Pissing Me off Sucka

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Today I'm not feelin pretty
See I'm feeling quite ugly
Havin' one of those days
When I can't make up my mind
So don't even look at me
See I don't wanna hear your problems
Cause I'm having some of my own
I know it's not your fault
That I'm feelin' down
I just wanna be left alone

Down and out in depression
I think the worst of everything
My lower back is aching
And my clothes don't fit (oh shit)
Now ain't that a bitch

Got an attitude and I aint talkin' to you
Only if the shoe fits
I don't care what you think about me
I don't need you crawling 'round me
No don't need your sympathy, no
I don't need it, no no

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok, so I have never been one to have typical PMS symptoms or experiences, and it is something I have always been kinda proud of. I see a lot of women go through these times and get all bitchy and blame it on PMS, as if having a period gives them carte blanche to do and say anything they want for a week.

I've always thought that even though women might feel cramps and bloating, or have emotional mood swings, it is still no excuse to lash out at people and blame it on being a woman. As women, we get enough blame placed on us and enough negative things said about us, that we need not give in to the status quo.

Well...

Fuck all that.

As I have gotten older, I have begun to experience this thing called PMS. I am finding that I begin to get bloated, I get cramps (which i never used to have and all of my friends were so envious), I get achy, I get moody, and I become bitchy.

But people contribute to that shit, and I refuse to take all the blame, or blame my reactions just on me being on the verge of leaking uterine lining for 4 days.

Exhibit A: I'm at the DMV to renew my license, right (which relieves me of all "womanly" reactions just by virtue of being at the DMV). After standing on the "Information Counter" line for 45 minutes, I am told that I need to go take a picture and get a number. I go to the picture line which had about 12 people in front of me, so I'm thinking I'm going to get through this quickly. WRONG. I'm standing there waiting and I had the luck of standing in front of a short latino thug wannabe who just HAD to have a Nextel phone and was having the most ignorant, ghetto conversation I have ever heard.

Ignorant Ghetto Boy: Yeah B, yanno, it's like I love you girl, namean, I mean I'm saying, I'll pop a nigga that's trying to get in my panties yaheard.

Equally Ignorant Ghetto Brawd: yea, papi, I hear you

IGB: For real, B, yo you know I just got out, right. Them niggas couldnt fade me, I'm God!! But check it, ma, I'm here at the DMV tryna do the right shit for you, bitch. And you aint even feeling me, word to God B. Why you treating me like this?

EIGB: Treating you like what?

IGB: Like I aint about shit, B. I'm here tryna get my I.D. right, so I could maybe get a job or some shit, finally do shit legal and shit, then get me a car right, so I can take you places. Bitch, you aint even appreciating shit I do, word to God, B.

EIGB: Nigga please!

IGB: See all that shit! Bitch, why I gotta be a nigga though? Why I gotta be a nigga? Did I tell you bout the 9mm I got at the crib? Shit, same way I'll pop a fool, I'll pop you, too. Shit you aint shit to me, B.

EIGB: You say you love me, but you don't do shit for me.

*At this point, Danja is getting irate*

IGB: Yo, B, for real though, I had $100 this morning. I got my priorities, yo. I went and got 3 fitteds right, my mans got me a deal n shit, 3 fitted for $70. Now I got like $40 left and shit, I'll give you $20 if you come through the crib and give me some pussy. Yo, didn't I fucking take you to welfare when you ain't had no dough? You needed some dough, I took you. That other nigga you fucking aint do that shit. All he does is punch you in face, and you call me crying in shit, B. You, bitch, I been loving you since fucking elementary school, B. Like 5 years and shit, B.

EIGB: Why you gotta bring up old shit tho?

IGB: Cuz for real, next time you come to me with that shit about he punched you, I'mma punch you my fucking self, B. Word to God, I'mma smash ya fucking face in myself.


OK, this went on and on and on, until I was able to get my picture taken, receive my number, and wait another hour for my number to be called. I stood there so angry at this entire display, that I felt my fists balling up and I could feel my heart beating faster. I was a minute from punching this little fucka dead in high light bright nose. For real, B.

Exhibit B: I'm in a handful of yahoo groups and I peruse the posts daily, especially when I'm bored at work or at home. I respond to ongoing discussions and engage is cyber debates. Occasionally they get heated, but recently, I exploded on a dude when I should have just skipped his message. We were talking about parental supervision and this one guy was saying that parents needed to have more supervision over their kids, or their kids were going to end up fucked up, to say it succinctly. I then mentioned that I went to boarding school and that it contributed more to my social development than being at home. We are exchanging personal opinions and views, and he makes the following statement:

"I thought that you would realize that I know that your first few nights away from home werent great ones."

Don't ask me why, but this line (coupled with the rest of the bullshit he typed) really set me off. I was thinking how dare he have the audacity to tell ME how I felt when I was away at school??? He had been making statements like this all day, presenting opinions and random thoughts as facts. Read this line with me people. He is telling me that he KNOWS that MY first few nights away from home werent great ones, when in fact they were wonderful! I was happy to be away from home, in a new environment, etc. But something about him trying to tell ME how I felt really got to me. So I proceeded to blast him, calling him a moron and telling him to shut the fuck up, oh and that I was done with him.

Maybe it was the PMS. Maybe it was him being an asshole. Maybe it was a combination of both, but I laid into him something terrible. I don't regret it. Fucking moron.

Well, I'm tired, bloated, and I got some Ice Cream in the freezer.

I'm out.

No Tiara Birthday Tour

***NO TIARA BIRTHDAY TOUR***


Ok, this is the thing.
My birthday is one week from today.
APRIL 6 to be exact folks. (Write that down)

It has been a long time since I have done anything big and glamourous for my birthday. The last big party I had was when I turned 21, in college, at a club. To that party, my friends and I arrived in a horse-drawn carriage, and upon arrival, our other friends pretended to be paparazzi and took lots of pictures as we entered the party. Each of us had our own theme song as we entered.

My theme song was "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" by Prince.

(I mean cmon folks, this is ME we are talking about here, what did you expect me to choose? LMAO)

Well I thought I would do something major for my 25th birthday since that is usually the next "big" birthday, but I wanted to be different. I decided I would do it up big for my 26th.

So a few months ago, I sent out an evite, rallying my female friends near and far for a ladies weekend like no other. Those closest to me agreed to be down and that made me feel good. Then I decided to have a dinner and invite a few males friends to meet up with me and my female friends. I figured hey, 10-15 people, a nice dinner somewhere, what a wonderful way to celebrate my birthday!

Well...

That dinner went from 10-15 people at a place where we have a reservation and white cloth service, to 40-45 people bumrushing a restaurant that has a bogus reservation policy, but is one of my favorite places to eat. Friends, family members, and everyone I decided to look at that evening will be there and you know what? I'm happy about this.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not big on being in the spotlight. I learned a long time ago that I will not have much of a choice in this regard due to my size, my extroverted personality, my passion, and my overall presence. I have learned how to "work" the spotlight, so to speak, but I always prefer to be in the background, quietly observing and/or manipulating things according to my vision.

This is one of those times that I will enjoy being in the limelight or being the center of attention. It is my birthday dammit!!!

On April 7, I am getting my hair done early in the morning. Then I am picking up my rental car from the airport. I am later attending a banquet for the Women of Lawrenceville, which should be cool. And it's free, LOL. Then I have to go and pick up one friend from on airport and another friend from another airport. Then back to the crib.

On April 8, we are going to get beauty treatments during the day, and attend a party in the evening. All of you in the NYC area, I invite you to come party with me. It's FREE!!
Click Here For More Information

On April 9, who knows what we will do during the day, most likely recover and then in the evening is my Big Birthday Dinner, followed by some sort of dancing entertainment. From what I hear, it's a "surprise". LOL, yeah, chew on that.

On April 10, we might try to hit up the Basquiat exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum. One of my friends flies back home on Sunday so we have to drop her off. That night, we should be headed to club Deep for a night of dancing to some soulful house music.

On April 11, I drop my last friend off at the airport and go home to get some sleep...for the rest of the day.

Dinner for 10-15 people became a long weekend of non-stop partying and time spent with people I love the most. Go figure!

One more week...

**ETA: SO yeah, I forgot to mention: No fuckin' tiaras either!!! I see people rocking tiaras (sorry lorraine) and I'm like ok, how many times did you get beat with the "What The Fuck??!!" bat? Tiaras are for beauty queens and little girls who still think becoming a princess is as real and easily possible as becoming a school teacher. I am going to be 26 years old in a week, what do I look like, a grown ass woman, walking around with a Tiara without a sash reading "Miss Full-Figured America" and an entourage?

No, I will NOT wear a fucking tiara and look like a fucking fat ass Miss Piggy wannabe with a Bedazzled tiara on my head.

This year we say "NO!!!!!" to Birthday Tiaras!!!!

carry on...

De-FAT-netizing Myself

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
I'm not the average girl from your video
And I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Yo. Im fat. For real though. I am fat. I used to be so ashamed of being fat. Now I just have issues with my culture of fatness. Allow me to explain.

Ashamed of being Fat:

-Don't like the way my body looks or is shaped.
-Don't like looking in the mirror
-Embarassed because I cannot fit into some spaces like narrow chairs or roller coaster rides at Great Adventure.
-Lamenting over the need to lose weight
-Can't shop at regular stores because the extended plus sized clothes are only carried in certain stores.
-Embarassed when people stare at me with disgust or like they have jokes in their heads.

