Happy Birthday Dawn!!!!

Danjaruz Depiction:


Ole drunk ass... dame la gasolinaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!



Surrounded by loving friends!!

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday to Dawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!
Happy Birthday to you!!!

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I hate women. I really do. But in my life I have been graced with the friendship of a handful who ain't half bad. Today is the birthday of one of those people. I met her through a mutual friend and I could not be happier to have met someone so wise and wonderful.

She is the big sister anyone could hope for, and she is old as FUCK!! God woman!! you really ARE old lol *running and ducking*

No really, enjoy your day. You will have MANY more. I need someone around to watch my spawn lol cuz God knows I aint doing it.

Love you girl, and that's real!!!

Danjaruz Haiku:
Happy Birthday, Dawn
42 years and you're blessed
You inspire me

chatting...

Danjaruz Dialogue:
*this was a convo had between a homie and me. just thought it was interesting to vent my frustrations like this lol. Name has been deleted to protect the innocent*

*disclaimer: if you are offended by any part of this, FUCK YOU*


********* : just read ur blog... quite funny
Ms. Watson:
********* : just don't know about that ho label tho
Ms. Watson: im still trying to figure it out
*********: its weird
Ms. Watson: i could care less who is fucking who
Ms. Watson: so why bother pointing and calling someone a ho?
*********: i guess everyone lives by their own "codes"
Ms. Watson: doesnt affect me
********* : and if someone is living outside that code
Ms. Watson: unless they trying to fuck me and bring me HIV or something
********* : they can in turn be called a ho
********* : i feel u
Ms. Watson: its up to every individually i guess
********* : i hate labels myself
Ms. Watson: but im more concerned about the labeling
Ms. Watson: less what it is
Ms. Watson: if i fuck a diff guy every night, why should people call me a ho?
*********: but have been prone to use the word ho 1 or 2.... thousand times
Ms. Watson: why do they care
Ms. Watson: its my body
*********: iono
Ms. Watson: exactly
********* : its weird
Ms. Watson: no reason to
Ms. Watson: no reason to be concerned about my personal life
Ms. Watson: unless its a dude trying to hit it
Ms. Watson: or a chic mad cuz i fucked the dude she been after
*********: i guess if its someone that they are close to.. and feel u are playing that person out by ur actions... they will judge u
Ms. Watson: and they can
Ms. Watson: but in turn, it doesnt affect them personally
Ms. Watson: and they have no direct control over it
*********: tright
Ms. Watson: this creates insecurity and a feeling of helpless ness
*********: true
Ms. Watson: and thus they turn to labeling
Ms. Watson: cuz thats easy
********* : very
Ms. Watson: like a skinny chic who is ugly, will always hate on a pretty fat girl
Ms. Watson: why? cuz she is insecure
********* : yes
Ms. Watson: and has nothing better to do
********* : i never understood y fat and ugly alwayys have to be grouped together
Ms. Watson: exactly
********* : eh
********* : so goes the world
Ms. Watson: indeed
Ms. Watson: which is why im not pressed either way
********* : i'm a ho too
Ms. Watson: but did u catch the dick & dinner post?
*********: bout to read it
*********: u always have interesting things to say
Ms. Watson: i guess
Ms. Watson: they interest me
Ms. Watson: thats all that matters
*********: maybe i need to create a blog... i jst am not dedicated enough to update it everyday
Ms. Watson: not everyone does it everyday
Ms. Watson: some do once a week
Ms. Watson: some do twice a month
Ms. Watson: its cathartic
********* : i could imagine
********* : i need to get back into writing
Ms. Watson: ive exposed so much of myself
Ms. Watson: that i think people are more drawn to me now
Ms. Watson: cuz i never said anythign about me before
Ms. Watson: im a private person
Ms. Watson: but now people see more of me, and im finding more and more people are trying to be around me
Ms. Watson: i dont particularly care for that but whatever lol
********* : i know what u mean
*********: give me the fortune fuck the fame
Ms. Watson: now that im on the fuck you, feed me kick... fools are coming with the i love u, i miss u shit
Ms. Watson: im lke get the fuck outta my face
********* : lol
Ms. Watson: bitches
********* : another of my favorite words
Ms. Watson: i think some men, who have been in my life, see themselves as contributors to my current view of men
Ms. Watson: and feel they have to prove something
Ms. Watson: or feel that they can show me that not all men are bad
Ms. Watson: but im like , no really dude, yall all are that bad lol
*********: lol
********* : no we're not
********* : i can speak for myself
Ms. Watson: ok but see people like you arent "men" to me
Ms. Watson: feel me?
Ms. Watson: like i dont see u in the realm of these peons
Ms. Watson: cuz i have neither dated nor fucked u nor do i have any desire to
Ms. Watson: so you are removed from that
********* : lol
Ms. Watson: my male "friends" take offense
Ms. Watson: im like SHUT UP
Ms. Watson: stupid asses im not talking about yall
********* : thank goodness
*********: ok
********* : in other words....
*********: if it don't apply let it fly
Ms. Watson: its the dumb fuckahs who have tested me, continue to test me...
Ms. Watson: yes!
Ms. Watson: if i hear another sorry ass "i love you" imma scream
Ms. Watson: this week alone, 6 men have uttered that nonsense
Ms. Watson: im like fuck you and the horse u rode in on
*********: lol
Ms. Watson: ugh
*********: must be the life
Ms. Watson: bitches
Ms. Watson: must be nothing
*********:
Ms. Watson: its only cuz i want nothing to do with any of them
*********: true
Ms. Watson: when i wanted to be THAT woman, they wanted none of it
********* : thats the male psyche
Ms. Watson: now that i dont want them, its all about "i love you michelle"
Ms. Watson: FUCK YOU
Ms. Watson: this dude read my shit and was like, well that doesnt apply to me
Ms. Watson: i was like, but arent u taking me to dinner on ********?
Ms. Watson: he was like...ummm uhhhh
Ms. Watson: i was like EXACTLY
Ms. Watson: dick and/or dinner
Ms. Watson: bitch
********* : ur hilarious
********* : but i gotta run hon
*********: enjoy ur wknd
Ms. Watson: im just tired ********* is what i am
Ms. Watson: ok
Ms. Watson: u too

