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Monday, January 31, 2005

A lil accurate Astrology

Danjaruz Horoscope:


Quickie:
Make up your mind and move on, already. You're not making this decision any easier.

This cannot be more relevant than anything else I have encountered lately. Whew... I really do need to make up my mind.

Overview:
It's that time again. Yup, the bills are due. Not to worry. You'll find a way to get each and every one of them tucked safely inside their pre-addressed and stamped envelopes.


Shit. my bills are not just due but well OVER due. Ill get to it though.


Most of the planet doesn't deal well with change. Fortunately for you, you just love it. You're a living example of how great change can be. Keep those facts in mind today while you're trying to deal with others who aren't quite so open to last-minute modifications in their carefully planned schedules. They may not be kindred spirits, but they're fellow humans. Convince them to loosen up.


Change is major for me. Im seeking a major change now, career-wise, life-wise, lovelife-wise (can i get a love life? lol)

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Sigh

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I cannot lose a love I never had...


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
amazing how things come full circle.
you think one thing, in fact u believe it with everything u are.
then u realize u been living in a dream, and the dream is over.
the dream has been over for some time, but u are only now waking yourself up.

yeah, yeah....yeah

games are played, feelings are hurt, lies are told, stories are hidden, games are played, feelings are hurt, lies are told, stories are hidden.

u hurt me, so imma hurt u. u try to move on, but u love me, so imma bring u back into me, and hurt u again, push u away again, because i love u but i cant allow myself to show it because that takes entirely too much of me that i am unwilling to give.

such a sad sad sad game

i needed to experience that to know what its really all about. what to do, what not to do. how to recognize when someone is using me or loving me. I still havent figured that out.

redirect. focus on whats real. whats real is that there are tons of possibilities. where my life is headed, i have no idea. who i am meant to be with, i have no idea. letting go of one thing, focusing on another, fixing this thing, taking care of that other thing.

we all have so much to do in our lives.

so i talked to him today and he was so down. this is really taking a toll on him, it seems. wish i could do more to cheer him up, but given the circumstances, not much cheering up can be done. all i could do is let him know he is always on my mind, that im awaiting his return, and that he is loved. he knows this of course, but it helps to hear it.

must be something real, cuz why else would i leave my house at 6:30am in 5 degree weather to make the trek all the way out there?

out with the old, in with the new.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

What More Can I Say...

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:



Now that you're right here,
Let me whisper in your ear
Now that you're listening,
Let me tell you how I feel
I've been trying to formulate
The perfect words the perfect way
I can't hold it back no more
I gotta let you know today

It's Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)

Now that you're listening let me tell you what I need
Now that your holding me let me show you what I mean
I've been trying to analyze
What it is I feel inside my heart
But now I realize it don't have to be so hard

Cause it's Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)


Awesome power is for real
And I'm gonna say it again
And again and again
I Love you...
I Love you...
I Love you...
I Love you...
I Love you...
I Love you!!

Now you know how I feel
Tell me what are you gonna do
Now that I've said the words
Tell me what do you have to lose
I know that you feel it to
I can see it when I look into your eyes
You're scared, but you don't have to be
It's alright

Cause it's Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Another Week

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
FIGHT THE POWER!!!!


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So he tells me that the court people messed up his paperwork and he has to see the Judge on Feb 2, but that he should be able to leave either that day or the 3rd. Thank God for that. I mean I'm bummed that he has to stay another week, but at least one week is better than one year.

Still praying for you sweetie. Can't wait until you return to the world of the free. We miss you. Things havent been the same for the past few weeks. Giz misses you too, I can tell lol. I let him lay on ya hat, he likes that.

Well, that means another trip to Riker's. It's not so bad, once you get used to the process. You learn what to wear, what not to wear. The whole procedure becomes numb; no real shock at lifting up the bra and emptying imaginary contents or feeling myself up in front of a female C.O.

The hour seems to tick by faster though. Better get my private time in now, cuz when he comes out, the chicken will come home to roost.

Viva la Freedom!!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Cold Ass Weekend

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Baby, it's cold outside...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So I went to Baltimore this weekend to interview for the teaching residency program right. ASide from feeling like I banged the interview out of the box, I am cold. Im still cold from yesterday, even though I am nestled inside of my very warm apartment. I think my pubies have icicles on em. For real though, I still feel the chill.

So I leave Baltimore at 1:30, the last bus leaving to New York. I swear we were the lone Greyhound Bus on the road. This bus driver was determined to get us to New York. I was like ok, here we go. He has to stop at Baltimore Plaza, Wilmington, DE
and then on to NY. So we get to Bmore plaza and I followed my instinct and got some food. Greasy ass KFC, but it was food, dammit. Good thing, because that would be the last time I would eat for hours and hours and hours.