Now see, it has been a long time since I have felt this way because I have lost a considerable amount of weight in the past couple of years. I love the way my body is shaped now, with my glorious height, womanly hips, narrow waist, supple breasts (yeah...I said "supple" dammit), shapely calves (distinctive from my ankles, no "cankles" here folks!), etc. I love looking in the mirror, but I dont think I ever had that problem before. I can fit into pretty much every chair I try to, although I haven't been back to Great Adventures since I was bigger. I still lament over the need to lose weight, because I want to be healthier and live a long life. I can shop at most department stores now, and although I still shop at big girl stores, I'm not looking for the biggest sizes anymore. People never exactly glared at me frequently, but there were times in my life when I felt like someone was sneering at me as I squeezed into a seat on the train. Now I get even more people staring at me, but the responses are positive. They have usually been positive from men, but men stare with the eyes of their dicks, and pussy is pussy is pussy. But now people ask me if I model (or ask me to model for a line they are designing or what have you) and compliment me and such. It is quite interesting to say the least.

Ashamed of my Culture of Fatness:

-I love food so much and I love eating very rich, calorie saturated foods.
-I am currently pre-diabetic. I was "full blown" diabetic a couple of years ago and was on medications. But I lost weight and my doc took me off the meds. I know that I have to eat healthy to reduce the risk of crossing the threshold, but I dont always do this.
-I have gotten comfortable in the skin I am in. I figure since Im a lil slimmer, have great clothes, attract men, and don't have to take meds, I can do whatever I want, in terms of eating.
-I havent worked out for real in a long time. What's worse is that as I type this, I can raise my head and see a weight bench, free weights, a treadmill, and an all-in-one gym
-When I see people I havent seen in a while, they say "Wow you look great, you are losing weight" and I feel all special and shit. Why arent we motivated to work out and eat right when people tell us we look great?
-My favorite pasttime is laying in my bed...asleep.
-I envy my fat ass orange tabby cat for being able to sleep 20 hours a day.
-After I eat, I get mad at myself.
-I have to struggle very hard to walk past every Dunkin Donuts, krispy kreme, and cold Stone Creamery. Not because I even like sweets, cuz I really don't. I believe that fat people are just drawn to these establishments by some magnetic fat sensor they have attached to the doors.
-I drop stuff on the floor and my fat ass is too lazy to bend over and pick it up, so I'm like "eh" and I keep walking.

These are examples of the culture of fatness. So many blind people say to me "Oh you aren't fat, you're thick". That's that "I want some pussy" bullshit silk that men wear and try to drape over me. Why? Because they don't like admitting that they like "FAT" women, so they come up with these more socially acceptable terms like "Thick" or "Fuller-Figured" to be more comfortable. Well anyway, I'm fat. Not as fat as I used to be, and not so fat that I am ashamed of being fat. I DO have a Culture of Fatness though, that has permeated and taken over my daily life.

I mean, I know that in the past week I have consumed enough greasy calories to equal about 2 lbs and I know I worked off about 1 lb of that just walking and moving around throughout my travels. But 1 lb a week is NOT good.

I can't motivate myself to walk 7 steps to my treadmill, plug the sucka in, and hop my fat ass on it for 20 minutes. I used to be SO good at this stuff. I used to work out 4-5 times a week, for like 2 hours.

I have gotten comfortable where I am and that isnt good. I need to continue to work out, eat better, and stop allowing my mental fatness to mess up all the progress I have made.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a way for me to track my weight loss and hold myself accountable. Well, I am going to get back to that. The pharmacy near my job ordered a scale for me, one of those digital onces that goes up to 500 lbs. I just did a big grocery shopping and I am working on cooking more at home and taking food to work, instead of ordering from the diner around the corner (I can save money too). I am going to stay more to myself, because I find when I hang out with folks, I'm more likely to eat unhealthy or be distracted from working out. This cannot go on.

My culture of fatness has my house looking a mess. That sucks. I've become so lazy. I think my culture of fatness is interfering with my motivation and drive to continue on with grad school. It is becoming less about my size and more about mental lazy fatness.

This sucks ass.


Danjaruz Haiku:
Yo, I am so fat
I got a phat ass...and gut
I am too lazy

Rolling Eyes

Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...
I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names,
and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one


yeah, just had to put that up ONE MO GEN

We just vibin aint we Mel

Cuz they simply don't get it LOL

When you begin to give a fuck, tell me how it feels, and whether or not I should try it for myself

Holla!

More Than A Stop

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
One of these nights
I'll hear your voice again
You're gonna say, oh, how much you miss me
You walked out this door
But someday you'll walk back in
Oh, darling I know
Oh, I know this will be
Sometimes it takes, sometime out on your own now
To find your way back home

Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
It won't be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
You need my heart
Almost as much as I need your soul
You look
I glance
We connect without a conscious understanding
Of why, or how

You need my soul
Almost as much as I need your heart
You reach
I grab
We long for each other, unable to comprehend
The what, or why

You need my mind
Almost as much as I need your body
You dream
I fantasize
We wish that life would allow us the chance to experience
The where, or what

You need my body
Almost as much as I need your mind
You reject
I resist
We hope for the best, reconciling within ourselves
The why, and the impossibility

I need you
Almost as much as you need me
You love me
Almost as much as I love you

You... me... us... We

Steak and Blowjob Day

GorillaMask.net: One month until the most romantic day of the year!

"For guys, Valentine's Day is the most (begin Daffy Duck voice) despicable (end Daffy Duck voice) day of the year. We bend over backwards, even more than usual, in hopes of getting our lady to literally do the same. Our performance on February 14 is under an extreme microscope, and will likely determine how many times we'll consider suicide over the next 365 days. Either we perform well and get to keep our sanity, or fuck it up and have to settle for the occasional "okay, but I'm not taking off my rings" hand job until next February rolls around. We just can't win. We start to feel a Peter Gibbons-esque lack of motivation.

Luckily, there's a counter-V-Day holiday that should cure that complacency. It's called Steak and BJ Day, and every guy should introduce his female friend to it today, before embarking on a romantic night dedicated to her happiness. That way she'll know to keep all of his painfully good deeds fresh in her mind for the next 28 days."

Ok ladies, get in the kitchen and on ya knees!!!

Let's give them what they want LOL

oh wait
I dont have anyone to do this with

ahh well, I aint get shit for Valentine's Day either

What Bible Book are You?

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Danjaruz Horoscope

Damn...


With Mercury just hours away from turning retrograde, your plans for the weekend may not go off exactly as you'd expected -- in fact, they probably won't. All you can really count on, for the next three weeks, is that whatever can go wrong will. That goes double for you, since Mercury will be doing this dance in your very own sign. Fortunately, if anyone is good at coming up with a Plan B, or C or even D at a moment's notice, it's certainly you.

Taking it back...

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

You said it loud, and I heard you
Never tried to hurt you
Some say I'm old-fashioned
I like to take my time and do it slow
You know with the flow
But don't try to rush it
So ride it like a horse
And let nature take its course
Get to know each other
Be my friend not just my lover
Share your thoughts with me
Love my mind not just my body, baby

Do you really want me, baby? Let me know
Cuz if you really like me I suggest you tell me so
Got no time for silly games, that ain't even why I came
Cuz I may be the kind of guy you like

Please understand the way I feel
I must have trust or there's no deal
My emotion's ain't to be
Played with or given free
I appreciate greatly
The way you toleratered me
Sometimes I do act flaky
I wouldn't blame you if you hate me
You put up with my butt
When I wouldn't give it up
Yeah, I know that really sucks
But if you wait awhile, I'll make it up

Who me? A tease? Brother, please
You're just having bad memories
About some skeeze who did the squeeze
And had you on your hands and knees
Look, I am telling you straight out
That's not what I'm all about
I'd just be playing myself out
If I spent the night at your house
Now don't get me wrong
I didn't mean to turn you on
We haven't known each other long
But this is my life not just a song

Sure, I guess...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Should anybody ask for me
Tell them I'll be... right back
In a real short time
It's just that I lost my mind
I gotta find it
But once I hop on my train of thought
I'll get back to you, pronto
To collect myself
There's really nothing you can do to help

Don't wanna lose my focus
Well it's to late now
Cause I'm reminded
I wanna put it behind
But I'm behind it
Lord knows I'm tired
As much as I'd love to join you
On planet Earth right now
Know that I'm too hurt
Right now to be civilized
I need this time alone
Cause it won't be long

-Brandy "Focus"

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
My head hurts and Im considering going back on medication. I am finding that it is even more hard to focus now than it has been in a very long time. I haven't been this scrambled in years. This is not the time to lose control of my thoughts. I am at too critical a juncture in my life to be stuck trying too hard to figure things out, instead of getting things done.

I either can't sleep or I sleep too much. I either can't eat or I eat too much. I either can't love or I love too much. I'm either insecure and self-loathing or too stuck on reveling in all that is great about myself.

When I'm humble, people think something is wrong. When I'm high strung, then I'm a bitch. When I'm quiet, people think I have an attitude. When I talk too much, people think I have an attitude. When I am modest, people laud me and tell me I should shout out and be proud. When I am proud, people tell me I'm not all that. When I'm hurt, and make it known, people think I'm seeking attention. When I'm hurt and keep it to myself, people think I'm not open enough.