*smiley exchanges*

********* : u so nice
Ms. Watson: occasinoally
Ms. Watson: peace
*********: peace
Ms. Watson: can i post this convo in my blog but take out your name?
********* : oh lord
*********: sure
Ms. Watson: thanks bye

What is a ho?

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And if she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you, shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of yo business
So don't try, to go and change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of yo business

...I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
What is a ho? I have heard this term thrown around for so many years. I've even been labeled as such a time or two, even before I began having sex, because I always hung out with boys. My mother said people talked about her the same way for the same reason, yet she was a lesbian. Go figure.

I had a conversation with a man yesterday who said women are claiming he is a ho, saying that he is sleeping around with all of these women, and he claims he is not. Whether he is or not, what makes him a ho? Why are we so quick to label someone as a ho? Is it because we are envious of this person's actions, wishing we got as much "play" as he or she does? Is it because we are insecure about our own social lives? Is it because we know that we, too, are hoes?

Why are people so concerned about the sexual activity of others? The only reason I can think of is that we wish we were sleeping with these people, and we are mad that they seem to be sleeping with everyone but us. As crazy as that sounds, it is almost always true. I mean, what other reason would we care?

If I say that all I want from a man is dick or dinner, am I ho? If I have no interest in being in a relationship because men make me sick, and I use them simply for dinner and/or dick, am I a ho? Hmmm, something to think about.

I asked my friend the other day if she thinks I am a ho. She said that I was ho-like or ho-ish. LOL. This is funny, because my people don't judge me. They might lecture me or "fuss" at me as one friend put it, but they do not judge me. Nor do I judge them. In fact, I encourage their control of their sexual beings.

Get the dick, don't let the dick get you.

I admit the dick has gotten me a few times. Or maybe it was all of the skin and bones around the dick and the Bullshit Silk woven around me at the time, who knows. I have realized that I give a lot and do a lot simply because someone has some good dick. But see, knowing this has prompted me to behave differently, or at least think about things differently.

Aint no dick in this world worth that many thoughts.

