. In fact, I feel like I look kinda gaunt. I have to say I am happy with how I look, and I would be content to remain this size, but health-wise, I need to lose a LOT more. At least another 100 lbs. I know I will do it slow and steady, there is no rush.

I'm working on my vessel. Trying to steer clear of toxins, which is hard because my office is right across from the smoke room, so I inhale smoke all day long. Plus I drink when I go to parties and I should not do that. I am working on that. But fuck it, I love to drink lol.

I cook more now, dont buy as much fast food, eat less fried foods, and I try to eat something green at every meal. I try to drink a lot of water, but lately I've been buying a lot of juice for my house, which isnt really good because of the sugar content. I am also taking Iron and Folic Acid supplements, just trying to stay healthy.

This week, Im going back to lifting. My arms are getting kinda swole LOL. But I need to get rid of this gut. Ok so other people say I dont have a gut, but I think I do and that is all that matters. Need to flatten that sucka out!!!

I'mma do it!!


Danjaruz Haiku:
I finally look
Like the woman I should be
Big, Beautiful Me!!

Moment In Life

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
an excerpt from a wonderfully accurate piece...

Have you ever had a day when
Nothing goes your way
All you do seems to be in vain
And everything is just a waste of your time

But have you ever had that moment in life
When everything is cool
Didn’t have to worry about the time
It all went as it should
And you were having the greatest moment in life

Don’t you worry about the past cause
It’s gonna be what it is
All that you can do is try to
Make your future beautiful
And let it be the greatest moment in life

It’s like all a sudden your life is so cool
Cause everything in it is working for you
Your friends and your family are getting along
It feels like when you hear your favorite song
Or when you know that you got money to spend
You never want that moment to end


Danjaruz Diatribe:
I have to say, I love Musiq Soulchild's music. This is something I must tell the world. I love his music now, but I did not always. Having gone to school in Philadelphia, I grew tired of the Philly "neosoul" sound very quickly. Jill Scott, Kindred, Musiq, all of those "neo soul" folks coming out sounding the same, same grooves, same tales, same concepts, same chords and keys. I was like ok ok ok I get it! I was not feeling Jill Scott's first album nor was I was feeling Musiq Soulchild's first album.

I have since left Philly and I have given the aforementioned artists a new listen. I also rejected Alicia Keys' first album because 1)I hear tracks about 6 months before she hit the airwaves and I had had my fill and 2)oversaturation. How many times can a woman keep on fallin'...in and out...of love...with some dude? I have since given Ms. Keys another listen and while I still take issue with the first album, her sophomore effort is definitely worthy of somewhat heavy rotation.

Musiq (sans soulchild) has made a fan out of me. I heard rumors that he didnt perform well live, but I have yet to see him live in concert. I have seen him on a few television shows and he sounded great to me. Maybe he has developed. If Ashitty Ashanti can do it, so can anyone with REAL talent. Anyway, I listened to Juslisen, his second album and was blown away. Not only is his vocal talent tremendous, the album was crafted in a storybook way; there was a beginning (boy meets girl) a middle (boy courts girl, they date) and an end (they have issues, but stay together and grow old together). Each song has its place in the storyline and each song is unique and engaging.

On his latest effort, Soulstar, Musiq once again caught my attention. He veered off the "neo soul" path and began to experiment with unique lyrical concepts and musicianship. My favorite song is called "Moment in Life" (see above lyrics). This song features the aforemented Kindred, a husband/wife duo, and Cee-Lo, an underrated, yet overly talented MC from Atlanta (formerly of Goodie Mob). The song came at the perfect time in my life, and continues to speak to me. The music in this song is riveting, reminding me of something from the late 60's/ early 70s with a modern appeal. It is intoxicating to say the least (and how about i found the voice ringer for that song!!!yay go me!!). The lyrics to the song are what captured me the most though.

We have all had days when nothing went our way. We have all had days when we wished we could just disappear. I have had times when I have not wanted to be here, when I felt everything was hopeless. But I have also had times when I have been SO happy to be alive and so blessed. I can think of times when, even though I felt like crap, I knew that things in my life could be a lot worse.

Now is one of those times. I have been having a lot of days lately whne I have felt hopeless, mainly because of financial issues. I have felt like I am drowning. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and I know that things will get better soon. I just have to weather the storm. I cannot change the past, but I can reflect on it and look at where I have come from so that I can better determine where I am going.

Villanelle Experiment

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit...

Danjaruz Villanelle:
Ruthless Pride

God save the man who is full of pride
Cold and ruthless, he is the troubled man who
Lives empty days and loves lonely nights

Seeking no comfort in the love in his life
Isolating himself; loneliness is all he can do
God save the man who is full of pride

Struggling against love’s intensity, from which he cannot hide
Known to others only as the intriguing brother who
Lives empty days and loves lonely nights

Consummate loner, path created in strife
Battling demons his entire life, now able to make it through
God save the man who is full of pride

Continues the way he knows and believes is right
One all would love, if only they knew the man who
Lives empty days and loves lonely nights

Wandering this earth, he has created and embraced his plight
Needing no one, no thing. What is a proud man to do?
God save the man who is full of pride
Living empty day and loving lonely nights…

Bitter

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

You push me away bitterly
My apologies fall on your deaf ears
You curse my name bitterly
And now your eyes they look at me bitterly

I stand ashamed amidst my foolish pride
'Cause for us there'll be no more
For us there'll be no more
And now my eyes look at you bitterly
Bitterly bitterly

Calling 2005!!