When I don't care what people think, I'm an unapproachable bitch. When I do care what people think, then I'm stupid and weak. When I reach out to people, I come on too strong. When I stay to myself, then I'm avoiding people, which in turn pisses them off.

When I give love, I'm not loved in return. When I refrain from giving love, I become the most desired/loved.

Fuck it.
I'll shut up.

Every sinner has a song...

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If you find anything in me
That should not be
Take it out, take it out, take it out
And cleanse me
It's my desire to be right

Create in me
A clean heart
Create in me
The right spirit

I want to be right
I want to be whole

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Fuck it. Im a sinner. I know this. Everyone is a sinner. We all sin. Even those of us who are pretentious in our religious devotion are sinners cuz we think we are better than other sinners. Ok so that isnt me because I know I sin. I cuss, I lie occasionally, I have pre-marital sex, I watch porn and masturbate, I don't go to church like I should, I haven't tithed yet this year, I envy my friends who are in law/medical/graduate school, I think about ways in which I can get revenge on people, I pass judgement about most people I encounter.

I went a decade not believing in God. I believe now, and I believe in Jesus Christ as the risen savior. I acknowledge this and while I love to engage in relgious debate, I know these truths to be self-evident. I would never again deny this fact. Do I wish I were more Christ-like? Sure, why not. Honestly, though, I indulge in the pleasures of the flesh. Like most people, I eat to much, have entirely too much sex, drink too much, inhale things I shouldnt, I am addicted to tattoes and piercings, I eat pork (after years of not doing so), I eat meat and dairy together, I eat shellfish, I dont think gay poeple are evil and I think they should have the right to get married.

I believe now, but I still sin. I don't try to front like I'm super religious when I know Im living in sin daily. I often see people on the net talk a lot of stuff about God in one breath and sex in another. I see people giving God the glory and turning around going on and on about how much they love sex and freaky sex and how they wish they were having sex, etc. I mean hey, if that works for them, but I cant front. I know I talk about getting dick and such and yes, I enjoy it. I know I'm a sinner. Do I wish I was different? Yes. But since Im not, Im not going to misrepresent the name of God, and be like "yeah baby Im a superfreak, praise Gawd, praise Gawd"

The Lord Knows My Heart ---"Sinner's Anthem". This is the mantra of every willful sinner. "Well, I'mma go home tonight and suck some dick of some dude I just met, but the Lawd knows my heart, so He understands." What He understands is that you are a fraudulent sinner and full of shit. God is prolly looking at us like "These damn heathens!! They haven't learned yet!!"

How the hell yu partying on Friday and Saturday night and in the church Sunday morning falling out crying for forgiveness, knowing damn well you gonna be back in the club next week, in revealing clothing, trying to snag some pussy/dick? What part of the game is this? This is something I could never understand. This is partly why I have had this love/hate relationship with "CHURCH" as an institution. The people are so hypocritical, living wrong, etc.

I dated a Deacon. He cheated on me. *enter expletives here* Again, I ask, what part of the game is this?

We are only human--- "Sinner's Anthem" (The Remix) The excuse of everyone who falls. Chorus will go something like this:

Even though I sin
I know that I'm gonna win
Cuz I'm only human
And Im forgiven

Cuz Im a fast ass
And my sins wont last
Dont put me on blast
All this will pass

*take that take that...uh huh uh huh*

Right so... You won't see me thumping a Bible, telling who is right and who isnt. You wont see me out there fighting abortion or holding up signs that say "Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve". For one, I don't believe in Adam & Eve, and second, I have other things to think about besides the problems/issues of gay people.

I wont be quoting my favorite hard core rapper one minute and talking about how much I love the Lord. I'd rather deal with my own contradictions on a personal level, rather than display to the world how completely foolish I am in my way of life. Do these religious juggernauts not realize how silly they appear? I mean WOW.

I love gospel music. Ive been in about 4 or 5 gospel choirs in my lifetime. Ive had many a solo, where I have broken down in tears in front of an audience of hundreds or even thousands. I feel what I sing. Im sitting here listening to "Praise Is What I Do" and I fnd myself getting emotional. Not only because of my love for Jesus Christ and my appreciation for his sacrifice, but because I know Im not living right, and I cant seem to get off my ass and make things better. I am also thinking about the conflicts in my mind and heart and soul, about my devotion, belief, faith, my acts, my walks, etc.

In all of this, I know one thing. I hate phonies. I hate the people who go on and on about God and live the sinningest lives possible. I can make up a word if I want to, dammit because Im testifying here!! If you shout God's name more times while you are getting dicked down than you do in the sanctuary, there is a problem. I have this problem. God is used to hearing me call his name. God, Jesus, followed by "Oh fuck!!!" and "Oh Shit!!!" and "Oh God you are fucking the shit out of me!!!!"

Well ok so God isnt fucking me, but damn I couldnt imagine Him doing it any better. Is that blasphemy? Am I going to hell? I hope not, cuz I doubt Satan would let me bring my Fred Hammond, Hezekiah Walker, Donnie McClurkin, Shirley Caesar, and Clark Sisters music to hell. And I cannot live without my gospel music.

"The presence of the Lord is here!!!" *dancing in my seat at work*

People don't like me. Thats ok. *shrug* I dont like them *shrug* But dang, dont get on my bad side when your shit isnt tight.

Do ya think of Jesus when you sucking dick you aint married to?
Do ya think of God when ya shaking ya ass on the dance floor?
Do ya think of Jesus when you are busting an unprotected nut in some brawd you met last week?
Do ya think of God when you cheat on ya girlfriend/wife?
Do ya think of Jesus when you engage in Roman-like orgies?
Do ya think of God when you are talking about your favorite porn star?
Do ya think of Jesus when you engage in sexual conversation?
Do ya think of God when you gossip?

Hmph... I do. And I know I'm wrong. So does God.

One Day Imma figure it out...and I know He will be there to listen to me.

Waterloo

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
If you don't know me by now, you will never never know me...

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok so damn, what a night. For the first time in a long time, I did not back down or compromise or "shut up". I held my ground because I knew that I was right. Ok, maybe not right, because it isnt a matter of right or wrong. But I know what I was saying was making sense and real. I listened to the other side, understood it, in all of its contradictory complexities, and still held my ground. Normally, after a while, especially with men, I just shut up when I come to the realization that this is an issue of me being too much woman and them feeling out-manned.

I don't ever want any man in my life to feel that way, so rather than continue to "argue" my side, I shut up, since I know that the fact that I even have a rebuttal contributes to the out-manning. (He even asked "why do you always have to have a rebuttal to everything I say?" Damn, I must have slipped and forgotten for the last few weeks that people aren't supposed to respond to others, or give their opinions, or even express anything opposite of what a man is saying, because, well, thats just overpowering and forceful... not strong in a positive way, in a "you think you are better than me" way) This "shutting up" is what led me to some abusive relationships, and after getting slapped a few weeks ago, to the point of having my ears ringing for a couple of days, I'm not going that route again. Even if it means losing the person in the process.

Battling contradictions is so hard. How do you tell someone he "isn't right", when his views encompass both sides of the issue, and when the mere "rebuttal" or suggestion that he might be wrong brings about anger? Anger to the point that he shuts down and doesn't want to listen to anything you have to say? It is fighting a losing battle.

One minute he says he knows me well enough to know XYZ, the next section of the conversation he says he doesn't know me that well, so he can't make assumptions about me. Which one is it? Do you know me or do you not know me?

One minute he says I don't let him talk, I don't let him get any words in, actually more than one minute, he throws this in my face more often that even he realizes. Then he wonders why I know so much about him. "I told you that? Wow, I must really like you" He is always amazed that he has revealed deep things about himself to me. How is it that I know so many of his secrets, stories of his life, private issues, things he is dealing with in his heart and his mind, even so much that he forgets that he has told me these things? Some things he tells me 2 or 3 times, not remembering that he told me, and even more important, not acknowledging that I listened.

Why? Because he doesnt want to acknowledge that I do, in fact, listen to him, quite intently. Why? Because this is all he has to hold on to to keep me at bay, to keep me at distance. Being listened to is MAJOR for him, and he often speaks about not being heard. See, he is conflicted, in many ways, so he has to find fault. He has to find fault in me because I could be too perfect, and he is admittedly suspicious of everything and everyone. So what does he do? He holds on to this idea that I don't let him talk, that I don't let him get words in, that I don't listen to him, when in reality, he and I both know, I do nothing BUT listen to him. He feels this way because I am forward in conversations, I'm a debater, I know how to converse, aggressively and otherwise. I have a booming voice to match my booming personality, I am direct and blunt, and I speak with confidence. He uses these things to suggest that I don't let him talk or that I am incapable of listening to him.

See, for him, a conversation consists of one person speaking a long spiel, and stopping, then the other person coming in for a long spiel, and stopping. The speech should be slow and soft, and easy going (yes, he said this, and what do you know, I remember it...go figure). He doesnt see how my rapid conversation, my going back and forth, my making sounds of agreement or my uttering words as he is speaking is NOT my interrupting him or being rude, it is my way of conversing, getting into the vibe of the person, connecting with their flow. As many times as I have told him this or explained it, it does not matter because it isnt HIS way of conversing, and therefor it isn't acceptable. I am expected to bend to his way of conversing, rather than he learning to gel into mine, or us finding a happy medium.