Understanding this, I do what I have to do. I enjoy sex and make no qualms about it. I have had everything from weak, 30-second brothers, to cock diesel all night pleasers. I have been with emotionally unstable men and careless fuckahs. I have been with men who masked true feelings and those who were incapable of any feelings. What I do know is this. Pussy is a powerful drug as is dick.

Recently, I have had a string of exes coming at me with declarations of "i love you" "i miss you" "I wish I'd done things differently" etc. Im wondering, is it ME or is it the pussy that has them coming back after all of these months and years? I know that I have grown by leaps and bounds over the last few years and maybe they see this new me, this focused and determined me. This "take-no-shit" me and they are drawn to it. *shrug*

They make me wanna be a ho. lol

So many men, so little me. What is a beautiful woman to do?

Make em pay for dinner and keep stocked in Magnum XLs.

Holla!!

Sandwiches from the Moon

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

Ain't no stoppin me ladies from club hoppin gets my rock on
From flavors still frozen at Paradise joint
Booty shakin with the glass in my left one
Right hand sayin "Step son!!"
To me my girls is fancy fly bitches
Too my n****z straight snitches, to them other chicos
Lady pimp ain't havin that shit
If you ain't got the cash to stash, suck my dick hoes


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Yeah, the afro'd out pimp is back!! lol. lord lemme stop now before I get out of control. My girl said "Oh, you back in the saddle again?" I was like "I never got out that shit" LMAO

ha ha bitches... choke on sandwiches from the moon.

So, I went to see Def Poetry Jam last night, and overall the show was cool. I'm overly critical of poetry; it is my least favorite form of writing and I teach it, so I'm looking at it with a different eye than most.

Some of the "poets" were the usual throw ya hands in the air, shout, speak too damn fast, same ole same ole... Some of the others were more unique and I could appreciate the courage to come in front of an audience of people sharing an unusual technique and approach to poetry.

Mos Def was funny. Last year, it was "Leprechaun Strike!", this year it was "Sandwiches from the Moon". Random thoughts that come from his head that he shares with the audience and reprises them everytime he comes out. He is hilarious.

But I'm thinking, what is a sandiwch from the moon? A man who begs for pussy after I say "Fuck Off" is a sandwich from the moon. A chatter who types a lot and says nothing is a sandwich from the moon. A friend who claims to have ya back, but only stabs you in the back at every possible chance is a sandwich from the moon. A scratched Prince album/CD is a sandwich from the moon. William Shatner movies/commercials/T.V. shows are sandwiches from the moon. Korean markets charging double for the same stuff you find in a bodega is a sandwich from the moon. Peanut butter and sardines is sandwich from the moon.

I could go on and on.

Anyway. I'm a baaaaaaaad girl.

Fellas, remember... Dinner first *wink*

Im out.

Jarofelle Nalliva

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit

Danjaruz Villanelle:
Jarofelle Nalliva

On vulnerable hearts, tortured souls do prey
The weak move to fight, determined not to break
Emotions have a tendency of getting in the way

Beginning the journey, intertwined, glistening bodies do lay
Fear in their eyes, emotions for each other they cannot fake
On vulnerable hearts, tortured souls do prey

Headed in opposite directions, they beg each other to stay
Fearing separation, but togetherness being what neither can take
Emotions have a tendency of getting in the way

He seeks Her, the epitome of Woman, yet She may
Slip through his fingers; claim he does not allow her to stake
On vulnerable hearts, tortured souls do prey

Making his way through life’s clutter, he struggles day-to-day
Repeatedly losing everything, no sense of it can he make
Emotions have a tendency of getting in the way

For sweet salvation, mourners cry out and pray
Love has died; Misery smiles, seated at the Wake
On vulnerable hearts, tortured souls do prey
Emotions have a tendency of getting in the way

Dick and Dinner

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Aint no fun, if the homies can't have none

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
DICK AND DINNER TOUR: 2005...THE RESURRECTION


Yeah, so due to unforeseen circumstances, and cats thinking they "shut the tour down", the women who brought you the DICK AND DINNER TOUR OH FOUR took a brief hiatus from touring duties.

However, once again it's on!

We are proud to bring to you
DICK AND DINNER TOUR: 2005...THE RESURRECTION

What is Dick and Dinner, you might ask?
This is when women take control of their sexual freedoms and abilities and get from men what they are only good for:
DICK AND DINNER.