Bmore to DE is usually an hour, maybe 75 minutes. It took us 3.5 hours to get from Bmore Plaza to Wilmington. Why? Not a single snow plow on the streets, highways, anything. Our bus was making paths, paving the way for others to follow. We passed by stalled cars, watched cars swirving, even saw a tractor trailor in a ditch, the cab dislocated. I was so scared, and I started praying. I couldnt imagine this bus ending up in a ditch and my last meal being a greasy 2-piece from KFC.

So when we got to Wilmington, it seemed like all the stragglers from every previous bus decided to load onto our bus. Tell me something. Why is it when I tell people that I am 6-ft tall and have long legs, they feel the need to not only push their seats back, but fidget and bounce around, lean back and get comfortable? Why on MY knees??? Man my knee still hurts like hell, bastids. Oh and Why must people take the babies on long as trips? Package that sucka up in a box, poke some holes, and Fed Ex the baby to where you need to go. Dont bring the crying, shitting, drooling, gurgling baby on a long ass bus ride!!!

Ok so Im trying to relax, but then he is only able to really do like 20-30 MPH, which means that this is going to take forever. So he was like ok, We've got 150 miles left to NYC, so we will get there when we get there. Did I mention he was sardonic and fiesty as all hell? I mean he was funny, but I was like "Dude, focus on the road". So then he was like "Well if the turnpike isnt clear, Im turning around." People were like Awww hell naw, you are gonna keep on trucking buddy!! Luckily for us, the turnpike had some plowing done, so we were able to make up some time. We ended up at Port Authority at 8:30 pm, 7 hours after we left. It was then time for me to make it home.

I get on the train, take it to my stop and get off, stupidly thinking I'd be able to hail a cab. Yeah ok, not a cab available, and the ones who were, were trying to make big money, which I did not have. So I began to walk, through the snow, in dress shoes. I managed to hike to the nearest bus stop and I began to wait. I began to lose faith that a bus was coming, but there it was!! Glorious bus!! I got on and then transfered to another one. A few short prayers sent the buses much quicker than I anticipated. Got off the last bus, felt the urge to pee so strong I almost copped a squat in a snow drift. But alas, home was only a few yards away and I felt like shug Avery running to stop Celie from shaving Mr. I could see the building, rounding the curve, but I could also feel my "lips" quivering as I tried to keep the piss in. I made it to the building, then to my apartment, and yes, my bowl.

So now Im still cold. Yes, my house is warm, but my body is still chilled. I have on two tshirts and a sweater and some sweat pants, two pairs of socks and Im under the covers, yet Im still shaking a bit.

I need some sex...


Danjaruz Haiku:
Damn it's cold outside
I need some help keeping warm
At least my cat's warm

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Actor Lamont Bentley Killed in Crash

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:And I know you're shining down on me from heaven...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:


LOS ANGELES - Lamont Bentley, who was a regular in the 1990s sitcom "Moesha" and appeared frequently in television and movies, was killed in a car crash, his manager said Wednesday.


Bentley died Tuesday night when his vehicle plunged off the San Diego Freeway, manager Susan Ferris said. He was the only person in the vehicle.

Bentley, 31, played Hakeem Campbell, the longtime friend of pop singer Brandy's character, Moesha Mitchell, in the UPN sitcom "Moesha."

Bentley had appeared in a number of films, including "The Wash" and "Tales From the Hood." He also played Tupac Shakur in the TV movie, "Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story," and had appeared in guest roles on "The Parkers," "NYPD Blue" and "Clueless."

The Milwaukee native and father of two daughters began his career after moving to Los Angeles with his mother, an aspiring singer.

"This is a big year for him," Ferris said. "We were very excited because he was coming into his own. It's like a candle being snuffed right out."


Monday, January 17, 2005

7 more days...

missing u, love...
cant wait until u return

u will be back soon!

My kids ROCK!!

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Killing trees by smoking em...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
OK so i loveeeee my students and i am SO proud of them. Today was the preliminary round for the Poetry Slam contest and my 5 most dedicated students went to the competition to present their work and share their poetry with others. They were all so excellent!!!!

They carried themselves so well and represented for their school so much!! I was almost in tears, like a proud mother watching her children in a school play or on the field during a peewee league game. Each one went to the stage and recited their poems with all of their heart and soul. It was beautiful to watch.

One of my students was even selected to compete in the finals. I told them that they are a team and if one person makes it to the finals, they ALL make it to the finals. We will all be there on the 27th, when Ja Rule and Stephon MArbury come to witness the future poets of the world. All of these kids were so talented, I was simply amazed. The 12 finalists were the best choices, I have to agree. I felt that one school had an unfair advantage because 1)their students perform professionally and 2)they had NINE students. They told us we could only have 5. Had I known, I would have brought the rest of my kids in to perform!! I was pissed about that, but what can you do?

Im so happy right now!! I cannot contain myself. I am so very proud.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Countdown...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Come back to me, I'm begging you please...
Come back to me, I want you to...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Damn I need some sex!! OK not just any ole sex, because I know that people offer it and throw it at me. I want sex from one person in particular. I want the throw me up against the headboard, make me scream and then tell me to shut up, slap my ass so hard I look over my shoulder like "OWWW?", lock my arms behind my back and make me bend over, force my jaw open and shove it in, kinda sex...