Oh see, did I mention, everything with him is his way or requried to bend or mold to some version of his way? He knows this, but wont admit it outright. Well actually he does admit this in his own way, but laughs it off so that the person he is speaking to wont be too thrown off. He has his roundabout ways of saying this, but the point comes through clearly. **I dont do things this way, I don't like this, this is what I want said to me, this is how I want it said, not too little, not too much, but just operate within these boundaries because this is what works for me.** If I say something like "well people are different and everyone isnt going to do things your way" he gets mad or he wants to argue it. But if I do or say something and his response is "well people are different and everyone does things different ways, this is just my way" he doesnt see the contradiction/irony in his words.

Battling contradiction is do hard.

My confidence is intimidating, as is my appearance apparently. See, I've heard that since I was 12. I was 6'0 at age 12, and people always put shit on me, saying I was going to beat people up. People have been intimidated by my size for years. Combine that with knowledge, as he says, and its a whammy. For him to even bring it up, shows me it is an issue. He mentioned my size and appearance. He said that other people are also intimidated in this way and can perceive me as being too strong .... but later says "I dont give a fuck about other people, it is me and you having this conversation". Did I say contradictions?

So I dig deeper, even though he doesnt want to go there, I will. I'm bigger than he is. I'm taller and heavier. I'm a whole lot of woman, even had him doubting himself (something he also told me--see I don't make this stuff up, I listen, but he swears I don't and he plays dumb like "I said that?"... Yes, you did.). Combine all of this physical woman with a younger age (which he has alluded to more than once, in jest and in not-so-joking manners--saying once that his ideal version of me, I would be older), advanced knowledge/education, experiences that accelerate me well beyond my earth years, and a commanding confidence, well, he is intimidated. As much as he says he isnt, he is. He refuted it entirely too much and too hard.

I came to realize that this evening, when he went on a long rant (and I say rant because he began to curse and raise his voice at me) about how he is intelligent, he isnt dumb, he won't let anyone overpower him, he won't be out-talked, he isn't going to be backed against the wall, he won't be backed into a corner, etc. I have heard this all before, and everytime it has been from a man shorter than I am and/or a man who has, deep inside, felt that he didnt measure up to me, usually a man resenting me for being in his life and inadvertantly forcing him to look at himself and all of the things he either didn't do or can't? do. Or a man who deep inside envies the things I have done, or looks at himself and feels that he doesnt measure up, even if that thought NEVER crosses my mind? My friend D told me to run away from the situation because I will never get my footing, it will always be a battle because Im battling history and baggage, insecurities and suspicion, and general envy. *cough* did someone mention Napoleon?

Why do men who seemingly don't measure up in the flesh or in credentials try to make me feel like I'm wrong? Why do they think my goal is to outman them? why do they think I intentionally come on too strong and I set out to overpower them? This isnt the first or second time a shorter man has ranted on me like this. (Yes, Im bringing up the height thing, because if he can throw in my appearance, I can talk about height issues) So what Im taller, I have a job, I finished college. so what??? so what I sometimes use multisyllabic words (which he jokes and laughs off but now I am left to wonder how serious he is). So what I'm young? so what I have a loud voice and I'm physically expressive? So what I have a lot to say? So what I respond even when I have an opposite view? So what if I have a lot of views opposite of his? Why should I be made to feel that I am wrong or that I am the cause of anger just because I am being myself? So what I have more money? Who the fuck cares when it comes to friendship? Why bring up this idea of intimidationg and overpowering and challenging if it doesnt apply to you?

One minute he says he likes me because I challenge him and because Im strong, the next minute he says I'm too strong and I overpower him, all the while still claiming that he is not intimidated or threatened, yet once again going on and on about how I can make even the most self-assured person doubt him/herself. My response is, if anything I say or any way I say something can make someone who claims to be convicted in his/her thoughts doubt him/herself, or think about changing his/her mind, that person is NOT strong, NOT convicted, and doesnt need to be in my life or around me. I don't need those type of people around me. All of my FRIENDS know they can say whatever the fuck they want to say to me, without reprecussion. why? because I am open to everything that they say because I know they care about me and will not bullshit me. I depend on my friends to keep me grounded and to check me. But if there are people around me who can't do that or are afraid to do that, why bother? If you say you love me, and I tell you that I love you, you have earned that right to say whatever you want to say to me. As adults we will discuss it. As peoples we will resolve it. As friends we will make things better between us. (again he says he doesnt know me well enough and hasnt earned the right to check me, yet he says he loves me... Im confused)

What made this thing go from a conversation to a point of hurt for me was this. A couple of days ago, I was feeling REALLY sick. I think I ate some bad food or something, but my stomach was killing me. He knew this. Now he has heard me say before that I don't take meds, and he even asked me if I had anything to take for it and I said to him that I don't take stuff like that. The next thing he asked was "Do you have any tea bags?" I said "Naw baby I don't want any tea" Had I known the response those few words would have evoked, I would have just drank the damn tea. just that quick he became insulted. He was insulted because by my declining the tea, in his mind, I was rejecting his help. He said to me "DO you believe I care about you?" and I said "yes baby" then he said "Why won't you let me take care of you?" and I responded with something to the effect of I want you to take care of me but I just don't want any tea, it isnt going to make my stomach better. This was the nail in the coffin. I realize this now. Im SO glad I read John Gray's book.

Mars, yes, he is the Alpha male problem solver. I believe because of his position in life right now, he is limited in what he can do for others. He is man full of pride and has to put his pride aside because he cannot exactly provide for the people he cares for in ways that he might like. So he does what he can. In this scenario, he wanted to show me that he cares for me by taking care of me, and his remedy to my stomach ache was to make me some tea. Maybe that is a rememdy he knows that works for him or others. But for me, that wouldnt have been the move. Tea gives me the runs. In saying No to the tea, I was essentially, in his mind, rejecting him and his help and his care, which was insulting, because he is a man trying to help out a woman he cares for. In my saying No, I once again, for all intents and purposes, out-manned him or at least took away something that he held onto as a provider.

Now speaks Venus. I was in a lot of pain and I knew that tea would give me the runs. Because he doesnt know me that well as he claims half of the time, he should have ASKED me "what can i do to help?" or "what will make u feel better?" Instead he pushed ahead with "Do you have any tea bags?" He skipped parts A and B and went right to C, the solution. True to his problem solver, alpha male ways. Had he simply asked me what would make me feel better, or what he could do to help, I would have told him to simply come lay with me and rub my back, stroke me hair, and hold me close. Had he given me the option to say what I wanted or what I needed, he might not have felt insulted by my rejection of HIS idea. HE wanted to fix this problem, my being in pain, but I took away his ability to do so by rejecting his solution. That bothered him, and I understand it. In my views, it was quite selfish, because he shut down and his disposition changed into something negative, and he became more focused on his own anger at being insulted than he was on the writhing pain I was in. He admitted that tonight, too.

All in all, for me at least, it was a good discussion. I learned alot about this conflicted man and what I have come up with is based on my own observations and perceptions. I know him so well that he will disagree with everything I have written, just on GP, because even if it is all correct, he refuses to let anyone think they can tell him about what how he thinks, how he acts, or what he feels, etc. That was not the intenion of this, of course. This was merely my way of giving my side since I know he began to tune me out at some point (which he, again, admits to doing--Ive even seen him do it to people he has been on the phone with)
and for me to vent the frustration of having to deal with this all over again.

I wouldnt try to compare him to other men, but I have heard this all before. Almost verbatum. Shorter men, less accomplished men, maybe men who dont feel they can discuss the things I discuss or that we have different interests, or clashing views. All the same thing. They feel that they don't quite measure up.

I fell in love with a blue-collar man. Some part of me is still in love with him. This is a man who didnt go to college, and barely finished high school. This is a man who has worked hard and has a great job. This is a man who loves his family and takes are of business the best way he can. He is by no means perfect. He has his battles and issues, too. I didnt need the flashiness. I dont requre a degree. I dont require that he knows the same things I do or that he even have a vast vocabulary. I dont require anything but that he love me, and LOVE means he respects, cares for, and trusts me. That is all I ask. Oh and that he make me laugh.

I just hate when I encounter men,be they friends or lovers, and things end up this way. It saddens me terribly. My friend D was probably right, I should run and head for the hills because this won't get any better. With someone so uncompromising, so suspicious, so quick-tempered, I am destined for more heated discussions/arguments where I get cussed/yelled at, more angry 'goodnight's, more shutting down, more angry dispositions. I don't need it. I am a good friend. Ask any of the knuckleheads that have been in my life for years.

he fights me because he really does care about me. He says I challenge him and I am difficult and these are some of the reasons he likes me, yet when I make the decisions in the "situation" about what I will and will not accept or be a part of, he is bothered. He isn't too happy with someone other than himself calling the shots.