This may offend some, may even seem sexist, but let's face it. In this day and age, what are men REALLY 'good' for? Dick... Dinner... *thinking really hard, and coming up short*

I mean the headaches involved every time they open their mouths really isn't worth the hassle is it ladies? 99.99999999% os men are cut from the same cloth. This is that popular Bullshit Silk.

When a man says "I Love You", ladies, this is Bullshit. Men don't know how to love. They are not genetically wired to produce anything resembling "love" for us women.

When a man says "I Need You", ladies, this is Bullshit. Men don't need women for anything but home-cooked meals and pussy...oh and an occasional loan. If you cannot provide at least two of the three aforementioned qualities, men don't need you.

When a man says "I Miss You", ladies, this is Bullshit. Men miss nothing but the warmth of tight vaginas. They would rather we say nothing and sit there looking pretty.

When a man says "You Are Special", ladies, this is Bullshit . Men think Donovan McNabb actually completing a pass to Terrell Owens is "special". Men think finding two socks that match and are relatively clean is "special".

So ladies, if you feel me, help me sing it out!

From the NYC to the 9th Ward of New Orleans, we are coming to a city near you. Ladies, if you are so bold, and yet so tired of being wrapped in Bullshit Silk, demand the Dick and demand the Dinner. It is your right. Pussy rules the world and so, ladies, you must control your pussy. I know that we women produce hormones during sex that chemically connect us to the man putting his dick in us. We have training sessions on this tour, on how to combat these chemicals, and we are even working on the antidote. Be patient ladies, soon enough, you won't feel a thing!

Wouldn't that be great?

The tour offers classes like the following:

"Get The Fuck Out: Effective ways to tell a man his job is done and it is time for him to leave"

"Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...: Techniques on experiencing orgasms before he does and finishing the act before he can bust"

"Three Degrees of Dining: Skills in measuring how good the Dick is by analyzing his choice of a Dinner location"

"Stay Away From My Ass: A dual course in avoiding/preventing stalkers and keeping men from trying to poke you in the ass"


Ladies, we are here to stay. Jump on the tour bus, we have plenty of room, but only for those women who really have it in them to reject the allure of Bullshit Silk. No room for backsliders.

See you on the road!!

*smooches*

Yanno...

I could... I REALLY could...

Eh, not worth it

C'mon everyone, breatheeee

Woooosahhhhhhhh

All in together now

Woooosahhhhhhhh

Group hug?

lol

Malcolm...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

In 1492, you came upon these shores.
Seven hundred years, educated by the moors;
17th Century-- genocide and the gun
Middle Passage blessed to market the Africans.

In the so-called ““Land of God””
My kind were treated hard.
From back then until now
I see, and you agree--
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
Just see my family tree;
We have been a misrepresented people.
We have been a misrepresented people.

19th century-- slavery destroyed.
Soldiers who fought and won
What’s known as ““nigger-boys””.
20th century-- with freedom in my hand,
We invent ideas
Which helped them save the land,

But while I prayed to God
My moms and pops got whored.
From back then until now
You’ll see our history;
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
Just see my family tree;
We have been a misrepresented people
Yes, we have been a misrepresented people.

1969-- Black power's at the door.
1982-- Hip-hoppers on the floor.
1992-- Gangs and crack prevailed.
1999-- Our colors filled the jails.

It is through the grace of God
That we all were not scarred.
From back then until now
We see no comedy;
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
Were we still a mystery;
We have been a misrepresented people.
Yes, we have been a misrepresented people.

Though we march across time,
A sea of victories,
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
You know we made you grow;
We have been a misrepresented people.
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
We see our destiny
To never be a misrepresented people.

Yes, we march across to time to free
A melody
To never be a misrepresented people.

No you must never be a misrepresented people.

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
40 years without him, and how far have we progressed? I mean really. Do we take 1 step forward and take 2 steps back? For every person breaking some barrier, 10 more people are erecting another one. What is the deal my people?

Did Malcolm die in vain? Hell, WE killed him. WE did the job for THEM. A man struggling through life jsut trying to figure out who he was, at the same time trying to help the people he knew he belonged to. What did we do? We killed him!!