Whewwww lawd!!! My body is screaming for some release that only he can bring. I'm needing him, wanting him, needing the touch, wanting the thrust, craving his style, driving me wild...

Damn Papi, hurry back...

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Unky Moods

just wanted to shout out the folks who provide my emoticons!!

too cute

check em out www.unkymoods.com

Friday, January 14, 2005

damn...

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I heat up and I, I can't come down
Swear I'm spinnin, I'm on a merry-go-round
And I picked up a joint to my face
My heart beats faster than a regular pace
And I'm not sure of what it is
I asked my mother to help me with it
And she said "Daughter, you reached a jones -
And that's real lovin, so carry on"

Come to my place
You know I'll be waitin for ya
Cause I really need you so
You know I'll be waitin for ya
Be on your way
You know I'll be waitin for ya
And we can handle it real slow
You know I'll be waitin for ya

You keep me thirsty, lickin my lips
I'm hungry for you to please my hips
And don't stop there, prepare to sweat
I'm getting hotter and you ain't made it here yet
So won't you hurry, make no haste
Cause you're the fruit I long to taste
Just in case I start before you reach me first
I unlatched the door

I can't wait until you come over (I can't wait)
Ohhh, I can't wait until you come over (No)
I can't wait until you come over (Can't wait)
Ohhh, I can't wait until you come over (Ooooh)

I made you wait so patiently
Now's the time, come share with me
I teased you so, those days are gone
Come over, it's on and you don't have to wait no more

Come over, boy, my place
You know I'll be waitin for ya
Cause I, I really need you so
You know I'll be waitin for ya
Be on your way
You know I'll be waitin for ya
And we can handle it real slow
You know I'll be waitin for ya

Oooh, oooh
Oooh, oooh
Oooh, oooh (My place)
Oooh, oooh

Can't wait til you come over
Oh, I can't wait until you come over
I can't wait until you come over


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Lifted...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Come and go with me, there is so much more to see, get high with me, come fly with me...

ok so John sold 118,000 copies of his album!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Proud!! Everytime I hear someone talk about him, and how they love his music, I feel so much pride and so much...I cant even explain it. Im beaming, smiling, giggly, so happy. I knew this day would come!! I knew it from the beginning. I remember one time we were tlaking after a show and he was like "I can feel it, Michelle, things are starting to move for me, it is going to happen any day now". This was like the summer of 2002. And here we are, two-and-a-half years later, years of paying dues, performing at all types of venues, in front of all types of audiences, selling CDs for $8 and $10. Soliciting names for mailing lists, street teaming, email blasting, rallying folks to support... all of that work finally paid off. He has a major deal with Sony, although I think they are doing him dirty, especially by shifting his release date around and not doing enough promotions. Ok so im glad he is getting to play on shows solo, because before he was like Kanye's lackey. Now he is back on the same shows, performing solo, which is wonderful. But I wanna hear more spins on the radio, see more videos, see more visual promotion, I wanna see it all.


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:


ok so anyway...

I wrote a 10-page letter and mailed it. With mailing that letter, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulder. I felt like I was finally able to put into words so many things that had been going through my mind. Not everything. not even 10%. But just a lot of pressing things that needed to be committed to paper. I am not as stressed as I was before. I am so focused right now, on what's important to me. And who is important to me. And in what capacity. Im finding that what looked a certain way through certain lenses, now looks drastically different, when the rose-colored glasses have been smashed. My glasses have been trampled on by the dramatically possessive feet of various people, and I can now see that which has been clearly right in front of me all of this time: the truth. And my, how refreshing is the truth? So much so that I had to write a letter about it.

I aint the one... tell me something I DONT know *rolling eyes*

I have to laugh out loud because I did it again. I allowed myself to give too much of myself. I said I wouldnt, but then again I said that AFTER I had already given too much. Ok, so maybe I can start from THIS point on. lol. Aahhh the rationalizations of mid-20s emotional crises.

I do not feel bad for my actions. I thought I would, but I do not. I mean shouldnt I though, If I am supposed to feel X way? I mean if X is true, shouldnt Y be true since Y is usually correlated somehow to X?