In fact, he is so used to being the shot-caller that the idea that a woman can say to him "Naw, I'll pass" messes with him in a way he wont admit, especially if it is a woman he is truly feeling. Women catch feelings for him all the time and he is usually the one saying "Im not interested". I dont think he has to deal with the shoe being on the other foot too often. He is admittedly anti-feelings, as he said, he isnt supposed to "feel". But something about me makes him feel and he isnt comfortable with it. He says I push him away, but it is he who pushes me away. See, I am not pushing him away. Im letting him go. I care for him, but the "situation" isnt one I need to be involved in, not the way I been feeling for the last year or so. It isnt for lack of feelings, it is because of logic and rationale, but most importantly, it is out of care for him. I fairly new to the game, and I am wise enough, mature enough, and caring enough to be like "Its ok, baby, go and do you, and figure this out. Ill always be your friend. We made a pact, remember?"

He might be testing me to see how much of him I can bear, but what he fails to realize is that I dont play those games and I dont deal well with being tested. He tests people out of his suspicion. People let him do it. I won't. I shouldnt have to be tested as a friend, as a lover, as a potential mate, not by him or anyone.

Ok, I'm done...

Anyone feeling me?

Blog Stealers

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
Been caught stealing,
Once, when I was five
I enjoy stealing
It's as simple as that
And it's
Just a
Simple Fact

When I want something
And I don't wanna pay for it
I walk right
Through the door
Walk right through the door

Hey alright
If I get by
It's mine...mine, all mine

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Stop.

Stop now, you thieves!!!

LMAO.

OK so, yes, I peruse other blogs. I love reading about people's lives, thoughts, drama, etc. It is fun. The same way people love reading mine and get a kick out of some things or relate to others, this is what blogs are for right?

So yes, I began my blog about 6 or 7 months ago, and there have been blogs that have been aroudn for a few years, but not amongst the people I know or interact with regularly. There are a few people I immediately put on because I figured they could use the outlet. Other people were inspired to create blogs, because of me, as they have said to me.

"Michelle, your blog inspired me to create my own"

My response is almost always "That's a beautiful thing, I look forward to reading it"

But then there are those secondary people who began blogging because of those people. And I know they peep my blog regularly. Some even leave not-so-anonymous rants in my comment sections. Others write about me in round-about ways in their blogs. Cool. I appreciate and welcome all energy and shine. Makes my star brighter.

However, I have encountered a lot of biting. From my format, to my style of writing, to even the Music Videos I put on my blog.

Huh? what part of the game is this? [Mel and Dawn are excused because they are D&D Divas and can do what the fuck they want]

Ok, so yes, I borrow other people's ideas for blog entries, but I ALWAYS give credit or make it known that I borrow it from another blog, or that I was inspired by someone else. I don't need to bite, I borrow and give credit.

I'm addressing the straight up biters, the jackers, the people fronting like they are original. Yes, I know you are reading this thinking "This bitch has a lot of nerve" but the fact is YOU ARE STILL READING MY SHIT AND BITING IT.

Get ya own suckas. Be original. I know I'm inspirational. Immitation is the highest form of flattery and many people in Blog-land are inundating me with flattery. Gracias!

But for real. Stop. Lol
It isnt sexy.

Try something new, it might work for you. Better yet, keep biting my style.
I'll try and show love to all of my minions.

and what??!!

Anyone else wanna write some Haiku? LOL

ha ha bitches...



Danjaruz Haiku:
Stop stealing my shit
Opposite of sexy
Is what your shit is

Original shot

My son and I... he got my back!!! LMAO

Yahoo Groups

So I'm perusing Yahoo because I'm bored and I decide to look at some of the groups available. I have been a member of a few groups for sometime, but I'm getting tired of the same people, with the same views, same drama, same bullshit, etc. There are a kabillion groups but here are some interesting ones I came across:

Black I Am Not

Description: First ever group created for Black people who are dealing with self-hatred or just feel like they don't want to be apart of today's Black community. What I mean by today's Black community is "derogatory rap music, reverse racism and stereotypical comments." Pro Blacks have too much pride in themselves that often leads to a much darker side. I am not a KKK member. I am just a young Black female who discuss issues with people who are dealing with inferiorly treatment from other Blacks. I got tired of seeing communities out there for Anti Whites or other races who are not Black. Pro Black communities that are really Black Panther Parties undercover(bullsh*t that ended over forty years ago).I also know that there are Black people who are suffering from other Blacks wrath. I honestly believe if you've went through the type of crap that I had to deal with growing up, you'd feel the same way. If you've been mistreated by them, meaning being picked on, abused, molested, raped and whatnot, you'll get tired of it. And left with the mentality that "all of them are like that." Being picked on for not wearing the same clothes that they wear, being called ugly or talk the same street slang that they speak. If Whites, Latinos or Asians treat you better, you wouldn't give a damn about Black people. Blacks bring each other down but when you're with other races, you feel uplifted and loyal to them. I mean, you could have Black friends but you wouldn't treat them the same way that you treat your other races of friends. I'm in no way uplifting White people because, trust me, I hate a lot of them just as much I hate everyone else. ^_^ If you wish to join then knock yourselves out. Join to meet people who feel the same way you do. The only things I want you to know is to participate, must be heteorosexual, under thirty, must be BLACK, mature and non-Pro Black. Also, check out the MSN version as well.

White Men Rule

*picture on front page*


Description: This is the answer to all these stupid groups that claim black men are superior to the Ruling White Male.

Keep dreaming morons! Like these spear chuckers, all you "African Americans" are two generations away from swinging in a tree. If it weren't for the slave trade, your entire race would still be running around the desert of Africa trying to stab a lizard to feed your 12 naked, starving offspring back at the hut.

As for the sexual supremacy ALLEGED(that means what you claim is true, for all you uneducated spooks reading this), take a look at the nasty bitches looking for these "BBC's." Fat, ugly, skanks that no white man in his right mind would touch. I want to personally thank all you stupid black asslickers for taking them out of the white race. The only way a decent looking white whore will touch you smelly fu*k*rs is to GET PAID.

And one more news flash for all you brothas, just because you stick your greasy black pole in a white women doesn't change the fact that you are still a spook! If you are lucky enough to find a white tramp ignorant enough to breed with you, the resultant freaks of nature look like albino chimps.

So this group will celebrate the SUPREME WHITE RACE. Share your jokes, pictures and thoughs with others who actually have a working mind and a sense of reality.

Fetish Counseling

Description: This group has been designed for people who want to be deaf, have hearing aid or ear fetishes. Also for people that have tried to mutilate parts of their bodies to impair the senses they were born with.

The Male Donut

Description: The purpose of this group is to start a commune for men camp at Burning Man to be held in the Nevada Desert. The camp will be based on a commune in Orange County in California. A description of it is below:

Commune For Men: This is a real life community for males, gay or straight, at least 18 years upto 99 years old, no children, girlfriends, ex-wifes or wifes. Adult males only. We live together, explore life together, very spiritual, very simple lifestyle. We are not interested in expensive luxuries instead we find beauty from within and we see the world's beauty. We see the birds, the flowers, the ocean, the mountains, the sky all God's creation. We do not judge people instead we find beauty. We have strict guidlines that must be followed on a daily basis. Even if you don't live in our commune, you must follow the rules as closely as possible. First of all we believe in nakedness is next to Godliness, we are hairless, (cleaned weekly) daily rectal temperature, 2 enemas per day, drink 10 glasses of water, urinate 5 times, no bowel movements, noontime meditations and prayers, read devotional materials, evening all members receive a prostate massage with a dildo. No masturbation, oral or rectal is allowed, only if you are a committed couple and then, will be allowed only with approval. Discipline will be in the form of corporal punishment in front of all members of the commune, spankings by hand, belt, paddle, whip or cane. We have men who also live outside of the commune, but they must follow the rules. All are welcome. Gays and straights. There are no putdowns only total unconditonal, unjudgmental love. We believe in healthy living. Simple and beautiful. Communes beginning around the world. Join today. We also have a commune for women only - no males. Change your lifestyle, feel good about who you are.

American Holocaust

*picture on front page*


Description: The USA always pretends to be the expert for democracy and human rights, "the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world“ (G.W.Bush). So after the annihilation of Native Americans the white intruders have turned into "Americans", created slavery of abducted Africans (19th century), apartheid & lynching (20th century), poor reservations & slums, death penalty even against teenagers and discriminated black people are main victims. In this violent dollarcracy people of all races can be victims of gun crimes, gangs like Scientology, new blacklists & McCarthyism, have the choice between 2 old parties, money decides who can be candidate (Enron), not all votes are counted (Florida)- but dangerous clowns get elected anyway in "God's own country". US media have told so many lies on US crimes worldwide, the cruel interventions in Latin America, CIA support for brutal dictators, horrible war atrocities like in Hiroshima or Vietnam. US money dynasties like the Bush clan were dealing with the Nazis & Hitler, enriched themselves by both world wars, the US profit tops the Marshall plan. "Bad guys" in history like Noriega, Saddam Hussein or even the Taliban trained by the CIA in Pakistan were supported as US allies. This way the U.S. has become a target of terror, in an era of "patriotism" replied with cowardly oil wars in Iraq & Afghanistan - on base of new fakes & lies. Even more innocent people die, this will cause more terrorism! Not Saddam but G.W. Bush was a business partner of the Bin Laden family. The UN and International law like the Convention of Geneva & treaties against ABC weapons are ignored by the US politicians who like to teach arrogant "lessons to the world". The ignorant policy of the White House also causes waste of oil & resources. The US produces most emissions but rejects the Kyoto agreement against global warming. Photos: Beware some folders contain violence.