I cannot even make any sense as I type because I am so hurt right now. I never got the chance to meet him, hear him speak live, feel his presence in the same room, yet he means more to me than most people I know and have in my life right now. I wanna cry so bad for such a wasted life. Malcolm, I'm sorry. I know it isnt my fault that people seem to forget about you or that they don't know as much about you as they should, but I still feel apologetic. Malcolm, I love you, and I will sing praise of you until I die.

40 years... what have we done? we have destroyed our communities with drugs and gang violence. We have babies having babies. We aren't finishing school, we are content with secretary jobs or welfare. We are chasing the high of life not realizing that life cannot be pumped into our veins or smaked into our lungs. Malcolm, oh Malcolm, come back!!

I want to hate them for betraying you, but I cannot. I see the new generation of the Nation and I want to curse them, for following "him" when it was he who killed you!! You wouldnt want mem to hate though. You would want me to forgive them. Oh Malcolm, I dont even know what to type, I am so mixed up inside.

Malcolm, I have not forgotten, I will never forget. I carry the flame for you. We will progress as a people, I promise. Your life was not taken in vain. I need you, we need you, and I know you have my back.

A salaam walaikum!!!

Danjaruz Haiku:
Malcolm, we need you
Our people are suffering
We need your guidance

A Blog For You

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Well you came and open me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you....


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I have been searching for something for a long time and I know now what it was. Friendship. Yes, I do have friends, but I have been seeking a certain type of friendship. Maybe a replacement for Chris. I reflect so much on how special he made me feel, just by being my friend. No requirements, no drama, no he said/she said, no confusion, no demands, no abuse, not stress or strain. Just friendship and love.

There will never be a replacement for Chris. I know this now. He will always own that part of my heart and my being that no one else will ever reach. He will always be there with me, no matter what I go through. The thing is, I feel like I can move on, finally. It has taken so many years, but for the first time, I feel that I can move on. Not let him go, because I will never let him go. But I can continue on, now.

I have a new friend. In the short time we have known each other, I feel that he is geniuine. Sometimes, you just get that feeling, deep in your soul, when your soul recognizes a kindred spirit. There is no amount of time that can limit this connection, be it 3 minutes or 3 years, you eventually KNOW that this is someone real and pure. I have gone through so much pain, not only recently, but so much in the past few years. I can now see that a lot of the problems I have had with men have been related to me being stuck in a black hole of emotion, waiting for Chris to come back to me. I know this wont ever happen, but I have been known to expect the impossible. I have been seeking that type of purity for a long time, and coming up short each and every time.

I have a new friend, with whom I have connected on a pure level in a short time. I know in my soul he wont abuse me, hurt me, use me, toss me away. He has no ulterior motives. I know that he is not going anywhere. I know that through all of the nonsense that I been dealing with lately, he has shone through. He accepts me as I am, and he genuinely cares, and I havent felt that from a man in a very long time. I havent been able to look into a man's eyes and feel genuine care and concern, not just lust, desire, amusement, distance, confusion, etc. He listens, he talks, he sees ME. He looks into my eyes and KNOWS me, without me having to say a word.

No, I am not placing my happiness in a man. Those days are over, I believe. I am a work in progress, and it is hard work. I am opening myself up and exposing myself to the world, and in doing so, I am making myself vulnerable. I am recognizing thigns about myself that I do not like, things that I love, and things that I need to work on. This is a sensitive time for me, and I am still stuck at this crossroads. I thought I knew which way to go, which ways I was headed, but now I'm back. Ironically, I have been meeting new people, making new connections, and actually planting my feet in the ground. This is the silver lining I believe.

What I have realized is that there has been a lot missing in my life. Soft whispers, loving caresses, good listeners, bright smiles, "I miss you"s, "I was just thinking about you"s, inside jokes, etc. Since, Chris, I haven't had a male friend with whom I have not been physically intimate with, or who hasn't had tried to date me or had feelings for me, or who I didnt have "feelings" for, etc. That is problematic, and speaks a lot about my connections with people, men specifically. Why haven't I been able to do this? Maybe now is the new chance I been looking for. Maybe now, I can do the right thing, and have someone in my life in the right way.

I know this much. No one has made me feel so good, so beautiful, and so special in a very long time.