Why don't I feel that? What in me is cut off? Maybe because deep inside I feel that the feelings arent returned or that they are there but so distracted by cloudy individuals and past pain and hurt or that there isnt much of a chance of a future because of said troubles and interferences and insecurities? Maybe that is why I, in defense of what's left of my emotions, keep my distance and "do me"? Maybe I am afraid of rejection? *singing mary j* im afraid of rejection or another woman in your face... Maybe Im not so much afraid as I am wary of dramatic encounters? Lies? People from the past? People from the present? Not being a priority? Normally I would feel some type of "tug", like "damn, I cant do this anymore". And until recently, I was beginning to feel that. I was beginning to "trim the fat". But recent circumstances and situations have changed that for me. Ive been forced to reckon with the notion that by doing that, I am doing nothing to improve this situation. In fact, this "situation" is probably a figment of my imagination, who the fuck knows. Shit man, I could do so much more, show something so different. But how do you show something different to someone who doesnt want to see it? Someone too afraid to break out of the comfort zone. So frustrating when I wanna say, look no more, its ME! You have found ME!! But it would fall on deaf ears. Too many questions though, and too many times being unable to accurately explain what this "situation" is, for fear of backlash, drama, etc. I really need to just leave it alone, and I think... I think that is what I might do. Not because I want to, but maybe because I have to, for my own "emotional" security, and for his forward progress. Sometimes we make sacrifices for those we care about, those we love. Might not be the best option to suit our own desires, wants, needs, etc. but maybe the best for the overall picture. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I have to set a butterfly go. After I finish watching the catepillar change though. Gotta stick around for that.

But back to basics, I guess.

Im a great friend. I know I am because it is something I pride myself in being. But as I preach, so should I practice. I have been spending a lot of time telling someone that he needs to stop putting the drama of other folks' lives ahead of his own priorities, yet I put his drama ahead of my own priorities. Aah my wonderful hypocrisies. Such is life. But in the last 72 hours or so, I have come to realize that I can more effectively get that particular point across IF I lead by example. So it is time for me to redirect, get it together, and to use his word...focus.

And as I tell him that there are only two people important to in his world, I have to tell myself in my world, there is only one: Me. Easier said than done because in the last 6 years, I have done nothing but dedicate myself to others. So the words sound nice, but I need to set an example. Sometimes the best way to get someone to not focus on you is to push that person away. Maybe if you feel like you are a distraction, and you want that person to do so much more, but feel you might possibly be in the way, you push that person away, maybe even in mean, hurtful ways, for the greater good of the future.

I get it... I understand now...

God put me on this earth for a reason, and it certainly was not to run around emotionally chasing after the dream of love/attention/etc. Something in my broke not too long ago, and since then, I have felt the pieces chip away and dissolve. I almost feel like the inner cold is breaking through. While it initially scared me, I am almost embracing it. The cold is safe. Who would miss the warmth? No one, Im sure. But then again, if I think about it, I don't really care. Damn...I really...don't...care.

Maybe a small part of me will always hold an ember threatening to extinguish itself. That's the fire for you C.S., I miss you and love you, and you wont let me go completely cold, now would u?

A ha. Epiphany time...

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Road Trippin'

Danjaruz Demeanor:

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Locked up, they wont let me out...

...Peace to the brothers on riker's Isle!!!


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So today was weird. My first time at Riker's Island. Went to see him today, which was good because we needed to see each other, for different reasons though I am sure. We got to talk about business and things he needed me to take care of. We got to talk about a LOT of things, which was good because we agreed long time ago that communication is key.

It hurt me to see someone I care about in that situation. Even though I know it is only for a short time, it still hurts me to see someone without his/her freedom. I had to go through soooooooooooooo much to spend such a small amount of time with him. I got to the island about 8:30 am and didnt see him until after 11 am. All of that was processing, a million and one searches, take this off, put this one, open this, spread that. But it was worth it. I would have done that and a whole lot more for even 5 minutes of being able to look into his eyes and tell him that I love him and that I am here for him. I think he needed to hear that as much as I needed to say it.

Friendship is a beautiful thing. It can bring out the best of you. It can push you to your limits and beyond, forcing you to reckon with what you will or will not do for those you care for and love. He told me that he didnt want me to bend over backwards for him, but for me that doesnt register. When you care about someone or love someone, bending voer backwards is EXACTLY what you do. So when he sat there and said that he didnt want me to bend over backwards, it almost felt like he was telling me not to love him. I said this to him and he contested that, saying that wasnt what he meant.

See what I explaine dto him and what he does not understand, is that he deserves this treamtent. He deserves to have someone looking out for him. He tries to do so much for soooo many people, and he never looks out for himself. He has to begin to do that. He is in his situation now, partially because he was putting someone else's situation in front of his own responsibilities. But that is just who he is, and i doubt he will change, so he needs a friend like me to lavish attention on him, do for him, make him a priority. instead of sucking energy from him, and take take take, I give give give and unfortunately, he finds this hard to handle. Damn shame.

Anyway, I am going back next week. Im more prepared now, mentally. It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it was no walk in the park. But I know I can do it again, no problem. Like I told him, I would do anything to help him.

That's what friends are for.

Im feeling better though, now that I have seen him and seen that he is ok. I can get back on track and get ready for this interview. I am very nervous about it, but I am hoping that I do well enough to get accepted into the program. We made an agreement about the program and what happens later, so I am going to try and keep my end of the bargain. We'll see.

Keep your head up baby.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

So Much...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation: Sooooo Anxious....