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Sitting up in my room, back here thinking about you, I must confess, Im a mess for you

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok so this has been a blah day. I could hardly sleep last night, so many thoughts traveling through my mind, so many feelings engulfing my heart, so many tribulations piercing my soul.

December is here, November is gone. November was a baddd month for me. So much negativity in my world, it was overwhelming. December began with rain, dismal and bland. See for me, the universe is the ultimate indicator. What is going on in the world usually reflects what is going on in the hearts and minds of men. We get from the universe what we put into the universe, and Im beginning to wonder how much of all of this is my own doing.

What have I put into the universe that has caused me to experience such negativity for the last few weeks? What is going on inside of my soul?

The sun is up, which makes me believe that the short early torrential rain symbolized the temporary nature of negativity. The new sun shows me that maybe it is over, and maybe I can begin again. With the end of each year comes promises of what we will and will not do in the coming year. I try not to make such promises because I will only disappoint myself if I fall short.

However this year is different. I need to promise myself a few things. I cannot allow myself to be guided by this heart of mine. My heart is so big, full of so much love. But it has consistently led me astray. My mind is the shield that has saved me from insanity, although I have been on the edge of reason many a day and many a night. The mind is a dam of sorts, protects the heart from experiencing and causing too much damage.

Time to let my mind work overtime. Keep my heart in check. Maybe I will mess up and miss out. But what am I really missing? Lonliness? Neglect? Disappointment? Pain? There is always love available, so I wont be missing that.

2005 is for me. Im just going to do ME. Put me first. Handle MY business. Make ME happy. Make decisions all for ME.

Yeah right. That isnt my nature. I care too much. I love too much. I need, too much. I want, too much. I want it ALL, everything, from everyone!!

Thank God for Sidebars and Reprieves!! Need those. Love those. Crave those. Woke up by myself this morning and was like "Whoaaaa, don't like this feeling, at all!!" Got to work on that...either work on not liking it, or work on making sure I dont have to wake up alone as often.



Danjaruz Haiku:
It's all about me
Ok, and maybe you too
Just be my reprieve

Marinate on this Song

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

Stevie Wonder wasnt playing yall!! Just needed to remind yall of this lesser known JEWEL of his!


I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I love you
I don't know why I love you
But I love you

Always treat me like a fool
Kick me when I'm down that's your rule
I don't know why I love you
But I love you
Oh you never stop your
Cheatin ways with another guy
You laugh in my face
Lord how long must I be disgraced
Cause I love you
Oh baby, baby, baby
I don't know why I love you
I don't know
You and me baby, oh
I don't know why I love you baby
But I love you baby
Oh darlin, darlin, darlin

You throw my heart down in the dirt
You made me crawl on
This cold black earth, baby
No I never, I never knew
How much love could hurt
Until I loved you baby
Till I loved you baby, baby
Oh baby, I can't stop
I can't stop crying can't you see
Here I'm pleadin on my knees
I'm on my knees
Won't you help me, help me please
Cause I love you, I love you baby
Sure enough, baby, yeah
I don't know, you don't know
We don't know none of us
Can't do nothing about it
I don't know, I don't know
Oh baby, I don't know, I don't know
Nobody can do nothing about it

World AIDS Day

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
AIDS is NOT over!!!!


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

www.worldaidsday.org

This is one of the hardest days of the year for many people whose lives have been touched by the HIV virus, either through personal infection or the infection/passing of loved ones.

This can also be a joyous occasion, where we celebrate the lives of those who have succumbed to this virus or who are living/fighting daily, pressing on, and beating it down.

Many of you know I have been working with the positive population for some time, and no matter how long, this shit gets not easier folks.

We have lost a number of people in the last month, and it has taken a toll on me.

Have you lost anyone to HIV/AIDS-related complications? Ever worked with someone who is living with it? Have you ever even touched someone with the virus?

There are still so many stereotypes and stigma attached to HIV/AIDS and it is due to lack of knowledge. I implore each and every one of you to educate yourselves, get the knowledge, understand whats REALLY going on in this country and this world, and BE CAREFUL!!!

The people I have worked with have been gay males and females, former and current drug users, some former prisoners, and more often than not, women who were infected by men they loved and were committed to. We can fight this! Get tested! Know your status!

HIV/AIDS is NOT gone, it is still here, alive and well and killing Black women around the world faster than anyone else.

If you can, reach out to someone you know who is infected. Give him/her a word or encouragement or a hug. It wont rub off on you :)

Peace,
M


Danjaruz Haiku:
She has HIV
He said he loved her so much
Should have wrapped it up