Thank you

Ha ha bitches

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Yo', this song, yo',
this song is for all the women out there
that have been lied to by their men
and I know you all been lied to
over and over again
this is for y'all
you maybe didn't break the way you should've broke, yo',
but I break
you know I'm sayin' so,
this is how it goes yo',
pss - damn, yo'

Last year - Valentine's Day
You would just warmly say
"Babe I love you, love you, (Yo' he's lyin') babe I swear"
Held you when you were sick
Even [sucked your dick]
The whole time I think to myself, this isn't fair

What is this I see (No)
You don’t come home to me (Oh, no)
When you don’t come home to me (Man)
Can’t deal, can’t bear

You keep tellin’ me lies
But to your surprise
Look, I found her red coat
And you’re bitch
Caught out there

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

So sick of your games, I’ll set your truck to flames
And watch it blow up, blow up, tell me:
How you gonna see it now
So far I’m sincere (I love you), fabrications in my ear
Drive me so far up the wall, I come slidin’ down

What is this I see (I don't believe this)
You don’t come home to me
When you don’t come home to me
I can’t deal, can’t bear (I won't)

You keep tellin’ me lies
But to your surprise
Look, I hope you're happy
Since you're
Caught out there

Yeah, you’ve been caught
Yo’, come on
C'mon

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

She’s so: raunchy, so vulgar, not me, why the hell her
Look, she dresses (Look at her) a mess, what do you see
(I don’t know)
It’s not all about cash (Hell, no), nor how much you flash
How I dress is a reflection of me

What is this I see
You don’t come home to me (Uh-uh)
When you don’t come home to me
Can’t deal, can’t bear (Told you I won't)

You keep tellin’ me lies
But to your surprise
Look, I've got somethin' for y'all
Since you're
Caught out there

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now

Valentine's Day

"Others may not see the beauty within you but I'll keep looking and bask in all that they miss...Have a lovely day and know that somebody did think about you"

Thank you, Doc
You brought tears to my eyes and made my day
You dont know the effect your words had on me
On a day like today when all I hear is "I don't do Valentine's Day" or other excuses as to why people can't or won't do anything special for me, those simple words made me feel happy, if only for a few seconds...

Thank you

*****
Things change...as do feelings..
Nuff said...
Im out.

SEXY EBONY BBWS 4 BLKMEN - - LIVING LARGE INTERVIEWS

SEXY EBONY BBWS 4 BLKMEN - - LIVING LARGE INTERVIEWS

Click the link to read an interview recently conducted for www.sexyebonybbws.com

Learn more about how I feel about being a big woman in this world!

:)

shout outs to www.sexyebonybbws.com!!

Foolish

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
You made a fool of me, tell me why...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I give too much. Someone told me that I loved him too much. Someone else told me I was "settling" by being involved with him.

They were both right. I loved too much, and I deserve a lot more.

When it is all said and done, I give entirely too much. What I give is what should be reserved for people who both want it and deserve it. I have yet to find said person, doubt I ever will. I cannot help being a giver, wanting to make people happy, wanting people to know that they are loved.

Im just the dumb ass who took forever to realize that no one really givs a shit about anything I do or say or give to them, so why the fuck am I bothering?

Yo, for real though, I'm so done. I told someone to leave me alone recently. Shouldnt have done that. He had fantastic dick. Oh well.

Two tears in a bucket, fuck it...

I just hope no one needs me for anything. I wont be around to provide it.

Why me?

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright... Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Just when I thought things were getting better and looking up for me, everything came crashing down. My heart has been crushed, my dreams put on hold once again, and life is kicking me in the ass.

I was offered a spot in the B'more teaching residency program, and everything began to seem real. I had a plan, and I was going to follow it. I was on my way to becoming a teacher, getting a master's degree, and beginning life for real.

Yesterday, I spoke with the director of the program who told me that, after final review, I fell short of the requirements to teach elementary school. She said that the grades I received in the two science classes I needed were not good enough. She said I needed a B- average, and I have a C+ average. She said that they did not catch that initially.