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Well today I am going shopping to get him some things that he needs. The basics, nothing special. They only allow certain items anyway and I will have my list with me. I know it is only for a short time, but I want him to be as comfortable as possible.

Keeping busy keeps me from bugging out. I cannot remember ever feeling anything like this in my life. He promised to pay me back, but he still doesnt get it. He doesnt understand that I would walk to the ends of the earth for him, to make him happy, and to make him comfortable. I do that for people I care about. It is who I am. He cannot take that from me, with his suggestion of paying me back. It is almost insulting. He doesnt want to admit that me being here for him makes him feel better. He doesnt want to need anyone; he thinks he can do all of this alone. He can't. He doesn't have to because he has people, like me, who love him and will do whatever it takes to help him out.

I was glad that we had the chance to have the conversation that we had before this whole thing happened. We were able to talk about real things, real feelings, real ideas. I told him to stop trying to "protect" me. I told him that things are what they are. He knows that I am there for him and he can depend on me for anything. That is what friends are for, real friends.

Had to call his parents. That was weird. Not bad, definitely positive. I could hear their relief when they got news about him and his whereabouts. I could tell that they had been waiting anxiously. It felt good to be able to ease their anxiety. I spoke with his father last night and his mother this morning. They thanked me for contacting them and I explained everything that I was going to do for him. I wanted them to know that I am looking out for their son and that he will be okay.

Need to go get ready and go buy the things he needs: underwear, sweatsuits, socks, shoes, slippers, maybe a light jacket. He can only buy toiletries inside, so I will leave him some money.

I have to mentally prepare for the visit tomorrow. ON the trip, I will meditate and focus. He needs to see me strong and positive. He doesn't need to see that this is tearing me up inside. I feel so helpless. I want to do more, but I cannot and that is KILLING me slowly.


Danjaruz Haiku:
I miss you, sweetie
I am coming to see you
You will see me soon

Friday, January 07, 2005

Dear God

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Soon I will be done, with the troubles of the world.

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
This is such a trying time but I am doing my best not to claim it. This is the time to pray and release the ties that are binding me and my spirit. Too much negativity in the universe. Too much death and hard times. My friend is in jail. My student died this weekend. My grandmother has been in the hospital.

Lord, I need a positive light. I have my interview coming up. Lord, give me that light. Shine it my way. Calm and relax me enough to be able to make it through this interview. You know this is what I want more than anything in this world. This is my dream, ever since I was a little girl. I know I can do this. I can make a change in their lives. Please come through for me and help me come through for myself.

Im praying for my friend. Send an angel to sit with him. As he said, there is an ongoing conversation between You and he. He may have not said much lately, but he listens, Lord. Speak to him and comfort him. He needs you and he might be too ashamed to ask for help. I am asking for him. I love him, you know this Lord. Protect my friend.

I am praying for my student. She was too young God. Too young, she was a baby. I will not rebuke you as I have in the past; I just cannot understand why the innocent have to suffer and leave so soon. She was SO bright and had SO much to give this world. We needed her, the future needed her.

I am praying for my grandmother and all other people suffering with kidney problems. Dialysis is a very trying process and takes so much out of people. She is older and has lived a full life. But I pray more for those who are still too young to have to deal with stuff like this.

I am praying for the victims of the tsunami, their souls be at rest. I am praying for the survivors and that they are able to live through the grief. I pray that disease does not take over and take more lives. I am praying for relief.

I am so emotionally exhausted right now. I am physically drained. Mentally, Im two events away from insanity. Hold me, protect me, and remain by my side, as you always have been.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Birthday Shout Out to a Knight


HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A.J.

*KISS*

LOVE YA!!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Weight Loss Log

Danjaruz Depiction:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:Just like the water, I aint felt this way in years

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
So for the last couple of years I have been on a weight loss journey. As much as fat brawds love to yap about being big and sexy, 90% of them hate how they look and 95% of them are unhealthy. I chose to lose weight for the latter reason and I have been successful at healing many of my ailments caused by carrying excess weight.

So, for the past two months, I have been lax in my workout regimen. This is because I figure with all of the energetic fucking I have been doing, I was getting a work out anyway. *shout out to my work out partner!!* I havent gained anyweight, and I still think I lost a few pounds, but I know I could be doing a lot better.

I went about a week without really drinking straight up water and my face suffered for it. I had one of the worst breakouts Ive ever had and I am only now beginning to get it cleared up. Cant make that mistake again.

Mel, lets log this water!! I'm on 16 oz Mug #2

this morning I had a bowl of Total cereal with fresh blueberries and fat free milk. I am about to get a turkey sandwich from around the corner. Dinner will be leftover chicken, rice and black eyed peas, and collard greens. Should have brought my spinach to work to nibble on. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day!!

Nora, EAT MORE DAMMIT!!


Danjaruz Haiku:

The New Danja

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
25 years, 8 months, and 27 days... I finally got it. Two tears in a bucket, fuck it

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You-fuckin-reeka

Ha...