Great verse

"You dont know how sick you make me
You make me fucking sick to my stomach
Everytime I think of you, I puke
You must just not know
You may not think you do, but you do
Everytime I think of you I puke
You're a fucking cokehead son, I hope you fucking die
I hope you get to hell and satan sticks a needle in your eye
I hate your fucking guts, you fucking slut, I hope you die
Please dont get me wrong
Im not bitter or mad
Its not that I still love you
Its not cuz I want you back
Its just that when i think of you it makes me wanna gag
What else can I do
I haven't got a clue
Now I guess I'll just move on
I have no choice but to
But everytime I think of you
Now all I wanna do is puke" -Eminem

Cold, blistery winter morning... Had a good reason to look this good...lol

Thanks Mel

Yes I'm jacking heffa...


Your booty might be bigga
But I still can pull your nigga
But I don't want him

Ya got sugar on your pita
But ya nigga thinks I'm sweeter
But I don't want him

Ya know the whole encyclopedia
But ya nigga thinks I'm deeper
But I don't want him

Got a whole lot a junk off in ya trunk
But ya nigga think I'm live and I keep him crunk
I don't want him

Hey, hey, heyI don't want him
cause of what he doin to you
And you don't need him
Cause he ain't ready
See I don't want him
If he ain't made no arrangement with you
I hope you would've done the same thing for me too

Your kisses might be wetter
But your nigga likes mine better
But I don't want him

Ya got the beans and rice and the hot ho cakes
But ya nigga still over here in my plate
I don't want him

Ya got a PHD, Magna Cum Laude
But ya nigga love me with a GED
I don't want him

You the one with all the money
And he knows my money's funny
But I don't want him

Hey, hey, hey
I don't want him
Cause of what he doin to you
And you don't need him
Cause the boy ain't ready

Got ya pad all decked out fa sho
But ya niggas at my door, though
I don't want him

Well you can do the butterfly and the tootsie roll
But ya nigga straight sprung off the way I stroll
I don't want him

Ya know the whole 120 + degree
But you can't keep ya guy up off his knees
I don't want him

Got a 9-5 and a 6-10
But ya nigga told me not to work again I don't want him

Hey, hey, hey
I don't want him
Cause of what he doin to you
And you don't need him
Cause he ain't ready

Booty - Erykah Badu

Many Faces of Michelle

Danjaruz Demeanor:


Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
My first trip inside I met someone I never met before
I enjoyed his company so everyday I'd stop to say hello
One day I took him with me and inside we had a ball
So I asked him if he'd like to come here everyday
(just to come with me, baby)

The next day I just couldn't find him and I didn't wonder why
Till almost recently I didn't understand
Yesterday waves goodbye but she also likes to stare
Till I passed a mirror I couldn't figure out why
(oh why oh why oh why? no.....)

In the presence of mirrors I come face to face with you
In the presence of mirrors I come face to face with you
In the presence of mirrors I come face to face with you
Which is me, Which is me, Which is me....


Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
I have repeatedly encountered this notion that I have several personalities or that I am, at the very least, multifaceted. Allow me to explore the people I see when I look into life's mirrors...

Michelle: The Foundation. Michelle is the intellectual, the thinker, the scholar. Michelle has a deep thirst for knowledge. Michelle is rational and logical, carefully analyzing everything around her. Michelle isnt often swayed by emotion, and acts in accordance to what seems logical and right. Michelle is also the compassionate person. Michelle will fight for several causes, including domestic violence, homelessness, HIV/AIDS, and foster children. Michelle is the future Peace Corps member, willing to sacrifice her own luxuries for the sake of helping others survive.

Benee: (Not to be confused with "Miss Benee") The Lover, the Idealist, and the Romantic. Benee is the one who wishes for love, seeks it in all the wrong places, and sacrifices herself in the name of love. Very few have been exposed to Benee, and those who have know that they have achieved a special status in my life. Not everyone can call me Benee and expect me to respond. It is reserved for those 'special' individuals. Benee loves to love and be loved, yet Benee is almost always crushed in the end. Benee is the part of me that keeps trying.

Miss Benee: The Writer. Miss Benee is the one who brings the fire, either in poetry, prose, essay, play, blog, or online chatting. Miss Benee's pen is lethal, comforting, destructive, expository, easing, and inspirational. Miss Benee is the creative, crafty side of me, the word manipulator, truth-sayer, line-jotter, rhyme-spitter. Miss Benee aims to make people laugh, cry, and nod their heads in agreement.

Shelly: The Abused. This is the abused, molested, raped, crushed part of me. Do not use this name, as Shelly is tucked away far deep in an unpenetrable place.

Chelle: The Friend. This is the name used by my grandmother and best friend. This is the person who will give her last dollar to s afriend in need, even if the rent is 2 months overdue. Chelle will be there with you through the struggles, hard times, joyous occasions, and laughter. Need a shirt, Chelle will take her's off and hand it to you. Chelle will drive 850 miles to polish your cabinets with Murphy Oil Soap (love you grandma!!)

Danja(ruz): The Strength. Danja has the thick skin and the sharp tongue. Danja will hurt you before you can hurt you and if you have succeeded in hurting first, Danja will erase you from memory. Danja is less concerned with emotions and affairs of the heart and more concerned with getting hers. Danja exists with the "Fuck you, Pay me" attitude that scares people because it is so strong. Don't come at Danja with bullshit, because she sniffs it out a mile away. Danja has been broken more than enough times to know how to avoid it. Danja gets what Danja wants, no matter who or what gets trampled on in the process. Danja speaks as Danja wants, with little regard for the feelings of others. Danja is the wild out, hilarious party girl. Danja drinks, smokes, fucks, and ditches. Watch out for Danja, because she isnt watching out for you.

These are just a few of the "personalities" I recognize within myself. These are just my perceptions of these personalities. This is what I see when I look in the mirror.

How the hell did this happen? Howwwww?

That's ok, I'm still going to wear my Santana Moss Jersey with pride!!!!

Im disappointed Herman, I think you will live to regret this move!!!

The New York Jets News

Jets Acquire Coles in Exchange for Moss

The New York Jets announced Wednesday the re-acquisition of wide receiver Laveranues Coles via a trade with the Washington Redskins in exchange for wide receiver/punt returner Santana Moss. The announcement was made by Jets’ Executive Vice President and General Manager Terry Bradway.

“He brings a physical and dynamic presence to our receiving group and is familiar with our program,” said Bradway. “Laveranues has told us he’s excited about being a Jet again, and he has the mindset to help us win a championship.”

Coles, 27, originally entered the National Football League as a third round draft selection of the Jets in the 2000 Draft as the 78th player selected overall (the 13th wide receiver selected). He played for the Jets through the 2002 season before signing with the Redskins as a restricted free agent on March 20, 2003, for which the Jets received the Redskins’ first round draft choice in the 2003 (the 13th pick overall). The Jets subsequently packaged the draft choice obtained for the Redskins and their own first round pick (#22) and traded it to the Chicago Bears in return for the fourth overall pick in the 2003 Draft and selected Kentucky defensive tackle Dewayne Robertson.

Coles, a product of Florida State, has played in 77 regular season games through his first five seasons in the NFL, including starts in each of the last 64 games and has recorded 342 career receptions for 4,656 yards for a 13.6 receiving yardage average and 20 touchdown receptions. In 2003, Coles finished seventh in the NFL career-high 90 catches and had 950 yards receiving for a 10.6 average and one touchdown. In 2002, Coles earned his first trip to the Pro Bowl following his 1,204 yard season on 82 receptions and six touchdowns. While with the Jets from 2000-2002, Coles played in 45 regular season games, making 32 starts, and caught 170 passes for 2,502 yards for a 14.7 average and 13 touchdowns.

Moss, 25, was the Jets’ first-round choice (the 16th player selected overall (the fourth wide receiver) in the 2001 draft from the University of Miami. In four seasons with the Jets he had 29 starts in 51 appearances, with 151 receptions for 2,416 yards for a 16.0 average and 19 touchdowns. His best season came in 2003, when he posted 74 catches, 1,105 yards and nine scores and was voted as the Club’s Most Valuable Player. He also contributed in the punt return department during his tenure in New York, with 88 returns for 1,052 yards (12.0 avg.) and two touchdowns during the regular season.

Birthday Registry Blog :)

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
Ok, here is a list of things I want, for my birthday or otherwise. I usually don't ask for anything, and this year is no different. Given the fact that I am actually having a birthday party this year, I might as well clue people in, give suggestions, and make things easier.


Yes, I want an mp3 player, preferably and iPod or a RocBox. I have had 2 mp3 players before, one by Sony back when they FIRST came out, and anoher by Rio. Both served their purposes but they both broke. I promise to care for my iPod or RocBox.


Anything by Bath and Body works in Moonlight Path fragrance. That is the only fragrance I like by them. I love shower gels, lotions, body sprays, etc.





Spike Lee Movie Collection. OK so Spike Lee is my favorite director and I'm sorely lacking in ownership of his movies. I have Jungle Fever, Malcolm X, and Bamboozled. I need to step my DVD game up overall, but hey, I'm working on it.


John Abraham. I want him. Even if just to meet him and say hello. I love him. Really, I do.


Need a memory card for my digital camera. Prefer 512 MB. Need a connection cord, too. Got some pics of me doing some things with someone that I need to upload, but cannot find my cable.