What hurts the most, is that they offered me the job and took it away. I would have preferred they reject me initially, instead of handing me the job and snatching it back. I was prepared to not be accepted, because of the fact that my transcipt was not great in the science department. Im not a physical science person. I did the minimum I could to meet my college requirements for my degree, but that was it. My degree is in Sociology and African-American studies. This is mostly social science, english, and history. And of course, I do not have enough of history or english to be able to teach secondary school. She said that all I have to do is take the classes at a local community college, get the credits and the average, and re-apply. But the thing is, this program was a back door of sorts. If I take these classes, I can simply apply to teach here in NY through and alternative program here.

I think that is what I am going to do. God has a plan for me, I do not know why He is preventing me from going to Baltimore, but there must be a reason. I dont know what is in store for me, but I pray for the faith to follow the path God has mapped out for me. I am blessed in that I have a well-paying job, a roof over my head, and finally I have friends in the area. I have finally been getting adjusted to living on my own here in NYC, making friends, socializing, etc. My current job lasts until September of 2006, so that gives me about 18 months to get all of my stuff together.

*Finish taking these NY state exams. I passed the LAST already, so I just need to take the ATS-W and some content specialty tests.
*Take these science classes. Hopefully I can afford to do this this summer and do well.
*Gather all of the materials I need to apply directly to the BOE using an alternat route. Sumbit the application and wait for processing. NY claims to need 30,000 teachers but they also claim to have a 26 week application processing delay.
*Hopefully receive provisional certification and be able to find a job teaching here in the city.

I think I can do all of this in 18 months. I am definitely going to try my damndest. I will focus on my future, take this as a minor set-back, and keep on going. With everything I have been through in my life, I think I should be able to get past this. I know there are people who support me and are looking out for me. Without these people, I think I would fall apart. Thank you Mom, Pumpkin, Melanie, Dawn, AJ, Cherise, Vikki, Sean, and everyone else who is in my corner, helping me and supporting me as I keep reaching towards my goal of being in front of the classroom. I couldn't continue on without your love and support.

Just bear with me folks. This is a hard time for me. I cant seem to stop the tears from falling. I dont want to be alone, but I dont want to burden anyone with my sadness. Im hurting so much. Why do these things always happen to me?

It is at times like this, that I wish I was in a real relationship. I wish I had someone to whom I could turn, bury my head in his chest and cry, as he rubs my back, kisses me on my forehead, and tells me that he loves me and that we will get through this together. I wish I did not have to be at home, right now, alone, crying into my pillow, typing all of my emotions for the world to see. At times like this I wish I had someone to call my own. It would be nice to have a solid rock in my corner. Why does it seem like everyone wants a piece of me, but no one wants all of me? What is so bad about me, that no one wants to jump at the chance to call me their own? I was going to go to Baltimore, throw myself into teaching and school, and not have to think about that part of my life.

Now I have no escape...

I'm Sexy

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
You want this...early in the morning...you want this...late in the evening... you want this... Ooooh what's my name now?...you want this... you gotta say my name, boy... you want this

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Damn Im fine. Havent you ever had a day when you were just like "Damn Im FINE as HELL"?

Yeah well, Im feeling that right now.

*striking a pose*

Alone

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
No...this is not about somebody else... I just need some time to myself...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Sometimes the best thing one can do is be by oneself. I have been coming to this same conclusion repeatedly over the past few years, but something deep inside me fears lonliness. I have been afraid of being alone, having no on thinking about me, being without some type of companionship. Recently, though, that fear has subsided quite a bit. I have been able to make some moves to overcome that fear, or at least make attempts at it.

It is hard. Im so used to having a lot of people around me or in my face, wanting me to go here, go there, do this, do that. It is still similar, except now, I think I just want peace. I want a life without confusion of any sort, and in my life, most of my confusion has come from deep within my heart and soul. Emotional confusion seems to have been my life force. That isnt good, and i have ben learning how to not let emotions or emotional attachments consume me.

When one goes from having very little affection, love, attention, or any real emotions, to being overwhelmed by them, confusion is pretty much unavoidable. I have been swimming in a pool of confusion for too many years. How can I let go when I cant find the strength inside to be alone? has been the question I have asked myself repeatedly.

Why do people want to be around me? Ok so maybe Im occasionally funny. Maybe I love having a good time. But what draws people to me? Why do some people take me for granted or take advantage of my goodness. Why do I let them? Why do I do so much for so many people, and sit at home, alone, content to receive very little in return? Maybe forsaking my own happiness has been a means of escape. But from what?