It only took a few words to do it, but it happened. THANK YOU for helping me put it all in perspective.

I apologize in advance for all of you who get swept up in the storm. Don't take it personally.

Danja is looking out for Danja.

lol@my silly emotions. Jesus, that was pathetic.

Broken now are the bond of emotional slavery.

Ahh well...siyonara!!

I'll never make the mistakes Ive made over the last 6 years again...

*cheese*



RIP Shirley Chisolm

Danjaruz Depiction:


MIAMI - Shirley Chisholm, an advocate for minority rights who became the first black woman elected to Congress and later the first black person to seek a major party's nomination for the U.S. presidency, has died. The Rev. Jesse Jackson (news - web sites) called her a "woman of great courage."

Chisholm, who took her seat in the U.S. House in 1969, was a riveting speaker who often criticized Congress as being too clubby and unresponsive. An outspoken champion of women and minorities during seven terms in the House, she also was a staunch critic of the Vietnam War.


Details of her death on Saturday were not immediately available. She was 80.


Chisholm ran for the Democratic presidential nomination in 1972, a campaign that was viewed as more symbolic than practical. She won 152 delegates before withdrawing from the race.


"I ran for the Presidency, despite hopeless odds, to demonstrate the sheer will and refusal to accept the status quo," Chisholm said in her book "The Good Fight." "The next time a woman runs, or a black, a Jew or anyone from a group that the country is 'not ready' to elect to its highest office, I believe that he or she will be taken seriously from the start."


Chisholm represented New York's Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn and served until retiring in 1983. She also was a founding member of the Congressional Black Caucus (news - web sites).


"She was an activist and she never stopped fighting," Jackson told The Associated Press from Ohio. "She refused to accept the ordinary, and she had high expectations for herself and all people around her."


Newly elected, she was assigned to the House Agriculture Committee, which she felt was irrelevant to her urban constituency. In an unheard of move, she demanded reassignment and got switched to the Veterans Affairs Committee.


Not long afterward she voted for Hale Boggs, who was white, over John Conyers, who was black, for majority leader. Boggs rewarded her with a place on the prized Education and Labor Committee and she was its third ranking member when she left.


"My greatest political asset, which professional politicians fear, is my mouth, out of which come all kinds of things one shouldn't always discuss for reasons of political expediency," she told voters.


During her failed presidential bid, Chisholm went to the hospital to visit George Wallace, her rival candidate and ideological opposite, after he had been shot — an act that appalled her followers.


"He said, `What are your people going to say?' I said: `I know what they're going to say. But I wouldn't want what happened to you to happen to anyone.' He cried and cried," she recalled.


And when she needed support to extend the minimum wage to domestic workers two years later, it was Wallace who got her the votes from Southern members of Congress.


"She was our Moses that opened the Red Sea for us," said Robert E. Williams, president of Flagler County's branch of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (news - web sites).


In her book, "Unbought and Unbossed," she recounted the campaign that brought her to Congress and wrote of her concerns about that body:


"Our representative democracy is not working because the Congress that is supposed to represent the voters does not respond to their needs. I believe the chief reason for this is that it is ruled by a small group of old men."


Chisholm's leadership traits were recognized by her parents early on. Born Shirley St. Hill in New York City, on Nov. 30, 1924, she was the eldest of four daughters of Caribbean immigrants.

She began her professional career as a nursery school teacher, eventually becoming director of a day care center, and later serving as an educational consultant with the city's child care department. She became active in local Democratic politics and ran successfully for the state Assembly in 1964.

She bested James Farmer, the former national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, to gain the House seat in 1968.

"I am the people's politician," she said at the time. "If the day should ever come when the people can't save me, I'll know I'm finished."

After leaving Congress, Chisholm was named to the Purington Chair at Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley, Mass., where she taught for four years. In later years she was a sought-after speaker on the lecture circuit.

"Whether you agree with her politics or not, she had a moral compass," said Shola Lynch, director of "Chisholm '72: Unbought and Unbossed," a documentary on her presidential campaign. "Why I was attracted to her story was because in some ways she's an average American woman who evolved into a a strong and courageous politician."

Chisholm was married twice. Her 1949 marriage to Conrad Chisholm ended in divorce in February, 1977. Later that year she wed Arthur Hardwick Jr., who died in 1986. She had no children.

"She was a mouthpiece for the underdog, the poor, underprivileged people, the people who did not have much of a chance," 88-year-old Conrad Chisholm told the AP early Monday from West Palm Beach.

Once discussing what her legacy might be, Shirley Chisholm commented, "I'd like them to say that Shirley Chisholm had guts. That's how I'd like to be remembered."


Sunday, January 02, 2005

Video Hoes Gone Wrong...*SMH*

Interview with Gloria Velez, Joe Budden, and Luke Campbell

See, this is what I don't get. Wait, I do get it, our people, Black, Latino, Male, Female, are living in a wasteland...