I need a new vibrator. I stay horny. 365 days of the year, I think about sex and want to bust a fat nut. Since men dont usually make me come, I usually need artificial stimulation. This is MY issue, not men's issue. This toy seems fun.

Other things I would like:
*A baby (don't ask)
*Some toys for my cat, Gizmo
*Some sheets for my bed, I have a queen size bed and I love Egyptian Sateen 400 ct.
*True Star perfume, by Tommy Hilfiger
*Bottles of Egyptian Musk oil and Egyptian Musk incense sticks.
*Gift card to Best Buy
*Some games for my Game Cube
*Love
*A hot headset for my Sprint Camera Phone
*an XXL kangol black bucket hat
*a pair of crisp white K-swiss sneakers (size 10.5 men's)

Ok I will stop now

Some Throwback Ish for the New Folks

Danja's Dick and Dinner Philosophy:
DICK AND DINNER TOUR 2005

Danja on Where the real men are located:
International Lover

Danja's attempts at "poetry":
Ruthless Pride
Thoughts on Influence and Ability
He Never Left
Jarofelle Nalliva

Some Throwback Haiku

" 'Fuck You' Haiku"

He made a comment
About my ass in my jeans
So I said "Fuck You!"

****

"Not Interested"

Who is this joker?
Daring to come over here
"Not interested"

****
"Why Pay More?"

I wear Payless shoes
Not Prada or Jimmy Choo
I am broke as hell

****
"Thirsty"

Dasani is crack
No, seriously it is
I'm so addicted

****
"Sex Auction"

I love to have sex
I just need a good partner
Taking all bids now

****
"Colored"

I am so lazy
Unemployment checks wont come
So I have to work

****

"Salvation Aerobics"

Jesus walks with me
Wait, actually, He runs
Too fat to keep up

Danja's Top 5: Movies

Today I will rattle off my top 5 movies.

Top 5 Movies: (as of the beginning and end of this blog)

1.Purple Rain

Yes, this movie is my all time favorite movie, for no other reason than it is Prince's first movie, he won a Grammy and an Oscar for it, and he performs "The Beautiful Ones".

Favorite Line/Scene: When Kid and Appolonia are at the lake and he tells her that she has to purify herself in the waters of lake Minnetanka(sp?) and she strips and then jumps into the water. He then tells her that this was the wrong lake, and then toys with her as she tries to get dressed in leather, while soaking wet.

2.Jesus Christ Superstar

Believe it or not, I'm a big Broadway/Musical/Show Tune kinda gal. I love musicals, especially since I was able to participate in a few in high school and college. Jesus Christ Superstar is my absolute favorite. It tells the Passion through the eyes of Judas, pretty much. It is a 70s hippie flick, with great lyrics, music, and voices.

Favorite Line/Scene: I have 2. First is the "Simon Zealots". Simon and his people sing to Jesus about how much they love Him and will follow Him, but that if He wanted more people to follow Him, He should spit more venom against Rome and the governments, etc. Second, is the finale, the "Jesus Christ Superstar" song. It is very rich when Judas sings "If you had come later, you could have reached whole nations, Israel at this time had no mass communication". Very poignant, indeed.

3.Imitation of Life (1954 version)

Probably one of the most significant movies ever (re)made. Hollywood took a step forward to address issues of race, but yet still managed to sugarcoat and downplay the tension. Juanita Moore should have been nominated for an Academy Award, nuff said. She really had us convinced that she was more than happy to live in the back room of a white lady's apartment, serve as her mammy for years, and lose her daughter in the process.

Favorite Line/Scene: The funeral procession when Sara Jane throws herself onto the carriage, after Mahalia Jackson sings "Troubles of the World", screaming "Mamaaaaa Im sorry Mama, I didnt mean it!!!" Yeah, too late... light bright heffa.

4.Half Baked

Dave Chappelle. Nuff Said. I love Dave Chappelle, and I have been a fan of his wayyyyy before he became Rick James or Tyrone Biggums. Half Baked is one of those movies that you can sit and watch over and over and over and over and never get tired of watching the same silly jokes.

Favorite Scene/Line:
"Yo, Im Cuban, B." "Yes!! Cuban B!!!"
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out!!"

5.Romeo and Juliet

This movie is so beautiful! Literally, the imagery and colors are amazing. The ability to take an old Shakespeare play and modernize it, making it accessible to younger audiences, without changing the original words, was genius. Using Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, with skilled actors John Leguizamo and Harold Perrineau, was the best move. I loved the cinematography of this movie. A definite must have for the collection.

Favorit Scene/Line: "Kissing You" The scene where Desi'ree is singing this beautiful song and Romeo and Juliet are running around the mansion, Romeo chasing Juliet, as her nanny tries to escort her to her intended husband. They catch each other's eyes standing on opposite sides of a fishtank. The kiss they eventually share was perfect and bittersweet.

The Sweetest Thing

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:

The sweetest thing I've ever known
Was like the kiss on the collarbone
Soft caress of happiness
The way you walk, your style of dress
I wish I didn't get so weak
Ooo, baby, just to hear you speak
Makes me argue just to see
How much you're in love with me
See, like a queen, a queen upon her throne

It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I've known,
It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I've known

I get mad when you walk away (don't walk away)
So I tell you leave, when I mean stay
Warm as the sun dipped in black

Fingertips on the small of my back
More valuable than all I own
Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone


It was the...
I tried to explain
Ah...but baby, it's in vain

Speaking on my mother's phone
The touching makes me think I'm grown, (you ain't grown)
Sweet prince of the ghetto
Your kisses taste like armaretto
Intoxicating, oh, so intoxicating
How sad, how sad that all things come to an end
But then again, I'm, I'm not alone

It was the...
I sometimes, watch you in your sleep
Excuse me if I get too deep...

Random Questions

1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?

The complete MLA

2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

Worked, went out to a nice dinner with a friend, then headed to a bar for tears and purging

3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

Not a damn thing

4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARANTEED WEEPING MOVIE?

Radio Flyer

5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

I would have my skin cleared up

6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?

I dont know but I am afraid of waterbugs and Im claustrophobic.

7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?

I bite my bottom lip.

8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?

Yes.

9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?

My slippery grasp on my sanity

10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?

Not having to work for money.

11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?

"Love Song" by Prince and Madonna

12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?

Yes, several. Even write one. Directed a few.

13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Yes, unfortunately.

14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?

occasionally.

15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?

No. I have been working with this population for years. I am used to them and I understand them.

16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?

Electric bass

17) FAVORITE FABRIC?

Bullshit Silk ;)

18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?

Arabic

19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?

Long Island Iced Tea

20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?

Yes, ears, nose, and tongue

21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?

Yes, 7.

22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?

No.

23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

Aggression.

24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?

Anything that I later regret

25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?

Baked chicken

26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Do it all of the time, Im a tomboy.

27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY?

A Range Rover. They are ugly.

28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?

I prefer non-fction, cultural studies. I also enjoy the Black literary canon.

29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

depends on how much. I want to start some schools for poor smart people. I also wanna build affordable housing.

30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?

not too often, but it has happened a time or two.

31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?

Masturbate

32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?

GIVER.

33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last week, when I hurt a friend of mine.

34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?

6 or 7

35) WOULD YOU EVER SHAVE YOUR HEAD BALD?

sure why not? it will grow back.

100 things about me

Ok so Im going to do it. I've seen other people do this blog and Im thinking DAMN, that is a lot of things to say about me. But here goes.