Seems like all of a sudden, people actually care about me. People are genuinely interested in thigns I do, moves I make, and the like. It weirds me out because I am honestly not used to it. Im not used to so many men (and recently women) being attracted to me. Im not used to people asking about me, wanting to know who I am. I am not used to people wanting to be friends with me. What does this all mean? Has the energy I put out changed, thus attracting more people to me? Have I begun to finally open up? When I open up though, the confusion flows out and maybe people cannot understand what Im saying or going through. So for the most part I keep my mouth shut, and again, turn to myself.

I am the only person who can make me happy. I can do nothing more than enjoy the time I have on this earth. I can only do what God put me on this earth to do. So far, He has directed me to becoming a teacher and my feet will follow the path He has laid out for me. I know what I want, but I always seem to settle for something less. It is as if I cannot convince myself that I deserve more, or maybe I do not think that "more" relly exists. I take what I can get, I think. Im working on that though. I want all or nothing, but yet I often settle for the in between.

I cant really do that, not anymore. I'd rather be alone... And I am sure that is what is in store for me in the near future. I'm kinda glad though. I need to be alone, as I came into this world, and as I will leave this world.

Yeah... alone...

Danjaruz Haiku:
I need to be me
I need to be only me
Alone is my heart

Moving forward

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
'Cause it's my night
No stress, no fights
I'm leaving it all behind
No tears, no time to cry
Just making the most of life


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
It has begun. The beginning of the rest of my life. I am doing it my way.
By the grace of God, I have been accepted into the Baltimore City Teaching Residency program. I begin training in June, and teaching last August.

I am moving to Baltimore, MD and I cannot wait. This means more than just a job. This means a new beginning. This means a time for me to begin building and establishing myself. This means beginning to plan for my future. Getting my career started, getting more advance degrees, possibly buying a home. Time to reflect on the past 25 years, the dark ages, the depression, the sadness. Time to create joy, happiness, and positivity.

I'm loving myself right now. Nothing means more to me than this. Will I miss home? Yes. I was just telling a friend of mine that it took me so long to actually make one or two new friends who are local to me, just for me to end up bouncing. NYC has always been my home, and I am most comfortable here. Now Im moving to another state and really beginning again.

Im working on letting go of my issues, demons, hinderances, things holding me back. Im leaping over obstacles, searching inside to find the beauty that I know is within me. It has been overshadowed by my focus on others, but I think, for once, I need to look at me instead of at others. For the first time in my life, I feel the need to indulge in myself, my needs come first. Even my wants come first.

Im going to focus on getting my place, getting a car, gettinig my Master's degree, and being the best teacher I can be. Dont have time for much else.

Good plan, just need to stick with it.

Free Light...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Horoscope:
You're already famous for being aggressive, but to say that you'll be a bit bold in your approach to someone new won't quite cover it. You'll be well past bold. In fact, you'll cross over into a behavioral territory that can only be referred to as brazen. So if a third party is foolish enough to stand between you and the object of your affection -- well, let's just say they won't be standing in that spot for long.

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I guess I betta wake up...and stop living in a dream yeah...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Thank you for being you. Thank you for the conversation, which afforded me numerous revelations. I felt my mind unraveling during the process. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for opening up, as much as you could. I know it isnt your style, but I'm glad it happened. I said a lot of things I needed to say and I feel so much better for it. Im glad we have no more limitations or restrictions. Im glad that I dont have to feel bad about my feelings or feel guilty.

Back to the rest of my life...

He might not get out this week. There is a slight chance that due to paperwork mix-ups, he might be stuck there even longer. I am praying that everything gets cleared up and they let him out. I cant even begin to express my frustration or anger at him for putting himself in this predicament because it doesnt help the situation or him at all. Im just trying to be a supportive friend and call it a day. Not much more I can do than that. If there is anything he needs me to do, I try to do it.

Im anxious to hear from this program. Im hoping I get accepted. Really hoping I get accepted because I need to do something real with my life. This program will give me the chance to teach, earn a master's degree, and even make it easier to buy a home. These are all the things I want out of life, and my hope is that at 26, I can begin to do all of these things. Me. No one as a crutch. No one helping me out. Just me.

I'm a big girl now...