*shaking my head*

Saturday, January 01, 2005

half of a soul

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies"-Aristotle

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:

Half of me is gone, lost, traveling the universe... I miss you, I love you, you are the other half of me... I am crying now, remembering you, and I had to put this into words. You taught me how to love. For all of my life, I was in a void, but YOU showed me what unconditional love was really all about. You made me who I am today. I need to move forward. Everyday, I wish I could be with you. I wish I could join you, wherever you are. I am trying so hard, baby. I am trying to move on. You would want me to be happy. I'm trying C, I really am. I get so close, and let go. They come so close to your place, but I cant let them replace you. Im so scared. You were the purest love I have ever known. Remember how everyone always thought we were together? They could not believe that two people could be so close, and not be romantically involved. No one could believe in Love without lust. They didnt get us, be we understood. They had so many questions. You knew my every thought because you were my every thought. Remember sneaking out of the dorms at night? Remember getting caught? Remember how we promised to name our first born children after each other? Remember how we said we would have our first child together? You were my everything. I remember the day you were robbed of your innocence. I broke too. I felt the pain you felt. I wanted to die. I tried to die. I try to focus on the positive these days. I miss you so much. Some days, I feel like I cannot continue this life without you. It has been so hard. Im empty. I need you. You were the only person in this world who has truly loved me. You are the only person in this world who truly understood everything about me. I am too scared to let anyone else even come near to being that close because I feel like I will lose them too, just like I lost you. I cant ever bear that again.



"Everyone come behold Christopher Tracy's Parade
The show will proceed, unless it should rain strawberry lemonade
Hopefully, that will not occur; the man above has been paid
Give what you can, all you can stand, and all of your life will be made

Everyone should come and dig Christopher Tracy's piano
The chord strikes, the devil no like, so he runs 2 his evil car

Everyone come behold Christopher Tracy's Parade
Goodness will guide us if love is inside us"


Thinking about U driving me crazy
My friends all say it's just a phase, but ooh-ooh
Every single day is a yellow day
I'm blinded by the daisies in your yard


I'm not your lover
I'm not your friend
I am something that you'll never comprehend

No need 2 worry
No need 2 cry
I'm your messiah and you're the reason why

'Cuz U - I would die 4 u, yeah
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u


It's been so lonely without u here
I'm like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop this lonely rain from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

Oh baby, I can put my arms around every boy I see, oh yeah
But they only remind me of u


So what is the answer 2 the question of u
what do I look 4, what shall I do?
Which way do I turn when I'm feeling lost?
if I sell my soul, now what will it cost?
Must I become naked? No image at all?
Shall I remain upright? Or get down and crawl?

All of the questions in my life will be answered
when I decide which road 2 choose
what is the answer 2 the question of u?

u.




LuvU4ever *no more tears...*

Love,

Mookie...



Remember how we made the purest love to each other without touch or words, just souls connecting, listening to Prince? You are The Beautiful One...


Paint a perfect picture
Bring 2 life a vision in one's mind
The beautiful ones
Always smash the picture
Always everytime

If I told u baby
That I was in love with u
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

U make me so confused
The beautiful ones
U always seem 2 lose

Danjaruz Year In Review

Danja Year In Review
2004

HIGHS:
(^ = see "LOWS" for more information)

*I finally received the hard copy of my degree after finally being able to pay off my tuition bill. It came in the mail and I was so excited. I opened it and realized I could have printed it myself and saved myself $17,000.

*Becoming "pre-diabetic" as opposed to "diabetic", meaning I lost enough weight and got my blood sugar levels regulated long enough to be out of that range.

*Had a boyfriend for most of the year. This was a record making year for me. I was consistantly involved with a man for more than 6 months. ^

*Got a cat named Gizmo "Booga Bear" Valentine. Boogz has become the companion I did not know I needed until I got him. I do not refer to him as simply my cat. He is known only as my son or "the boy"

*People of color increased their voter registration, fueled by entertainment media hype and "encouragement" (inspiring a CLASSIC South Park Clip that can be heard here
"I like it when you vote bitch, shake them titties when you vote bitch..."
Some of them even bothered to vote. ^

*A sista won America's Next Top Model.

*I got a job that came with a significant increase in my income. I can also wear whatever I want to said job and I have the coolest supervisor in the WORLD. ^

*Had my first, real, all-out,gushing, exploding orgasm brought on purely by vaginal penetration and without any other "tools" or stimulation.

*Lost a lot of weight.

*Made a couple of new female friends.^

*Got my apartment to look like someone actually lives here, although I need to work on my decor (buying up IKEA does NOT constitute serious decoration).

*Got a complete gym (Pro treadmill, weight bench, full set of free weights and barbell, and an all-in-one set-up) for FREE.

*I realized what it meant to truly be in love with someone, to even believe he is/was the "one". ^

*I became more open-minded when it came to the type of men I allow myself to date, at least the physical things. Ive dated men with children, men under 6'5, men under 300lbs, men who arent darker than me, men who arent bald, men who do not live alone, etc. ^

*I reconnected with some friends I'd begun to lose connection with; people I value entirely too much to let go because of misunderstanding or distance or confusion or whatever. This has proven to be great because the time I have spent with these people has done wonders for my spirit, my well-being, and my focus on life.