100 Things about Michelle/Danja

1. My name is michelle benee watson
2. I am the daughter of a lesbian
3. I am heterosexual
4. I have an aversion to twat
5. I love men
6. My favorite color is blue
7. I have no children
8. I want 4 sons
9. I went to boarding school www.lawrenceville.org
10. Im an Ivy grad www.upenn.edu
11. I have a B.A. in sociology of deviance and law AND african-american studies
12. I have really good friends
13. I have a half brother and step-brother by my dad
14. I am not close to my family
15. I have ADD
16. I have had 2 nervous breakdowns in my life
17. Im fat
18. I'm 6'0 tall
19. I love sushi
20. I only like 3 songs by Jill Scott
21. PRINCE IS MY GOD
22. I have an ecclectic taste in music
23. Most of my friends live in other states
24. I love Metallica
25. My fav Metallica song is "One"
26. I dont like Maxwell
27. I think Maxwell is gay
28. I cant understand how people love D'angelo, Bilal, Andre 3000, etc but dont have extreme love for Prince
29. I do not believe Michael Jackson touched those kids
30. I am tired of hip hop beefs
31. 50 cent makes me sick
32. I think too much
33. I love sex
34. I love free dinners
35. I like big tall fat men
36. I have a fixation with football players
37. Football is my favorite sport
38. I dont like watching basketball
39. I think athletes are overpaid
40. I think actors making $20 million a film are overpaid
41. Will Smith could get it from me
42. I would let Jada watch Will give me the dick
43. I love my nappy hair
44. I havent had a perm since 1996
45. I had locs down my back for 5 years
46. I cut my locs in Sept. of 2003 for many reasons
47. I'm diggin Kelly Clarkson and Im glad she won American Idol
48. I love reality television
49. I love America's Next Top Model, Survivor, Celebrity Fit Club, Amazing Race, Fear Factor, Surreal Life
50. I love investigator shows likw CSI and Law & Order
51. I was an addict of both Beverly Hills 90210 and Dawson's Creek
52. I love a boy I call "Pumpkin"
53. I want to be a public school teacher
54. I want to be a world famous author
55. I am not a big fan of poetry, although I taught it and occasionally write it
56. My poetry is better than that of many people who love writing poetry, and I dont like writing it.
57. Im an anal poetry critic
58. Im anal period
59. Im overly generous
60. I have the tendancy to put other people and their needs ahead of myself and my own
61. It is hard for me to be selfish, although I am working on it
62. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people
63. I think most people are stupid
64. I have a very low tolerance for most people
65. I have issues with anonymity
66. I like being the center of attention, even though I do not have to work hard at being the center of attention
67. Im flatulent and have no qualsm about it
68. I have a hard time eating meat lasagne, potato salad, rice and peas, and stuffing
69. I do not like watermelon
70. I have bad skin, it is hereditary, I dont front about it
71. I wear glasses
72. I havent worn glasses since August when I lost them after a party doing shit I shouldnt have been doing
73. I am 25 years old
74. I have a sick, twisted sense of humor
75. Im sarcastic
76. I love to read classic literature
77. I despise "urban" fiction, but I understand that it has its place
78. I have had sprint cell phone service for about 3 years.
79. Im behind in most of my bills
80. I'm a survivor of domestic abuse
81. Im a rape survivor
82. I used to smoke a lot of weed, like 3 or 4 blunts a day
83. I smoked cigarettes from age 14 to 24.
84. I can drink anyone under the table
85. Purple Rain is my fav movie, believe it or not
86. Jesus Christ Superstar is a close second
87. I come to love people very easily
88. I have this blog so people can stop asking me shit
89. Everything people need to know is somewhere in the annals of this blog
90. I'm terrified of marriage
91. My favorite position for sex is doggy style
92. My favorite author is James Baldwin
93. My favorite book is Go Tell It On The Mountain
94. I love the Jazzyfatnastees
95. I have met entirely too many celebrities
96. Ive dated two professional football players
97. I believe a person can be "in love" with more than one person at the same time
98. I have about 45-50K in student loans and I doubt I will ever pay them off.
99. I want to, and am planning on joining the Peace Corps.
100. My ultimate goal in life is to be a good mother.

Knowledge=Power

Danjaruz Depictions:

De La Salle Academy
1990-1993


The Lawrenceville School
1993-1997


1998-2002

Daily Danjaruz Deliberation:
"With the grittiest lingo, still such a little sweetheart. Book educated with a whole lotta street smarts"- Rah Digga, "Harriet Thugman"

Danjaruz Disclosures, Declarations, and Diatribes:
"Founded in 1984 by Brother Brian Carty, FSC, De La Salle Academy is a private, independent, non-sectarian middle school located in Manhattan. The school's student body includes youngsters from all five boroughs of New York City. De La Salle is the only private, independent school in New York City for academically talented, economically disadvantaged boys and girls in grades six through eight. Our admissions policy is needs-blind; each year we have to raise over 80% of the school's annual budget from sources other than tuition."

"A Lawrenceville student finds the hours of the day crowded with academic, social, athletic, and community activities. The challenge and goal of a Lawrenceville education is to learn to enjoy the many opportunities available here while managing time in a healthy way. Students are encouraged to choose from a wide range of activities outside their academic requirements, and the daily life of the residential school continues well into the evening as academics and athletics give way to club activities, quiet study, and the many friendships of house life."

"At the University of Pennsylvania, you'll find a historic, Ivy League school with highly selective admissions and a history of innovation in interdisciplinary education and scholarship. You'll also find a picturesque campus amidst a dynamic city and a world-class research institution. Today Penn is home to a diverse undergraduate student body of nearly 10,000, hailing from every state in the union and all around the globe. Admissions are among the most selective in the country and Penn consistently ranks among the top 10 universities in the annual U.S. News & World Report survey. Another 10,000 students are enrolled in Penn's 12 graduate and professional schools, which are national leaders in their fields. The Wharton School is consistently one of the nation's top three business schools. The School of Nursing is one of the two best in the U.S. The School of Arts and Sciences, Graduate School of Education, Law School, School of Medicine, and School of Veterinary Medicine all rank among the top 10 schools in their fields."


Allow me to introduce three fine educational institutions. I bring these schools to light because they helped shaped the person I am, and were places where I came to understand more about myself, make wonderful friends and connections, and obtain education and knowledge I have always dreamed about.

On Public School:
I went to public school from Kindegarten to 5th grade. They wanted to skip me, but my mom did not allow it. I was in the TAG (Talented And Gifted) program from 2nd grade and up. This program exposed students to different types of educational expereinces outside of the realms of "regular" classes. Grades in my school were broken into 3 sections, "top" "middle" and "bottom". I believe this was their way of ranking students. I was always in the top classes, but for those of us "special" students, the TAG program took us above even the "top" classes. I remember there being maybe 6 or 7 of us who were pulled out of class a couple of times a week, brought to a small room in the basement, and taught things that the other kids didnt get to learn in class. We were given special projects, taken on special trips, spoken to "differently" than other kids. This, too, eventually became boring to me. I began to do things to get attention. I was the kid who finished the homework 20 mintues after it was written on the board. I was the kid who made jokes and acted out because I was bored. I received enough "unsatisfactory" marks for behavior so my mother sought something different for me. This is when she saw a small advertisement for a small private school in Manhattan seeking to help students of color from economically disadvantaged backgrounds.

On De La Salle:
To get into De La Salle, a student has to first take an exam, very much like the standardized exams taken in public schools. Depending on how the student does on this exam, he/she is invited back to participate in a Simulated School Day. This is when students get together for mini-classes and the teachers are looking to see how these students act in a classroom setting. After discussion about students' participations, select students are invited back for an interview. This is the final step. Depending on the outcome of the interview, select students are offered coveted slots in the 6th or 7th grades.

DLS was no joke, folks. Academically and socially, DLS was challenging. This is the time when we go through puberty, have body changes, and get ready for the next big step: high school. I went through MAJOR changes at DLS. I grew over 6 inches, I gained a lot of weight, I learned a lot about friendship, I had to deal with older men thinking I was older than my 11, 12, and 13 years. I was taller than everyone, even the boys. I battled ADD and depression at DLS, and more than anything, I wanted to get away from home. I loved going to DLS because it afforded me exposure and opportunities I might not have had, had I continued on in the public school system. This is not to say that people do not do well in public schools, I just know that for me, it would not have been the best thing. While attending DLS, I was introduced to The Albert G. Oliver Program, which was founded to help students of color from disadvantaged economic backgrounds get into Independent Day and Private Boarding Schools. With or without the program, I knew I was going to boarding school because that was what I wanted to do since the 6th grade, but the program made the process a LOT easier.

On Lawrenceville:
Of the three schools I have mentioned, L'ville had the biggest impact on me. Imagine leaving home at age 14 to move to a new town and go to school, while knowing nothing about it or anyone around. One of the benefits of the AGO program was that they linked me up with some older students who attended the same school. This helped me a lot with the transition. Who knew that so many black and latino students, poor, middle class, and wealthy, would be at a boarding school? I always thought boarding school was for discipline. Like, you were bad so you were sent away. But in reading about them, I realized these were schools for either the super wealthy/well-known, or the super smart, or both. I became MICHELLE at L'ville. I met my best friend at L'ville (12 years and counting, homie). I had some terrible experiences at L'ville, but also some wonderful, life-changing experiences. I was able to explore and further develop my natural talent I had for acting and singing. I came to realize that writing was a passion of mine, and that dream I always had of becoming a teacher was reinforced at L'ville. I became more interested in my culture and more active in the "struggle". I developed my love for football and football players at L'ville. I also began a 10 year addiction to nicotine and developed a taste for long island iced teas at L'ville.

What is most important is that I came to understand that there is a whole world out there that kids in the inner-cities are not exposed to, one of privilege, money, top education, endless resources, and networking. To live in a house with white girls who were heirs to the Hearst and Bunn thrones, to kick back with some Penskes and Bauers, to smoke good weed with faculty brats. It was amazing, simply amazing.

On Penn:
UPenn is currently ranked 4th in the nation, tied with some other schools. Penn is a great school known for its academics, faculty, schools (Wharton School of Business, especially), bottomless financial resources, and being one of the more "fun" Ivy League Schools. For me, Penn was my own personal playground. I took advantage of everything the school had to offer. I made some lifelong friends and was able to do things I'd only dreamed about like run a newspaper, write/direct a play, meet Black Panther Bobby Seele, etc. I was able to study things I was interested in, feeling no pressure to go pre-med or prepare for law school. I studied my people and was content doing so. More than content, actually. I connected with people on deeper levels than I could imagine. My life changed dramatically while at Penn, and anyone considering attending an Ivy League school, I would recommend my alma mater, UPenn.

I am happy that I was blessed with these opportunites, but also proud that I worked hard to get to the places I have gotten in life. I take nothing for granted, not a single thing. Life was not easy for me, but aside from the strife I have had, I have had some good times as well. Many of these good times were linked with these schools. Im a nerd and I love to learn. If I could, I would spend the rest of my life as a full-time student. I miss being in class; I'm bored. I think I'll take some classes at a local community college or something, just to whet my appetite for an academic setting, without having to kick out too much money.

There you have it folks!