LOWS:

*Found out the man with whom I have had the longest relationship cheated on me not long after my birthday. I found this out AFTER we broke up. I broke up with him because I knew he was not the "one". I knew it the entire time, but I got to the point where I could not live the lie anymore. My instincts were right; he had cheated on me.

*Bush was re-elected into office. Despite the efforts of various campaigns, Bush was the victorious one.

*I quit a job that had decent pay, because I wanted to write a book. Because of the aforementioned break-up, I had to go back to full-time work to live. Luckily, I got a gig paying almost $10,000 more than the old one. Now I am working on a career, working on becoming a public school teacher.

*The Tsunami that has killed about 150,000 people as we know right now. How catastrophic was that? What's worse is that the region was plagued by poverty, AIDS, and sexual slavery of young girls. Hmmm, makes one wonder why this happened?

*Realized that BITCHES (yes I am referring to a certain league of women) aint SHIT. Well, I pretty much knew this before, but having it reiterated yet again this year was harsh because I was just getting to the point of believing women had "friend" potential. Aside from the "mannish" female friends I have, women aint shit. interestingly enough, 99% of my female friends have more masculine characteristics, at least in the way (we) process things mentally, emotionally, rationally, etc. Our mannerisms arent as feminine as some might like, and we really could give a fuck. I cant mess with the prissy prissy chicks (except for Marcela because she is an Aries born 41 hours before me... prissy HEFFA!!! lol love ya)

*I thought I knew who the "one" was/is, I love(d) him, yet although he claims/ claimed to return the sentiment, my gut (and heart) told me this was not true. Wanna talk about devastation? lol. Yeah I can laugh about it now because I'm a dumbass for believing that my feelings could ever be returned.(there's only one dude who has ever loved me anyway) Well at least he got some pussy, that's probably all he wanted anyway. Ahh well. I should be used to this by now.

*Although I began to be more open with the men I date, this leads to me being less of a priority. I am just not special enough to anyone. Im the "friend" or the arm candy, the trophy piece, and the good pussy. Girls like me dont get the gifts or the "just because" cards/flowers/special dates. We get the late night calls and visits, the kisses in the dark, and the non chalance in public. I'm sick of the non-chalance. I am sick of the "distance". I am sick of the "let's see what happens" and the "that is a possibility". Dating casually means casual feelings. I'm having a very hard time adjusting to that, although I am trying to work on it. As a passionate Aries, that is VERY hard to reconcile. We are all or nothing people. If we cant have it all, we leave it at nothing. Whether it is getting visits after midnight, phone calls not returned until convenient for the other person, being the "Plan B" as in "If A doesnt work out, I could possibly come see you". The low point: allowing myself to sink into that and not having the will power to say "no thank you". Well, my hope is that in the coming year, I will develop that will power and stop accepting less than respectful, prioritizing treatment.

*Stalling in my book. This isnt completely my fault. The subject/focus of my book has become too busy to meet with me regularly enough to help me gather the information/details I need. Plus working two jobs doesnt leave much room for writing, cept in this blog.

*Got REALLY pissy drunk at a party to the point where I forgot some things that happened. I told myself I would never do that again, after having blacked out in college more than once, but because of all of the shit I'd been through this year, I sought escape in alcohol. That was terrible. Got screamed on in the middle of the street like a child needing discipline. Couldnt drive myself home. Twisted my ankle and fell in the middle of the street. Had to hear stories about myself for the following week.

*There was a lot of death. Seemed like for a few weeks, everytime I turned around, someone was dying, someone I knew, someone close to me. It was overwhelming.

HOPE FOR THE NEW YEAR:

*Get this teaching job in Baltimore
*Get a car
*Lose more weight
*Clear up my skin
*reconnect with distant friends, friends with whom I have lost touch, and build stronger relationships with people I love
*Reel in all of the emotional lines I have cast into the universe; I need to be more focused on the inside of ME.
*Find a nice guy to spend some real time with, real dates, interesting conversation, someone to make me feel special, like I'm a priority, someone unafraid to show affection in public, someone who enjoys me in more than a casual homegirl kind of way, wants me around and not as an alternative to other plans, someone to make me laugh, someone not so consumed with his work that he has no room for me, someone who won't fight his feelings for me, someone who wants to build a relationship with me or at least work towards it with gusto. If not, then I'd rather my interactions with men be no more than great sex, on a regular basis would be a plus. I mean, these ARE men I am talking about, and if I cannot have the former, all they are good for IS the latter.
*Stop concerning myself with having a dude in my life. Although my instincts are leading me towards building a family, I have to realize it isnt meant for everyone. Maybe it isnt meant for me? *shrug*

All-or-nothing Aries, remember?